Are my standards too high?

[Sirquacksalot]

Hey all,

 

Its been awhile since I was on ENA. It just felt like I needed some real human contact... through the computer. Funny how that is, I guess. I got out of a very serious relationship about a year and a half ago, and really haven't had any luck with women since. I've been told that I'm 'averagely' attractive, and in fact had some women come onto me, but they were always friends first, and never someone that I'd really consider dating. Hypocritical of me, I guess. I really tried to like a friend of mine a few months ago, but she just wasn't physically attractive to me, nor was her personality one that I thought I could really handle, so I kindly but firmly told her that I wasn't interested. Haven't heard from that friend since, unfortunately.

 

I've been told by more than one person that 'my standards are too high'. The majority of this comes from my roommate who is involved with a girl whom I just can't fathom why they're together. They live in different cities, have different interests entirely, different career paths, and are (to my mind) physically incompatible. He's lanky-thin, and she's more than a little on the chubby side... yet they seem grossly happy together. Every time I've brought the subject of 'why are you even dating her?' up, and bemoan the fact that I don't have anyone in my life, I get the response of 'your standards are too high' eventually.

 

I guess my question here is: I've tried to lower my standards, but if I just don't find someone physically attractive, or if they have personality traits that I know for sure I won't be able to deal with long-term, am I being too picky in not dating them?

[tastytoothpaste]

omg I'm in the same exact boat. And not only that, but I JUST got home from a date lol it was mediocre...he said he wants to do it again, but I def don't. I've dated several guys in the past few months, but none are doing it for me. I'm not lowering my standards, just cuz I know that even if I make a conscious decision to do that, I'm still not gonna be attracted to them. I think the same is true for you.

[Sn0man]

You don`t have to lower your standards. In fact, that is the worst thing anyone could do because you end up settling for someone who you think lowly of and always say to yourself in the back of your mind "I could have done better".... not cool.

 

Just keep your standards where they are and eventually someone will come around.

[waveseer]

When you meet the woman who simply "does it for you" she could have every single one of the qualities you find annoying and you'd think they were cute on her. Hold out for that woman.

[Capricorn3]

I guess this is a Catch 22 situation. If you lower your standards, but you are not crazy about their personalities and/or don't find them attractive, then you already know it won't work for you anyway, so what's the point?

 

You can't force yourself to like someone who you don't find attractive, but I guess you can always at least give them a chance. Without ever giving anyone a chance, you could be missing out on the right person.

 

Like I said, a Catch 22 situation.

[Sirquacksalot]

I guess the nagging thought in the back of my mind is 'COULD I do better than ____?' and if not, why not? Being surrounded by people in relationships is definitely making me feel inadequate and kind of like a loser, I guess, and then I get berated for sticking to my guns and not wanting to settle for someone I know I can't have a future with...

 

Its nice to hear from others in the same boat. Much as I dislike not having a date right now, I'm sure it sucks coming home from one that didn't go so hot. Sorry things didn't work out with whatshisname, Southern.

[enchanted771]

Dont dont dont lower your standards. I married someone who i thought would make a great husband and father, but was only minimally attracted to. It was more his personality that i was attracted to. He was a good husband and father, but we never really clicked, and we are divorced. Crazy, but in my mind i thought all good looking men were jerks, so i settled. Now, i know better.

[tastytoothpaste]

I guess the nagging thought in the back of my mind is 'COULD I do better than ____?' and if not, why not? Being surrounded by people in relationships is definitely making me feel inadequate and kind of like a loser, I guess, and then I get berated for sticking to my guns and not wanting to settle for someone I know I can't have a future with...

 

Its nice to hear from others in the same boat. Much as I dislike not having a date right now, I'm sure it sucks coming home from one that didn't go so hot. Sorry things didn't work out with whatshisname, Southern.

 

Oh it's no big deal. I mean I was kind of expecting it. And honestly, I knew this guy didn't meet my standards, but I went out with him just to see. One date, I didn't let him kiss me or anything, and now I know for sure. So I would suggest doing the same. Don't write them off right away. Go on a date to make sure. And now it's easy for me to know I did the right thing and I don't have to feel bad about it.

