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PLEASE HELP! I am so lost and upset, I don't know what to do anymore.


swingkat77

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In the beginning, my boyfriend was sweet, sensitive and caring. He was older than me and, for all intensive purposes, it seemed like he had his act together. He was artistic, talented, attentive, and very intelligent. When we met four years ago, I wasn't looking for a relationship, but we connected on a level I felt I had never experienced, he truly was a miraculous addition to my life, and 14 years-older than me.

 

There are some very obvious differences between the two of us, he spent the first 25 years of his single man life never in a long-term relationship. Instead, he dated many, many, many beautiful women and had an enormous amount of sexual partners. He was in the military for a long time, but never a real career outside of typical service. His passion is music, and he wanted to eventually work in the industry as a producer. He partied all the time, had limited income, and lived a very laid back lifestyle. He is very shallow, and told me in the beginning he never settled down because he couldn't find a woman to meet his standards, and then I came along. Almost every woman he dated was skinny, gorgeous, and perfect on the outside.

 

I am very successfull, career minded and have been pursuing my dreams since the age of 16. At close to 32 years-old now, I have accomplished every goal I have set my mind to. I am highly successful in my career and advance very quickly up the ladder. I'm social, have many friends, but I am dedicated to my career, my family, relationships and ensuring that I meet the standards which I set for myself.

 

He is unemployed now, and has never worked a job that he truly loved, nor ever really made enough money to make ends meet.

 

There's the background, here's my issue:

 

He has changed. About a year and a half into our relationship I quit smoking. I have always been honest with him, and told him I feared quitting becaues I turn into a horrible person. I cannot control the aggitation from the nicotine withdrawl. In all my attempts at quitting, I tried to avoid people as much as possible because of the understanding that I had diffiulty controlling my aggitation. During the period I quit smoking I was on edge, crabby, and I had a hard time controlling it. Although I would consistently apologize for my actions, try hard not to be short with him, I wasn't perfect....but he was very quick to jump on my case.

 

In the process of quitting smoking I became pregnant (not planned)....I have historically not been able to take birth control because the horomones affect me, they change my personality and give me massive mood swings. Additionally, I have PMD, so basically every month is a roller coaster ride of horomones and while pregnant I was on overdrive. My OB was to the point where he was going to give me an RX for anti-depressants because of the affect the pregnancy was having on me. But, due to lack FDA testing on fetuses, I did not want to chance anything happening to my baby.

 

He was not supportive. He couldn't understand the ups and downs that I had with my moods. He couldn't understand why I was gaining weight. In fact, he generally was absent in my pregnancy, instigating fights, getting mad at me for simple things. It was a nightmare. I was on the phone with my father a great deal of time crying and trying to ascertain if I was doing something wrong.

 

It get's worse. Ever since our son was born it has become even worse. Around the house he is mean, he has double standards, he treats me horribly and talks down to me. I have always been thin by nature, never bigger than a Size 6, and I was a Size 4 before I was pregnant. However, I blew up considerably during my pregnancy. Since then, I have been working 60-80 hours per week, taking care of my son, and spending my free time remodeling a house. I have only lost about 50 pounds of pregnancy weight, and I have another 40 to go. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. He thinks I'm lazy, and I am not attentive to how my body looks. He has told me the reason why he doesn't have sex with me is because I am fat, and that every man who is with a woman only loves her when she's thin, if she's fat - he just hides his disgust. Since my son was born 19 months ago, I have went into a depression, I have never been this down about feeling uncomfortable in my skin, and each time I grow confident and plan on focusing, he says something degrading about me. Most recently it was: "You will get an engagement ring on your finger when you lose weight".

 

In addition to this, here are some of the daily abuses I live with:

 

*I am anal retentive by nature, I like to clean and I am incredibly organized. But, I don't push this on my roomates (or live-in partners). Since moving in with him, I have noticed that he is slightly OCD, but inconsistent with it. He will literally go behind me, in whatever I'm doing, and "pick up" after me. In most cases, I'm not even done. Sometimes I'm in the middle of applying make-up or doing my hair. If he picks up after me, while I have no intention of leaving anything for him, he will then degrade me later about how he does "everything" and I'm a slob. I don't really get a chance to do anything, I literally may just take off my clothes in the bathroom, go to get my new clothes from the bedroom, come back and my dirty clothes have gone....

 

*He is an underachieve by nature, he doesn't put full efforts behind anything he does. Back in my days of working in a kitchen, we would say these type of people "half-assed" what they did. It doesn't bother me, if he's not driven fine. However, the problem is that his passion is writing music. He is 46 years-old and still hasn't accomplished this goal. In fact, he never really worked hard to try and accomplish it. Yet, since I've been dating him, both myself and my son apparently take him away from his music and we are the reason for his failed dreams. I don't get it. He had 25 years before me to try and accomplish them?

