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How can I trust her?


Big Ship
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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My girlfriend and I broke up almost 11 weeks ago after something happened that I think she has something to do with but she insists that she hasn't. The main problem is that this isn't the first thing that has happened and I'm not sure I can get over this but I really want to.

 

I'll go through the relationship from meeting till now so that you can get the picture and so you know that bad things don't always happen. This might take a while to read so I will take the time to say thank you for reading this.

 

We met in her home town in 2004 at an exhibition about music that ran over the course of a weekend. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other over the weekend and I have to admit that there was instant chemistry from the moment I saw her. She ticked all of my boxes for a partner but we were both in relationships so there was nothing i could do about it. We stayed in touch for a while until we met up again at another event and I found out that she had broken up with her boyfriend a few months after she had met me. She said that she couldn't stay with him because she could do nothing but think about me and that it was unfair for her to stay with her boyfriend and lead him on. I was still with my girlfriend but I couldn't stop thinking about Ashley either. We ended up in bed and t was the best night I've ever had with a woman. But, I felt like * * * * for betraying my girlfriend. I cut all contact with Ashley and tried to make my relationship work but then I found out that my girlfriend had actively been looking for another relationship for almost 2 years while she was living with me.

 

After the break up I was devestated and then one day, out of the blue I got an email from Ashley. We started talking again and she really helped me pull through it. A few months later I went on a few dates with a woman and she started to show signs that she wanted to take in further, but I couldn't. I was still thinking about Ashley and it surprised me when I realised that I had been comparing this new woman to her and this woman just didn't match up. Eventually I asked Ashley if she would like to come and visit me for a weekend and she was able to read me instantly. She knew instinctively why I wanted her to come and visit and she said she would but that we needed to talk face to face so that she would know my full intentions.

 

It was this weekend that we started our relationship and I felt like I was 15 again. With her being so much younger than me I began to see through her that life was for living and that I should enjoy the experience of lifeas much as possible. She helped me to see the best in every situation in life and she always does, even now. After being with her for two months I proposed and a few weeks later she moved in with me. We were so excited about our future together and things were great. I'm talking about quite possibly the most perfect relationship ever, yes we had our arguments, but we talked about things so much that they never became a big problem. Then about a month later Ashley was sent an email that I had sent to friend of mine from an email address that none of us knew. In the email I had told my friend that I had had sex with my ex while I was with Ashley and I was asking his advice about what to do. He told me not to tell Ashley and that my ex wasn't worth the time or thought. Ashley emailed me at my place of work to tell me about the email and she sent it to me. I was devestated because I knew how it must have looked to her. I actually didn't have sex with my ex and I sent that email in an attempt to see what my friend would say. Ashley was so ditraught about the whole thing that she actually packed her bags and would put the phone down everytime I called her to explain. She was still there when I got home and I told her everything. I opened up my deepest emotions to her and told her that I was sorry and that I shouldn't have sent the email to start with and she was so cold with me. She made me sit down while she went through each line of the emails and she told me how certain things that were in them made her feel and then she said "How do you expect me to believe that you're not lying to me when you're telling me that you lied to your best friend about something like this?" So I told her something that I had been keeping to myself for over two months. My ex had been emailing me after she found out that I had started a relationship with Ashley, she was begging me to take her back and I was really confused about everything. I met up with my ex one day to let her talk and I found that I didn't have feelings for her anymore and told her to leave me alone. Ater I met up with her I emailed my friend to find out what he would have thought if I would have taken things further with my ex that day. I tired to tell Ashley and reassure her that I loved her and that my life was with her now but she said she needed time to think because she wasn't sure that she believed me. She went out to see a friend and came back a few hours later and tod me that she was willing to stay and work through the trust issues that she had but that I needed to understand that it would take time. I was so relieved that she wasn't leaving, in the few hours that she was out of the house I had convinced myself that I had lost her.