[furious]

I agree, if you lower your standards you will be in an even unhappier situation than you are now. Although I realize how bad it must be to go from a comfortable relationship to having trouble finding a new date.

[Lowconfidence]

Your standards aren't too high. But where you live is. The population in Fredericton is too small. Not enough quality girls to choose from.

[sparkles4]

I think that in general, there's nothing wrong with having standards and you shouldn't settle for someone that doesn't do it for you. I could only see it being a problem if your standards were something completely unrealistic, like refusing to go out with anyone who doesn't look like a supermodel.

[Kristallnacht]

we're in the same boat OP.

 

I personally don't feel my standards are "too high". I am about 5'7 , in pretty decent physical shape , around average looking/ average attractive (not "hot" by any means but ok), and i think i am pretty fun to be around especially in the eyes of a girl. Yet, I can't seem to find a girl that is even remotely attractive to me that likes me back.

 

I personally don't find overweight women to be attractive period. Nor do I find women with notably ugly looking faces attractive. The rest is up in the air really i could care less about breast size eye color hair color . Yet, it seems like the ONLY women who show any interest in me at all are way below average looking and all the average looking women I know who I thought were in my league are with guys much better looking than me, and all the hot, above average women really seem to hate men (generally). People generally tend to stick to their own physical type leagues, so I can only assume that I am even less physically attractive than I originally thought, something in my looks makes women see me as way below average like I see the girls who are the same.

 

I believe the reason for this in my case that I guess being not very tall for a man is the equivelent of a girl being very overweight or having a very ugly face. It's probably why im doomed to never have a woman I am attracted to on any level unless I become rich. There might be something in your OP that is really unattractive to women (like being short or having a body too skinny) physically or in other ways (like acting effeminate or boring).

[CrazyKing]

The more things you want, the less the chance to get them I guess, perhaps that's why most women who are single for a long time have an overwhelming list with things they want in a partner, like most would say, "My standarts aren't too high" and their list goes on something like this:

*Successful

*A good cook

*Romantic

*has lots of friends

*likes children

*is a good housekeeper

*a perfect sex partner

*respected by everyone

etc..

etc..

etc..

 

Dunno, it's the same with jobs - one can work in THREE jobs and earn, let's say 3000$ a month, while the other one is desperately walking around, trying to find ONE job with a 3000$ salary...

[ghost69]

i'm picky too. i won't lower my standards just to meet someone though. gotta have it all or nothing.

[cat_lady]

Honestly, if you are waiting for someone to meet all your standards, you might be waiting a while. Someone who is really hot and has a great personality and a great career/job and is independent and outgoing and has no emotional baggage or whatever it is you might look for doesn't come by every day. And when she does, do you have enough to offer her to keep her around?

 

All I have to say is that I kept holding out for my standards and I was spending my weeknights alone. And then I met a wonderful person who perhaps didn't fill the list of my requirements in many many aspects but I'm having so much fun with him and doing so many new things, that while I'm not living up to my "full potential" in terms of romantic partners, my quality of life overall has increased dramatically.

 

I'm not saying you should lower your standards or go for someone who you are not attracted to, but the above is just something to think about and be realistic about.

[jenny_mcs]

Your standards are not too high if what you want in a partner is something you have yourself. Be honest with yourself--

 

--If you want a partner who has a great body, do you have a great body?

--If you want a partner who is emotionally stable, are you emotionally stable?

--If you want a partner who has a good job/is successful, do you have a good job/success?

 

Etc.

[ghost69]

Your standards are not too high if what you want in a partner is something you have yourself. Be honest with yourself--

 

--If you want a partner who has a great body, do you have a great body?

--If you want a partner who is emotionally stable, are you emotionally stable?

--If you want a partner who has a good job/is successful, do you have a good job/success?

 

Etc.

 

i disagree 100%. it's great to have the same interests, but it doesn't go straight accross the board like that. i'm brunette, they have to be brunette. nope.

