Help PLEASE! Boyfriend issue...

[radiance423]

Subject: Please help me... Boyfriend issue. Posted: June 26, 2009 @ 6:39 AM

First of all...I need all the advice I can get.

I've been searching the web and found a link to this forum...

And you all seem nice and informative.

 

Okay...here's the deal:

 

Been with my boyfriend for 8 months.

 

The first 3 months of our relationship...he was going thru a divorce.

I told him my issue with that. I didnt think it was right. So we kind of put everything on hold until that was final.

 

Well, he was getting divorced bc he cheated on his wife.

But I fell in love with him, he claims hes a different person and my gosh...i see SO much good in him.

 

He's actully been married twice. I'm not sure still what happened with the first marriage. He's led me to believe she cheated on him tho.

 

Anyway...

These 8 months have been pretty great.

He's been open and honest with me since he knows thats important to me.

He even gave me a key to his house.

He says I can go over anytime.

And when hes at work, i go over and let his dog out, etc.

 

he talks about marriage and just makes me feel so amazing.

 

his ex-wife just cslled him a while back. he told me about it. said she was crying and said she wasnt happy, etc.

 

i used to get mad...but now, i realize that if i want him to keep telling me things, i cant get mad or he'll just hide stuff.

 

well....

 

yesterday, i was at his house while he was at work.

i opened up his laptop so i could check my email while i was there.

well, his email was still logged in.

and something caught my eye right away.

 

i saw an email from a girls name...and the subject was..."pics for you".

 

well, yeah...maybe i shoudlnt have, but i clicked on it.

 

it was some girl he used to know from australia.

he's briefly told me about her bc i have asked him to tell me all about his past...

 

well, she wrote him a very sexy email and then, attached about 5 pics of her in sexy lingere.

showing her boobs, etc....

 

well, below that, i see that he emailed her back.

telling her how sexy she still looks, and how curvy she is.

he wrote her a long email just telling her how he's doing...yet didnt mention he was in a relationship.

 

then...at the end, he asks her if she has anymore pics.

and i didnt see any that he attached....but after that...theres another email from her. she thanked him for sending the pictures of himself and says how good he looks and how the pics made her say "fu** me!!".

 

again, i didnt see any pics he sent so maybe he did it over his phone...

 

then, she says, i'll take some more just for you.

 

well, i went back to his house....to see if she emailed him back.

but, his email wasnt up anymore.

 

ya'll....i dont know what to do.

is this behavior okay??

 

i told him we have to talk tonight.

he knows something is up but has no idea what.

 

please...i need advice.

 

thank you.

[free2Bme]

No this is NOT ok. You already know he is a cheater.

 

He's emailing back and forth sexy pics with another girl - imo that is a form of cheating.

 

I'd confront him, and end it. This guy really doesn't sound like he can be faithful!

[free2Bme]

And he talks about marriage? After a few months? When he's been married twice already?? very odd.

[radiance423]

but its hard! i love him more than ive loved anyone before...

 

also...he told me the other day that he feels like he needs to call or email his ex-wife so that they can both have closure...

 

i dont think that's so bad...bc i want him to have closure so we can move on and maybe she'll stop calling him...

 

but about this whole picture thing...

i have no idea.

 

i love him so much and i wont be happy if we break up. but im not happy now either. it SUCKS not being able to trust someone you love.

[free2Bme]

Yeah, but if you break up, sure you'll be unhappy for a bit, but then you can find someone who is faithful and doesn't just say the things he thinks you want to hear.

 

If he's messing around with other women now, what do you think he'll be doing a couple of years down the line? You got it, the same thing.

 

I'm not normally one to say 'just dump him' but you caught him red handed, there's not excusable explaination, and you'll not be able to trust him now, and a relationship is built on trust.

[canBshy]

I'm with free2Bme. Honestly, he shouldn't be doing such things. And I personally think, once a cheater, always a cheater. But some guys can change that. I just don't think this guy can. Not now at least.

 

I mean, you said he cheated on his last wife. Then was with you before the divorce was final. And now this. He can't be doing that and hiding it. . . I am one that thinks looking at porn is okay, but sending pics and messages like that back and forth is cheating.

 

Hope to be of some help. . . Good luck! I hope you talk to him!

[canBshy]

Yeah, but if you break up, sure you'll be unhappy for a bit, but then you can find someone who is faithful and doesn't just say the things he thinks you want to hear.

 

If he's messing around with other women now, what do you think he'll be doing a couple of years down the line? You got it, the same thing.

 

I'm not normally one to say 'just dump him' but you caught him red handed, there's not excusable explaination, and you'll not be able to trust him now, and a relationship is built on trust.

