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Am I a pessimist in not wanting to get involved again?..like 'why?'...can anyone relate?


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(Lately I have emotionally slipped back a bit the last little while, so excuse me folks...I hope this emotional stumble is a temporary one, despite trying to keep busy and moving forward taking up new activities etc).

 

Just wondering if I'm alone in feeling this way in not wanting to get involved again, thinking 'why?'... all around you people find fresh love every day...and yet too an equal number of people bust up at the same time....while a big part of me ''wants'' to believe in love a more ''realistic'' side also ''knows'' that most relationships just will not last forever (just look at us here or the myriad of couples around us crashing and burning for proof).

 

I feel like a wuss to admit this, but it's tough wanting to get involved again with someone thinking that eventually my emotions will one day again get ripped out when it ends...but that sort of thinking (catastrophizing) is also precisely what I'm also trying to come to grips with: that despite the fact that most relationships WILL end at some point (whether it be 3 months, or 3 years or 13 or 23 years down the road) that the emotional journey taken with someone is still worth it....however right now I in no way agree with the sentiment 'better to have loved and lost than not to''...but hope I can in the future.

 

(While I could just engage in 'hating' my ex or dissing her completely (as some do to rationalize away things) but my ex wasn't an evil creature...and don't get me wrong; she wasn't perfect (nor was I) ...we BOTH messed up.

 

Maybe I'm just still too raw but sheesh it has been 9 months now man....and despite what others have advised, given the timeline I'm at, I don't want to date anyone either.

 

Instead I want more friends in my life as per social 'investments' to diversify myself more when I DO get reinvolved, as with my ex I was too entangled with her and didn't diversify myself enough...so when her 'stock' plummeted with my 'life savings' so did so much around me...i won't let that happen again.

 

I hope this is nothing but a speed bump...gots to get busy again taking care of myself and remembering all the things I've advised others here, too: to look at my ex and what we had realistically and have perspective, gratitude and being both firm and compassionate towards myself at different points: ie when remembering the 'good' times to also remember the 'bad' times to counterbalance and get some realistic perspective....and you know all those activities we engaged in: ie, cycle touring, xcountry and downhill skiing, wine tastings, taking in the ballet etc: well it was ME who got her involved in such...so at least I do have many things to contribute to a relationship, too, when I'm ready.

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i think the last thing you said is most important:

 

"at least I do have many things to contribute to a relationship, too, when I'm ready"

 

It says it all, and the fact that you are questioning your pessimism shows you are already reopening to new possibilities! Nine months is not that long!

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Yeah, I can relate all too well. In fact, I'd already sworn off relationships before I met the ex... something like 4 or 5 years reasonably happy on my own. I said I'd only do it again if the planets were in perfect alignment and it fell into my lap when I least expected it.

 

And here I am.

 

After 30 years of playing this game, I'm losing my ambition to climb back up on that horse... again.

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Yeah, I can relate all too well. In fact, I'd already sworn off relationships before I met the ex... something like 4 or 5 years reasonably happy on my own. I said I'd only do it again if the planets were in perfect alignment and it fell into my lap when I least expected it.

 

And here I am.

 

After 30 years of playing this game, I'm losing my ambition to climb back up on that horse... again.

 

Dont forget the stars, and moon too. Oh...and the clouds, sun, and the black holes out there.

 

Relationships are overrated.

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No - You're not alone in feeling the way you do. I'm exactly at the same point you are, so maybe this is part of the healing process.

I take it to be that I'm not ready for a new relationship yet and not to push things. Just need a little bit more time to heal before moving on...

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and yet I don't want to become a pessimist...i DO want to believe in life and in love...and most especially in myself again (just lately not doing the latter very well, however).

 

I think it does come down to healing earlier issues and to reexmining your beliefs and taking better care of yourself....I mean when I am ''rational'' I can see that before my ex I functioned well and such...and she IS human with her own issues and baggage (as we all have)....but there is more emotional 'stuff' that gets clicked on upon a breakup...old wounds get reopened so that this relationship (the one in which you thought might have been ''the one'') can become something bigger emotionally than it need be, too.

 

So much for my mindfulness in paying attention to my thoughts and how they can just snowball and lead me astray.

A helpful link from one of my favourite blogs: link removed

 

link removed

 

Yeah, I can relate all too well. In fact, I'd already sworn off relationships before I met the ex... something like 4 or 5 years reasonably happy on my own. I said I'd only do it again if the planets were in perfect alignment and it fell into my lap when I least expected it.

 

And here I am.

 

After 30 years of playing this game, I'm losing my ambition to climb back up on that horse... again.

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Mishmash,

 

I'm sorry but I read your post before you corrected it and found perfectly fine.

