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OW broke up with me: Now i Need some help


John Deere

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Long Story short I have been involved with another woman, a coworker for about 6 months.

 

Yesterday at 6:20 am she sent me this text message:

 

i think you need a lot of time to sort out your life. I am just not willing to wait for you anymore. Please dont hate me, OW.

 

Without rehashing the backstory in the link above I will say that when I saw the message my first reaction was relief. I predicted she would grow tired of being the other woman after she had left her husband and find somebody else. At this point I assume she found somebody else but i dont want to think about it. My relief has turned to sadness and now panic. I guess its predictable but now I feel hollow and empty and worse I WANT TO CALL HER AND BEG but i havent so much as even replied to her text message. I am currently out of the office, out of town taking a week's vacation from work and I feel fortunate that I still have a few days to get my head together and let this break up happen the way it should.

 

But as I said I feel weak and I cant stop thinking about her and I need some recursive training about the No Contact Break Up Rules to help me.

 

Please just leave the morality play and the lecturing and the guilt tripping out of this and just offer me advice that anyone has about keeping to the straight and narrow. I figure if I can just make it a week I will start to feel better and then even if I see the person at work or even if God Forbid she tries to undo her break up I will be able to rebuff her. I am finding all sorts of reasons to want to contact her- be "friends", its cruel to not at least acknowledge her breaking up with me, I should tell her I still love her etc. But my instincts tell me this is all wrong. Yet i cant sleep, I feel raw and hurt on the inside. I just need to get back to being somebody who ISNT doing something wrong every day. But instead i feel like somebody died am spending as much time with my family as I can. Exactly what I always MISS and hated myself for not doing when I was with the OW. But now that this has happened i feel like i will not be able to commit myself to it like they deserve until I can reconcile these feelings of rejection from the OW. Its so weird. I expected to feel this way somewhat and WANTED to feel this way because I felt i deserved it but now that it is happening I am overwhelmed.

 

And no I dont feel proud of myself and I dont feel "lucky" that it seems like a clean break. I feel messed up indeed but the only way i can find my way back to an honorable life is to start with distancing myself from this NOW. I will leave the hand wringing until later.

 

Any advice or mental tips or positive encouragement would be appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance to anybody who knows something about what this feels like.

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It's easy to cheat and do whatever feels good at the moment. Right now, in the post I just read--all I heard was "me, me, me". You sounded like a single man. You didn't write much about your family--if anything. It takes a strong person to put their whims aside and focus on what will make other people happy. Think about your family. You love them--but do you love them more than you love yourself? If you do, then go NC with the OW. What is over, is over. Let sleeping dogs lie.

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What an ironic thing for her to say?!

 

Talk about head games hey?

 

I think your conscience is telling you to make a definite decision to end this matter i.e. the RIGHT decision!

 

It must be especially painful because you can't really talk to anybody about what you are going through. I urge you to use this site as an outlet and you will be given a lot of different perspectives about the situation that you find yourself in. The pain you are going through is a vehicle for you to grow. Learn the lessons that it is trying to teach you. If you don't learn from this experience then the same thing will keep happening in your life until you do learn...

 

Be strong and keep swimming with the current...

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just like any other addiction/drug, when the source of your ecstasy/happiness/high/whatever gets taken away, you HAVE to go through a painful period of withdrawal. Sorry, but there is NO shortcut around this. Period. There is no magic pill that makes you lose weight, eat whatever you want, etc. You just have to suck it up, grit your teeth, and ride out the hurt/sorrow/sadness/depression. It won't be easy. You'll be tempted to go back to your source, and beg for another hit, even if it's acknowledgement that you're still remembered. And if you do, you'll feel good for a little bit, then you'll crash again. Like I said, there is no shortcut around it.

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If you want help with keeping NC just keep imagining the look on your wife, and then your children's face, if OW called her up one day and told her all about the two of you.

 

And then remember that the sooner you get NC in place the less likely anything like that will happen.

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I think you are probably going through grieving. It's like any other unwanted breakup, really.

