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How can she not be missing me?


stabilo

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Its almost 4 months since I've spoken to my ex in person and today I woke up wanting to puke. I can't take it anymore - my love for her is infinite. I want her back more than anything but don't know what to do. I'm nervous about pursuing the friendship route because I don't want to be 'friendzoned' but I am also nervous coz its been 4 months without speaking on the phone. I'm going to call tonight guys - whats the best way to proceed? I want this phonecall to be perfect or at least to go smoothly. I guess its going to be risky, and I shouldn't expect too much. I just can't move on.

 

The break-up was very much out of the blue, and the break-up reasons were along the lines of her not being sure how she felt about us, that things had changed, that we should see other people. She was about to turn 21 and I am 27 so maybe its a case of GIGS but she also told me she didn't want to be in a deep relationship/scared to commit. I understand that age played a big part in her mindset, but we really did have true love. People always commented on how we were such a loving couple. I gave her the world. I still find it hard to accept today - we had everything going for us.

 

I admit that our last month together (February) wasn't the greatest, but even just a week beforehand she told me how much she loved me after a certain romantic gesture I gave her. I saw the look in her eyes and knew it was true - you cannot deny body language, can you? And I'm pretty good at picking up vibes. I really didn't think a break-up was on the cards until 2 days before the break-up, when her body language DID change, but being a typical man, I had my head in the sand. We had plans for the future even - holidays and her birthday party which I was helping organise just a few weeks before and she was very excited about these plans.

 

I think this is where my hope stems from, that we had plans, and loved each other and the fact that when we broke up she said she loved me. And even a few days later (now into March) we talked about why she was breaking-up with me more intensly, and after a long discussion we actually made up, deciding to take things slow, only for her to be confused again the next day. My heart was in hell so I didn't meet her the next day and told her I'd give her space, not ready to face the music again and cutting a long story short haven't seen her or spoken to her since.

 

We were each other's first love, best friends, soulmate. For 95-99% of the 2 year relationship she always had the biggest smile on her face. I know we are perfect for each other. I made her the happiest girl in the world. Only ever had one fight, never shouted at each other, loved each others company, and saw each other pretty much every day - something she was always keen to maintain. We did so many amazing things together. I'm lost without her. All the things I like to do to make myself happy seem worthless. I cannot even put a smile on my face as hard as I try. She really was my other half.

 

I sent her nothing for her a birthday, apart from a scrapbook full of memories, and jokes, and poems but I gave this to her a week after breaking up with me by leaving it on her doorstep. Her birthday was 3.5 weeks after the break-up and looking back now I realise that I should have just laid my heart on the line and pulled out all the stops to make her realise what we had was so special, and how special she is to me. All I sent her was a text message to say happy birthday. No reply. I was so hurt I couldn't be around for her special day. I've sent her letters and emails spilling out my feelings and confusion but stopped this after 2.5 months, because I was not getting the response I wanted.

 

I just find it so strange that she hasn't been missing me, but understand its part of break-up territory for the dumper not to contact. At the same time, she is insecure, shy and stubborn so she probably tries her best not to contact me, or she is with someone else. I do not believe you can fall out of love with someone that quickly, especially with someone who provided so much love and affection, and care, and especially your first love. But I understand it appears that way. I've had no positive signs, and I'd like to think that if I was a jerk, then her not contacting me would be understandable. I'm just so sad guys.

 

Sorry for the long story - does anyone have any insight? I know that the only way of getting her back is her realising that I really am the person for her, or me loving her back to me. And I just feel like contact has to be initiated before it really is too late. But then, is it ever too late for love? Do I just wait for her to contact me again? I feel like I can never do better than her...I want her in my life.

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I'm only 1 month into a break up and not spoke to her since. I'm assuming she is not missing me and enjoying her independence more. As much as i want to get back with her my head says no reason to call because it will open old wounds and set me backk. it is for her to make the first move.

 

It sounds like you are not over her yet, so i would not contact her. it might put you back to day 1 and you might find some news you dont want to hear. You need to move on.

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Sometimes it is best to do nothing about this type of situation. This isn't just about getting her back anymore, it is also about you getting yourself back.

 

I have been where you are now and it is no pleasure cruise, believe me. But contacting her may not be the way to go. It may only convince her that she made the right choice of ending things.

 

Someone once told me as I was in the process of my divorce (initiated by my ex) that it didn't matter anymore what I wanted, it was what she wanted that was important. Wise words.

 

I felt the same way you do, I wanted my ex back, but it didn't materialize and for good reasons. But what I did gain from the experience is more than I could have ever imagined.

 

The truth is their are no guarantees or ways in winning her back. Contact or No contact it really doesn't matter. It is all up to her, and not much you can do about it, so I am afraid to say it to you but you are powerless.

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing either.