Well put!!!!!

[radiance423]

but he will say that he's just talking with an old friend, etc...

he'll make me think that its okay...

 

something else...

 

a couple of months ago we got in a huge fight.

he had just left my house. and not more than 2 minutes after he left...i got a text message.

it was from him and it said, "are you still at the party or..."

 

i texted him back asking what that was about.

 

he turned around and came back and we talked.

 

he was upfront with me and told me that that text was supposed to go to the woman who he cheated on his ex wife with.

 

i was FLAMING!

 

i asked him why.

 

he said that she had just contacted him the other day bc her and her new husband were having problems and she wanted him (my bf) back.

 

i told him that i wouldnt mind so much that she texted him...but its the fact that he texted her back.

asking her a question that sounded like he might be meeting up with her.

 

he said he was just making sure she was still at the party bc he was afraid she would be at his house when he got home.

 

then...he told me later that she had contacted him a 2 weeks before that.

so i caught him in a lie bc initially he told me that she only contacted him the day before.

 

i dont know what to believe.

 

i want this to work out so bad.

 

i love him but i dont want to be one of those stupid women who just keep being unhappy and letting things happen.

[free2Bme]

there we go, another red flag.

 

Come on! I'm really sorry that this isn't working out for you, but it's only been 8 months and he's tried hooking up with the girl he cheated with, sent sexy pics to another girl, and who knows what else that you haven't found out about?

 

If he 'makes you believe' that's it's just him catching up with an old friend, then I'm sorry but you're a fool.

 

I really don't mean any offence to you, it's ojnly 8 months, not a lot of time invested, I wonder if you're clinging on for fear of being alone or something?

 

How old are you btw?

[radiance423]

i'm 27.

 

he's perfect in every other way.

 

i understand what you're saying tho. and i thank you for the advice.

 

it's just...when girls from his past contact him...

i always tell him, i dont care...bc its not his fault.

 

but i tell him not to respond to them.

 

but he still does!! he'll ask them how they're doing etc.

 

with the thing about him wanting to hook up with the lady he cheated on w his ex wife....he swears to me that he would NEVER see her again.

he says he hates her.

 

but that he feels bad for what he did bc he feels responsible for her marriage being ruined too.

 

he says he just cares too much for other people and doesnt want to be rude.

[savignon]

i love him but i dont want to be one of those stupid women who just keep being unhappy and letting things happen.

Then stop believing that he's "Just checking in on" his mistress, "just getting closure" with his ex and "just keeping in touch (with naked pics) with his Australia friend'.

Enough is enough.

Get a hold of yourself. He has a cheating pattern where all the women he's cheated on (and now you) still want to be with him no matter what he does. He has not "learned from his mistakes"....he has learned how to make the right excuses for his behavior so that he can keep in touch with all of these women and they keep coming back for more.

Get a hold of yourself and get out of this relationship.

[alli]

You say you see so much good in him, yet you caught him sending naked pictures back and forth with some other woman with both of them making dirty comments. The guy that you know... that he presented to you... does not exist. He is not the good guy that he led you to believe. Sure, he was "honest" about his past history of cheating. But he was NOT honest about cheating on you. Don't let him explain it all away; you know the truth. There is absolutely no way he is innocent. He may not have solicited the pics from that girl in Australia, but he sure encouraged her to send more, sent her his own, and made dirty comments to her. Those are not the actions of an honest person.

 

I think you should dump him. You don't really know him like you think you do. He completely mislead you. You know the truth now. Don't let him weasel his way out of this one. If he can lie to you about this, he could be lying about a lot of other things that you aren't even aware of. You know what they say- for every lie that you catch, there's 10 more that you don't.

[radiance423]

he's always telling me how much he loves me and that his heart is in the right place...

 

he doesnt know that i know about the email/pictures yet.

 

we are going to talk tonight.

 

im just not sure what to say or how to go about it.

 

i kind of want to feel him out instead of bring it up.

maybe ask him some questions and see if he'll tell me the truth.

 

if i find he's lying...then i'll tell him that i saw everything and that it's over.

 

bc with the last thing he did (texting the woman he cheated on his ex with) we almost broke up.

but we talked it out (hes very persuasive) and I told him that was the last straw and his last chance.

 

so its not like i havent warned him.

ive been more than fair.

 

i just want to make sure im not overreacting.

[savignon]

he's perfect in every other way

He's perfect other than the fact that he texts, emails and talks to all his exes, mistresses and cheated on his WIFE??

I'm sorry, but you're sounding like "one of those women"

Listen to what you're saying here and the kinds of excuses you're making for him. You are just like them, making it all okay, so that he can continue this behavior.

