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wow i really dont know what to do


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Im still crying idk what to do anymore * * * * ing * * * * . I really cant believe this is happening to me. Im having the worst day ever. I think i might have came accross a video of my ex and her guy having sex. I dont believe this idk I just dont believe this. Its been so long and i still feel so much pain. I barely even get thru my days and everything has just gotten so bad for me. Its sad because we were each others first real relationship and were supposed to be each others first. Its just that never happened and i didnt get it because we both really wanted things to work out and happen but so many things changed. I still till this day have no idea how ill ever find a girl that was like her because she was so different. We both really stood out and really couldnt fit in. We also had alot of issues with our families. She basically left me for someone that she said was like me but had more in common with her issues like being abused and idk what else. I still dont know how to deal with her leaving me because ive been abandoned so much that ive never had anyone to be close to. I still struggle alot with trying to abandon her or leave her. Its like i know so much about how it wasnt going to work out and how she decided to be with someone else. Its just so much doesnt make sense because she would say stuff like i was her dream guy and i saw how she wasnt as positive being with this new guy. I felt like i tried everything to bring her up and it just always ended up with her issues being too bad.

 

I cant even describe my life during all the time that ive been apart from her because its been like all my nightmares and demons just ruining my life. Im supposed to think that im going to find someone else but i just know how special things were with us. Its like we really thought alot alike and made each other better. Its just because of her issues with her childhood she had really crazy moodswings. I never was really abused by her but she made things impossible. I definitely did basically everything so we could have a relationship that would last. Its just once it was really close to the end she become a really * * * * ed up person. She would say anything to me to get her away from me because she didnt want to be with me anymore. I could see right thru it and see how she still loved me but i dont know how to understand a person that can be completely different people like that. I guess somehow im supposed to because of what im going thru now but all i can do is try to get my mind off of how bad my life is.

 

Its crazy because of everything i went thru with her that now ive developed things she used to do and its crazy. It messed me up so bad for someone that i was that close with to be able to treat me like i meant nothing. Its even crazier because she wasnt the type of girl that i thought would be attracted to someone sweet talking her and thats basically what the guy did. She was really messed up because she was telling me how he was like me and in a way wanted to make him seem like he was better then me. Its just i knew he wasnt because i would never go for someone elses girl. Its just that feeling was deeply scarred in my brain because of how my whole memory blocked out everything. I never had anyone i could be close to and then just like that everything just turned into this nightmare. Its like everything i thought i knew changed into a parallel universe. Its crazy like i cant be attracted to anyone because of how it reminds me of her and ive basically needed to block out any type of sexual thoughts because it would deal with her. I still am trying to deal with a very messed up obsession and i dont even know what to really do. Its like she was alot better than any girl i ever thought i was going to be with and then im just supposed to somehow see that it was all too good to be true.

 

I have so many issues on top of all of this i really would of rather have gone crazy then have to deal with my reality. I just say that because i really thought i was going to lose it because ive gone so deep into a very dark place. Its so sick that i had to go thru something to remind myself of all the pain that i couldnt deal with that was blocked out. I really havent had much to really make myself get thru this besides just trying to not kill myself and trying to get myself to a place where hopefully my life would be alot better then its been. I have so much anger and resentment that i cant even deal with it all and it always eats away at me. Im supposed to somehow find a way thru this but things will never be the same. I waited for who i thought was the right girl and then everything just got all messed up. Im now supposed to live with her being with someone else for her first time but then her telling me how she cried and thought it should of been me. I just asked that because this whole time i couldnt be with anyone without thinking of how sad it would be that it wasnt her. Its just i know that she wanted it to happen or it wouldnt happen because i was with a girl afterwards and I didnt go all the way with her but we did do some stuff. I realized that i wasnt doing things for the right reasons and i stopped myself but i already did things that now i can say i would of never done if i wasnt in that situation. Its just so hard because i know you can never take this back or relive those moments.