 

One thing that helped me when I had an unwanted breakup was a 'The Truth About ____' list. It listed all the good stuff AND the bad stuff about the relationship. Now, if your ex mistress is someone who is is your dreamgirl, then clearly don't write that list.

 

Another thing that can help you - get really bluntly honest with yourself about the relationship and what it did both for you and to you. I recommend writing it down. That will at least help you get honest. As long as everything stays in your mind, you're going to go crazy and you might do something silly like try to start it up again. Clearly, that's not what would be healthy for you.

 

Good luck, and be patient with your feelings. They are telling you that you won't make it another day, and you're being bombarded with fears. But weigh those fears in writing and see if they're rational or irrational, and face them.

 

For example, one fear might be, 'how will I get through a day without her?' Write down how you will get through a day without her.

 

Another one might be, 'what if she changes her mind?' Write down what you will do if she changes her mind.

 

Your feelings aren't facts and they won't kill you. You survived without her for a long time, and you can do it again. The great thing about this relationship ending -- you can now stop spending energy on this distraction and start dealing with your true problems and finally finding solutions for them.

 

This relationship was a distraction from the truth. Isn't it great that now you can start actually moving forward with your life, moving toward becoming a whole person, that you won't have to lie and hide anything or feel guilty anymore because now you can face your problems? This relationship is part of what kept you stuck, I would guess.

 

Now you're going to be free of something unhealthy and you're going to get to become your true self - free of guilt, dishonesty, and fear! It'll take time, but you can do it. You just have to get through a little while and be honest.

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This is nothing as compared to what your wife and kids would go through, if they found out about your affair.....NOTHING! ...Sorry, couldnt resist!

 

Look....you will get over her, as other people get over failed relationships. You are not the only one on the planet, who has recently been ditched and going through something like this.

 

Just keep up the No Contact and stick to it, that is all you can do. There is no magic potion, that helps you get over them and quickly and through remaining NC in time your feelings do diminish and grow less. This time next year, you wont even remember her name!....

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Thank you Smiling Turnip and others who tried to provide positive reinforcement. I came to this forum looking for practical advice like Drink More Water but as some of have commented there is no shortcut. I have been dumped before in my life but this is different. I feel like i have to stop myself from crying. I always thought I was impermeable to this kind of bleakness and grim outlook but i caught myself looking out at the ocean tonight as the sun was setting and wondering how long it would take me to drown. It didn't help that my fortune cookie at the chinese restaurant last night said I would soon take a big trip to the nearest ocean. Well I am already here. How much closer can I get?

 

I have my sons depending on me so I have to be careful about how despondent I am feeling. The problem with actually grieving about this is its RIDICULOUS. I have been cheating. I dont get to grieve for this as if a pet died. And I wont be receiving any support from family or friends because A. they dont know and B. this is supposed to be a GOOD thing. They would congratulate me or tell me that is the time to clean up my life as Turnip was saying.

 

This forum is all I have so I am not going to fire back at the haters. If there is a greek chorus reading this then at least I know its real. I know that half or more of the visitors to this forum come here because they have been cheated on. They know heartbreak and for some of them its made them bitter. I hope I can find a way past this and not become bitter but there is always that possibility too.

For now I will take the suggestion of Smiling Turnip and write down a way that might work right NOW and tomorrow and then next day and the days after that when I might see this person at work.

 

I will smile. (its the only thing i can do right now)

I will keep plugging myself back into work and my family (I have never stopped doing this)

I will live in the moment and not watch the clock (for some reason looking at the clock today makes me want to stop breathing. I need to figure this out and fast)

I will not trend to workaholicism, like i have been (this was my excuse to not spend time with the OW. I guess I dont have to do that now 0

I will again try to create a dialogue with my wife about having a real marriage and when the question arises I will admit to being unfaithful

I will separate from her honorably if every attempt at restoring our marriage fails

I will keep alive the need I have for intimacy and if I am eventually alone I will not give up hope that there is someone out there for me.