 

My best advice for you is to begin living your life again. Start dating, go out with friends, do what you always wanted to do and do it well. There are many, many women out there, and you will feel for one of them what you feel for your ex, trust me. It takes time, but first you need to heal.

 

The more you focus on her and how badly you miss her, the more you will torture yourself. Remember, what you resist will persist. And resisting to feel the pain and hurt from this breakup by holding on to any hope is exactly what you are doing. It is counterproductive.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

be well,

brando

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I feel like because I HAVEN'T been in contact, she has been able to walk away easily. I don't know what she is thinking at the moment, and I wouldn't pressure her into talking about the relationship, break-up or her feelings. I made it easy on her by giving her space. We went from speaking to each other EVERY day to nothing overnight. Even though I know it was the best thing to do to give her space, everytime I have initiated contact whether by text, email, I talked about the wrong topics - ME, not her.

 

I should have used my NC, and LC much better, by reaching out to her feelings. I haven't acted very maturely, and as much as I feel like she has wasted a great heart, and love, I feel like that I have lost a great heart and love too. Its a double whammy. And like I said, I only noticed a change in her in those last few days. I'm pretty certain I said something to upset her, and thats why I feel like this break-up is something that didn't need to happen. I can't imagine how anyone could treat her better than me!!!

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Honestly you need to get over her before you think of contacting her, go out and better yourself and put yourself at the top of the list in your life, missing your ex puts her first not you.

 

Once you feel over her there is a post that you could possibly utilize, or if you want to act like your over her if you truly cant handle it.

 

 

This helped me so much and it should help you. You have to completely lose something before you get it back.

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That probably would be the major factor in her not contacting me. I guess if she was alone, she really would miss me. Maybe she just wants to enjoy the single life, but I know her all too well, and she can be a lonely person so you could be right, there could be someone else. However, when breaking up - she did tell me that there was nobody else, because I asked her, and she said so twice. But then again, why should I believe her, when she told me she wanted us to be together forever? I don't know what to believe. All I know is that for 95%-99% of our time together she loved me more than anything and I guess I must have done something wrong, or pushed her away without realising...

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One guy I was in a relationship with for 5 years insisted for 6 months after we broke up that he wasn't seeig anybody else - when he was with her a month after we split. Sometimes they just don't want to deal with the aftermath.

 

The thing is, you don't know what she's thinking. If you stress over it, trying to imagine what's going through her mind and what she's up to, you'll drive yourself crazy. The only thoughts you have control over are your own.

 

I know it's difficult. I hope things work out for you.

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Of course she isn't going to tell you there is someone else.

 

Don't go on a downer with yourself. You have done nothing wrong from what you say. Be strong. I always believe the truth comes out in the end… and it will! Focus on YOU for now.

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Well I have football (soccer) training later, so I was going to call after that. But having read some of the posts to my thread, if she really did leave me for someone else, she doesn't deserve my time. Unfortunately, I do not know if that is the case, and will not ask her, so maybe I should act none the wiser but then maybe that is assuming the worst. She might have just met someone in the last month or so...my gut feeling is, looking back on things, that there was someone else.

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If she loved you like you believe she does, there is no way she has forgotten you. However, she, like you, is probably trying to move on and heal and that is why she isn't in contact with you. It isn't about you, it's about her taking care of herself now.

 

Personally, I wouldn't call her. I was in the same siutaion about a year ago, and keeping in LC actually delayed my healing to a degree. He eventually did come back 4.5 months after dumping me suddenly, after a failed rebound, but it was too soon, too raw still, and still too many conflicted emotions for us. 6 months of back and forth, and only now am in full all out NC with no end date for it in site- if ever. It took me 10 months, but I do see now why NC is strongly advised in the aftermath of a break-up. I often wonder had I stuck to NC in the outset, if things wouldn't have turned out differently for us now. I had a STRONG urge today to call him and tell him off for some things he said in our most recent split, but my will is stronger and I will not give in. If you break NC, you give her back control. Since you are still very emotionally invested, I'd stick to NC. Only once you are not tied to any outcome, maybe then transition to LC. But I think you'll delay your healing, set yourself back, and give up your power right now if you break NC when you aren't even close to being over her yet.

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This is a tough one.

 

If you do call her, you need to prepared for her to either not answer or not call you back, because that will hurt. I can tell you now, if you had a loving relationship there is no way she will have forgotten you. But she is an individual and people deal with things in their own way.

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Well at the start of this month, she contacted me for the first time on her own initiaite (3 months after break-up) asking how I was and stuff via text. There was nothing in it, but considering she had been cold and unfriendly for the entire 3 months before, I had to question her motives. I had sent her a text about 2 weeks before this and her response was pretty much 'leave me alone' although she did not say those words. I never expected to hear from her again, and then BAM one day she contacted me, albeit tentatively.