If he respected you and was NOT interested in them, he would not be in touch with them. Would you send naked pics of yourself to someone in the name of "not being rude?" AFTER this "true love" of yours asked you not to be in touch with said person??

No respect + no trust = no 'real' relationship

Ultimately, it sounds like you'll make whatever excuse necesary to stay in this.

[radiance423]

please keep the advice coming...

i need this.

 

i am feeling depressed and i dont want to get this way.

i wanted this to be the man i married.....

 

i want to work it out but how can i if i dont trust him?

should i give him one last chance?

[alli]

Well you better get an idea of what you are going to say or else he is going to direct this conversation to go exactly as he wants it to. If I were you, I wouldn't care whether he was "honest" about mailing naked pictures back and forth or not. Just the fact that he DID IT are reason enough to end this relationship. You need to grow a backbone girl or else he is just going to walk all over you.

 

And no, you should not give him one last chance. He had a chance to change his ways when they caused his divorce. If that isn't reason enough for him to change, it ain't gunna happen. Unless you just want to give him one more chance to figure out how to hide his cheating from you, because that is exactly what he will do with "one more chance". This was not a one-time thing. He has a pattern of cheating and he is showing no signs of stopping. You can't do anything to fix it; it's all about him.

[melanie6929]

His trust is pretty much broken, how are you going to deal with that? I wouldn't be able to help myself from snooping from here on out, if I found stuff like that on my boyfriends computer. You are going to constantly be thinking about this and it's not going to make you happy. Just think if that lady happened to live in the same town, I'm sure more would've happened then just emailing pictures..keep that in mind.

 

If he loved you as much as you love him, he wouldn't have been doing stuff like that. I'd say sending pictures back and forth crosses the line.

I'd end things.. for your own piece of mind.

[radiance423]

i agree with you all.

but you know this is easier said than done to just let go of someone you love.

[savignon]

so its not like i havent warned him.

ive been more than fair.

I am sure his 2 ex-wives have said the same.

I'm not trying to be "mean", I'm really, truly on your side.

Don't waste your time giving him second and third chances 8 months into a relationship with a known playboy.

You'll be in for a world of hurt.

When you're with someone less than a year and they're already making and breaking promises, cheating, acting suspicous, lying, misleading and persuading.....don't delude yourself into thinking "this time" he'll stop talking to these girls.

I'm sure he'll have a very good excuse for the naked pictures if you decide to call him out on it.

YOU get to decide if it's a "good enough" reason to betray your trust and your relationship.

I'm on your side when I urge you to get out of this.

[radiance423]

i feel so freakin hopeless. i cant talk to anyone i know about this. i want to tell my mom but she'll never forgive him. i already told her about the other thing. i told my dad about the other thing and he doesnt like him/trust him anymore.

 

the one friend i told...she kind of brushed it off and said, as long as that woman lives that far away, he cant really do anything.

 

is it wrong for me to feel like sending those pics back and forth is a form of cheating??

[radiance423]

i just got this email from him:

 

Stephanie, do you know how important you are to me and how I am affected by you?

When you are feeling bad and unsettled.......I feel it too.....I feel it for you and the feeling weighs on me and distracts me from anything else. I know our schedules sometimes suck, but that is why I tried to take as many nights off as I could for the rest of the year. (Like next week off. )

But these days between seeing each other seem so long if we have tension between us. I want to thank you for your patience in advance.

Please don't worry, I have been true to you. I might not always know what it means to be perfect in your expectations in every situation, but I know that my heart is with you. More than ever before when I talk to someone I imagine how you would feel if you were with me or heard what I said. I don't do it all the time, but I do think of you in my response to someone calling or texting me, or emailing me. I do it more often as we continue together. Thats a new thing for me and I am glad Im learning it .

[radiance423]

if he doesnt come forth tonight...im trying to think of a way to let him know that i know.

 

should i say, "is your heart with me when you're emailing her?"

or, "didnt you learn from last time not to leave your email up??"

(btw, thats how is wife caught him cheating...thru an email)

 

or...

"how am i supposed to compete with this woman who is sending you these pictures?"

[free2Bme]

Those are just WORDS.

 

Anyone can say them, they need to be backed up with ACTIONS!

 

Seriously, do you not question the fact that he's divorced twice and already talking about getting married to someone he's been with for 8 months, I think he says it cos it's what you want to hear, just like the email, telling you what you want to hear.

 

There have been too many red flags in a short space of time.

[free2Bme]

His heart may be with you.....but that thing in his trousers want's to roam free!

[radiance423]

do you think he could have a sex addiction issue?

what are the signs of that??