 

thanks again

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You said that you would "honorably leave your wife if every attempt at working it out fails" (I'm paraphrasing)

The first 'attempt' at making it work is letting go of this other relationship. You cannot possibly have been making an honest effort at your marriage while carrying on an affair. So, this is really your first attempt and 'clean slate' so to speak. It all starts now.

Your wife will suffer the same hurt and devastation (worse, I'm imagining) if/when she finds out about your affair and she just may make the hard decision for you and leave you much more honorably.

Best wishes.

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I think that this is a good start, but it would be a good idea to remove all the text in parentheses. It's time to get honest and seriously get present.

 

To be completely honest, you need to look at each thing and think about what the specific actions are that you need to take.

 

Some of these are written in dramatic language. 'I will live in the moment and not watch the clock'. That's good, but how are you going to live in the moment specifically? Are you going to concentrate on your work? Are you going to go give your wife or children a hug whenever you think of the OW in order to make physical and real your desire to reconnect to your family?

 

For you to get through this, you're going to have to shed all drama and become practical. Practical actions will get the job done, they will demonstrate to you that you are capable of getting through this, and they will keep you in the present like nothing else can. So would being of service to someone else, like your wife or child or something. That will definitely pull you out of your head.

 

Workaholism - ok you're going to move away from that, but what does that mean in terms of actions and limits?

Dialogue - great, but what actions will you take to support that dialogue? How will you own your part and do the right thing?

Keeping alive the need for intimacy - What does that even mean? Don't be dramatic. If you are missing intimacy, then how can you meet that need responsibly and take care of yourself?

Possible separation - you are way too far off in the future. You need to get through today doing the right thing...tomorrow is something you can worry about when you get there.

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too dramatic? Well maybe. Smiling Turnip- I was speaking in platitudes because i have no plan for THIS moment. Thats the problem.

 

 

I keep waiting for this to wear off but i am obsessing on it, on her, the last things she said to me when i saw her a week ago, and everything leading up to it. I am staving off the thoughts by saying STOP and forcing myself to think about something happening RIGHT NOW right in front of me but then five minutes later I wander back to it. Its almost as if I am not here right now. Its very weird behavior for me. I usually can just discard or avoid thinking about stuff that is disturbing to me but in this case I keep looping back to it. Where is my powers of procrastination and denial when i need them

 

I guess its shock that I am suddenly not needed any more. I guess I was depending on her need for me and the way she was always trying to be in touch with me and be with me. Although it made me uncomfortable and i wished it would end now that it has ended I am the one who feels lost. Very apropo.

 

I know this isn't Love. I dont know what it is but isn't that. If I missed being with this person and missed all the little things about her and ached to hear her voice etc I would start to question why I am not with her. This is payback for being in a manipulative relationship. (she manipulated me with her sycophantic behavior right up until she was able to shed her need for me, I let this happen and enjoyed her need for me, depended on it.

 

I am doing everything i can to focus on my family in the moment. Aside from coming on here to post I have been with them every minute and it helps. I am engaged with them constantnly. But since my head is not clear yet I am in a fog and I will just space off and start thinking about her. I have to just keep going and stay aware, sober and in hope that the obsessive thoughts fade away.

 

It would be easier if I could honestly say there was little to no chance of ever seeing this person again. When I return to work again next week I will focus as much as i can and hope that I don't see her. Maybe that will be the nexus for me.

 

In any event I can not call or contact or talk to this person in a non business context. No way No How. That is the only plan I have right now. Hows that for practical? 3 days and counting... I will make it through 7 days and re-evaluate. Hopefully by then I can say the crazy thoughts will have diminished.

 

Thanks for your help.

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I think that you also have to be patient with your feelings. It is not going to be an overnight thing. You are going to be sad, going to obsess, the whole nine yards. You're going to catch yourself rationalizing ways that you can get in contact.

 

Affairs are very intense for a number of reasons. That's why they are harder to break off than normal relationships. An affair is like a drug and truthfully, that's what most people in an affair use the relationship as - a drug to mask the real problems.

