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Can't stop cutting


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I can't stop cutting myself and I don't know what to do. It's getting out of control. This year my whole life has gone down the toilet and I can't turn it around. I have nobody to talk to about it and I just keep hurting myself and cutting myself, my whole body is butchered. I feel I'm never going to get out of this I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared I'm going to take it too far. Or maybe I already have.

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Well wow its hard for me to see someone not doing good and some people not be able to find anything to really say to try to help the situation. I guess your struggling with how hard it is to try to turn your life around when you havent always had what might have helped you make different decisions. It just requires you to really dig deep and sometimes not do much but just try to not let things get any worse. It also can be tough to understand how you need to accept the pain as part of your life. Im not sure what is bothering you but it seems like it is quite a few things.

 

I would try to see what exactly you are doing and if you are able to find or get help. Its just that isnt going to be enough because when its all said and done its going to be up to you. I have a long list of all the things ive struggled with and am slowly coming to terms with some of it. I had a very painful time just trying to find a way to live with things that i wasnt really able to deal with. Ive also had that feeling that maybe its gotten so bad that it can never be fully repaired. Its just ive had to learn that was what i thought and that doesnt necessarily mean its the truth or fact. Alot of issues usually or pretty much come from thoughts in your mind that are irrational. Ive been trying to learn to live with that eventho ive been thru so much that once i can really get to the core of my problem there is usually a solution for it. Thats basically going to be the test to see if you can really deal with everything so that one day you can find what is causing you all these problems and really find it inside of yourself to make them better. Ive never cut myself or harmed myself but ive had to deal with those thoughts and its really alot to try to work thru. I think another problem is the fear of what is going on with you and how bad it will be. Its hard to just accept things for what they have been and try to see how sometimes just the fear alone is making it so hard and not the actual thing you are thinking about. I think as long as you keep trying then at least you are doing the best you can. I cant say you will have a fairy tale ending but life is never that way so that might sound alot better then you think it does.

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Seriously - what is it with you young people and cutting yourselves? Is there a whole generation of invalids out there?

 

What in X name is the point? Pretty retarded if you ask me.

 

If you don't have any advice to give, please don't make it worse by saying something derogatory like that. I agree. I don't know what the point is and it is pretty 'retarded.' But it is something I can't control, like anorexia or something, it's just something that has taken over me because of all the pain I'm in.

 

Thank you mr me for your advice. And SpeedingCars, it's pretty much everything. I've just gotten home from a two week hospital visit. Because I was in hospital for too long I've had to drop out of my uni course. My study allowance got cut and I can't find a job. I've got no money at all and I'm in a huge debt. I can't afford food or rent, the friend that I'm living with is bound to kick me out sooner or later. I'm just so alone and scared and hurt and feel as though there is nothing I can do to turn my life around. I have no family or friends around me. I don't know what to do.

 

Cutting is like an addiction. It's the only feeling I can control.

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Sorry to be so blunt - I don`t mean to be derogatory but it just baffles me why people do that do themselves.

 

You are indeed having a very crappy run of luck. However, it`s never as bad as you think it is. You can always go back to university next year and in the meantime you can always find some way of getting food and paying the rent. Worst case scenario you go on social asistance for a bit and get food from a food bank. Not glamorous but you`ll live.

 

In the meantime, please try not to cut yourself, it really isn`t healthy and doesn`t do anything positive for you.

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My sister was a cutter and if I understand the phenomenon, it stops at a certain point (late 20s?) There's a book called "Bright Red Scream" that my whole family read to try and understand it better. If it's any consolation, the body does amazing things to heal itself and your scars will become less and less visible as time goes on. My sister is in her early 30s now and you can barely see them....even the ones that seemed pretty awful at the time.

In the meantime, you need to find ways to heal your soul and spirit, because those are the scars that will feel more obvious. Talk to your parents and see if they can help you pay for some therapy or get some help.

My heart goes out to you.

Best wishes.

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1. Age and the reasons behind cutting are statistically related, they are not bound. I'll be that exception, if you'd like; best to ID the roots.

 

2. lost! I'm a stranger, but, I would be happy to talk to you (PM?); I mean really, be happy to take some time to listen and to share.

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My sister was a cutter and if I understand the phenomenon, it stops at a certain point (late 20s?) There's a book called "Bright Red Scream" that my whole family read to try and understand it better. If it's any consolation, the body does amazing things to heal itself and your scars will become less and less visible as time goes on. My sister is in her early 30s now and you can barely see them....even the ones that seemed pretty awful at the time.

In the meantime, you need to find ways to heal your soul and spirit, because those are the scars that will feel more obvious. Talk to your parents and see if they can help you pay for some therapy or get some help.

My heart goes out to you.

Best wishes.

