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Boyfriend is jealous of my career/success...


alice7

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This probably isn’t a big deal, but it feels like one right now. My boyfriend and I (we’ve been dating for 16 months) are both in the same career path. I got this fantastic internship a month ago and have been very successful while my boyfriend seems to be stuck in a rut. He doesn’t have many prospects. While he’s been generally supportive of me (he says he’s proud of me, “brags” about me to his friends/family), he’s also told me twice that he’s jealous. And he has at times made side remarks implying that I don’t deserve the internship, that I only got it because I’m a minority.

 

These comments are said with a laugh and meant as a joke, but they hurt sometimes. And it’s my fault too, I like to joke that I only got it cause I’m a minority too….maybe that’s why he thinks it’s okay to say it. Anyway, because of all this, I’m sometimes hesitant to talk about my job. It’s the best job in the world and I’m having so much fun but I feel reluctant to share that excitement with him for fear of increasing his jealousy.

 

I’ve also noticed that we get into little arguments more – not about our relationship, but about stuff like social issues or politics. These arguments often lead to him making personal attacks at me like “You’re not being smart,” or “You don’t know anything about business” and it hurts. I told him about how he was being insulting last night and he got annoyed and walked away, saying he didn’t think he was. Granted, he did apologize for being angry in the morning.

 

I know these two things don’t really have much to do with one another, but I’ve never had any major problems in my relationship with him and I feel like these two things are the most major problems. Am I being too sensitive? How can I deal with all this?

 

Thanks.

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Does he regularly put you down and discount your feelings and opinions? That is a big red flag.

 

Honestly, it's understandable he would be a little jealous, but he should still be happy for you and not make you feel bad about this in any way. You shouldn't have to keep excitement and happiness to yourself because he's stuck in a rut.

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You're not being sensitive at all & is a big deal. Too much ego on his part. No relationship should ever accuse one another in such matter. If he has the need to attack you in a way he did, then he has insecurity issues.

 

Politics and religion my g/f and I personally stay out of...especially religion. If two people cannot listen & understand one's belief, it should not be discussed.

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Hi, welcome to the forum, from one newbie to another.

 

I think your 2 issues are definitely linked. In both cases, it seems like your bf is trying to compensate for his relative lack of success by finding ways to put you down. For example, when he tries to demean your opinions on politics and social issues through assassination of your character, instead of just arguing the facts, it's probably his perceived inadequacies getting the best of him. He needs to win those little battles for the sake of his manhood because you've essentially emasculated him with your successes.

 

I think most guys (including myself, in all honesty) would find it very difficult to deal with a situation where we're not at least an equal breadwinner in the relationship. Not saying you're at fault in any way though because at the end of the day, it's our responsibility to deal with it (hopefully in a motivating, constructive fashion) and not take it out on our SO.

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Thanks, iLiveWithMyMom. That makes sense. My only question is: What should I do? I mean, I'm going to continue to stick up for myself, but should I bring up the larger issue of his insecurity/jealousy to try and help him through this rut? Or would that put him on the spot?

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Tough call. He's probably not aware of what he's doing, and he's obviously definitely not aware that he's hurting you, so talking to him seems reasonable. If he's overly prideful though, he'll just grow to resent you even more. My best friend and ex-roommate falls into this category, and he has a really bad habit of seeming to take things in stride initially but will twist and deform conversations into the worst possible contexts later on.

 

Do you bring your work home with you? Maybe you could pretend to have problems and ask him for help (and just pretend to go along with whatever he says). Heck, maybe you could even just make up work to bring home. I know subterfuge isn't always the best option, but it seems like your man just needs a nice boost to his self-confidence and ego.

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