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What would life be without crappy timing?


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.... less than a week after my ex and I split up (after nearly five years), I received the news that I'd been waiting for/dreading for more than half of my life. My father told me what he could no longer hide -- he had lost well over 10% of his body weight, and had other symptoms indicating he was entering end-stage AIDS. His doctors didn't give him very long, speaking in terms of months. He hadn't told me about the weight loss until he'd lost 40 lbs. His BMI when I last saw him was 24 -- now it is 17.7.

 

My father was diagnosed in 1992 with HIV. I was 12. He's done well for a very long time, remarkably so. But he was never thorough or conscientious with his anti-retrovirals -- they do have some really awful side effects, and usually it was side effects that made him stop a regimen. Two years ago he was started on Fuzeon, the last-ditch newest type of anti-retroviral. Side effects (worse than AZT and several others) caused him to have to stop taking it, and they haven't come up with anything new in the meantime.

 

It's pretty odd growing up knowing your father is terminally ill. My parents divorced when I was three and I didn't see him until I was 12 -- so I'd not really known him until we knew he was dying. At the time they weren't sure he'd make it until I was 18. I'm 29.

 

I'm his only family. My mother has been divorced from the man for over 25 years -- she is worried about me, of course, but is happily married now and has her own life. His parents are dead, and both of my parents were only children.

 

I've managed to get my life somewhat together in the last two months -- it's actually been almost three since the breakup. I'm in my own apartment, have all of the utility and address changes done... so that is good.

 

This week I got the call that they are ready to admit him into hospice. They have identified several lesions on his liver and he is starting to experience dementia. As his next of kin my presence will be needed -- is needed now, to be honest, but I can't make the over 1000 mile trip right now -- because he cannot advocate for himself. They aren't talking days yet, they're talking weeks.

 

... for the last nearly five years I had been feeling a lessened burden because I didn't think I'd be doing this alone. I knew the time would come. Before I met my ex I was prepared to do it on my own -- because I didn't picture it otherwise. Now, facing it by myself after not thinking I would have to for so long....

 

It's really really tough right now. I'm trying to figure out a lot of logistical arrangements from getting someone to take care of my cat to how I'm going to pay for my father's burial when I'm already strapped for cash and going to have to take unpaid leave to go to be with him (he has been on SSI and has absolutely no savings or funeral policies or insurance money coming down). I want to scream at my ex for leaving just when everything was going to not be so peachy, but I know that is not fair -- that if he had known how serious Dad's condition was getting he probably would have made himself stay miserable longer by staying with me because he would have felt too guilty to leave.

 

*rails and rants and raves at the Fates, cursing them for their wretched sense of humor*

 

... I feel a bit better now. Thanks for listening.

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hey,

 

i am so sorry to hear all this. i know i cannot do anything but i will ask God to give you the strength needed to go through this. i feel so bad for you. my thoughts and prayers are with you. stay strong, i know it's easier said than done. but may God give you the strength to deal with all this.

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Really sorry to hear about this. One of my aunts has terminal cancer, diagnosed recently, and we are in a similar position where the doctors are saying she probably has weeks left if that.

 

It's going to be tough, especially with dealing with your ex leaving as well. But you sound like you're doing really well considering how hard it must be. This is a horrible situation but it sounds like you've had a lot more time with your dad than you expected to have, and hopefully you've got some good memories from that.

 

Are you still on speaking terms with your ex? If he was part of your life for 5 years then he may be just as likely to offer support even though you've broken up, though obviously be sure you can deal with his presence at a time when you're going to be really emotionally unstable. But if you are still able to talk to him then you might not have to go through this entirely alone.

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Thats a lot of stress and pressure to be carrying around even at 29. You have my thoughts and prayers that you can find the strength to cope with such a loss of your father. Losing a parent is extremely difficult and I see your burden of also coping with all the loose ends as his only next of kin. Despite your parents being divorced so many years hopefully your mom will step up and do everything she can for you.

 

Peace and Love

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There's no mileage in telling your Ex? Would he be supportive or has it gone too sour?

 

Hugs to you, this is a terribly sad and heavy situation. The silver lining is that your father won't suffer for too long - that is also the tragedy. I'm so sorry...

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Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers.

 

I think honestly I'm the one that's bitter. He was cheating, he hadn't had sex with her but had been planning to move in with her for months while we were still together, and he put a ring on her finger five days after he left me. He won't even apologize. He still owes me $950 but I don't anticipate I will get it.

 

I don't want to have to go to him over this. Maybe I'm too prideful. I just don't want him to see me vulnerable. I also don't want him to think I'm blaming him for timing. It is not his fault, he did not know and even if he had I wouldn't have wanted him to have stayed with me lying to me a moment longer.

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My heart goes out to you. I'd consider going to the ex for the money he owes you by telling him you'll need it quickly for your Dad's funeral. If he won't cough up at least some of it for that, then that fact might help you get over him quicker.

 

Very sorry for the impending loss of your father. I hope you'll write more if it helps, and I hope you'll find some comfort here.

 

My best,

Cat

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Good idea, Cat. I see your reasons for not asking for his support, quite right too, but he DOES owe you money and - well, you NEED it! It's the best possible opportunity you could have to ask for it back, IMHO. No need for a long conversation.

 

Hugs.

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