Relationship vs. companionship

[Shoebox91]

My partner and I have been together for three years. About a year ago he was laid off from his job and decided to go back to school out of state. We've been having a long-distance relationship since then, seeing each other once or twice a month.

 

He and I have not had sex in two and a half years. He says the antidepressant he's taking (he's bipolar) has killed his sex drive. He hardly ever tells me he loves me unless I say it first, and he seems more interested in having a companion than a partner.

 

He's 12 years older than me, and I wonder if because he's had more relationships and experienced more than I have, if he's just happy to have someone to spend time with but not really have what I feel is a true relationship (living together, doing things together, having intimacy). When we do see each other now, he rarely wants to kiss me and once told me that he "doesn't want to be gay anymore." (Probably the result of some discrimination he went through at school.)

 

I really doubt now that he will return home to live with me when he finishes school. I see other happy gay couples who are so in love, and it makes me sad. He won't even go away with me on weekend trips and dismisses out of hand anything I ask him to do with me, usually before I even finish the sentence. What should I do? Is anyone else going through something similar?

[savignon]

Can you ask him what his plans are and then make a decision from there? It sounds like you want to be with him, is that right? Tell him how you feel and let him know that if he doesn't share those feelings, or he has no plans to move back, then it's time to go your separate ways.

It definitely feels like things are going backwards....moving out, less time together, less intimacy and less plans going forward. Those are some good talking points you can bring to him when you have your discussion.

It must feel awful to be dismissed mid-sentence and I'm sure it takes the wind out of your sails when you've thought of something fun you'd like to do with him.

The best thing you can do is put it all on the table and see what he has to say.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Best wishes.

[Shoebox91]

Thanks, Savignon. I do really love him very much and want to be with him. I don't think he realizes how much it hurts me when he refuses to go places with me or do things together. I'll admit, I've stopped visiting him as often in the last couple of months. Sometimes it's so difficult for me to be around him, wanting and trying to express my love to him and it being met usually with indifference. I think you're correct that we need to have a discussion about what his plans are for the future.

[Ifeelinvisable]

I'm bi. so I don't know about the gay thing,well at least i think,im bi.,but anyway it sounds as though he is only intrested in your companianship if i were you i would tell him kindly that you don't think it's working and take it from there,or of course you could scare him with the thought of losing you and it might make his additude change,it could make him better to you,but if you want sex,you should look else where,it sounds as though he is capable of living on his own so maybe you should consider other people.

[folie_a_deux]

i think you should be completely honest with him and tell him how you feel. i've seen it a million times with my parents. they fight and then my mum gets all teary and stuff, but at the end of the day, nothing is resolved. that is why people should be totally honest with eachother.

[Shoebox91]

I would like to talk with him about the issues, but choosing the right time is difficult (if there ever is a "right" time). I just feel that we're growing apart. I've been really down lately, thinking in my head that the relationship is coming to an end. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to go and I want him to be the one with me. Sadly, though, I wonder if we were still living together if he would even do them with me. Most times it's very hard to get him to anything. He always finds some fault with friends I introduce him to.

 

I'm not out to everybody, but I've reached a point that I really don't care who knows I'm gay. And it seems like he goes further back in the closet every day.

[lukeb]

Time to take stock of your relationship. What are you hanging on to? Your bf may change, but it wont be you that is going to change him. The only variable that you have control over in the relationship is you. Is that going to be enough to effect enough change in the relationship to make you happy? You are clearly not happy now.

 

You talk about places to go and doing things, are you using the relationship as an excuse not to do those things?

 

You are in a tough spot, and I wouldn't just tell you to leave this guy, but if you are not getting happiness out of the relationship, then it is time to look for happiness outside of the relationship. That means being out there and finding people with similar interests.