 

*He is stubborn and will not take responsibility for his actions, or how his actions impact others. I can handle stubborn, and I can handle people who do not agree with me. But, what I can't stand about him is that he disagrees with me, primarily in the context of raising our son, but he has no experience. He has not consistently been around children in his adult life, while growing up his mother actually kept both him and his brother AWAY from family. He doesn't have a concept of family. He doesn't learn how to raise a child. For example, when my son was 4-months old I got a call at work from the police. My significant other had left our 4-month old son home, alone in the crib, to go to the Home Depot. He got pulled over for speeding on the way and told the police he was trying to "make it quick". Child Protective Services were called. He still did not understand what was wrong with that.....he still doesn't. The police officer was dumbfounded by it! After that occurrence, he left my son home alone two more times - once to go to the bar and drink late at night. Again, he found no problem with this behavior - our son was sleeping and safe in his crib, what is the big deal?

 

*He is a hypocrite and talks down to me. I'm not allowed to talk to him about any of my concerns if it "impedes" on whatever he is doing, it doesn't matter how I approach it. If it id doesn't fit into his timetable of when he wants to discuss something then I am being inappropriate.

 

*He has double standards. Basically speaking, if he talks down to me - it is ok, and if I am hurt the tone he uses with me, he tells me it is my problem and then yells at me further for not being able to "know" he wasn't trying to be mean or "know" the differences between his tone of voice. If I am having a bad day, and inadvertently snap with a bad tone of voice, again....I am a horrible person, even if I apologize. Therefore, what really happens is this: if anyone does something to him he doesn't like, then he has a problem with it. However, he can do whatever he wants, to everyone, and doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions.

 

*When we first started dating, I explained to him that I have a job that requires me to work long hours, for several months out of the year. It was fine with him, he didn't have any issue with it for the first 3 years of our relationship. He would kindly take over the fatherly duties and care for our child while I was working, he was supportive and didn't have a problem. About 8 months ago, I started working from home. Just after that, he was laid off, he has not found a joband we can't afford day care with him being out of work, so he watches our son. I have the same hours that I've always had, but now he can "SEE" me working in our home. All of a sudden, I am a bad person for working so much, he does everything, I do nothing, my job is in the way, blah blah blah. I know that it's hard to care for a child, but he had a choice after being unemployed - he chose NOT to look for a job so he could stay home with our son. I don't understand? I am working actually less than I have in prior years, but I am put down by him all the time for doing my job. The first three months of me working at home he was consistently yelling at me for not helping with the baby. When I decided to transfer my work location and work from home, the decision was made BEFORE he was laid off and decided to stay home - and now I'm stuck here.

 

There are so many more things. The bottom line, I feel like he will forever be the bachelor that doesn't want to be tied down. He expects me to be perfect, and our relationship to be perfect, and I'm not - and relationships have their ups and downs. But, that is not acceptible for him. He has no concept of raising children, even down to the very simplistic things like not leaving them home alone to go to the bar.

 

Am I crazy for thinking he has issues?

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Don't worry about whether or not he has "issues"....the question is do YOU want to be with him?? It seems like you know what life is going to be like with him. Decide if you're happy, if you think it will get better, if you want to continue in this, knowing what you know about him and how he treats you.

Only you can decide if his issues are deal-breakers.

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God, thats a really tough situation. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all of this!

 

I am only 21 years old, and you obviously have a lot more life experience that I do, BUT I will say that the way he is acting is somewhat similar to how my ex treated me.

 

From what you described to me he sounds a bit manipulative and childish. He NEEDS to accept responsibility for the fact that he has fathered a child now, like it or not. It sounds like he was trying to avoid the situation by not being around and shirk his duties as a parent.

 

Also, several of the things that he said to you sounded (to me) to be borderline emotional abuse. My last boyfriend was similar to him in some respects. From what I also understand depression is a major symptom of emotional abuse.

 

Here are other questions to ask yourself:

 

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

 

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

 

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

 

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

 

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

 

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

 

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

 

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

 

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

 

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

 

Are you afraid of your partner?

 

Source: link removed

 

If this behavior continues do you really want to stay with this man? I believe you deserve better. Everyone on this forum told me the exact same thing when I described in detail the things that my ex would do.

 

I hope that my response was helpful to you.

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I'm not entirely sure and I've thought about it long and hard. I've loved him deeply for a long time, but I'm not entirely sure I can manage a life with him. I suppose my ultimate wish is that he would change, he sometimes is filled with so much pride and doesn't want to be "wrong".....this is what seems to prevent us from living in an amicable world and now we are just fighting.

 

I guess I need some perspective, it's not as easy as saying "Do I want to be with him?" ... I'm smart enough to ask that question. My issue is, why is this happening? Why am I seeing this side of him?

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This is all very helpful, to answer some questions:

 

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Yes, I do. Each time I try and approach him, he tells me that I am putting him down, calling him a bad person/bad father, whatever. I am in business, I have to approach people on a regular basis and provide them with both positive feedback and constructive criticism. I know how to approach it, but to him - I am just on his case, no matter which way I communicate my feelings. In fact, the other night my child had a fall flat on his skull, when I tried to discuss my "concerns" with my boyfriend, it turned into a fight. He said I was worrying too much, and instead of being supportive of my concerns he disagreed with me and said he wanted to just relax.

