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some advice anybody?


everyoneis

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hi everyone, i'm new here. i've been going through some tough times, and i could use some advice.

 

i'm coming out of a relationship (it seems i've been coming out of it a million times at this point) that was at first severely co-dependent, emotionally abusive (on both sides), and symbiotic. and then became semi-normal, loving, but bitter because of the previous abuse from each other. we've had so many ups and downs, so much off and on. so much pain. but still, there is a closeness in all of that because of how much time we spent together. nearly two years, every day. pretty much alone. would drive anyone crazy, and we were no exception. she broke up with me in may. i was doing fine with no contact for about three weeks, but i saw her the other night and it was pretty good. she was upset and missed me, and for some reason i listened to my heart rather than my head. up to that point, i had been ignoring her. we spent all night together like we did when we first started dating and kissed. eventually, though, we just got into bickering at each other.

 

for some reason, i feel like it's over now moreso than when we weren't in contact. in the back of my mind, i was hoping i'd see her at a later date when more wounds had healed and then seeing how it worked out. this meetup just wound back the clock and now i'm really depressed. i didn't cry once during the three weeks of nc, but i've cried plenty of times daily since i saw her. i guess i feel like i blew it, so its over. and it probably should be over, but i just keep thinking of how close we were, all of the promises made, etc. typical post-breakup idealization.

 

but how do i stop? i get realllly depressed. so much that i haven't gone to the gym in three days. i went today, but could barely do two exercises because my mind just filled up with depressing thoughts. i had to get out of there.

 

what's my course of action? why do you think i'm so depressed this time around? should i ever talk to her again? i still have feelings for her, but we've had an off/on relationship for nearly two years. it's done some damage.

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Well, it's natural to miss the part that was so much part of your life in the past 2 years. There were obviously good times and that's what you are probably missing.... and getting depressed over. You need time away and NC is the way to go. It's unfortunate you had to see her again and you relapsed, but you can start over.

 

Try to keep yourself from thinking the good things about her, but remind yourself about the bad things about her so that you can stay strong. You broke up for a reason, and you need time to heal.

 

Keep your mind busy with other things.

 

If things remind you of her, SHUT that out! You could do it!!

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I was very much like that. When I was in NC I felt really good about things. I was still hurting but I felt in control as NC was my decision. My ex contacted me after 5 weeks and, long story short, things quickly spiralled downwards in a lot of ways (no arguments as such just a lot of emotion).

 

I have my own theory as to why my emotional state deteriorated and it may be the same for you. I think that I was mostly likely kidding myself that I was doing NC for all the right reasons and that really I was hoping that NC would bring my ex back to me. Clearly he didn't seem to be missing me like I thought he would and that reconcilliation really wasn't going to happen. This realisation made me take a giant leap backwards but I have managed to quickly recover the ground that I had lost and more some.

 

Perhaps the realisation that reconcilliation really isn't the answer for either of you has made you take a step backwards also.

 

Unfortunately, no healing process is without its setbacks but we soon get used to this and start to recover quicker.

 

The other posters are right - all you can do right now is to try to keep yourself busy. It will get easier, I promise. It may take time but as we all know time is a great healer and, believe me, it really is.

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thanks for the replies. i'm so depressed. it hasn't been this bad in a while. so hopeless and full of despair.

 

i know i have to keep busy, but i've been through this so many times at this point that the thought of keeping busy just reminds me of why i'm keeping busy which just depresses me even more. it's so hard not to feel this way. i'm incredibly depressed. i have cried more than ever in the past three days. i'm seeing a therapist, and i started taking antidepressants earlier this month. they seem to calm my anxiety, but i'm still fairly hopeless.

 

i don't have much going for me. my car is busted, so i have to rely on my grandmother for transportation. most of the friends i had before our relationship have either moved or are really not the kind of people i should be around (they do a lot of drugs and i'm trying to stay away from that right now). so i have barely anyone to call. i'm unemployed, and have been looking like crazy for a job. it's just so hard to keep busy. i try to run four times a week and work out five times a week. that really helped when i was in NC before i "relapsed".

 

it just all sickens me. i put so much energy into this and i've been spending the last several months being drained away. i'm only human. i thought what we had was so special, and so did she. we were bad for each other, i know. but knowing that doesn't make this hurt any less. my self worth is so low. i have no confidence anymore. the weird part is that i probably look the best i have in years. i'm getting in better shape and clothes fit me a lot better, but i just don't care. i'm so confused and depressed.

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I really feel for you everyoneis but things can get better and they will get better if you keep on trying.

 

Keep on working out and running as that will help release some anxiety. Keep on looking for work. Work will bring new people and new interests into your life.

 

Do you have any other interests or hobbies? Are there any groups that you could join associated with these?

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