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Girlfriend vs one night stand


annalisa84

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My bf and I recently got back together after more than 2 months apart. During the break up he slept with someone else, one night stand. I cannot even describe how much this hurts me, I feel disguted only by writing about it.

 

Anyway, since we got back together, our sex life is not so good at all. Once a week the most. The sex is good and passionate, but so seldom. And everyone would believe I would hold back, but no, it's the opposite! We do have rough times, cos I find it really hard to believe how someone can leave, screw around and then understand I'm someone special for him. But I also try to appreacite that he's back, cos I do have feelings for him. Anyway, even if I light candles and put music and dress up, smelling good etc.. he just wants to cuddle?!

 

When I confront him, why after getting back together our sex live is so bad, he tells me that as we still have so many discussions, he needs some good moments before making love with me. I find it extremely hard to believe?! How can you %$@%$ someone in the parking lot completely drunk and then tell me you need more time to open up?

 

I just feel rejected and unattractive in his eyes. How can you do something so intimate with a one night stand and then not to me - with someone you'd supposed to love and live together for 2 years?

 

Should I take the hint he's not that into me? Or could there be another explanation?

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I think that your anger is going to push your relationship right back to break-up-town pretty soon.

 

First, understand that he didn't cheat on you. He was single at the time of the one night stand.

 

Second, how did the break up come about? Did he break up with you? It sounds like you have a lot of anger with him and I'm wondering if it's just isolated to this issue.

 

Third, honestly, it sounds like you two got back together too soon. But I'll go into that later after you share a bit more ...

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If you're constantly discussing your relationship, then I can understand why he needs to feel more connected. Constantly analyzing the relationship won't help your sex life at all, much less make him feel conneceted. It starts to feel like a chore after a while.

 

As for the one night stand, he could've done it b/c he was in pain, trying to mask what he was feeling, but either way he was probably detached from her as a person. he wants to feel attached to you but having relationship discussions all the time probably won't make him feel more attached.

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Thanks Ms Darcy! I do feel angry.

 

My bf is 26 and Italian, that might say a lot He left me cos he wasn't sure he'd like to be in a relationship and would prefer to be single. He then partied and screwed around for couple of months and.. came back to me saying that he'd wish to be committed to me now. And to be honest, I do see him trying.

 

I just wished he wouldn't have hurt me like that.

 

I so understand rationally that he didn't cheat and that's why I'm with him. But emotioanlly I cannot accept what he did. And the more it hurts if we have problems in bedroom, cos I feel even smaller than a one night stand.

 

We have both accepted that we got back together too soon, but here we are and I'm trying to figure this out.

 

SO right now my main question is still can I believe him that he cannot open up to me and cannot just $##^ cos I'm not a one night stand? Or is this a serious hint that he's not that into me?

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I can understand why the OP would feel that way, whether they were broken up or not. Someone you love just up and has sex with some random person...but I wouldn't bring it into the relationship, and that's why I think you don't discuss what "went on" after your breakup.

 

I do find it kind of odd that he would just share a night of passion with some random girl and then get back together with you and be disinterested. It's almost as if he really wasn't into getting back together in the first place. The OP is making an effort to bring the passion back, but he seems to not want any part of it.

 

Aaaannd....you just posted this as I posted:

He left me cos he wasn't sure he'd like to be in a relationship and would prefer to be single. He then partied and screwed around for couple of months and.. came back to me saying that he'd wish to be committed to me now.

 

Wasn't sure. I wonder if he is now?

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I think it would be best for the relationship overall if you were to let the one night stand thing go. He was single, and probably did it as a way of coping with the breakup. If you keep bringing it up and trying to have "relationship talks," it can be hard for him to feel close to you because he feels like he's being scrutinized all the time. If him sleeping with someone else is something you don't think you're going to be able to let go, maybe you should start fresh with someone new.

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If he wasn't into you he wouldn't have come back. Sex is just sex when you have no emotional attachment to the person. But with you, there is a lot more to the story than just "doing it". Try not to take offense at him wanting to be more cuddly than have sex right now. Obviously you are still pretty upset. I think once both of you feel like things are right between you it won't be so few & far between.

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Thansk everyone! Especially pinkelephant! I do feel he got his cake and now is eating it as well.

 

And I'm doing my best to rationalize the one night stand and not bring it up. But as Seymore says I cannot understand how can he be passionate with a random girl and not to me?

 

Is this a hint that he still doesn't want to commit? Cos he is trying..