 

"I take it to be that I'm not reading for a new relationship yet and not to push things. Just need a little bit more time to heal before moving on... "

 

You changed reading to ready but I liked it better the 1st way. "Reading for a relationship" seems to be like reading for a part in a play or a movie. That is what it seems like to me when going out on dates or trying to hook up at bars. It seems to be auditioning for a part that someone may or may not want you to play. That we have to put on some kind of skit or act in order to get "hired" for the part no matter how short the "run of the show" might be.

 

As for me, I'll leave the drama of the bit parts to someone else.

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thought I'd share some links below to some helpful articles (hey why not share the wealth, eh, given we're all human and wanting to get to a better place)....it really is a matter of processing but also reframing, too, isn't it, once we heal?

 

link removed

 

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link removed

 

But upon reading the 2nd article I can see that 'fear' is really coiling itself around me...but where is that coming from with such insidious force?

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I feel the same way, Canali. I've been having relatively good days lately where I haven't been missing my ex as much per se...but even though I can think about dating someone again intellectually, my feelings are just not there either. I don't know...it's like my heart is closed. I don't believe in "romantic" love anymore in a sense. I thought that when you love someone, you made them a big priority in your life. But now I'm seeing that most people seem to think it's wrong to really invest yourself in someone. I used to believe that when you love someone you will do anything for them (within reason). At least that's what I would do (before), but knowing that it is not mutual, I don't know if I can be that trusting again.

 

I think that whether it's a job, volunteering, a relationship, etc., it is not the same unless you put your whole heart into it which requires committment and trust.

 

But like you said, when you've had your whole trust fund wiped out by investing in just one person (who you thought was a good investment at the time), and you lose everything, how can you blindly do that again knowing what happened before?

 

It kind of sucks because having that kind of deep intensity and safety required a big investment. We can't have a relationship that's really awesome again unless we are willing to invest. But who can we trust?!?! We both thought our exes were trustworthy people, but look what happened? They left. So where does that leave us? Where does that leave our judgment?

 

I think you're right to just invest in friendships right now. I am going to the same. When I was younger, I had close friendships that almost mirrored monogamous relationships. They were intense and fulfilling almost like my relationship with my ex fiance. But now I look at my life and I don't have a confidante anymore!

 

The reason I had such close friends before was because I was a very trusting person and people knew it. I used to be so blindly, innocently open and made friends with whoever I liked. I was always shy but found myself being liked by people anyway.

 

Now it's another story! I've sort of lost my innocence and become jaded. I notice myself putting up fronts more often like everything is all right. I vent here, but don't really talk about my feelings to anyone else that much. I keep things light and just try to focus on the fun and the positive...which helps to a point, but my relationships are not as deep or intense.

 

I long to meet new friends that I can be real with again...that I can lean on and cry to. I can't imagine that happening anytime soon though. I tend to not think people in general are very trustoworthy. I wish I didn't feel like that! I really wish my break-up didn't scar me like that but it did.

 

I went to the zoo with my mom today and saw tons of couples. One guy put his hand on his gf's butt and looked all possessive. It grossed me out. Before I wouldn't have minded. The lovey dovey couples made me feel sorry for them. They looked pathetic. I don't know if it's because I'm jealous or what. I can't imagine letting some scum bag touch my butt or snuggle up to me again. When my ex and i were all cuddly, I thought it was great, but I just don't want someone, who's probably going to tear out my heart eventually, getting all close to me only to become a stranger when he gets bored.

 

I feel you Canali. I'm not heavily grieving my ex anymore (although I can't say I'm completely over him), but I can't see myself wanting to date anyone else any time soon.

 

I joined a dating site just to see what happened and I get a lot of messages from guys but I'm not interested in ANY of them. I actually feel WORSE when they write me, especially when they say things like "Hey hon, you're cute, you wanna talk?" It disgusts me, seriously. Even when more friendly/less flirty guys write, I can't make myself respond except sometimes, "thanks for writing." I know I shouldn't play with people's minds and make them think I'm available (or ready, rather), but in some evil sense, it's kind of nice to get attention and be the one to turn it down or ignore them.

 

I've never been one to tease or lead on, it's just that I guess I'm hoping Mr. Right will magically send me a message and we'll fall in love (somehow, I can't imagine how though). Or I'm wishing my ex will join the site and message me and we'll get back together and be happy.

 

I don't know...I don't even want my ex back the way he was before we broke up. He was kind of an arrogant jerk. But I don't want to even think about him with someone else and I don't want to be with anyone else. I know it's over, most likely for good, but I still feel like it would be "cheating" or something, I don't know...can't really explain that.

