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I don't know what to do about this


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I've posted about this guy in earlier threads, if you view my previous posts you will know. It was a guy whom I was chatting with online last semester. I was unfortunately struggling with culture shock and loneliness from being abroad and hadn't gone through the physical and mental growth that I have gone through this semester. So I easily fell into his trap last fall because I connected with him, I had a fantasy of having a relationship with him. I gave him a little too much information about myself and my family. I thought he was a nice smart guy but in the end, he just wanted to talk about sex with me. Anyway, things ended in January after he offered to send me a book in return for a postcard I'd sent him, and I didn't want to give him my address. He didn't take it well and he started calling me names, etc, saying I was reserved and naive, etc because I wouldn't give him my address.

 

I stopped talking to him because of the names he'd called me and because I was sick of being disrespected and constantly told that I needed to change. I blocked him. I thought that would give him the message. That was 4 months ago. Then all of a sudden my mother emails me and says I received a package in the mail yesterday. Lo and behold, it was the book from him. Due to my carelessness he knew my first and last name, and so he got my address from one of those public address listing websites.

 

I feel terrible. I did pay $77 to do an online criminal background check on him back in January for peace of mind, and there were no criminal incidents. Still, this is a violation of my privacy and a disrespect of my wishes. i told him months ago that i would not give him my mailing address yet he still disrespected me and searched for it anyway. I don't want to put my family in danger. I don't think he is dangerous, he is who is says he is, but still, you never know. I don't trust him. Obviously he isn't trustworthy if he can't even respect someone's wishes.

 

What should I do? I hadn't told my mother about him but I had to tell her a little bit of the story today just so she knows why I got the book and is aware of the situation. But my mother doesn't know I sent him pictures of me, and I had told him some personal details about my family and about certain things I don't like about my family. He did the same to me. If this were ever to come to court, all of that information would come up. But I love my family and should never have told an internet stranger about things I don't like about them, I just wish I could go back in time and reverse this.

 

My mother says I should email him and tell him not to send me anything else and not to contact me. Then she said don't contact him if he emails me again.

 

I was about to do that...but then i realized something. If I email him about the package, wouldn't that confirm to him that he indeed got my address correct? If I just ignore it and don't contact him at all, would that be better because of the possibility he got the wrong address?

 

I have learned my lesson from this and will admit responsibility for being careless last semester. Hindsight is 20/20. I will NEVER engage in conversations or "friendships" with guys online ever again, unless it's through an actual relationship site like eHarmony where you have to pay and fill out a detailed profile. Now I just need to clear up this mess.

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Yes...I know I shouldn't worry, but I'm just afraid that "something more" could be actually showing up to my house or school. Either him or his friend could come knocking. Or he could send stuff addressed to my mother, etc. But then again, if I don't respond then it can be ambiguous as to whether or not he got my address correct. Sigh. I am really kicking myself for my stupidity last semester, all hung up on this fantasy of having a relationship with a complete stranger.

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Tread lightly. I can think of one person in particular that if they found out my current address.. I would probably move. It isn't a good feeling.

 

This time, don't repond. If he continues to do it, I would issue a warning to him saying that he needs to stop or the cops will get involved. If there is even the slightest action taken on his part, then inform the cops. I would also give somebody you trust all information needed about him to track him if anything more happens just in case.

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I just woke up after sleeping on it and I still feel as terrible as ever. I'm frightened for the safety of my family since they all live at that address. It's all my fault. WHY did I have to be so stupid last semester, getting involved with him, sending him pictures, telling him things I don't like about my family, not checking to make sure he couln't get my real name, etc.? BTW this thread contains links to all of the previous posts in this story:

 

I mean, he was in the military. He knows how to use a gun. He gets 2 months of vacation each year. He has a lot of money. He could show up randomly out of the blue. So maybe I should just go ahead and email him and tell him to stop right now, this way he will have no more excuse to try and contact me. But that will just confirm that he did indeed get the right address...even though I think he knew enough details about me that he's pretty sure he got the right one. Plus since I sent him so many pictures of me, he knows what I look like and could easily spot me in a crowd if he showed up at school or in my town. I am just so confused and I feel so rotten and scared. I don't think he is a violent person and every detail he's told me has checked out, but still you never know.

