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should i tell him how i feel?


iremember

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I have very strong feelings for a really close friend. I love him but wouldn't say I'm in love.

 

My friend is a gay man and I'm a straight woman. Well, he claimed to be straight at first, then bisexual, and now just gay. He is in a terrible relationship with a guy who treats him badly, hits him, and doesn't appreciate him. I've made it clear to him that I really care for him as a friend (and that I think he needs to get out of this relationship), but he doesn't know of my romantic interest. I've been holding it in for almost a year, and it has become nearly unbearable to not say anything.

 

He told me that he had feelings for me back when he was "straight" (before I had feelings for him). For some reason this type of thing has happened to me A LOT (gay guys liking me before they turn gay). Often I have come to realize I was just a cover, but with this one, I have pretty good evidence that he really did like me.

 

I often wonder if he still has feelings for me. I've seen looks from him that indicate feelings of more than friendship, and he treats me a little differently than everyone else. There was one time that we were standing so close together and I could have sworn he was about to kiss me. But who knows, maybe this is all just in my head.

 

I don't want to mess up our friendship, I'm scared of getting rejected, and ultimately he doesn't fit the requirements of someone I actually would want to spend the rest of my life with (our beliefs are not the same). I know it probably really sounds like a bad idea to tell him, but not telling him is absolutely killing me. I just want to grab him and kiss him every time I see him.

 

I will have a good opportunity to tell him tomorrow and I'm thinking of doing it. I've had these opportunities a million times and every time I've just let them pass by. I get the feeling every response is going to say "don't do it," but I am really going nuts here. If, however, anyone does think I should go through with this (which is honestly what I want to hear), should I tell him or just kiss him? I kind of think kissing him would be better because then it would be harder for him to conceal his feelings if he has them.

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With this type of question: Should I tell him/her that I love him/her? It is easier to arrive at the answer if you simply postpone telling him this secret 1-2 years later. Why? Because true love need no telling. It is felt. You would simply feel what he is feeling for you.

 

Obviously, from your post, you are not sure how he feels about you and telling him can risk your friendship. It just sounds like you're not at the stage where you can tell him you have feelings "for him". You are only at the stage where you can tell him how you feel about love itself and your own expectation in love, and nothing remotely about him. So continue your friendship and confide in him how you feel about love. That would be the best balance approach at this time. Good luck.

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I think what you said makes a lot of sense. However, there are a couple problems. We will be graduating from college in 2 years and we may not see each other again. Also, if I have no chance with him, I would like to know for sure so I can move on. I have dated around this whole time, and I've never developed feelings for anyone else because I'm stuck on my friend.

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It sounds like you're driving yourself crazy over this...and you already know the right answer. I agree with wayoverit's advice. Having this conversation would be awkward at best. And budding relationships aren't negotiated, they are felt.

 

Next time you are "standing so close together and I could have sworn he was about to kiss me," why don't you kiss him? That should give you your answer as to his interest. If he's clearly not, just say "oops, never mind," and the friendship can continue.

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richpart is right. It's only in your best interest to assume nothing. You can't expect him to be all over you once you tell him how you feel. Most times, you may get a bad reaction and so goes your friendship. Two years is a long time. I would suggest you continue to be extra nice to him and simply let your action do the speaking for you. If he doesn't bite, then he's simply not interested in how you feel about him romantically.

 

As for getting over him - easy, open yourself up and find a new target.

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I think it would be fine for you to tell him. I don't think your telling him you love him will destroy your friendship, especially if the reason the feelings aren't reciprocated is because of his sexual preference. Just let him know that you can't help but feel some sense of romantic tension between the two of you, and it's become so overwhelming that you had to find out for sure.

 

I was once hardcore super in love with a girl of whom dated & broke up with me 5 times in a year's time. After each break up I would call her crying, telling her how much I love her, how I want to marry her, blah blah blah blah blah. Eventually I realized that we were meant to just be friends. This was several years ago. Today we are best friends and might even consider each other soulmates and that wasn't ruined by my constant confessions of unrequited romantic love for her.

 

Best of luck.

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I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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