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Dude, canali, get out of my head! I haven't been coming around this site much in the last several weeks because I've been doing really well, keeping busy with work and friends, and all-around enjoying my life. But after an extremely busy and social 3 weeks, today I finally got a day to myself - something which I cherish. As much as I love my friends and love socializing, I'm the kind of person who needs regular solo-time to recharge. As the day passed, I found myself feeling a little sad, and when I analyzed what I was feeling realized it was loneliness. Not for friends, because I have plenty of those, but for a life partner.

 

But at the same time, I am absolutely not ready for a new relationship. I really can't even conceive of getting in a relationship again right now. It's been 4 months for me; though it's only been 2 weeks since the divorce was finalized, that was really more of a formality and didn't affect me much. I don't hate my ex, and neither do I want to get back with him. I now see that our relationship failed due to miscommunication (if not lack of communication) and very different ideas of what marriage means and how partners should act and treat one another.

 

I had believed that if we loved each other and were willing to communicate and work at the relationship, we could make it work. But that wasn't enough - I wasn't able to get through to him and get him to listen when I told him what I needed and so instead got caught up in fears, and he didn't realize how damaging the things he was doing were to our relationship until 2 months after we separated.

 

If I couldn't get through to him when we both loved each other and were committed to the relationship, how can I get through to anyone else? If he could change so much in such a short time, how can I believe that the next person won't change? If he (and other exes) could lie to and take advantage of me, how can I trust others?

 

I'm sure (I think!) I will be ready again someday. I've been hurt before and still braved dating and getting seriously involved, and have obviously fallen in love again. But I'm not bouncing back as quickly this time. As short as this relationship was compared to others, it has affected me more profoundly.

 

Anyway, as you said canali, I'm enjoying my life on my own and don't feel the need to be in a relationship now. But sometimes I wonder if/when I will be ready again.

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Maybe I'm just still too raw but sheesh it has been 9 months now man....and despite what others have advised, given the timeline I'm at, I don't want to date anyone either.

 

Instead I want more friends in my life as per social 'investments' to diversify myself more when I DO get reinvolved, as with my ex I was too entangled with her and didn't diversify myself enough...so when her 'stock' plummeted with my 'life savings' so did so much around me...i won't let that happen again.

 

QUOTE]

Well i'm in a similar situation as well...i broke up with my ex last year in November and went total NC...i did date someone for 2 weeks & realized i'm still not ready yet....its been 9 months since i have broken up with my ex (4 yr relationship) and i am not ready yet to date again....

i don't think about my ex anymore...since i have kept myself very busy lately but i guess the reason i don't want to date is do with the emotional pain that comes with it...and i think i need more time to explore myself...

 

Well part of me do want a nice loving partner ...but i think i need to change my stragedy this time around..if i do get involved again...i mean handling situation more realistically than emotionally...i am focusing more on my career & friends cycles....and plain on myself...

 

i think what you are going through is quite normal....some people need more time than others before they are ready to date again....and its better to take a break now and date when you 're 100% ready....and i think this transition will help you explore yourself...a self-realization i believe...

 

but even you don't wanna date right now..don't give up on Love

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this article really also spoke to me (esp going forward) about so many things that need not exist, ie, fears, unresolved anger, unexplored expectations etc....sure the site wishes for you to purchase their book, but I do think they hit the nail on the head big time with this summary for why things go south.

 

I also added another link in post# 11.

 

link removed

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hey canali,

 

glad you're sharing your ''stumbling''. i know i can definitely relate.

 

i'll share with you what's been starting to help for me.

 

initially, when the idea of feeling good began to manifest itself, i took it as a sign that i was progressing with healing. i began to identify with that. and...when i did 'stumble'...i began to think that because i had healed to a degree...i shouldn't be stumbling. i began to become aware of that particular thought. it was a very clearcut sign that i was beginning to slip into old patterns. i was at the point where i was letting my mind gain it's former control over me once again.

 

anyway, one way i've been able move on from these stumbling episodes has been through the practice of surrender (i call it practice because, for me, it's has been very difficult to achieve...and requires almost constant practice).

this means accepting fully how you are feeling. pay attention to your body. your feelings tell the inevitable truth. it sounds like your body is telling you that there is pain. try not to resist it. let it be. let was IS...be. resistance is a sign of unconscious thought.

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yeah thanks for that as below, 90 hour sleep

 

...you know i realize that I have been forgetting both my mindfulness meditations and exercises recently along with what i've been reading (to support what you kindly replied with) ie, 'Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach (fab book you can get it from your local library even)..focuses on when you feel sad/angry to go away from the thoughts into how the body is feeling it (thus cooling off the cognitions, too, by taking the focus away from mind chatter)...but yeah, accepting them and not fighting them or looking at myself as 'weak' for feeling such....'tis easy to forget eh?

 

Even in one chapter of her book the author (tara brach) talks of struggling with the fallout of her own love relationship and all her mindfulness skills...she finally had to adopt a loving kindness compassion towards accepting her own suffering as one aid to keep moving forward too.

