I hate porn.

[amsterdam]

My husband's porn addiction is driving me nuts. Once he really broke down and cried and said he was totally addicted to it, now he's back to saying it's no big deal. I hate it more than you could ever imagine. We had our first counselling session and the counsellor observed that he did not want to stop. So what the hell. I'm stuck.

[melrich]

So what the hell. I'm stuck.

 

You are never stuck. You always have options.

 

You just started with the counsellor...give it a chance. Porn addiction is widely recognised as one of the more difficult addictions to break.

[kevinm]

Why do guys need porn when they are with someone? This will never make sense to me. I'd much rather ravish my lover in bed then watch two strangers on tv. Big red flag in my opinion.

 

-Kevin

[rosephase]

All you can work on is yourself. You can't MAKE him stop. You can work on letting go of the anger. If he won't stop, and you want to stay with him you have a choice. You can be hurt and get more angry at him everyday or you can try and deal with it. You can try and let go of some of the way it makes you feel.

[amsterdam]

Yeah, I really need to let go of the feelings. I have this thing that repeats in my mind when we have sex, that he's disgusting pig, that he has no control, etc. I need to get rid of it because it's really not helping. So just now I said, "don't you care about the way it makes me feel?" And he said, well, it's not like you think very much of me anyway.

 

Yes, I know, we have issues. Thanks to everyone who responded. It's so comforting to be able to come here and talk about it and have people listen and respond.

[rosephase]

Well, try to let go of it and work on the other issues. I swear as other things get better and easier you might find new ways to make you both deal with the issue better. Just don't give up on him, and don't give up on yourself.

[amsterdam]

I just looked at your blog and I have to know -- what do you think of porn? And porn addiction?

[Maroney555]

Don't give up on him.

 

My fiancee was a porn/sex addict when we first got together. We would have sex multiple times a day and I would go to work and he would masterbate. He never understood how it made me feel and why I was so dissappointed. It was a long haul of trying to "deal" with it, but a year later he RARELY looks at porn. Last time was like 2 months ago and the time before that was 9 months.

 

We installed this program on all of our computers called x3watch. It basically monitors the actions and reports any questionable sites to an "accountability partner." My SO and I chose each other (not that I even looked at porn, but I wanted him to see that I was being supportive and willing to give up certain privacies to help him. It was hard at first seeing the sites with the dates and times attached, but I found that the best techniques that helped him stop looking at porn was when I would forward his report back to him and write something on top like: "Better luck next time, I still love you."

 

Your husband seems to have insecurity problems and lacks self confidence through your guys' relationship. Without delving in, those might be something to address. Your husband needs to see that that is what is ultimately breaking your marriage. You need to look at actions or expressions you might be sending him to make him feel inadequate.

 

Another note for the x3watch: Make sure he knows you put it on his computer...especially if you choose to be his "partner." I made that mistake and sneakily put it on, of course I called him out on sites, he immediately took it off and NO progress was made. Discuss it as a possibility and why you would want to and maybe even say that YOU don't have to b e his partner for it...maybe your counselor would be a wise choice...or if you are religious, a pastor from church....?

 

I really hope this post helps. Porn is a delicate subject for me as well and it was something I had to deal with. If you really love him, don't give up. Addictions can be broken with time and lots of love and support.

 

Good luck.

[Kantriakhor]

Just don't give up on him,

 

He seems to be doing enough giving up on the issue if he has recanted saying it's a problem. Hopefully counseling will work but don't sacrifice your life for someone who refuses to admit there's a problem. Sometimes it's too toxic to live with like drugs or gambling or food addictions, especially if they don't want help and don't see it as a problem.

 

Best of luck OP.

[lucidloser]

I don't know a whole lot about addictions...but I know that they're transferable.

 

He may not actually be "sex-obsessed", he may just want SOMETHING pleasurable, or distracting, or something he knows he can go to. And it just happens to show up in sexual things.

 

Maybe if he started trying something such as running or working out when he gets the urge? Some other form of "addiction", but in a good way.

 

Who knows, if it was impossible for him to have access to porn or anything, perhaps his addiction would come out in another form such as drinking or gambling. Perhaps it's not really about the sex. Maybe he just needs a way to manage his emotions/mood.

 

I think he doesn't *want* to give it up because it's his safety net, something he knows he can do and it will distract him and change up the mood. But the fact that he's even going to therapy with you shows that he DOES want improvement in your relationship. With time and understanding, and if you both find another way for him to distract himself, I think you can get past this and he will do it less and less, until it is an issue of the past.

 

Just let him know you're trying to understand how he's feeling, as well. Be in it together.

 

Good luck!

[COtuner]

Why do guys need porn when they are with someone? This will never make sense to me. I'd much rather ravish my lover in bed then watch two strangers on tv. Big red flag in my opinion.