 

I just feel as though I can't wait until my late twenties for this problem to stop. That's years away. I'm not in contact with my parents. All of my older sisters live overseas. There's nothing I can really do. I don't know how, or if I can get help all by myself. Thanks for your wishes, it does mean a lot.

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I didn't mean at all for you to wait around till it stops and I'm not even sure that I'm right about the late 20s thing...it's just what I've read. I only meant to help you realize that this isn't "who you are forever" and there is hope. I'm sorry it didn't come out that way.

Do you have a job that has an Employee Assistance Program? That's a hotline kind of thing that's for free and offers guidance/direction to people who need it. They might be able to point you towards some free counciling or reduced cost resources.

Maybe also buy the book I mentioned and read up on what you're going through. It'll perhaps help you see that your'e not alone and that people get through this.

I'm sorry you feel so alone. I hope you can get in touch with some friends or family who can be supportive while you look for solutions.

My very best,

xoxo

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I don't have a job so no employee assistance for me. And I don't have any money so I can't buy the book. That's why I've been cutting, because I have no money and nowhere to live. I'm going to try to look on the positive side of things but I don't think I'm going to be able to stop.

 

Thanks for the support everyone.

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I fully understand your position. I myself used to be a cutter. Although, to begin with, I did it for the exact same reasons that you are doing it, however, after a while I enjoyed cutting. For me it was an outlet from my stress and worries. I may have had friends and family around me, and although they wanted to help, they found it difficult because I could not give them any explanation as to why I was doing it. I seeked medical assistance, from doctors and councilors, all in which turned me away or wanted to palm me off to someone else. This made things worse as it made me believe I was too hard a case for them. I had endless supplies of anti-depressants, but all useless. My cutting got worse, and I was thinking to myself this was how my life was going to be. But what I did to stop, after years of being a cutter, I just up and moved to a whole new location, a new state actually. I had nothing, no money, no friends, and as cruel as it sounds, I even isolated my family. It took close to 9 months, but in that short time (I say short because life is long) I found myself, and who I was and wanted to be. I am not saying that I don't get bouts of depression now, but when I do, I am able to deal with them. Everybody is different, and handles things in his/her own way. Today I am a much stronger person and can always look back and think to myself how far I have come to achieve what I have today. I am not advising you anything, most times when I was in your situation, it made it worse. I just want you to see that, coming from someone that was a cutter for nearly 5 years, that things do always get better. I always believed in myself, and had positive thoughts, and by learning to say NO was one of the biggest (although hardest) assets in my life. You will pull through this, it is like a drug, but only when you want too.

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Where are you staying now? (You must be somewhere to have access to the computer, so I'm just wondering where you are).

 

I'm staying at one of my friends' houses. She's being very understanding and is letting me live here rent free but I don't know how much longer she's going to appreciate me mooching off her.

 

I'm feeling better though, thank you everyone. I haven't cut in several days. I'm actively looking for jobs (without any luck) but am hoping to apply for unemployment benefits which includes a program to help you find a job.

 

I just wish I didn't feel the need to express my feelings by cutting my body.

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I'm going to tell you the truth. Cutting is tough * * * * to get out of. You're going to mark yourself up a lot and sometimes you think you can't stop it. Everything seems like it's going to be * * * * forever and ever and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Well it sucks. I'm not going to lie, most people really don't get cutting. they never will and there's nothing you can really do about it either. But I can tell you another truth. Somebody will come along who understands. Someone you will become really close to and they will be there whenever you need them. they'll even be there when you don't. it may take a while to find that person...but they're out there. and let me tell you one thing i've learned - you can't be looking for things you want. you have to let them come to you. it's sort of like when you forget something important and the harder you think about it the more impossible it is to remember. you can only remember it when you're not thinking about it. but i can promise you they will come. something or someone will come along and make your life better. things will look up. and you'll go back to cutting again and again, but hopefully with this person/thing, everything will be a little bit easier then it would be without them.

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Yeah it's there, just not something that gets, well...advertised, you know. I truly can't see cutting/SI as any different - in this sense - as much else in life: most people won't care, some will hate, some will be friendly, and, a few will sincerely care about you, SI or no SI. If you are lucky, you'll be able to keep meeting people in a positive light, and form some friendships.

 

"I just wish I didn't feel the need to express my feelings by cutting my body." I hear you and feel for you!

 

"I'm actively looking for jobs" - don't feel bad; pretty much anyone in the world who's out of luck is in trouble due to the state of our economies.

 

"staying at one of my friends' houses" - hate to even say this, but, (all things considered), make sure you keep showing that appreciation (cooking, cleaning, laundry, lawn)! You really need a friend, and, you REALLY need a place to stay, so, keep both until you're on your feet and away! ;-)

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