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Ex Vs. New Guy ... Do I tell em'?


bentandbroken

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So I've posted a few threads about a guy that I really like at work previously, a lot of you guys told me to go for it, invite him out, go out with him, etc.

I ended up following your advice, and everything went great! We have been spending a lot of time together, and when we are around each other we even act like a couple. I even took him to meet my family, and everyone loved him; as well as he enjoyed my family.

 

Now, I'm having an even bigger problem. I was in a long distance relationship for four years, I live in the states ... this guy lives in Canada. I'm still pretty young, and he is about three years older than I am. I just turned 19, and he is getting ready to be 23. Our relationship wasn't really healthy, and he has a lot of growing up to do, and at this moment in time I can tell we just aren't right for each other.

I've known this guy for several years, and ended up trying the whole "long distance" thing out. Now I've felt like I've wasted, and missed out, on a lot of my teen years. Being that I turned into a hermit waiting for him to visit me, and I stayed 100% faithful to him the whole time ... even when there were plenty of locals for me. He visits every three to four months, and I'm to the point where I just can't handle that anymore. I need someone that I can call up at any time, and be there for me ... and Canada guy just isn't it.

 

Here's the problem ...

This trip will be the longest trip that it's been since we have seen each other, about five months. The second of July was our anniversary so he had to lengthen the trip out to make it here on time. So it's been about five months since last seeing him, at the time we booked the flight (five months ago) we were still together. He spends "a LOT" of money to come and visit, and he's been really good about visiting me as often as he can.

However, I have this new guy that I'm really into. I see things leading further, but I don't want to rush things as we both agree we like to take things slow.

I was the bigger person, and told Canada guy point blank on how I felt for the guy I work with. I was as nice as can be, and I told him I will definatly reimburse him for his tickets down here. (I feel awful that he spent that much ...) However, he STILL insists that he come down. Now, we really have been friends for a long time, and he even told me after all this that he considers us still best friends. He just wants me to be happy, and if it's not with him then that's okay. Him and I have both taken our holidays off at work, and we plan to be out of town a lot, and doing the things we planned to do. The trips always last two weeks, and I took three days of each week out, to spend time with Canada guy.

Since him, and I both have taken off work, put our vacation in, and even spent a ton of money on his ticket ... he says the "least" I can give him is a chance to at least come to visit. He isn't asking for anything more, just a visit, so he can at least get his vacation in.

Now I'm juggling new guy, and ex .... How do I tell new guy that I can't talk for two weeks cause' my EX! will be here? Also I don't know where things are going with new guy, I mean I can tell somewhere cause' we hold hands, hug, and snuggle, and he was really comfortable at holding my hand in front of my family, or putting his arm around me. Although we have never talked about dating, or anything. He is really into making things "right" as in we haven't even kissed due to there hasn't been a "right" time.

 

So, I don't know how to tell him? What if I make myself like a jack ass, and think it's going further, and maybe new guy is just being polite with me? Although I would hope that that isn't politeness cause' it feels like so much more.

So do I tell him, or do I not?

Some people say I should, and I've had a couple say I shouldn't. But it's going to be hard to avoid town, for the little time that I am in town, and I don't want to lie to him. But I don't really want to tell him either, but I don't want to ruin something that hasn't even started that has the possibility.

I'm just very confused, and can use all the help I can get.

Thank You ](*,)

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It sounds to me like you really really like this new guy a lot. If you absolutely positively HAVE to see your ex, then I would tell him and explain, but after this I would discourage any more visits from the ex. It doesnt mean you cant be friends but is it worth stuffing up your chances with this new guy who can be what you need?

 

If the new guy is uncomfortable with it, or gets upset then you will need to be firm with your ex and tell him that you do not think its a good idea. You will basically have to make a choice at some point I think.

 

But if you really need to see your ex then I would definitely tell the new guy. That way he will trust you because even if nothing happened between you and the ex when he visits, if the new guy finds out later he will assume things did happen and thats a whole new can of worms.

 

This comes from first hand experience. If you value your relationship you need to be honest I think from the get go otherwise things could get messy. If he really likes/trusts you he will appreciate your honesty.

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Hmmm....a lot of people might not agree, but unless I'm official with someone, we're pretty much on a "needs to know" basis. If he was your bf, I'd say he needs to know. But he's not. But....

 

And are you sure you're even ready for something new? Are you still hung up on Canada Boy? You shouldn't feel obligated to spend two weeks with the guy. If you are spending time with him while he's here, I'd say it's because you want to.

 

If you wanna tell this new guy, go for it, but I'd prepare for him to be extremely turned off. I would be.

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If you wanna tell this new guy, go for it, but I'd prepare for him to be extremely turned off. I would be.

 

That's kind of the vibe that I get, I'm really thinking it's not a good idea ... but everyone that I'm close to says if I tell him the truth now than later, he will be able to trust me.

But I don't want him to get real stand offish, or anything. But how in the world would I avoid it? I'm not sure what's worse ... tell him, and him get uncomfortable ... and not care too much for me. Or not tell him, and him find out, and definatly want nothing to do with me?

I'm in a lose, lose, situation.

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And are you sure you're even ready for something new? Are you still hung up on Canada Boy? You shouldn't feel obligated to spend two weeks with the guy. If you are spending time with him while he's here, I'd say it's because you want to.

 

If you wanna tell this new guy, go for it, but I'd prepare for him to be extremely turned off. I would be.

 

Too be completely honest, I'm not hung up on him. In fact, I've honestly spent several hours on the phone trying everything I can think of for him to cancel his flight.

Like I said, I "will" give him the money that he lost in the tickets, and I've told him that several times. He says I should "owe" him this, and I don't really have too much of a back bone. I have a hard time being stern with people, and saying no. I know that's a personal issue of mine, but it's how it is.

Canada guy says he will even fly to the airport anyway, rather I show up or not. I'm not into him, but he is still considered a friend since it's been years, and years, that I've known him. It's kind of hard just thinking about leaving him stranded even though it's his own fault for continuing to go anyway ... I just have this huge guilt trip for both parties.

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If you really don't want him to come then send him the money and tell him that you will not meet him at the airport nor will you spend any time with him. If he comes to your city he will have to look after himself.

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If I were 'new guy' and were either told or found out that you were spending two weeks with your ex I would be gone.

 

Yep, I agree. Most men (and women) don't want to be someone else's rebound, and that's really the best the "new guy" can hope to be if you are going to see your ex for these two weeks.

 

I doubt the visit with "Canada guy" is going to be purely friendly ... when seeing an ex it is so hard not to get caught up in how things use to be and start behaving like boyfriend and girlfriend again. I would be extremely surprised if nothing physical happens between you and the ex, and you can bet he will certainly be trying to romance you!

 

If you really like the new guy, are truly not interested in the ex, and really want things to work with the new guy, then tell your ex that you don't want him to come see you, and that he can do what he wants, but that it will be inappropriate for you to do more than briefly catch up with him while he is in town, and that you will not be hanging out with him for two weeks.

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