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well we can't read his mind, but the best case senario is that he could realize that sex with that girl was empty and not what he wanted... which is why he came back to you. i'm sure that sex with a one night stand is different than sex with someone you love. i'm thinking this is likely to be the case, if he came back to you.

 

don't force the sex issue. i think you should build up to that kind of intimacy ,anyway...?

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I hope you guys are right that he just wants to be more attached to me, more close to me. I just scared to get hurt again.

 

You see, our sex life before he left was not that magnificent either, cos he had already checked out from our relationhsip and answered personal adds etc. So I really hope his reasons now are different. And I'm just paranoid .

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well we can't read his mind, but the best case senario is that he could realize that sex with that girl was empty and not what he wanted... which is why he came back to you. i'm sure that sex with a one night stand is different than sex with someone you love. i'm thinking this is likely to be the case, if he came back to you.

 

don't force the sex issue. i think you should build up to that kind of intimacy ,anyway...?

 

 

I agree with this. Maybe he is not exactly proud of what he did and he is trying to build the emotional connection with you rather than just having sex for the sake of having sex like he did with his one night stand. I would say that it is better he is taking it slowly rather than banging you like he banged a one night stand. He is trying to rebuild the relationship perhaps by going back to the basics of dating which is about relating and emotional intimacy long before sexual intimacy comes into play.

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Thansk everyone! Especially pinkelephant! I do feel he got his cake and now is eating it as well.

 

And I'm doing my best to rationalize the one night stand and not bring it up. But as Seymore says I cannot understand how can he be passionate with a random girl and not to me?

 

Is this a hint that he still doesn't want to commit? Cos he is trying..

 

I think this where you're mistaken. He wasn't passionate with a random girl.... he used a random girl to get off. He doesn't want to just use you for sex, and that's why he wants to wait until the connection with you is completely back.

 

If you're going to take him back, you're going to need to forgive him for what happened. Not sure if I could do that if I was in your situation though

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Thansk everyone! Especially pinkelephant! I do feel he got his cake and now is eating it as well.

 

And I'm doing my best to rationalize the one night stand and not bring it up. But as Seymore says I cannot understand how can he be passionate with a random girl and not to me?

 

Is this a hint that he still doesn't want to commit? Cos he is trying..

 

Sex does not always equal passion. If the sex with the one night stand girl was so passionate and great, he would be pursuing her right now and not back with you. He probably wanted out of the relationship to try some casual sex, saw he wasn't missing much and went back to what he had. Try not to make a bigger deal of it than it is.

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Thanks for sharing! How old are you both? How long were you two dating before he left? So, when you said he was looking at singles ads during your relationship, do you think he was cheating?

 

Honestly, if he was cheating on you, dumped you to be with other woman, and then had another women, then came back to you, I can understand your anxiety and anger. Your emotions may be telling you something; they may be warning you not to trust him.

 

Do you feel that you can trust him again? You would certainly know better than I.

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I don't think he cheated on me, I believe he didn't have sex with anyone else back then. He did betray me, many ways. For example by answering those personal adds and most likely talking with those girls.

 

And about trust: I do trust him not to sleep with someone behind my back, but I find it hard to trust him in a longer perspective - I'm afraid that one day I come back home and he's gone again, that sooner or later he wants to see what's out there again.

 

Me 25, him 26. Together more than 2 years, living together approx. 1,5 years, broke up for 2 months.

 

Thanks anyone for answering and giving me advise. Rationally I do believe you're right, I cannot compare what we have or what we are trying to have with a pointless ONS. But as said emotionally I find it hard to accept. Knowing what he's capable of akes it so hard to be patient with him..

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Your feelings are perfectly understandable. When someone leaves and immediately beds someone else it is a real slap in the face to the relationship and the feelings that had been shared. Yes, "legally" he was a free agent and could do whatever he wanted...but it does indeed say something about him that he could walk away from a relationship in order to have sex with someone else. On the plus side, at least he didn't leave you for someone else he was interested in. His feelings never wavered from you even though his penis did. In the long run it is the feelings that count most of all because that is what truly makes or breaks a relationship. Sex without feelings does not make for longevity or ultimate happiness. So give it some time and forgive him because not leaving the past in the past will only poison any future you have with him. Instead of focusing on the one night of sex he had...focus on the bigger picture of togetherness that the two of you have...rebuilding the trust and appreciating each other more.

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Thanks Crazyaboutdogs! I should print out your advise and read it every time before I see him. This is exactly why I'm addicted to ENA.

 

I will try to see the bigger picture and understand that what we have cannot be compared to a one night stand.. And I have to stop being so angry and hurt and start appreciating him more.

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What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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