 

She also sent me another text about 2 weeks ago, again being nice and friendly, but didn't continue a conversation. And that hurt. In a way, I wish she hadn't contacted me...because it gave me false hope and that is why I want to call, because I felt like she was opening the door slightly, but maybe it isn't open that much. I want to win her back, and I just don't know what to do!!! But it does seem like NC is the way to go. I just know we are right for each other coz everything just felt so natural. Nothing was forced, or hard work...

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Be prepared for all eventualities. I ask myself the same questions and I probably would feel sick to the stomach if she met someone else without giving me a proper go, which ultimately, spelled the end for us.

 

However, my instinct tells me she hasn't forgotten you. Very few people are that fickle but her silence probably speaks volumes in that respect. If you are in her life, you are a constant reminder to that little story not ending the right way. Perhaps it triggers some sort of doubt in her or perhaps she is just simply hurting.

 

If I were you, I would begin to assume she doesn't want a reconciliation, only then can you move forward from this. Some just can make a clean break, and maybe this is what she is doing to close this chapter.

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Thats the crux though. We have 20 good memories for every bad one, perhaps even a higher ratio. It wasn't a bad relationship, it was very very good but we did hit a bit of a rut and I think she expected the honeymoon period to last forever. It didn't have to end the way it did. She didn't communicate, and I had no idea she was feeling the way she was until it was too late.

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It sounds to me that what you're saying is that you should have clung to her and guilt-tripped her into staying with you?

 

Why would you want to be with someone who only stays with you because they feel guilty and trapped? Let her go and accept its over.

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I'm trying to accept...it just feels so unreal how love that strong, a connection that strong can be gone so fast. The anxiety I felt this morning was horrible.

 

And I would never have guilt-tripped her. I might have in those first few weeks had I not gone NC, but thankfully I didn't. What I meant in the text you highlighted is that in those first few weeks she needed space, but then I should have talked about her feelings, after the dust had settled rather than worrying about how much I was hurting, and still loving her. Because I could have told her I loved her until I'm blue in the face. It was her thoughts I needed to discuss and understand and empathise with, and I didn't. I didn't get to the bottom of her heart when I thought her heart was mine forever. But then again, I did nothing to hurt her, and she destroyed my heart and waited 3 months to ask how I was doing - so I guess we were both selfish.

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If the connection was there, then yes she would miss you... I think all of us on here wish that our exes did. But while we miss them and they miss us, the fact remains, does anyone really want to get down into the dirt and work on those issues that separate us? It is sometimes easier to forget about the other person that you faced troubles with and start anew with another... thus why we have such a high divorce rate, etc. But step back and evaluate your own inner self and find out if you are truly able to let go and see what happens rather than forcing a situation. The more you push, the more she will stay away.

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Thats the crux though. We have 20 good memories for every bad one, perhaps even a higher ratio. It wasn't a bad relationship, it was very very good but we did hit a bit of a rut and I think she expected the honeymoon period to last forever. It didn't have to end the way it did. She didn't communicate, and I had no idea she was feeling the way she was until it was too late.

 

I can see where you are coming from. For some reason the ex stopped wanted sex and it went down hill from there. i tried to find out what the issue was but she didnt open up. maybe i should have persisted. problem is you dont want to kick up too much of a fuss cos you dont want to lose her. she then got more distance. when we split up she said i need to be more open but then she was just as bad herself. do dumpers never see fault in themselves? at the time its so easy for the decline of the relationship to creep up on you, then bang it is too late. looking back you wonder why you never did something about it but after splittin gup you have nothing to lose. at the time you dont want to risk making the situation worse

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Right, help me out guys. I didn't phone. But I just went on MSN and we had our first conversation in 4 months, and she dialled me up. I didn't mention the relationship or break-up but talked and caught up with each other for 45 mins. I then invited her to meet me on Saturday and she accepted the invitation. I don't want to fall down the friends route, and I'm gonna have to be on form on when we do meet up. How shall I approach this?

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Obviously you don't wanna get "friend zoned" but if you want to get back with her you have to meet her eventually. To not get friendzoned involves not ALWAYS being around, but remianing approachable i think. At the end of the day, if she's seeing someone else and she speaks to you about it like she would an old friend.... you've been friendzoned but other than that, have fun when you meet but don't arrange to meet again too soon.

 

Also when you meet, look at her body language towards you, that in itself can tell you alot.

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Cool - if I can see that I am being friendzoned I will try to leave. We are going for a walk, which will be about an hour. I will not bring up the relationship, or even ask her about her love life. But what if she asks about mine? What do I say? I've only had a couple of dates...

 

The problem is it was my friendliness (and obviously attractiveness) that was appealing to her in the first place. I'm not a 'jack the lad' character and I have a certain sense of wit so I'll just be myself. I am very nervous...and maybe I'm not ready but its happening so beggers can't be choosers.

 

Any other suggestions?

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