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Should I be concerned?


tigerfan88

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I met this guy a week ago on a dating site. We're both 20, and he seems to be a really sweet guy. He's an Army guy, and is stationed 8 hours away from here, but is home on leave for the next couple weeks. We have a lot in common and have been exchanging texts for several days now.

 

Up until yesterday, we hadn't met. Both of us had simply been too busy. There was talk of us meeting yesterday down at my school (where I also work), but I emailed him that morning and told him we should just wait until I could do lunch with him (since he was thinking of coming up while I was working). Well, imagine my surprise when he showed up yesterday, at my work. We spent a couple of hours together (luckily, I work at a job where this sort of thing is OK), just talking while I worked and occasionally poking me in the arm to get my attention when I was turning my attention toward the computer. He brought up the fact that we both like each other, so why don't we date? (he is looking for a long term relationship with marriage potential, which I am certainly open to) I told him I wanted to get to know him better before we took that step--just a personal preference of mine. He seemed to understand. He ended up leaving a little later.

 

So my question is, should I be concerned that he came up here when he knew I had canceled the plans? Is this something you'd perceive as stalker behavior? I know he is who he says he is, and like I said, he's very friendly and very sweet. But I am inexperienced with this sort of thing, so I wanted opinions. Thanks

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It's kinda hard to say. Personally, I would be thrown off due to the lack of respect towards my schedule/preferences, and I'd also question if this a sign that he's overly aggressive or controlling. The "relationship talk" so early on also would be a red flag too. It seems kind of early to be doing these surprise visits, especially after you call the original meeting off.

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Hmm. . .

Personally I wouldn't go visit when the plans had been called off.

He could have sent you a letter or something. . .

Personally I just find that a bit intrusive at this moment and time of getting to knwo each other.

It was only a week.

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I wouldn't have been very happy if he'd shown up just like that....

 

I had this happen to me once before. A guy I'd been chatting with online, travelled a lot of miles to see me and without my being aware of it....and it had so pissed me off, because that is one of my pet hates, people showing up unnannounced and unespected. In my situation, I'd refused to see him! To me, it's like 'stalkerish' behaviour and an invasion of your privacy....

 

It would also concern me, that this guy seems to be rushing you...Bad sign and in my experience. Those who rush and get serious suddenly, are always the ones to depart and disappear, just as quickly....

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I wouldn't have been very happy if he'd shown up just like that....

 

I had this happen to me once before. A guy I'd been chatting with online, travelled a lot of miles to see me and without my being aware of it....and it had so pissed me off, because that is one of my pet hates, people showing up unnannounced and unespected. In my situation, I'd refused to see him! To me, it's like 'stalkerish' behaviour and an invasion of your privacy....

 

It would also concern me, that this guy seems to be rushing you...Bad sign and in my experience. Those who rush and get serious suddenly, are always the ones to depart and disappear, just as quickly....

 

That's what I thought. He even said he saw my message and decided "screw it, I'm going to go anyway." An hour and a half later, and he was here. Do you think he might possibly be so eager because he's going to be leaving in a couple weeks and wants to get something going before then?

 

I'm really conflicted. He seems like a good, sweet guy and he has such a great future ahead of him (he gets out in 4 years, but will be able to secure a great paying job with his experience), not to mention, we have a lot in common. But his being so eager to meet and showing up unannounced sort of scares me.

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I would NOT like it at all especially at work (and this is why it's probably not a good idea to tell strangers where you work). I might give the guy another chance but tell him directly and with seriousness (but not anger) that while you enjoyed meeting him he cannot come to your work or your home unannounced and that if you have to cancel plans there's a good reason and he shouldn't just show up. I really think you have to nip this in the bud if you're going to see him again. I wouldn't see him again if it were me because if he couldn't "get" the simple notion of "sorry I'm busy" or the importance of not disturbing me at work when he has no clue what goes on there, whether it could jeopardize my job -- he wouldn't be for me. But you might be more laid back about such things, nothing wrong with that.

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I would be furious if a guy ignored my request and showed up at my work. Maybe you could just ask him why he decided to come anyways? Then you can gauge whether this is a red flag or not from his reaction to the question!

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I actually only told him I worked for a particular department at my college and he looked up directions himself and managed to find my workplace exactly. In retrospect, I shouldn't have even given him this information and won't do it in the future with other people.

 

I think I'm going to have to have a talk with him. I don't think he's a stalker, as surely he'd realize the negative impact it could have on his place in the Army, but I'm definitely not pleased he ignored my wishes.

 

He tried calling me last night--I had my phone off, so I didn't get it but saw it in my log. Is perhaps all of this a sign of clinginess?

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I actually only told him I worked for a particular department at my college and he looked up directions himself and managed to find my workplace exactly. In retrospect, I shouldn't have even given him this information and won't do it in the future with other people.

 

I think I'm going to have to have a talk with him. I don't think he's a stalker, as surely he'd realize the negative impact it could have on his place in the Army, but I'm definitely not pleased he ignored my wishes.

 

He tried calling me last night--I had my phone off, so I didn't get it but saw it in my log. Is perhaps all of this a sign of clinginess?

 

I don't think the standard is whether he's a stalker. I wouldn't call him a stalker but my standard isn't "unless he's a stalker I'll date him" it's "does he have the same values/on the same wavelength as me when it comes to respect, respecting boundaries, my time, etc".

 

As far as calling it depends again on your sense of things and standards - if he called 20 times in a row we'd probably all agree that was bizarre but otherwise you need to decide for yourself based on your own standards. good luck!

 

also how are you sure he is in the army? did you do any kind of background check on him?

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Yes, he's in the army. I saw his badge/ID and he's in the army network on Facebook, both things that can't be faked.

 

Well, a few days ago, he began talking about sexual things to me. Red flag or not? He actually wants to meet me in a couple days for lunch, but I'm honestly not sure what to do.

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Yes, he's in the army. I saw his badge/ID and he's in the army network on Facebook, both things that can't be faked.

 

Well, a few days ago, he began talking about sexual things to me. Red flag or not? He actually wants to meet me in a couple days for lunch, but I'm honestly not sure what to do.

 

Red flag IMO.

This is why you should make it clear, what exactly it is you are looking for and from the moment you start getting to know a man. He then knows where he stands and what is expected of him, if he wants to be with you.

 

You don't do this by dictating to him what you want/need. Just lightly bring it all up in your conversations and he will get the message sharp enough. If he's a decent guy looking for the same as you, he will stick around.

 

I could be wrong, but I think this guy is rushing things, giving you a false sense of security and with intention of trying to get sex and as soon as he can from you. A wolf in sheeps clothing....so I'd beware.

 

Dont fall victim to another online predator, as many women before you have....including me!!

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Those sound like red flags to me. Don't be afraid to listen to your intuition on these things. I've often ignored mine only to be sorry later. If you have to ask if this is getting too uncomfortable then obviously you do find it to be an invasion of privacy and a disrespect towards you. I would be really cautious about him. After he's come all that way to see you, he might think you owe him somehow especially if he's starting to talk about sex with you.

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