 

we can be our own worst enemies at times, eh: if not fighting the fear dogs of the future (which don't exist) we're fighting our own emotions or not paying attention to our tapes....but good you mentioned it...just have to remember such.

 

hope this post helps others, too.

 

hugs to all!

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canali,

 

i wonder sometimes about the trap of ''believing'' in the idea of presence instead of actually ''experiencing'' it. even just thinking about it suggests that i'm trying desperately to identify with the experience, instead of just letting it be. letting it be...

 

so, i think this is an indication that this practice does indeed require practice.

when you stumble, you become aware. you have an awareness that you've stumbled. lol. it makes me laugh when i observe that thought within myself.

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Good read canali, thank you. Same boat here and it's been almost a full year. I'm not even close to being ready. I think this is normal, you're healing and rebuilding. We will become self sufficient and confident which will attract the next one then we will repeat the cycle all over again. Neediness is a killer -you're just building the opposite trait and halfway through it. 9 months from now you will have all kinds of options - I guarantee it.

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Hey Canali,

 

I wouldn't label you a pessimist unless you said to any prospective date that it "won't work out anyway" or approached a situation like that or treated somebody as so.

 

I think self preservation is paramount at the moment, and I can say that because I feel somewhat the same. I feel like the life has been sapped out of me just lately and can't really forecast anything happening on the matters of the heart score.

 

Not because I think I am incapable of finding that, but because like you, I am finding it hard to trust a little bit but am also unsure if I can truly give 100% of myself because I don't feel like I have 100% of myself "here" right now.

 

It isn't the first time in life I have been hurt, but it is the first time when I feel that fire within me and that optimism has began to dwindle. It'll come back, I just need some time alone. Perhaps you need the same, and not so much to focus on meeting somebody or sharing your life with them.

 

I know how you are feeling, keep your chin up.

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I definitely feel the same way. While my breakup is still fairly fresh (about 6 weeks), I don't really miss my ex anymore. However, he has left me jaded and so cynical of relationships. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but honestly, looking around me, I can't help, but feel that relationships are doomed. I don't see a happy couple anywhere. There are so many breakups around me all the time and the couples that stay together are miserable. I feel like the everlasting love that I dreamt about all my life really doesn't exist.

 

I feel like I cannot put my heart on the line again. I was so trusting and innocent in my relationship. I always felt that the person you love should be the most important person in your life and you should do anything (within reason) to make them happy. However, as I grow older and older, I find that that is simply not true. I find that love is not enough and sometimes it doesn't even play a major role in the relationship. Couples get together and stay together for things like need, convenience, or lust. My ex and I got together for love and it still didn't end well.

 

I am starting to think that maybe I should forget about relationships. They're more trouble than they are worth. I know that if I found someone like myself, who valued love and treated the person they loved like I do, then I would be extremely happy. However, even if someone like that existed, there is a very slim chance of them loving me and me loving them in return, or us even meeting in the first place.

 

As bad as it all sounds, this hopeless romantic is just becoming hopeless. I don't think I could go through this kind of heartbreak again. I am learning to be happy alone, so I don't want a relationship anymore. So far, I am making a lot of progress. Maybe love isn't done with me yet, but as of this moment, I am done with love until further notice.

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I am starting to think that maybe I should forget about relationships. They're more trouble than they are worth. I know that if I found someone like myself, who valued love and treated the person they loved like I do, then I would be extremely happy. However, even if someone like that existed, there is a very slim chance of them loving me and me loving them in return, or us even meeting in the first place.

 

I think those same thoughts; also, if there's someone that loving out there, what are the odds that they are also single?

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Pessimism is like a tape constantly paying back in your head that will lead to you sabotaging relationships in the future. It probably led to you sabotaging in the past and it will happen again.

 

Unless we take the opportunity to learn and grow from the choices we make in relationships, we will continue to repeat the same self defeating patterns in respect to the people we meet and the way we behave in relationships.

 

in the words of David Richo, "what we choose is destiny, what we refuse comes back to us as fate".

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Feeling a bit better today, thanks...just a glitch hopefully that I have to pay attention to.

 

I found a link i hope others will enjoy articles from.

The one at bottom is on anger control (if you click on main heading (link removed open up scroll down and

you'll find many more articles)....

of course some suggestions we know intutitively while others won't 'jive' ...with some suggestions they are but a need a gentle reminder.

 

link removed

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I went to the zoo with my mom today and saw tons of couples.

 

Yes, it is a zoo out there in Relationship Land!

 

 

Instead I want more friends in my life as per social 'investments' to diversify myself

 

I agree with Canali here. I think that is far the healthiest at this phase of healing. I need and want to build a larger, stronger foundation of caring.

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