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Do you really want them to be happy?


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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

I feel really evil for feeling this way, but I just don't want my ex to be happy. Just knowing the pain he caused me and how much I still love him. I don't want him to be happy with anyone else, at least not right now because I'm not completely healed. They say when you really love someone you only want them to be happy, even if it's with someone else- not true for me. What's worse is that after the breakup he told me he wants me to be happy, he really does, and I know he genuinely means it...does this mean he doesn't really have feelings for me? I don't know how you can be happy for someone you once loved or still love when they're happy with someone else. Not only that, I have these thoughts about wanting him to become disfigured or losing an arm so he couldn't attract anybody anymore. How evil am I?

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It sounds like you just haven't let go yet. I think that once you do, you won't wish any ill on your ex.

 

Mine left our engagement (nearly 3 year relationship) for an international relationship over YouTube... and I still hope that if it doesn't end up working out for us that she's able to find happiness. If not with this internet guy, then hopefully with someone else.

 

But yeah, I remember thinking those horrible thoughts. The worst one probably being "I wish I had gotten her pregnant." Man, it's horrible to think about now, but I did think it.

 

You're not evil, you're just hurt. I think it's natural to have those thoughts. Just don't act on them.

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I used to think I wanted them to be happy. But now I know I really only want them to be happy with me, and vice versa. It sounds nice to say "I hope you're happy no matter what", but frankly, in reality if you're not with me I don't really give a rip if you're happy or not.

 

But wishing harm on them...that's a little disturbed in my opinion.

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When you reach a point whether 1) you don't care whether they are happy or not or 2) truly wish them the best.... then you know you've completely healed and are ready to move forward with your life.

 

I've been left hard more than once in my life and a couple of guys did really god awful things... but you finally reach a point where you realize that you just waste too much precious energy being concerned with them and let them go... it becomes exhausting... and finally you reach a place where you're finally free from it...

 

One of my ex's that chose to leave me went on for years to keep doing anything he could to make my life miserable.... why??? He had gone on to remarry and have the life he "always wanted without me in it"... so why work so hard to keep me down???

Simple: Happy People Don't Go Around Making Other People Miserable

 

He moved on... remarried... acted happy without me... sorry truth was... he wasn't... and he proved it by making my life a living hell for 2 more years. I'm happy... I have a great life... he can't even make eye contact with me. Am I happy that he is miserable? No... not really... not really my concern...

 

You'll get there.

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It sounds like you just haven't let go yet. I think that once you do, you won't wish any ill on your ex.

 

Mine left our engagement (nearly 3 year relationship) for an international relationship over YouTube... and I still hope that if it doesn't end up working out for us that she's able to find happiness. If not with this internet guy, then hopefully with someone else.

 

But yeah, I remember thinking those horrible thoughts. The worst one probably being "I wish I had gotten her pregnant." Man, it's horrible to think about now, but I did think it.

 

You're not evil, you're just hurt. I think it's natural to have those thoughts. Just don't act on them.

 

Thank you. I'm glad they're natural feelings because I was beginning to feel like a psycho. I lost a little bit of my self-respect during this breakup, I too wished for a second that I had gotten pregnant so that I could "tie" him up somehow. Before this, never in a million years would I have thought that was right, like I said, I think I lost some self-respect. I'm also sad that he can be completely over it that he really does want me to be happy...I'm pretty sure if he saw me happy with someone else he would be happy...not jealous, if it was the other way around I'd be dying inside.

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Thank you. How did my ex get there so quick though? Right after the breakup he told me he only wants me to be happy...and I know he's not just saying it. I think maybe he lost feelings for me long before But I don't understand how, things were so perfect before...he told me how special I was and how miserable he would be if I was out of his life. I'm just so confused.

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I used to think I wanted them to be happy. But now I know I really only want them to be happy with me, and vice versa. It sounds nice to say "I hope you're happy no matter what", but frankly, in reality if you're not with me I don't really give a rip if you're happy or not.

 

But wishing harm on them...that's a little disturbed in my opinion.

 

I know, that's why I feel like a psycho. I'm just really hurt by him.

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Honestly, I think that when you don't want them to be happy, it's not love ruling your emotions at that moment, it's your pride. I'm not saying that you don't love him, it's just natural for pride and hurt to take over during a break up.

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Thank you. How did my ex get there so quick though? Right after the breakup he told me he only wants me to be happy...and I know he's not just saying it. I think maybe he lost feelings for me long before But I don't understand how, things were so perfect before...he told me how special I was and how miserable he would be if I was out of his life. I'm just so confused.

