Jump to content

How to command more respect?


BurnerMan

Recommended Posts

I've been taking some night classes recently, and some of them involved things like group projects.

 

Two separate individuals have chosen to stand me up rather than show respect for my time for things like study meetups and project work and the like. I was only able to tell them after the fact that I didn't like dealing with flaky people. I was able to take no action to set them straight nor prevent anything of that sort in the future.

 

However, I would like to know how to prevent this sort of thing in the future, and learn how to command respect in a fashion that people show respect for my time. What social skills would I best learn in order to accomplish this and teach people that I am the wrong person to play these sorts of games with?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, nobody would like that...especially if their grade was on the line. Maybe next time exchange #s and tell them, "shoot me a text if you don't think you'll make it" and that way they have a way out without wasting your time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, nobody would like that...especially if their grade was on the line. Maybe next time exchange #s and tell them, "shoot me a text if you don't think you'll make it" and that way they have a way out without wasting your time.

 

In one case, the person did have my number. That didn't stop them from wasting my time. (The other didn't have my number, but I ran into him two hours later by chance in a library where we were both looking to study, and he turned out to be completely unprepared anyways.)

 

In each case, neither seemed to care that they were wasting my time. What would I do to prevent this sort of behavior?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The tone of your post seems a bit demanding to do it your way. I hope this isn't how you come accross to others when you first meet.

 

It may sound so, I suppose, but I'd suspect that the entire point of meeting up is that it isn't one's own way; people who meet up to study or work would presumably have a common goal of some sort that would make it both/all of their way to show up on time and do the stuff.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can't really prevent anyone from acting a certain way. FortunateOne makes a good suggestion to examine how you might be coming off. If you're vibe is "don't waste my time", it may seem unfriendly and intimidating. Of course you don't *say" "don't waste my time" but sometimes it can be felt that you're just going to let a particular person down and so then you don't even bother trying in the first place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had this happen to me often. People will either respect your time or they won't. I once went on my hour lunch break( + a 30 min time extension)accross town - a 20 minute drive - to have a quick meeting and meet with someone to give them notes for a class they missed. They were not there before the meeting, or after. I sent texts before and after with no response. I finally could wait no longer sent a text saying I was inthe parking lot, and needed to leave. I get a message saying, hey my class was cancelled can you leave them in the library for me to pick up? I was peeved. By the time I got it I was in the car and three minutes away.

 

I responded that it was too late I had already left and that had I known that she was not going to be there, I would have attempted at another arrangement, but as it was I was late for work and would not be going back to the school.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have this with students, and it's relatively easy to handle, albeit somewhat unpleasant. My approach is to treat everyone with trust and friendliness initially, because I don't want to prejudge how anyone will behave. Then, when someone is flaky, I come down on them harshly, demanding to know what their reason is, pointing that my time cannot be wasted, and that if they ever want my help in the future, they'd damn well better get it together. That approach almost invariably works in my experience, but then I'm in a different position than you are; if it's with your peers, it's a bit more difficult, but you can still do something similar, I think.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could it be that they know you are expecting and demanding respect through you demeanor and they are just avoiding you on purpose? There is a right and wrong way to approach situations and you have to be friendly towards people in order to get any kind of reaction out of them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can't really prevent anyone from acting a certain way. FortunateOne makes a good suggestion to examine how you might be coming off. If you're vibe is "don't waste my time", it may seem unfriendly and intimidating. Of course you don't *say" "don't waste my time" but sometimes it can be felt that you're just going to let a particular person down and so then you don't even bother trying in the first place.

 

How would I best do such examination?

Also, considering that I was the one that was showing up and getting stood up, how in the world would I be the one letting anyone down?

 

I had this happen to me often. People will either respect your time or they won't. I once went on my hour lunch break( + a 30 min time extension)accross town - a 20 minute drive - to have a quick meeting and meet with someone to give them notes for a class they missed. They were not there before the meeting, or after. I sent texts before and after with no response. I finally could wait no longer sent a text saying I was inthe parking lot, and needed to leave. I get a message saying, hey my class was cancelled can you leave them in the library for me to pick up? I was peeved. By the time I got it I was in the car and three minutes away.

 

I responded that it was too late I had already left and that had I known that she was not going to be there, I would have attempted at another arrangement, but as it was I was late for work and would not be going back to the school.

Sorry to hear you're running into this too. Is there a way to teach people that this behavior isn't kosher?

 

I have this with students, and it's relatively easy to handle, albeit somewhat unpleasant. My approach is to treat everyone with trust and friendliness initially, because I don't want to prejudge how anyone will behave. Then, when someone is flaky, I come down on them harshly, demanding to know what their reason is, pointing that my time cannot be wasted, and that if they ever want my help in the future, they'd damn well better get it together. That approach almost invariably works in my experience, but then I'm in a different position than you are; if it's with your peers, it's a bit more difficult, but you can still do something similar, I think.

I try to come down on them harshly, but no one seems to care.

 

Could it be that they know you are expecting and demanding respect through you demeanor and they are just avoiding you on purpose? There is a right and wrong way to approach situations and you have to be friendly towards people in order to get any kind of reaction out of them.

 

It's possible that people are avoiding me, but then why in the world would they even set up a meeting of any kind in the first place if they sought to avoid me?

