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Girlfriend cheated, is this the end; what would you do?


trailor22
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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Background info...stay with me, this gets interesting. I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over 2 years. She is currently 23 and I am 25. We were inseparable for about 3-4 months, until I moved back to my hometown leaving her 6 hours away. Then started the LDR. She would come see me every month, only once a month every month for a year. In Aug of 2008 she moved in with me and we live in our Apt currently.

 

ok, so in these past 2 years, I have had reason not to trust her...not gonna lie, I messed up and snooped around on her computer. However, I did find some evidence of her cheating on me. During the LDR, around x-mas of 2007, she visited friends in another state. One particular friend she has had since High school, and apparently always had a bit of a crush on him. From what I read in intimate messages and e-mails, she had cheated on me with him. Only kissing as far as I read. but that she also claimed she didn't feel bad about it, nor did she regret it. Low blow, but whatever, she never intended for me to read it. In the message, she claimed she kissed him several times during her weekend on this trip and almost had sex with him, only reason she claimed to have stopped was that she wanted first time sex with him to be more special (her words in the messages I found, not mine). She came back, and told me nothing of it.

 

bout 8 months later, 2 weeks before she was to move in with me. She went out with some friends, (not the same ones from out of state) and cheated on me and admitted it to me that same night. Another low blow, she cheated on me with another female. I was upset, but we had already signed a lease to move into an apt together, and had already moved half her stuff in the apt with me. I agreed to take her still, and work on the issues at hand. needless to say it was rough. I am already poor at communication, but I do try. After this issue I was upset and I certainly didn't trust her. Started asking questions about that trip she took to see out of state friends in x-mas of 07. she claimed nothing happened. (one of the friends she was visiting was her ex-boyfriend, whom she continued to talk to every day). We started opening up about everything, no more secrets. I urged her to tell me, and yeah I would be upset if she told me about, "I cheat on you". but I told her I wanted to work around these issues. I love her dearly. She still stated only cheated on me the one time with the female 2 weeks before the move in with me. so now, I have gotten over everything, and I snooped again...(sorry) found the messages, confirming she did cheat on me.

 

such a long time ago, should I not care? Should I let this go? I do have trust issues, and every time I feel like I gain a bit of trust back, something like this happens. I need opinions, feedback, etc.

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"Background info...stay with me, this gets interesting."

 

You sure know how to grab your audience lol.

 

It really does not matter if you already moved her stuff.

Leave her if you think it's not working out.

Don't come up with excuses. It gets harder to break up once she moves in.

Make decisions asap.

 

You don't trust her, She is giving you enough reasons not to.

You are already lowering yourself thinking it's your fault because you have "trust issues" or "poor at communication"

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she also claimed she didn't feel bad about it, nor did she regret it.

 

Apart from the fact that she cheated on you and completely broke the trust in your relationship, this is what should really have you concerned. This really has a lot to say about how important you and your relationship is to her.

 

Leave her, make room for someone in your life who will treat you with more respect.

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I truly believe that when you asked your gf if she had indeed cheated in the past, you where asking her to choose between you and her, or just her by herself. Dude, when she lied to you and then you found the evidence, that proves she will choose herself over the your relationship. You have every right to get upset about this and how are you supposed to trust what she says from now on? DJBaby is right on about this; you will be paranoid for as long as you stay with her.

 

If it was simply the one time, maybe, but after her denials, direct denials? How can you trust someone like that, no wonder you feel the way you do? Would you really want to continue any relationship with someone like this?

 

You asked what I would do, I would bounce. I would go back 'home' and tell her it's over and that she can no longer be living with me. If she didn't want to leave, then I would leave. I know the economy is a little crappy right now so maybe you might be a little stuck. Fair enough, I'd draft up a list of rules and tell her in no uncertain terms that we are no longer an item.

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How has she been since she's actually been with you physically?

 

What caused your trust issues?

 

 

In regards to your first question, since she moved in with me which now is about at 10 months has been rough. In the first couple of a months when we started living together, I had serious trust issues with her. I even made her go to a doctor to get checked out...I didn't want any diseases or anything like that and I also wanted to make she was still healthy. Everything checked out fine. We continued on in the relationship, and within 3 months or so things seem to have picked up. I was moving on, I didn't want to hold a grudge. She claimed the infidelity was a one time "drunk" mistake. I don't believe in drunk mistakes at least not to this degree. but again when she admitted all this cheating I still had not known about the even at x-mas of 07 cheating on me with the friend from her high school out of state. I had to find all that out on my own.