[cat_lady]

i disagree 100%. it's great to have the same interests, but it doesn't go straight accross the board like that. i'm brunette, they have to be brunette. nope.

 

That's a really bad example.

 

But I have a great body and invest the time into working out and looking good and I meet some guy's "high standard" that he's been holding out for -obviously I know I'm in shape and what I'm worth - so if this guy is just an average shape guy, am I gonna go for him? No.

[ghost69]

That's a really bad example.

 

But I have a great body and invest the time into working out and looking good and I meet some guy's "high standard" that he's been holding out for -obviously I know I'm in shape and what I'm worth - so if this guy is just an average shape guy, am I gonna go for him? No.

 

i know it's a bad example, it was supposed to be. but to say i'm looking for this i better be that too. it's not apples and oranges all around like that.

[furious]

i know it's a bad example, it was supposed to be. but to say i'm looking for this i better be that too. it's not apples and oranges all around like that.

 

I agree:

 

Examples:

 

A lot of non-athletic girls for look for athletic guys.

A lot of overweight guys look for slim girls.

 

Vice versa, etc.

[CrazyKing]

I agree:

 

Examples:

 

A lot of non-athletic girls for look for athletic guys.

A lot of overweight guys look for slim girls.

 

Vice versa, etc.

 

I guess it's because many people want someone to free them from their complexes because they're too coward to do it themselves...

[Pegasus]

Everyone would like to date - up. So, partner who is from higher league than they are.

 

You should realize that sticking with your standards might mean that you will find that person but it also could mean you will remain single to the rest of your life. It's a risk and only you can really estimate if it's worth it or not.

[WomanWriter]

I am in the same boat. I would say I'm also average looking or just kinda cute in my own way but definitely not a "hottie"...and I have high standards myself. It's tough because you have a dilemma: you either settle or be alone. I'm hoping to meet someone great...I don't want a supermodel, but there are certain things I like and others I really don't like. I can't help it either and I know I'm not some raving beauty who can have any guy she wants so it makes it tough to find someone I will be attracted to who will feel the same for me.

 

Most of the guys I like could be considered "average" or just slightly above average, but my last ex was drop-dead gorgeous. How was your ex? It's hard to lower your standards physically after you've had someone you could stare at all day! And I never used to think myself shallow, but now I don't know.

 

How much settling is too much and how picky is too picky? I guess the answer is to get out there as much as possible so you have a good chance of meeting someone compatible....the more you're out there, the more chances to meet that someone special. Sitting at home doesn't help (unless you're purusing a dating site). I should know because I don't get out too much except simple things with my female friends a few times a month.

 

Hopefully mere quantity will help.

[WomanWriter]

That's a really bad example.

 

But I have a great body and invest the time into working out and looking good and I meet some guy's "high standard" that he's been holding out for -obviously I know I'm in shape and what I'm worth - so if this guy is just an average shape guy, am I gonna go for him? No.

 

That makes sense. That's why I don't expect my future partner to be a body builder. I'm a bit overweight (trying to lose, though) so I don't mind if the guy is a bit chubby himself.

 

But the standards that I hold for myself should at LEAST be held for my partner too, right? I make a point to be honest and open and won't tolerate a guy who is private and deceptive. I like a man with a nice smile...well people tell me I have a nice smile, so I don't think it's too much to ask for that little physical thing. I don't demand certain other things but they are nice perks.

 

I definitely don't expect someone to have some great career when I'm laid off and on Unemployment.

 

I think my standards are in line with who I am...I wouldn't expect something from him I don't expect from myself....BUT I do have a long list of standards for both me AND him...so why should I tolerate less in him than I would in me, yanno? No one is perfect but if you're not into someone, you just aren't. Too bad we couldn't make ourselves like anyone.

[Siriana]

Every time I've brought the subject of 'why are you even dating her?' up, and bemoan the fact that I don't have anyone in my life, I get the response of 'your standards are too high' eventually.

 

 

You might lose your friend if you keep pushing your standards onto him.