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He gave me a nice birthday gift...


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I posted about my birthday last week here:

 

 

 

Tonight we had a rehearsal/recording session. After our show on 6/12 we all went out for a drink and at one point we were talking about massages, how expensive they were, the craigslist killer, how I had gone on craigslist looking for a cheap legitimate sports massage and found all the "masseuses" who used to advertise on "that" section had moved to the "therapeutic services" section.

 

Anywho, early on tonight he produced a birthday (carrot) cake for me and the bass player whose birthday was two days after mine. They all sang and we blew out two candles. It was sweet.

 

At the end of the session a few people had left and I was packing up my stuff. He came over and handed me a envelope and said "happy birthday". The envelope said "Happy Birthday R!" and inside was a gift certificate for an hour long massage with a massage therapist. I did not look at it right away, I thought it was just a card. A few minutes later I thought I should check it out as I was going to leave and saw that it was actually a gift. I thanked him for it and he said that he had been to this therapist and she was great.

 

As we were leaving, I thanked him again and he smiled and said he hoped I enjoyed it.

 

During the ride home, I really tried to not attach too much meaning to it but he clearly put some thought into this. I know I just need to accept it at face value, it's just a gift. He may have given it to me because he felt guilty. I tried not to let my mind go to "actions speak louder than words" and this was an action. I am trying not to let myself be "confused" but hour long massages do not come cheap (he had to have dropped at least $75-80 in this area for an hour long massage) and to give me such a thoughtful gift...it just seems meaningful after all this time.

 

Thoughts?

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He's a good friend who cares about you. No more, no less. After that you can attach any meaning you like to it. Doesn't make it true. Best to graciously accept it in the spirit of friendship that it sounds like it was intended.

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Of course I am going to use it!

 

I know he wants to be friends, he told me that two months ago. I guess he does want to mend fences as friends. The problem is I still love him so I can't be friends with him. I don't want to know who he is dating or have to meet his new girlfriend. That is not something I want to do....AT ALL.

 

But he is still on link removed.

 

I feel this kind of a thoughtful gift to me is kind of misleading but I do have to accept it at face value.

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No, there is no way I can be friends with him. I still have romantic fantasies about him which have been difficult to squelch with the inability to have NC. They fade and then when I see him again, they start up.

 

And for him to do something like this, just makes it harder. If I had not had to work with him all this time, I would be over it as I would have done NC.

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Ok then, don't dwell on the fact that he gave you a nice gift. Just take it at face value, get a massage, enjoy it for the moment, and move on.

 

I know, easier said than done.

 

Good luck! You're a good person and I enjoy reading your threads. I get a lot out of reading them and want to be able to give you good advice too.

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Dumpers don't realize what this kind of gesture can do to a dumpee. Sigh. I think I would think twice, if I were the dumper, that giving such a thoughtful personal gift might mislead the dumpee....and I would not give such a gift, if I knew how hurt the dumpee was by the break up. He knows how hurt I was by our conversation two months ago.

 

I think I'm going to assume this particular action is about HIM and his guilt. This is my safest bet. His 50th birthday is in one month so I have no idea how I'm going to acknowledge it, or if I even need to. Do I need to?

 

Well, at least I got a massage out of it, and I do need one. But this is certainly not paving the way for me to be friends, as I don't want to know who he is dating and that is what "friends" is all about, right?

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I've been in this situation before, being the receiver, like you are. I just thought of it as a "parting gift". Worked for me. I still went on to be friends with those people. Always stayed in touch. Sometimes you know when somethings over but if they've always been a good friend then there's no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater kinda thing.

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To keep it in perspective, remember that he is a grown man who is perfectly capable of asking you on a date if he wanted for things to get romantic with you again. Unless he does that, everything else means he's just being friendly (or guilty).

 

It is not fair, but the person who 'gets over it' first usually just wants things to go back to being friendly and no tension and hopes that you'll get over it becuase it is easier that way (and less guilty).

 

But if you're not over it, then remember that you can define any lines you want. So if you don't want to be close or friendly, then just ignore his birthday, or do whatever you would do for the birthday of anyone else in your singing group.

 

Also, you can participate with rehearsals and shows for the group, but you don't have to go to social events with him afterwards or at other times. You might want to avoid that until you're feeling better about it, since it sets up situations like this which can be painful if you still have feelings for him.