 

In the past several months now, everything had been "ok" not as good as we once were, but I was moving on. By the way, sex is non-existent now, that is due to her though. I have accepted the cheating that she did in Aug of 08 with the other female, and had moved on. By no means am I happy about the situation but I loved her, and I could tell she did have regret about this incident. Or at least that is what she led me to believe.

 

When she went to visit the out of state friends in x-mas 07, I began the trust issues. Like I said, went to visit friends one of which was an ex-boyfriend that was still madly in love with her. Turns out I was wrong to suspect the ex-boyfriend, and it was actually a close friend of hers that apparently she had had a crush on for quite some time. That is what started it. Also when we first started dating, she would talk to her ex-boyfriend everyday. Only recently has she stopped but that is due to an issue she is having with him. Some "high school drama BS" that I don't care about anyways. I always thought it was odd that she would talk to him and receive texts from him all the time. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable, she claimed not a big deal.

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The hardest part is living with yourself knowing at any moment she can and might be willing to cheat. I was in a similar position and I found out later on she cheated on me with a guy for 3 months before I found out. It's sad, you go through all the emotions. A guy's natural instict is to fix the solution. You have to realize that this isn't your fixing issue. She is what she is and you either accept it or tolerate it. I started tolerating it until the point I realized how miserable I was with my life, her, and mostly myself. I let her go, completley. Out of sight, out of mind. In time you learn to grow and depend on myself again. I'm 100X better than what I was before and 100X more better than what she is. Live life and learn to forgive. Move on, accept herself for what she really is and not what you want her to be, cause she already made it perfectly clear who she is.

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Its not that you have trust issues, its that she has infidelity issues! Bottom line is she cheated, you can try to rationalize it any way you like but at the end of the day she is a cheater plain and simple, and like you said she doesn't even feel bad about it. People like this exhibit sociopathic behavior where they continue to do things that they know are wrong, they know hurt people, and they never feel bad about it. Hence why they continue to do it. I think you need to get rid of this girl. I know its hard but staying with her is only going to continue to cause problems for you in the long run. Best of luck with everything.

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Sorry to hear you're going through this, and think you have some serious questions to ask yourself. I have similar experience with my Xwife. She had a history of cheating on every guy she was ever with (turns out there were a LOT of guys) but I thought it would be different... ha ha!

 

She managed to go a good number of years, but eventually cheated on me with my boss. Like you, it was only "a kiss" but it wasn't a drunken mistake (which I don't think is a valid excuse, either) but it broke my heart. But I moved on. A few years later, our relationship was not good, and she ended up cheating with a mutual friend. I too snooped and found emails with absolutely no sense of remorse or guilt. She only felt bad AFTER I found out and talked to her.

 

I seriously thought about staying, as I believe marriage should not be thrown away lightly. But after some very serious soul-searching I realized that I'd never really trust her again and I didn't want to make BOTH our lives miserable by not trusting. So I walked... and it was the best decision I've made.

 

Now, I think the biggest red flags with your story is the fact that she is NOT remorseful at all, and has kept the first instance from you. She WAS planning on having sex with that guy but they just didn't have time to "make it special." Big, BIG red flag. And now your sex life is non-existent and you don't trust her much.

 

I don't know... it's your decision but she doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want to spend my life with. I'm a firm believer in "once shame on you, twice shame on me" and right now, she's dragging you with her.

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I told her it made me feel uncomfortable, she claimed not a big deal.

 

That should also be a big statement to you. It isn't a big deal.....TO HER. This actually adds credence to Djbaby's position. She get's what you want and you get put through the ringer, and your feelings about the matter (which you found out where justified). She places your relationship in danger but so long as she loses nothing, then things are fine. Although I'm not you and I do not know her, I would be fairly sure that you can bet that you will always be looking over your shoulder to see where and what she has done recently.

 

You have trust issues due to the fact that she has done nothing to bolster your trust, only to errode it further. Ask yourself this? What is it that you want? I can tell you this from experience, life gets very tiring when you are constantly paranoid and looking over your shoulder constantly to see whether or not your partner, the one person who you should be able to trust will stick a knife in your back.