 

A few months later my life ouside of the relationship got very hectic and the intimacy that was in our relationship began to suffer. I stopped listening to her and she became really argumentative. We would fight almost daily until one day she told me that she was going to stay with friends for a while so that we could have some space and try to rebuild our communication levels. We did this and two weeks later she came home. I thought things were fine with us but obviously they weren't. One night while I was away with work she phoned me and told me that she was seeing someone else and that she couldn't be withme anymore because she didn't like that I treated her like a servant and was still speaking to her like * * * * after I had promised that I wouldn't and that she was tired of me telling her how she felt about things before she had had a chance to tell me. There was a load of other stuff and we talked about this in emails for a few weeks afterwards and she was so angry with me. It turns out that she hadn't cheated, she had only told me that she had because she was so angry at me for neglecting her feelings and because I didn't listen to her when she tried to tell me that it made her feel like I was cheating on her with the amount of porn that I would watch. She had told me about this on several occassions and I couldn't understand how she could see it as cheating and how she felt inadequate and still can't to this day. She said that she only told me that she had cheated on me so that I could feel the betrayal she was feeling because there was no other way I could be made to understand. She did apologise to lying to me about this but I understood her reasons and we got back together and things were great again for over a year.

 

She went down to see her family at the beginning of the year (they live 400 miles from us) and although things had been a bit rocky in the days before she went, I noticed that she had done a lot for me in the way of small things like ironing shirts, actually cooking meals and putting then in individual pots in the fridge for me so that I wouldn't have to bother with these small things while she was away. I was really touched by this because it showed me that she didn't want me to have to worry about these small things so that I could do the things I wanted to do and have more time to do them. I hadn't been putting much effort into things in more recent weeks and it was these small things that made me realise that I should have been and that I wanted to.

 

While she was away she ended up in the situation where she witnessed her cousin hit his girlfriend and in her attempt to make sure that the girlfriend and her kids were safe and her cousin out of their house, she got hit too. She didn't tell me about it until it was over and she was safe and calm enough to talk to me about it. When she did tell me I automatically assumed that she had met someone and he had got rough with her and that the 'story' about her cousin was just a cover up. Eventually I allowed her to come home and she recieved some documents from the police. She became increasingly distraught because she hadn't wanted the police to press charges for her injury (she only had a small bruise on her lip) because it was an accident in her eyes. She was very upset one day and she showed me a piece of paper that had been delivered to her by the police in person. The problem I had was that I thought she had somehow engineered these documents and I still thought she was lying about what had happened.

 

She eventually had to go back to her hometown to go to the tiral and she came back the same day. That same week I recieved some emails where a 'woman' was asking me to sleep with her. I had spoken to this woman during the period Ashley and I were apart and she was offering me advice about how to see that Ashley was worth my time and that maybe there was more going on with her than I realised. The emails I got in the week after the trial were very strange. The 'woman' was assuming that I would go back to her place for sex although I had never said that I would. I will admit that I did tell her that I wasn't in a relationship but I thought it was Ashley sending the emails and it was an attempt at getting her to react to it because whenever she has found something out in the past she has always confronted me instantly so that she could find out the truth from me. I was expecting her to react straight away but nothing happened. Then I got an email from the 'woman' saying that she had found out that I was still with Ashley and she threatened to tell her as soon as she found out her email address. I gave her Ashley's email address and told her to tell her, I had nothing to hide.

 

I was away that weekend and I wasn't going home before going away so I couldn't ask Ashley about it straight away. I didn't want to do it on the phone or in an email because this was too important. I did phone her over the weekend and she seemed happy enough and she was really excited about a few things, she'd had a job interview the afternoon I got the email from the 'woman' about her knowing I wasn't single and it had gone really well and she couldn't stop telling me about it. The thing is is that I couldn't stop thinking that Ashley had something to do with those emails and by the time I got back home I was convinced that she had something to do with them. When I asked her about them I was very angry towards her and she seemed genuinely confused about what I was accusing her of but I didn't believe her. She told me that she had no idea about the emails and she asked to see them. I told her she couldn't and so I tiold her what they said. She seemed pretty upset about it and again asked to see them. Eventually I allowed her to see them but I was so sure that she knew about them that I only showed her certain ones. She became angry with me and said that she wanted to see all of the emails so that she could get the full understanding about what had been said but I was so sure that she already knew that I closed my email account and told her to remember what she had written in them.