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Yes, I've been thinking about it and he has told me in the past he very much believes in karma. The depression and tough times he went through last year he felt was due to bad karma from the way he behaved in his prior relationship.

 

So this gesture may have been an effort to clear more bad karma he feels he may have incurred from the way he behaved with me. Just speculation, I know.

 

He is a grown man but as our colleague pointed out, we've been through this twice and my colleague said (jokingly) that it's "illegal" for him to try with me again. I guess if he wanted another chance he would let me know but he may fear he would just be shot down....

 

And perhaps I would be a fool to give him another chance anyway...why go for three strikes you're out?

 

Still he does seem to have put a fair amount of thought into this...only time will tell I suppose. But I know I have to assume he just feels guilty and wants to be my "friend".

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Hmm. I would just accept the gift, I mean, that sounds awfully nice of him. Not all dumpers fit in the evil category, you know. Some of them, yes, they do feel guilt for hurting you, but wouldn't you want that instead of an ex who doesn't give a hoot about you anymore? That would hurt even more, I would think.

 

As for his birthday, why not just send him a text? You don't have to hear him or see him, just "Happy Birthday xx" and him saying "Thanks!" and then you leave it at that. Simple.

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I did accept the gift and I thanked him for it.

 

He thought I was "over it" and found out I was upset after he brought a new girl around to our show in late January, and called me to "hang out" a few weeks later. This was the first time he had approached me to "hang out" as "friends" since he broke up with me and it seemed like awfully strange timing. We had a phone discussion about it in late March and I got a bit emotional, telling him that it had been not an easy situation for me, having to work with him, and that it seemed like odd timing that he would call me just 2-3 weeks after he was openly canoodling with another woman, and clearly they went home together that night. As far as I know, he is no longer seeing her.

 

So I think he probably has felt guilty since. Yeah, it's nice of him but I think the gift is more about HIM than it is about ME. He's trying to feel less guilty and clear his karma. I cried last night because he truly has no idea how awful the last 10 months have been for me. It's gotten better but would have been so much better with No Contact but I decided I was not going to quit over him.

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Trying not to think about this but obviously I am. I talked to a single male friend about it over the weekend and his response was "he's stirring the pot" and it does feel that way. My friend also said that he would never give something like that to an ex if he did not still have feelings for her. But that is just one man's opinion...

 

I am sticking more with that he feels guilty and that this action was self serving if he is trying to keep me on the back burner.

 

I hope when I use the massage coupon that I can truly relax and not think about WHO gave it to me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi, Rap!

 

I haven't been on here for awhile, and I looked up your recent posts because I was curious as to how you were doing. I was a little bit sad to find that you are, to some degree, still clutching at straws with this same guy. (You are analyzing an e-mail which is clearly devoid of any real affection and is all business, and you are concerned about responding versus not; you are wondering about his big smile and, more reasonably, his gift.) Part of it is definitely his fault - a massage is not a "professional" gift, and he seems to derive some sort of pleasure out of keeping your affections, despite not really wanting them. (SICK.) Also - and this is b*tchy - he thinks "band" is a proper noun. (Or else you deleted a word for privacy's sake, which would make sense. Ha.)

 

I sort of feel like any message that includes the term "real drag" is sort of patronizing. Man, R, it would be a "real drag" if you couldn't come out tonight (but then I could ogle young women, guilt-free). Gosh, R, it would be a "real drag" if you and I couldn't be friends (because then my security blanket would be taken away). Gosh, _ , it would be a "real drag" if you developed a serious body odor problem and middle-age acne, rendering you appalling to the opposite sex forevermore. Not that I would wish that on anyone...!

 

I know that late bit is sort of silly, but there's nothing in any of his stuff to give you any hope, as I think your friend and band mate has pointed out.

 

I know how you feel about this idea, and I've already said this a million times, but...how NECESSARY is this band to you? I think you should look back over your posts, journals, life, etc and figure out exactly how long you've been saying, "I'll wait and see how I feel before I decide to leave the band." I did that recently with a personal problem, and it was scary how long I was "stuck" in limboland...1 and a half years! Don't hold your breath for a long time, like I did. Either use the longevity to dislodge yourself from the bad place, or, you know, physically dislodge yourself from the bad place - rehearsal, with a man who broke your heart.

 

I'd like to hear your thoughts on these ideas, but I don't want to make you dwell. I hope you had a swell birthday!

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