 

Often times, the dumper has been out of the relationship for quite some time, even though the relationship hasn't really ended yet. By the time they work up the resolve to leave, they've had plenty of time to reflect on the situation and get a head start on letting go.

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Thank you. How did my ex get there so quick though? Right after the breakup he told me he only wants me to be happy...and I know he's not just saying it. I think maybe he lost feelings for me long before But I don't understand how, things were so perfect before...he told me how special I was and how miserable he would be if I was out of his life. I'm just so confused.

 

Your ex spent a lot of time before breaking up... thinking about breaking up... he had time to sort his feelings... You did not.

 

And why would anyone break up with someone and say "I want you to be miserable the rest of your life?" Who's that evil? "I want you to be happy", "I want to stay friends"... those are easy lines to say to fill the silence after "I want us to breakup"

 

Most times people really mean those things when they say them... it just gets awkward right after things change so drastically between two people.

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Often times, the dumper has been out of the relationship for quite some time, even though the relationship hasn't really ended yet. By the time they work up the resolve to leave, they've had plenty of time to reflect on the situation and get a head start on letting go.

 

I thought that too, just that it didn't make lots of sense in my case because only a couple of days before everything was so perfect, I could really feel he loved me and meant everything he said. The breakup happened because we couldn't be together, not because someone fell out of love. That's why I'm confused, how can he be over it so quick?

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I thought that too, just that it didn't make lots of sense in my case because only a couple of days before everything was so perfect, I could really feel he loved me and meant everything he said. The breakup happened because we couldn't be together, not because someone fell out of love. That's why I'm confused, how can he be over it so quick?

 

I don't know the specifics of your breakup, but I can tell you that it was the same way in mine, as far as things seeming to be perfect until right at that moment.

 

The only thing I can think of is that she was still weighing her options during that time. She really did enjoy the relationship we had, and that's why things seemed like they were great. But at the same time, there were problems that she was having to deal with and come to a decision about. So while things seemed really great, it's more likely that it was just her having trouble letting go. You might think that would lead to unexpected tears or signs of sadness, but she had no reason to be sad because the relationship wasn't officially over yet.

 

I hope that sheds a little light on your situation. Feel free to PM me if you'd feel more comfortable sharing specifics in that format.

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You'd be surprised...

 

I have a friend who has waffled for 6mo in breaking up with his girlfriend... he doesn't want to hurt her... BUT, he has finally decided he is over it... but is waiting until she gets settled into her new house. She just moved and he wants to help her out and get little things done around the house for her... then he is finally ending it...

 

She will feel just like you "but you were so sweet and helped me move and did all these nice things - you must love me" But, he doesn't and he hasn't for 6mo.

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I don't think I'd ever wish physically malicious things for my ex, but I wish that she would be a happy person eventually. And I don't mean like "I just got my nails done and they did them RIGHT!" happy (although I would have settled for even THAT when we were together), I mean inner happiness, no more torment, bitterness or negativity that would fuel her attitude.

 

At the same time I wish she'd live in regret of losing me forever, but I think that's probably natural to feel. I wish that whatever guys wind up in her future that there's a part of her saying "I remember Seymore. It's never been the same since he left. I had it so good and I screwed it all up."

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I know what you guys are thinking, but it just wasn't like that in my situation. I'm not turning a blind eye, there really weren't any problems in our relationship, we were very happy, other than the fact we knew things had to end eventually. I guess different people have different ways of getting over a breakup, some take it hard, some are stronger. I know he's a very strong person and has a busy life so that's probably why he won't be crying or having such a hard time. But back to the topic, I really wish I get to that point where I'm over him and not having these evil thoughts taking over my brain.

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You feel like this because you aren't properly healed. You feel pain and you want them to feel pain too (not sure about in the physical sense tho) so of course you don't want them to be happy especially if it is with someone else.

 

I can't say that when I have first been dumped I have only wanted happiness for them. There is too much hatred on my part for that. But when you have properly healed and moved on, believe me, you wouldn't care less!

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Like they say - the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

 

Think back to previous exes from years past - what do you feel about them? I look back at an ex I had years ago, and I couldn't care less if she got married or got hit by a train. Ok, the train part I wouldn't wish on anyone, but you get the idea. And maybe down the line I'll feel the same way about my most recent ex. I just can't see it happening very soon.

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At the same time I wish she'd live in regret of losing me forever, but I think that's probably natural to feel. I wish that whatever guys wind up in her future that there's a part of her saying "I remember Seymore. It's never been the same since he left. I had it so good and I screwed it all up."