 

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

If we are in a fight, or a disagreement, or something isn't going his way...YES. He will put me down, tell me I'm fat/overweight, relate the fact that we're not engaged to my size, he will call me a slob - say I contribute absolutely zero to the household (His quote: "What is it that you actually do around here?") and tell me I just sitt on my butt all day in front of my computer (reminder: I work from home, my job is to sit down all day and work on my computer)

 

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Yes. For example, if I ask him to stop speaking to me in a bad tone of voice, he put's me down and tells me that he doesn't have a tone, and I just need to "deal with it"

 

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

No.

 

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

No.

 

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Somewhat. We are not married, and I have had to help bail him out of his financial irresponsibility. In fact, the debt accumulated from the home improvements is on me right now, and it's his home. It is my choice, I made the decision to remodel the house so we could sell - but I thought we would be together.

 

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

We were very close for a very long time. There's no swinging back and forth per se, but there is significant emotional distance

 

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

He always wents to have sex with me when I feel gross, when I haven't showered, I feel like I am smelly, I haven't brushed my teeth. If I say to him that I feel uncomfortable, he will put me down or sigh and think I did it all on purpose to avoid sex. Then again, we've had sex probably less than 10 times in 19 months - I'm too fat for him right now.

 

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Not exactly trapped, but I feel like I am losing my mind. He always makes everything my fault, everything. I feel like I am locked in a box screaming for someone to step in and show him how unreasonable he is.

 

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

No.

 

Are you afraid of your partner?

Not afraid, but I am afraid I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I have never been this depressed in my life. I was in a verbally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for 9 years. I pulled myself away from that, became a strong woman, and somehow - I am depressed. In all the years of that abusive relationship, I never felt 'depressed' I was simply planning my escape to a brighter world

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Hun, to me these are huge 'red flags' that you might want to think long and hard about. You might also considering posting something about this in the emotional abuse section of ENA. Everyone was really helpful with my situation, and they can probably give you an unbiased perspective on yours.

 

I really do hope that everything works out for you, I know its tough. XXX

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"You will get an engagement ring on your finger when you lose weight".

 

Oh hell no. Don't stand for that. He seems to focus on appearance waaay too much. If my boyfriend ever called me fat and threatened to not marry me until I lost weight, I'd tell him to f*ck off and leave. You don't deserve that. From the sounds of it, he's got nothing going for him and he's just bringing you down. You have a lot of things going for you, he's probably jealous and insecure about that. But calling you fat? That's uncalled for by someone who is supposed to love you. I can understand a sibling, but your SO? No way in hell. He's a immature douche bag, no question about it. It's only going to get worse..

 

I sure hope you are defending yourself and not letting him have his way. You don't need to lose weight for anybody, but yourself.

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melanie6929,

 

I have to agree with you 100% on that. Looks are NOT everything. Sometimes people are SO insecure that they will put you down when you look absolutely fine! Listen to melanie. Things WILL only get worse.

 

Unconditional love means total acceptance of someone, no matter what!

 

My ex started telling me I was ugly towards the end. God, that really took a blow to my self-esteem. Then I had to remember that I've had small modelling jobs, and that he really just wanted to make me feel bad! Believe me when I say that this guy has a huge problem. He sounds very insecure and he is trying to bring you down with him!

 

And I'm willing to bet you look just fine the way you are! He wants you to THINK you look bad and erode your sense of self-worth in the process!

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Can I just say, YOU LOST FIFTY POUNDS!!!!! Not 'just' fifty pounds.

 

FIFTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just didn't want to lose sight of that... cos it is a HUGE achievement! Well done...

 

And yes, what everyone else has said.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I suppose it's hard for me. In the beginning I really thought he was the one and felt so connected to him, but the moment I got 'fat' while pregnant, and changed, that is when everything went downhill. He was unsupportive.

 

I would agree that YES he does focus on looks way too much, he is the most shallow person I have ever met. And yes, you are right, unconditional love means just that - you love someone no matter what. I have even mentioned that to him and his reply was:

 

"Secretly, every man wishes his significant other was skinny, most people just don't say it. I suppose I'm just too honest".

 

I don't know, I'm lost. I have a child with him...but I'm caught...and I'm stronger and better than this. I feel simply crazy at times.

 

I honestly believe he would be happier with a skinny, big-breasted blonde with zero IQ because he could live a life of simple happiness with no "real-life" attributions. Perhaps I'm just too much for him.

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He's made his desires very clear to you. I would suggest withdrawing from this relationship. You don't have to completely break up right now because you do have a child and it would be hard for you, but distance yourself until you are strong enough and secure enough to leave. You deserve someone who loves you. Period.

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Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

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