 

Consider this withdrawal and be patient; if someone was addicted to painkillers and they were trying to detox, you wouldn't expect them to do it very quickly. You would understand and know that that addiction is not just the chemical, but is also a whole set of behaviors that has to be changed.

 

Be patient and be gentle on yourself; but be disciplined. Don't give in, don't believe the rationalizations and bargainning. Be honest with yourself.

 

When I say practical, I mean, take action. Don't use romantic or dramatic language at all. When it comes to this matter, use as simple language as possible. Sometimes we can use words to distance ourselves from the truth even while we're speaking it.

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Thank you again for the response TST. I dont completely understand the language suggestion. Are you saying that my words still sound vague?

 

I will try again. I dont want to be alone. I am afraid to be alone. The family vacation ends tomorrow and i WILL be alone for awhile. What the hell am I going to do with myself? Thankfully my dumb pride and fear will keep me from dropping a quarter to the OW but I have never felt so damn WOUNDED before. And since the OW put the OW! on me I have been around my lovely family. I am truly worried that they are what has kept me relaxed and distracted (read SANE). What will happen when I am without them tomorrow?

 

Ironic that you mention drugs i think i might need some Mostly kidding but I need to account for my time tomorrow. i will think of something stable to do when I am alone and DO IT.

 

Day 4 of the withdrawal awaits.

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This is better, more simple language.

 

If you are afraid to be alone, then what is something fun that you've been wanting to do but putting off? Whatever that thing is, go and do it.

 

What WILL happen when you are without them tomorrow? Do you have friends you need to catch up with? Do you have relatives to visit? Can you make a lunch appointment with a buddy? Best thing to do is make a plan of things that you would really like to do, then go do them. Think of some things you'd look forward to doing.

 

Your pride and fear are what will lead you straight back to the OW. Fear of being alone, wounded pride over being dumped. The only thing that will keep you from contacting the OW is your desire not to and the actions you take in your commitment to sticking to the break. Being honest with yourself about motivations will help too.

 

good luck!

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I realize I keep bumping "my" thread up to the top of the page. I must really have problems

 

Today I woke up thinking about her again. Still feel RAW still feel used and abused. Still checking my phone for text messages or voicemails from her. Cant seem to stop myself on that one.

 

I know they arent coming.

 

And whats killing me is that i tried and WANTED and prayed for this to come to an end. Was i so confused about my own feelings that I thought I could just walk away from this and not feel a thing?

 

Right NOW i just want relief and I want closure. Hate that word because is vague and as Smiling Turnip says I need solid action.

 

But WHY am i such a wreck- I have tried to get to THIS point with her for months- ignored her chats, made excuses on short notice to not be with her.

Made a concerted effort to never be seen at work with her. But then when she would get all teary eyed and ask if I was breaking up with her I would say of course not. Of course not. I couldnt do that to her even though I WANTED to.

 

Why am i not so ok with now that it happened? is my ego so imbalanced that I was depending on her NEED like the fourth leg of a chair?

 

When will i get over this? I am really REALLY concerned that my mind keeps trying to suggest an immediate fix. I will not contact her. But if she tried to get support from me right now that would be such a godamn drug fix. I will not let her see me at work if i can. I need a strategy for avoiding her.

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latest update- getting more pathetic all the time. I went on to the corporate website and downloaded a bad picture of the OW and saved it to my hard drive. Its a bad angle and also from when she was fatter. (she used me to lose weight too. I was her incentive. Good for me. I like helping people.) Now that she is feeling good about herself she evidently found somebody else. Good on that too its what I wanted.

 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr

 

I think I will see a psychologist if i dont feel better by Tuesday evening. I am starting to lose it. I dont even want her now. I want myself back. I want my time back. I want the part of me that feels rejected to be unrejected. Well thats not going to happen i know.

 

Resolutions for today

 

I will go back to the city today and NOT drive crazy and stay focused and not start day dreaming about her.

 

I will work out/exercise/SWEAT today and keep to my health regimen.

 

I will NOT contact her

 

I will post here again to clear my head out again as it quickly fills up with thoughts of death (?) * * * where did that come from? and loss.

