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Married folks: Why do you neglect your single friends once married?


Qut81
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20 Sad Friendship Quotes

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Ive had a couple of my friends get married and its the same thing. They slowly pull away from their single friends. And no, its not just me all of their single friends.

 

My friend got married in Jan and is now expecting a child. I understand she cant go out but Im not a party animal. I like to stay in and do chill things too but she doesnt call me or hang out as much. She admitted it during lunch last wkend that when your married you have to accommodate your spouse. Her husband also told her now shes married she cant hang out with anyone without him.

 

So to ppl who are married...do you pull away from your single friends? Is it intentional or do you just not have much in common anymore? Or is it your spouse that is uncomfortable with it?

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Ive had a couple of my friends get married and its the same thing. They slowly pull away from their single friends. And no, its not just me all of their single friends.

 

My friend got married in Jan and is now expecting a child. I understand she cant go out but Im not a party animal. I like to stay in and do chill things too but she doesnt call me or hang out as much. She admitted it during lunch last wkend that when your married you have to accommodate your spouse. Her husband also told her now shes married she cant hang out with anyone without him.

 

So to ppl who are married...do you pull away from your single friends? Is it intentional or do you just not have much in common anymore? Or is it your spouse that is uncomfortable with it?

 

 

That's scary....

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That's scary....

 

Yea I know. They are from diff cultures where the women does what the man says. May not be right but that is how they were raised...*shrug*

Ive known them for a few years and honestly they are prob the happiest couple Ive ever seen. Hes def one of the few good men left out there.

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Well, if her husband told her she can only hang with him and she's obeying him, then there's your answer.

 

I think when you're married or in a serious relationship, it's normal to spend less time with your friends than when you're single, but you're not supposed to cut them out completely.

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Aside from someone telling they can't be with their single friends...

 

Things change especially when you have a child, it's full time. I think I've gone out of my ways to travel down south to see my friend few times in the last two years. Family becomes more important than going out, etc as much as it's healthy for any couple to break away and spend time for themselves too.

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All my friends are getting married and having kids now. A couple of weekends ago I didnt have anyone to hang out with. Usually I can always find someone to go out with but lately everyone has a serious bf, pregnant/kids, or married. I got extremely sad bc I feel this is they way the rest of my life will be. I am going to be home alone while everyone is doing things with their family. Quite depressing.

I feel as tho I am being punished for being single. I guess I just dont understand bc I dont neglect my friends when in a relationship.

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Obviously when marriage and kids come into the picture, the said friend will have less time to spend with you. Especially when pregnant (morning sickness, pains, cramps, tiredness etc...).

 

I know I hang out a lot less with my friends because of that, and that most of their activities are centered around bar hopping and drinking. I cut those out completely but I still go to the restaurant, shopping etc... with them.

It's a matter of priorities. I still think my friends are important although I won't spend as much time with them but try to make that time quality time.

 

If they cut out friends altogether, then that's not healthy imho and I doubt that most people purpousely boycott seeing others.

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My best friend's wife is the same way - I am not allowed to hang out or talk to her husband anymore. It's been 5 years since I saw or had a phone conversation with him. We email now and then but not much. He's deeply depressed and needs a friend, but I can't be there to support him the way he did me when I was in that boat about 7 years ago.

 

It frustrates me as well that married people seem so chained together sometimes that a simple lunch or phone conversation is impossible now. I have a couple of married friends (guys) who can still go out with me now and then, but I find it very mysterious. When I have a BF I don't abandon my friends and social life.

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My best friend's wife is the same way - I am not allowed to hang out or talk to her husband anymore. It's been 5 years since I saw or had a phone conversation with him. We email now and then but not much. He's deeply depressed and needs a friend, but I can't be there to support him the way he did me when I was in that boat about 7 years ago.

 

It frustrates me as well that married people seem so chained together sometimes that a simple lunch or phone conversation is impossible now. I have a couple of married friends (guys) who can still go out with me now and then, but I find it very mysterious. When I have a BF I don't abandon my friends and social life.

Exactly my point.

 

See, thats just not right. I can understand that your female and she doesnt want him to hang out but still. Hes your friend. Has she made any attempts to get to know you?

 

I may not have the healthiest relationships but I always make sure to set aside some time to hang out with my friends, alone. I have another friend who I dont talk to anymore but every single time we hang out her husband has to come. They are both really awesome and cool to hang with, but there are some times I just dont want to be the 3rd wheel. Also, I hate to be negative but most marriages end in divorce. When they break up who do you think they are going to call for support?