I'm more than friendly enough. (I approach people all the time, but virtually no one approaches me--something else that I've also been getting quite sick of, but don't know how to correct.).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are not a bad person. Maybe, like me, you have been rejected so much in life that you are unknowingly acting as if everyone is out to hurt you? Do you find yourself needing confirmation from others a lot? Or to be around people to be happy? If so, then you might be going through some kind of phase. It will pass though. You just have to keep on telling yourself that you are worth it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are not a bad person. Maybe, like me, you have been rejected so much in life that you are unknowingly acting as if everyone is out to hurt you? Do you find yourself needing confirmation from others a lot? Or to be around people to be happy? If so, then you might be going through some kind of phase. It will pass though. You just have to keep on telling yourself that you are worth it!

 

I have had long-standing trouble finding quality teammates in general (in the past, it usually was a matter of trying to avoid inept and/or lazy ones, but on very rare occasions one might find the extremely sharp wretch who is looking for a chump to cover the busywork for him), so it is difficult for me to be trusting about this in general. But obviously it isn't a gamebreaking sort of thing because otherwise these people would not have wanted to set up a meeting at all.

 

Thus, though I do not believe that everyone is out to hurt me, I do realize that few people are genuinely willing to work with me in good faith, and among those few fewer still are desirable as teammates. I do not have reason to trust, but I am being given no choice but to blindly do so because desirables do not seek me out.

 

Regarding needing to be around other people, with any form of team assignment one needs to be around other people by its nature, unless one is crazy enough to attempt the entire thing single-handed (especially when doing so and competing for grades against groups!).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is not a matter of commanding respect..I am sure there are plenty of people who respect you. There are people out there who are just plain uncooperative and they will only dance to the tune of someone in a position of authority who can fire them or give them a bad grade...and even then some people are so full of themselves they even defy those in authority positions. I doubt that this is really about you..this is about them and their attitude "nobody tells me what to do". In life you will constantly run into people like that. I hate group projects for that reason, because there are always uncooperative people who don't pull their weight or who stall the project. This happens even on work projects.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems they're not as mature/responsible/invested/committed to the class as you, you should probably talk to the professor if next meeting doesn't occur either.

 

I would keep a log detailing all scheduled meetings and what each member contributed (or not) which can be useful later if for example it gets to the point where you need to leave a name out of the report/project that you turn in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the poster who said this comes accross as demanding.

 

I don't think, in this case, you can really "command" respect. Those guys were just flakes. It wasn't personal and they weren't disrespecting you per se, you just had poor luck by being stuck with irresponsible people. I'd want to go to the teacher and set them straight so these slackers don't get credit for your solo efforts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The class has been over a couple weeks now. I'm glad it's done with. I'm just sick that this all happened and that I seemed to have no defense against it nor any pre-emptive measures against it.

 

What would I do to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future? In an ideal situation, I'd be able to choose people effectively, but that's never how things seem to work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The class has been over a couple weeks now. I'm glad it's done with. I'm just sick that this all happened and that I seemed to have no defense against it nor any pre-emptive measures against it.

 

What would I do to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future? In an ideal situation, I'd be able to choose people effectively, but that's never how things seem to work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ugh, I hate flaky people so much. I just wish people would either go or at least say they are not going to make it. Why do people do that? Why do they just not show up and never tell anyone? They know it's important ... at least important to the other people. I guess they don't really care at all. I used to hate group projects so much when I was school because I ended up having to do the work just so I can get a good grade. Because I knew no one else was going to take the time to get things done. I was always so angry about that. If you can, just avoid group projects altogether. Ask the professor if you can work alone on the project. You're going to end up doing most of the work anyway if you're in a group. The only difference is that the slackers will get the same credit as you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been taking some night classes recently, and some of them involved things like group projects.

 

Two separate individuals have chosen to stand me up rather than show respect for my time for things like study meetups and project work and the like. I was only able to tell them after the fact that I didn't like dealing with flaky people. I was able to take no action to set them straight nor prevent anything of that sort in the future.

 

However, I would like to know how to prevent this sort of thing in the future, and learn how to command respect in a fashion that people show respect for my time. What social skills would I best learn in order to accomplish this and teach people that I am the wrong person to play these sorts of games with?

 

well a few points:

 

- nobody owes you respect. these people don't consider, and why should they? they are not close to you.

 

- in future, don't be so involved with classmate in night classes. In my experience, i have got on well with classmates after initially being nice to them and respectful. and due to this respect building up, we have gone on study evenings and such.

 

My advice to you is to not demand respect, but ask them what parts of the course they like and what parts they need help in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the reason you're not getting the responses you're looking for is that there unfortunately isn't a way to make people respect you.

My fiancee is a sweetheart of a guy and does not have any kind of commanding presense and people often don't afford him the respect he deserves. I on the other hand "command respect" (for lack of a better term) and can resolve some issues better than he can. Today we had an issue at the bank and when I went in, they were all accomodating and helpful but when he had gone in earlier, they told him they couldn't help him. When we left the bank, he was like, "Why would they help you and not me?" and we got into the whole issue of "commanding respect", whatever that means. I said, "we just have a different presence and often mine can come accross as witchy or rude...it's not better...but I get what I need to get done. You're not doing anything wrong. People just respond to different people differently"

Without being critical, it would be very hard to tell him what to do to change his presence and I wouldn't even want him to. That's why people may not give you the right answer here. You may be a very lovely person just the way you are and some people will respect you and some people won't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

- in future, don't be so involved with classmate in night classes.

Was my initial post not clear that there were group projects involved in the class? Such things necessarily require involving classmates in one's work...

 

In my experience, i have got on well with classmates after initially being nice to them and respectful. and due to this respect building up, we have gone on study evenings and such.

I think it's quite clear that this has not been happening.

 

There's something I'm curious about, no attempt at insult intended--is English not your first language?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...