 

I threw her out of the house and she went to stay with her family. She's still there now but I'm so unsure about everything and I just don't know if I can trust her. I want to trust her but I just don't know how I can. I want her to come home because I miss her but it's this trust thing that is stopping me.

 

After a week of her being away we have found out that it was her cousin behind the emails and that he was the one that sent them. She talked to him a lot after what happened with him and his girlfriend and she talked to him about what was going on with us during the time we were apart at the beginning of the year. They had issues between them over the court case and she told me that she didn't talk to him when they were at court and that he was upset with her for not talking to him but she had been told by the police not to talk to him before the trial.

 

I am in two inds about this whole thing. On one side I think she has something to do with the emails in a way that is more than she is letting on but on the other side I think it really was her cousin out for revenge even though she stopped him from going to prison.

 

If you were me, what woud you do, what would you think and how can I trust her and believe her. She keeps asking me what she can do to so that I can see that I can trust her and believe her about the emails and I wish I could give her an answer. If anyone has any ideas than please tell me.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read this post.

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Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through so much and to be honest it sounds like you're dealing with way more than a person in a normal relationship should. It seems you truly bring out the worse in each other, lies, manipulation, games, cheating, disrespect and a bunch of other very bad things. You clearly attracted one another into a toxic relationship so not only I would end things but I would also try to find out how or why you got to this point.

 

I think it's all beyond whether you trust her about the mails or not, once you started telling things that weren't true to get a reaction it's when I believe all hope was gone.

 

Perhaps you both have just tried to save something that wasn't meant to work, perhaps you have some things you love of each other but the all the red flags say not everything can get sorted, if you part ways amicably you can at least keep a good memory of the nice things you shared.

 

And I have to say that I wouldn't consider what she did of cooking plenty of food for you as a small thing, and maybe this is an example of how some things are just not being meant to be, if you have such different points of view about things it's difficult to imagine that a good relationship can happen. That she went through all the trouble shows she didn't consider it something small, I'm not saying that a lack of appreciation is necessarily wrong, specially if the other person shares your opinion, but the distance here sounds too great to find some middle ground.

 

Tell her that you believe her but that you don't think you should get back together again, don't treat her as a friend but do treat her with respect, part ways and ask your friends for support because it's not going to be easy.

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I have already asked y friends for support and a lot of them have disowned me for treating her the way I did. They all have seen the emails and have said that even they can seethat it isn't her and they all believe that she is telling the truth. After her telling me she cheated she prmised that she would never keep anything form me ot lie to me again.

 

We have more good things in the relationship than bad but this trust thing is hard to get over. She finds it hard to cope with me not trusting her which is why she gets angry when I accuse her of things when she hasn't done them. I just don't want her to have to prove things to me all the time and she feels that she has to. I want to trust her because she trusts me. How can I trust her? I want to be able to trust her more than anything. How can i do it?

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Well, just keep the friends that can understand you are human and allowed to make mistakes.

 

And personally I don't think the trust issue can be repaired, no matter how much you hate it you have been doubting of each other from very early on, a month after the relationship began from what I gathered (the mail to your friend), sometimes it's you and other times it's her but there was a constant struggle with trust that even went as far as doing things to prevent it from finally building up.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear but at this point it won't hurt you to step away from the situation and consider that maybe going back together is not necessarily going to make things better for both of you or the most positive option.

Just give it a thought, become a third person and try to be as objective as possible.

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