 

This is something I'll readily admit wishing for as well. And with the way things were with us, I don't think it's too self-centered or far-fetched.

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This is something I'll readily admit wishing for as well. And with the way things were with us, I don't think it's too self-centered or far-fetched.

 

I don't think so, either. I mean, when we were together, my ex was still somewhat hung up on a guy who treated her like crap and even physically hurt her. Imagine how she'll feel down the line about a guy who treated her like a princess.

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Define "happy".

 

Even at the height of anger/resentment, I've never wished physical harm or extreme negativity on anyone I've ever been in a relationship with. As for being happy, I do hope my current ex gets through her issues and baggage enough to recognize what happiness actually is. Otherwise, I'm not going to lie and say I hope she finds a new infatuation, but by that point, I hope to either be at a place where I don't even know about it... or just completely indifferent to it.

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Well, you're not psycho. You're normal and the fact that you could admit it is definite proof.

 

I experienced a lot of pain with my ex and it was all I could do to survive the day. I knew that I wanted to turn this into a positive experience (and god, I wanted to heal) and so I sought therapy through reading. Personally, therapy books annoy me - and my first couple of puchases turned to disappointment. I finally encountered a sample of David Richo's books on Amazon and I was hooked. So hooked that I now own and have read 2x six of his books.

 

For me, it was a spiritual awakening. All this time, I relied on someone else to complete my happiness and I learned just how stealthy, yet overwhelming my ego is. Any time thoughts of unworthiness creep up or lonliness becomes consuming, I go back to the books to read my notes.

 

I now know not only how to be in a relationship with others, but with myself. And yeah, I do hope my ex experiences emotional pain because that will bring him enlightenment to his own ego. We were awful to each other and needed to grow up. And I believe that relationships are fate - you painfully filter out the wrong ones so you're quite prepared when a right one comes along.

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I recently (a few months ago) broke up with my boyfriend, and I have told him since then that I want him to be happy. But to be honest the idea of him being able to be happy without me, or of him being happy with someone else breaks my heart. I broke up with him, but that still wasn't how I wanted the relationship to end, or how I had envisioned it ending, and the idea of him being "over me" is very difficult for me to think about.

 

I don't know much about your ex, Bubalu, but just because he told you he wants you to be happy doesn't mean he isn't upset over the break-up, or would be fine with you dating someone else. I know I said it to my boyfriend because I love him and don't want him to be miserable. And I believe it "in theory", although in reality it would be very painful for me to clearly see that he has moved on.

 

Another interpretation for me is that it is also a way of saying that you are not holding a grudge towards the other person, or feel resentment towards them, and aren't sitting with voodoo dolls and pins hoping he/she burns in hell. I sometimes feel angry at my ex-boyfriend that he didn't try hard enough to make things work, and feel angry that he didn't care enough (in my opinion), but I don't want him to die a slow and painful death ... he's actually a very decent guy!

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I have never felt in any way to hurt any of my ex's.

But for them to be happy and the thought of them being happy without me is a hurtful thought.

Especially when you do nothing wrong.

When you did all the best but someone else from the past gets in the way that they were not over despite all the negativity it would cause if they were back together.

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hey bubalu, well I think it probably stings a little bit when the ex says they want YOU to be happy.... and especially if they leave off with "finding a great guy, just not me", or something to that effect. It's almost like you want to hit them - you are happy with THEM and so it's hard to listen to someone talk like that. Plus it almost suggests that they are more than fine without you in their lives (happy), so for them to say it to you can feel they are being facetious. I don't want my ex to be happy either right now. I want him to be miserable and sad and come back to me because I was the best thing that ever happened to him. But this is unrealistic and sure it hurts, because your ego is hurt and also you still have strong feelings for them and want them back.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. It also seems to me that your bf may not have fully invested in a relationship with you because of the time limit and the cultural issues you were both under. You may have been ok with it and happy to be the romantic, but with guys it can sometimes be different. They won't just let the other person grow on them over time - the girl is either right from the start, has potential, or is simply not girlfriend material. If he wasn't looking for love when he met you, the timing may have simply been off between you two and the break up has nothing to do with you as a person.

 

Upon reflection my ex wasn't looking for a serious relationship from the start, especially with a girl that is not from the same faith and culture. The fact that we lasted so long should be a sign that you two really did have a lot in common, and then he really does care for you! There's nothing you could have done differently to have prevented the breakup. It is very hard to accept this but you can do it I know. I am finding it hard to accept my bf's need to figure himself out, but that's the only thing I can do.

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