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Yeah- and I bet your "trust issues", OP, will go away eventually (since they are, from your posts, solely because of her), and I bet her "infidelity issues" will always be a factor, no matter who she's with. Think about that...

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I want to thank everyone for their comments and messages. Really is helping. And you know what, everyone is right...hard for me to admit that but I knew it too. I just didn't want to admit that I "need" to leave her. There are several other issues on why I shouldn't be with her any longer, but the cheating and the lying are probably number 1. But I pose another question...

 

She confessed about the cheating with the other female back in Aug of 08. Before that though cheated on me during X-mas of 07. (lied and kept that from me). She still doesn't know I know about that incident. However, my question is...

 

The last time she cheated on my was about 10 months ago. And the lying incident from 07 was about 18 months ago...Should I just let this go?? She seems better in the relationship, and since she lives with me now, we always go out together. I guess I am saying there is no way she can cheat on me again successfully. But since the issues were such a long time ago. Should I get over it?? Just not even bring this up?

 

*sigh* I think I am always going to be paranoid about this kinda stuff...and not just with my current girlfriend...what if I get in a relationship with another girl and I start off in that relationship paranoid about lies and cheating? Am I doomed?

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The last time she cheated on my was about 10 months ago. And the lying incident from 07 was about 18 months ago...Should I just let this go?? She seems better in the relationship, and since she lives with me now, we always go out together. I guess I am saying there is no way she can cheat on me again successfully. But since the issues were such a long time ago. Should I get over it?? Just not even bring this up?

 

Let me ask you this. Lets say a year from now, you are both still with each other. You still live with her and she with you. You have to go out of town for your job or something, or vice-versa. What do you honestly think the first thing you are going to think/flashback to is?

 

Now, flash forward some years, you have kids. Nice house. Nice job. Madly in love. You find out she cheated again. How do you feel now?

 

Look, I'm being brutally honest with you.. I'm a firm believer in "Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater". I know some people on this site hate that, but from things I have seen/read/observed, it's the rule, not the exception.

 

She cheated on you twice. The first time, was worse than the second time even if no sex occurred. She was EMOTIONALLY unfaithful to you. She knew it was wrong which is why she never told you.

 

Now, why she told you about the second time in my opinion was because it was with another female. No emotional attachment (From what I gather from your posts), so it's easier to just *sigh* and work through it.

 

My advice? End it now before you become way to attached (If that's already happened, I feel for you). This woman isn't someone you are going to look back on in 4 years and say "That was the one". What she is, honestly, is a time waster. Don't waste anymore of your time on a person that doesn't love or appreciate you. Be honest with yourself, because I think you know that this relationship holds nothing for you but pain, discomfort and paranoia.

 

*sigh* I think I am always going to be paranoid about this kinda stuff...and not just with my current girlfriend...what if I get in a relationship with another girl and I start off in that relationship paranoid about lies and cheating? Am I doomed?

 

If you stay with this one, you are guaranteed to always be paranoid about it. This post proves it. The relationship is already tainted.

 

Break up, give yourself some healing time, and realize she isn't worth it, not to you.

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"The last time she cheated on my was about 10 months ago. And the lying incident from 07 was about 18 months ago...Should I just let this go?? She seems better in the relationship, and since she lives with me now, we always go out together. I guess I am saying there is no way she can cheat on me again successfully. But since the issues were such a long time ago. Should I get over it?? Just not even bring this up"?

 

 

 

Don't be so sure of that, since she cheated on you before, she definitely has the potential to cheat again. Not saying that she will, or will not, but, do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to "police" their every move?

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dude i bolded the key issues here. Yes you need to leave her. so what if you love her, she obviously doesnt love you enough to stay faithful. wake up man. she has cheated on you twice THAT YOU KNOW OF. once a cheater always a cheater!

 

She is a liar and deciever. you dont want to be with someone like that. You are wasting time from meeting someone that is truly meant for you. This girl obviously has not sown her wild oats so she has it easy. she has you to go home to while she is out having her fun. wake up!

 

Regardless of the fact you two live together, there is always a way to cheat! always and if you continue this relationship which WILL end eventually, you will be damaged goods for the next woman that comes into your life. You gotta leave man. this is soo not good for you and you know this!

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