 

I know some people wont understand because they didnt wait the same way i did but if you even can think of you wanting things to end up a certain way and them turning into a really big mess then thats what its like. Im not stupid and know that not all dreams come true but wow this is a messed up way to learn that lesson. I just want to jump out of my body because i cant think how this can really be my life. Its so many things i cant even go into because its not stuff you just talk about with anyone. Its crazy because ive had to deal with being self-destructive for so long and i couldnt do anything besides just deal with it. I just keep seeing how pain is such a big part of my life but if im never able to deal with everything going on how am i supposed to ever enjoy my life. I wanted to be with her so bad and i still probably do but no matter what I cant change what happened. I just dont know how you live with this and dont let this completely shut down your life. I guess about the video is that i couldnt really tell because of how i didnt really hear her say anything and shes supposed to have a tattoo on her back but idk. I dont even know if it was her or just how much it made me see it as her that really * * * * ed me up. I guess i didnt really talk about alot of the stuff she did for people. She is going to school for psychology which is what i want to do, she works as a teacher or a teachers assistant, she basically had so many things that made her my ideal person but it just never really worked because of the stuff going on with us. She is basically the exact physical type that i would want and was actually alot better then i could imagine. She really had almost everything besides all the issues. I know how you can say how i met someone like that once and how maybe i could meet someone like that again but it will all be different. So many crazy things like us being our firsts and also wanting to be our lasts, never meeting someone that we just clicked with, I could talk to her forever and it never got boring or tired. I just know that people can say that she was my poison because she probably was but idk how with everything im going thru im ever going to be able to deal with this.

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This is why i get mad at people but its hard because i understand it. Ive never had someone that could really understand what ive had to go thru. Its just because of that even maybe to a fault i try to help people that dont always have people around them. Its hard to understand how just a few words can mean so much. Its like i wrote alot, it might have came off as a rant, and basically its so much and really intense that there isnt alot of things people might know how to respond to. Its just in my head im like even if that is the case would it matter to know how much it means to someone to just have someone just take some time to give a few words of advice or encouragement. Its like i end up having to look for help because i really dont have any but it usually just goes back to me having to rely on myself. Ive had to really look at myself and the person i am and try to find a way to see how things might get better if i can get thru this.

 

Its just the sad thing is they wont get that much better. Ill never have a good support system or an easy time finding one because im so different and a loner, i wont be able to look at my childhood and see how it helped me become the person i am today for good reasons, Im still going to struggle with this from time to time because it was such a dark time in my life, but there is so many bad aspects of it as well. I have alot of issues that i have no idea when ill ever be able to get past them, i feel so isolated from the world and people because i wasnt born to be someone that had an easy time with the way the world is or could process it well, Im always going to question if my life will ever be this bad again which i cant even stand even if its not as bad, and i seem to always have to deal with a chip on my shoulder and try to understand how im not the type of person most people gravitate to because of my issues. I wonder if i should be ok with people not having anything to say because maybe its better then having someone respond with something that isnt really anything helpful. Its like people always say to start with yourself but i really dont know what else i could do. I guess its just a part of life to deal with the shortcomings of things being the way they are but i just see how i have to deal with that so much that its cruel.

 

I guess i didnt even get into how ive had to really block out the thought of her being with someone else because she just didnt seem that way or i never thought it would happen. It just seemed like we were supposed to be with each other and it made going thru everything i went thru in my life not so bad. Ive never been happy in my life until that point and im still trying to scramble to find a way to figure out how that will happen again to me. I also saw the video and it was so like picture perfect close to being her that even if it wasnt her that it still drove me crazy. I always feared that I would see something like that and still dont get why i would have to see something like that. I cant even get into it because its still so vivid in my head. I just dont know how to deal with it without blocking it out.

 

I also wanted to get into how you should try to do things for yourself and im slowly learning how i cant really always look for people because really im not going to find alot of people that will be able to be there for me. Its just i think that one of the most important things and probably the most enjoyable is having people around you and how that seems to change everything. Its just ive never had that luxury and thats what im starting to see is everything good in life your not just going to get it most of the time. Its really something that comes accross every once and awhile and you can never make it happen just for the sake of it happening. Im trying to figure out a way to work thru this or find a way to make this better but i really cant. Its like i cant even get down on myself because i really dont have anyone else and with everything ive been thru already that ive come to far to go back.

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