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Simply put, most single friends hang out due to the premise of individual boredom and lack of fun activities. Once married, that premise is completely stamped out, unless the marriage has problems. (I would assume real married friends still keep in touch from time to time though.)

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I have the exact opposite problem. I got married last year and I've lost friends because of it. I have had several female friends tell me how they can't or won't talk to me anymore because I am married... =(

 

It's frustrating because my wife is the most level-headed laid back chick you could ever meet. She knows of most of my female friends by name and as long as it isn't a strange name she's never heard before, she generally lets me do what I want.

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Pick me! Pick me! I've been married 6 months, with my husband almost 4 years, we have a newborn. Two days ago I had my (single) friend over for her birthday because her other friends (single and married) all canceled on her for her bday dinner. We offered to go out but also said it would be easier to celebrate at home because of the baby. she loves the baby and was totally enthusiastic about it. It was a lovely evening.

 

A few weeks ago I traveled over an hour round trip - my husband took care of the baby - to help my (single) friend get elected to a political office.

 

I see and speak with my single friends regularly - and they try their best to accommodate me as far as my schedule with the baby (I appreciate it but I also accommodate their schedules whether that be work, gym, dates, whatever). My husband is the same with his single friends. Oh, and we don't differentiate between single and married when deciding on plans - this Saturday we're having two couples over and two single friends (which I figured out now for this post, because I don't differentiate).

 

I have found a few single friends not contacting me as much (and I make a huge effort - and succeed - in not talking about the baby - in fact, I need a break and love hearing about whatever else). I also found I needed to be patient with a few friends who didn't understand that my phone conversation would have to be cut short and quickly if the baby cried or needed me. Most friends were great - two friends really didn't get it but I'll try again.

 

I would not have married anyone who wanted to or tried to control who I could socialize with or be friends with.

 

This was not supposed to be about me bragging -- this post really bothered me and I wanted to stand up and be counted. It's the kind of person I am - - it's the point that if you're a loyal, caring friend and you value and prioritize friends that's not going to drastically change when your life changes - you just find ways to work around the other priorities and you hope your friends are accommodating too. And I can't imagine a truly loyal friend agreeing to marry someone who would undervalue that quality so much as to want his wife to drop her friends just because she's married.

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I just read an article...somewhere....I think it was out of "Real Simple" where one of the writers was talking about how her and her husband suddenly realized that they had no friends and it felt like they were dating again or trying to fill a job position.

 

I've also been told by my family that once you get older, you have a handful of friends no matter how many you had while younger.

 

I find this generally true as the number of friends I have has gone down considerably since going to college. I know a TON more people in college. More people than attended my high school. Yet, I definitely only entertain having a few friends at a time.

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I think the reason that married people have less time for single friends is this:

 

a) People usually have some time set aside that they spend with their parents/sibblings etc. When you are married, that doubles, because you have to spend some time with both sets of parents. So parental claims on our time increase.

 

b) Married people don't usually want to go out and have fun if they know their spouse will have nothing to do that day and will be bored without them. SO they like to do things which involve their spouses more often than not. Going out with single friends often means that the spouse doesn't really know the friends well and therefore feels left out. Going out with coupled friends means that there is another "spouse" or partner present that also wasnt part of the original friendship, so noone feels left out.

 

c) There tend to be a bunch of couply/family things that need to be done in free time that weren't there before. I.e. go through insurance policies and decide on one together. Decorate home (more thought seems to go into your place when its your family home); if there are kids - kids extra-carriculars.. there's just stuff that suddenly needs to be done that you can't ignore or neglect the same way you used to

 

So.. time does get reduced.

 

That said, I LOVE the time I do get to spend with my friends. I cherish it so much. I also try very hard to make sure both my H and I get to spend alone time with our respective friends without each other so we remember what it's like to be just our independent selves.

 

In fact tomorrow, I'm having dinner at a lovely restaurant - just me and one of my female friends and I've asked H to give his boys a call and go out on the town a bit - and we'll meet up afterwards. This is the second time I've done this since we got married but I'm hoping to make it a once a month kind of thing.

 

So yes, you do spend less time with single friends but believe me, you also really miss their company and wish there were more hours in the day to fit everything in.

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Indigo, thank you so much for a well thought out and detailed response. Its sad bc some of my friends that got married and disappeared were really good friends of mine. Its soooo hard to find good friends so when they cant hang out as much then its frustrating. I also, as a friend, need to respect that they have a spouse to accommodate.

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