 

I will get some work done and prepare myself for returning to work on tuesday.

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Yes I am responding to my own replies now. I guess talking to one's self is part of the "process".

 

Where is my wife during all this? Right by my side.

 

I love her but i cant tell her. I need to tell her because I tell her everything else about me. i cant live without myself for what i have done. I have to tell her. I will tell her. I cant tell her now. I want to tell her now. I cant tell tell her because it will kill her. I want to kill myself. every few minutes. But that thought goes away quickly. Replaced by anger. Anger for letting myself do this. Just because I had the opportunity. And because I felt neglected. And because when the opportunity presented itself I asked myself Why Not? And couldnt find a reason. Now I have the reason and it does me no good when I think i cant replace what Sumaya took from me. Yes i used HER name here because when I see OW i flinch.

 

Here's another inexcusably dumb thought that keeps coming back even after I say STOP: (my kids are starting to look at me strangely when I do that. At first they though that I was telling them to stop talking quietly amongst themselves or to stop chewing their sandwiches. Now they just realize their Dad is an odd guy). I NEED TO REPLACE HER.

 

I dont need to replace her. I have my wife. She's right here. No I need to replace HER.

 

?

 

That person supplied excitement, near constant adulation, and need. My ego was tripping. My ego is saying go and get a substitute, even as beaten down as I feel at this point I have to try. And then i can somehow let the OW know that my party isnt over.

 

Wow did i even type that? I think i did.

 

sorry for the stream of conscience journal entry, people. This would be better served in a private journal instead of foisting it up on the internet in front of the eyes of people who might not even want to see this car wreck. Maybe it belongs in the break up or depression forum. JD

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Here's another inexcusably dumb thought that keeps coming back even after I say STOP: (my kids are starting to look at me strangely when I do that. At first they though that I was telling them to stop talking quietly amongst themselves or to stop chewing their sandwiches. Now they just realize their Dad is an odd guy). I NEED TO REPLACE HER.

 

I dont need to replace her. I have my wife. She's right here. No I need to replace HER.

 

?

 

Actually, I don't think it's a dumb thought, I think you need to replace her WITH your wife, which is an active decision on your part, not something that just happens by default. You really need to re-engage with your wife, put the emotional energy back into that. It's sad that you can't turn to your wife for support at this time (unless she's superhuman, and I think that would be too much for anyone), but you can at least channel the high emotional energy you have right now into a real and genuine effort to rebuild things. Of course I'm skipping the $64million question there, but we'll leave that aside for now.

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JD,

 

I know you're in a tough spot right now. I know, because I've been there. It's been almost two years since I last had any interaction with the OW, but as you can see, the fact that I'm still trolling these online forums looking for advice suggests I still have issues.

 

As I read this thread and your previous posts, I'm struck by the similarities between our two stories. I know now that I was playing with fire, and it just got out of hand, faster than I could have possibly imagined. When I realized what I had done, I was in the boat you're in now. I was a mess.

 

In many ways, I'm still a mess. While the affair has been over for quite some time, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the OW. I know I'm going to get alot of grief with a comment like that, and that's fine. I'm not writing to get approval from anyone. I just hope that my pain and misery can help someone else avoid the mistakes that I made and continued to make over and over again.

 

Trust me when I tell you this. What others are saying about this being an addiction is absolutely true. What you're going through right now has everything to do with brain chemistry. I'm not trying to give you an easy out. Obviously your actions led you here, and you have to be held accountable for what you've done. However, like all addictions, fighting your way out of this is not a simple exercise of sheer will winning out. There are those here who easily dispenses advice about "doing the right thing." If that was the case, then there would be no need for AA, nicotine patches, methadone, etc...

 

There's no magical solution. You of course already know that. You're going to feel like crap, and that's the first takeaway. You have to accept the fact that there is no simple answer and you have to stop trying to find one. That's only going to lead to false hope that someone or something will miraculously come to your rescue.

 

You have to take things one step at a time. Ultimately, you have to decide what you want first. Do you want to stay with your wife and family or do you want to leave them for her?

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