 

I have his address in Iraq and I can find his USA address online. Who should I give it to? Also, if I was to get a restraining order against him, how would that work? People violate restraining orders all the time.

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While this can be scary, I don't think you really have enough of a case to try and get a restraining order just yet. You could give his address to your parents just incase.

 

It is sort of like, I want you to do the things you have to be safe but also try to relax. Many people have made the same mistake as you have and they are OK. He will most likely not hurt you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do certain steps just to be on the safe side.

 

I don't know if this will help you at all, but a guy I dated for 5 months turned out to be a sociopath. I should have seen it sooner. But eventually he confessed to me that he fantasizes about raping/murdering undeveloped girls and he is a middle school teacher. He then went on to describe to me in detail how he would kill/sexually assault me with his hunting knife and that he knows where to hide a body. He is very skilled with guns, 6'5", and a speed runner Oo. I did report him to an investigative service because of the whole.. pedophile bit. He doesn't know my parent's address though and I'm not staying in the city I go to school in. He never knew where I lived on campus. He also doesn't know my parent's first names. I also had a run in with him. .. But, that was while I was in DC. More than likely, even if he DID have my address, he wouldn't both driving all the way down here, looking me up, just to kill me. To be safe though, I gave my psychologist and the police all the information they need to track him. This is a more extreme case than yours but.... the key is this: do the basic things you need to do to be safe (I should possibly get a restraining order but I don't want to bring myself up in his memory). Then, try not to worry about it.

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Don't write back to him or respond. If he sends anything else, tell your parents that you met him online, had shared some 'personal things' with him and DID NOT give him your address and how it got ugly from there. Your parents will surely understand that you don't think 100% rosey about family issues, so don't let that fear build up. Tell them why you're afraid and ask them for their advice or for them to intervine. This is only if he persues contact.

For now, don't write back and be happy about how much you've learned about yourself through this unpleasant experience.

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Do you have any reason to think he'd turn up and try to harm you or your family?

If he hasn't given you any reason to fear that, then try to stop worrying and hopefully you won't hear any more.

 

On the other hand, to avoid antagonizing him, if you do tell him not to contact you, put it like your parents have told you not to have contact with anyone from over the internet, so you won't be chatting or whatever any more. If you put it like YOU don't like him, and if he is a dangerous type, that might make him vindictive. Don't let him know you're scared or worried, either, or he could play on that. Don't let him know you're worried about him turning up, or that might put the idea into his head. Put it that it's your parents order that you don't have involvement with online contacts, and wish him well. End on a 'friendly' not (only to avoid antagonizing him). That's if you do email him.

 

 

Actually, whether you give info to someone or not, I discovered people can find it out anyway thru hacking. A guy I chatted to got a bit nasty to me when I didn't want to continue chatting, and quoted my password to me! That scared me a bit. He threatened to sabotage my yahoomessenger, and my chat friends' also. I figured that he could so that, as he had discovered my password. He could probably find out my address too, from my internet account. I kind of pretended I wasn't worried, and didn't react, and he didn't do anything. A lot of the things we worry about never happen. Especially, the worst scenario rarely happens.

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Thanks for all of your replies. offplanet, I like your suggestion but the problem is that I am 26 years old...so my parents can't tell me what to do anymore. So that won't work as an excuse for him since he knows I am an adult.

 

No, he hasn't given me any reason to really fear him...it's just that he's proven he's not trustworthy by sending me the book AFTER I told him I don't give out my address online. He had to have the upperhand. But the general consensus seems to be not to contact him, so I will ignore it for now.

 

Suzy...wow, that sounds really scary. He's a teacher, too? I'd be scared for those kids! Are you far away from him now?

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Well.. I actually ran into him not too long ago. .. He told me to look at these photographs he took online (he does that on the side). When I looked at them, they were an old abandoned basement.. like the one he was going to chain me up and do.. stuff in..

 

But, I am about.. 1.5 hours away from him right now and I doubt he has much way of finding me as all he had was my cell phone number and a screen name I don't use very often at all and for nothing else.

 

I do carry a pocket knife with me juuuust in case but was thinking I should get some mase (sp?)

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