 

-Kevin

 

Or why do guys need to have fantasizing and dirty emails when they could actually have the real live woman? Similar train of thought...

[d24]

Why do guys need porn when they are with someone? This will never make sense to me. I'd much rather ravish my lover in bed then watch two strangers on tv. Big red flag in my opinion.

 

-Kevin

 

when women are uneducated about how often men need/want to get release, or when they are unwilling or unable to keep up with their husband's desires/sexual demands and they are resorted to masterbating.

 

men are visual and, for the majority, porn helps.

 

there's no great secret, it's common sense.

 

you want him to stop looking at porn so much? Have sexual contact with him more often - he's obviously feeling sexually deprived to a point where he feels DIY is the only option.

[crosewood]

breaking down one day and then dismissing it the next - yup, sounds like an addiction. you are going to counseling as a couple right? maybe he also needs counseling as a sex/ porn addict. his addiction is clearly getting to you and your husband needs to do something about it.

 

 

My husband's porn addiction is driving me nuts. Once he really broke down and cried and said he was totally addicted to it, now he's back to saying it's no big deal. I hate it more than you could ever imagine. We had our first counselling session and the counsellor observed that he did not want to stop. So what the hell. I'm stuck.

[amsterdam]

We're back to him looking at it every day. You know what I think when I see the sites he's looked at? I think he's a filthy disgusting pig. It's disgusting smut and he's a disgusting limp- * * * * pig for looking at it. Yeah. I hate it.

 

I used to have a good sex life before I got married. Then I met my husband, who would more often than not prefer to DIY than to have sex with me. The counselor thought he probably has low testosterone or something. Well, that is, the counselor we were seeing who 1) took our insurance, 2) was close by, 3) is male, 4) has a specialty in treating sexual problems, and 5) has a Christian background (but does not insert religious side to the counseling sessions, which is perfect for my husband since he is not a believer.) But my husband says he doesn't like him and wants to find a new one. One who I have to find by making phone calls, checking with our insurance, scheduling, etc. What a pain in my ass.

 

anyway he says he wants to quit and wasn't really trying before, but now he wants to try. I'm about to the point where I'm going to tell him that he can either have sex with me or look at porn, but not both. But I don't know what the answer is. afreaking nightmare.

[DesperateWife]

Sorry about your troubles. My husband has a major porn addiction too! To the MAN that said your husband will stop if you put out more THAT IS A LIE!!!!! If he is an addict you will never be able to fulfill him. Mine just confessed to me that he hired a prostitute back in September. This is the final stage of addiction-acting out with others. We had an awesome sex life until I started finding his stashes and hearing his lies. Now, I have to decide whether or not I want to stay with him. I have been tested for all of the std's and have a polygraph scheduled to see if he has only went outside of the marriage once. It is a sucky situation-I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[samantha20]

Do you think that maybe you could accept it to a certain extent? Like maybe let him look at it now and again but say you can't handle it all the time. If you reach a compromise it might help. I think that banning it all together will make him want to do it more because we always want what we can't have. It's like being on a strict diet just makes you want to eat more.

 

I can understand how him being obsessed with it is kinda creepy, but is now and again so wrong? It's a natural urge to have and most men (and a lot of women) like it. As long as it isn't illeagal, sick stuff then maybe you could compromise with it?

[DesperateWife]

Samantha- No a little porn is not good, natural, or safe when it comes to the person being a sex addict!

 

There is a big difference between people that look occasionally and sex addicts.

 

 

I never had an issue with porn prior to be married to this SEX ADDICT. When they are in "remission" for lack of a better word and then take a peek it can turn into a full blown, go out and have unsafe, deviant sex. Sex addicts cannot under any circumstances just look a little bit.

[Naydrus]

Forgive me if I come off like a rotten person,I'm in the law field and have trained myself to try to see both sides off the story.

First off,what kinda of women are you?

Do you take good care of yourself? You know dress nice,try to stay in shape etc..?

Are you good in bed? You know,do you just lay there and take it or are you more "lively"?

What kind of porn is he into? Maybe he watches the kind of stuff you either won't do or he thinks you won't do,like group sex or something.

 

Maybe he has fantasies he wants to share with you but is to scared of your reaction to share with you,so instead he watches it on the net and fantasizes about it alone.

You two are'nt working together,and thats the biggest road heading to disaster here.

 

You're basically telling your husband,"you're broken and need fixing" without really finding out why,and more importantly not really trying to help fix it.

You're complaining about calling to find counselling,why?

If it was a crack addiction and he was spending all your mortgage money I bet you'ld be burning up the phone lines trying to find him help.

[hexaemeron]

OP, I hope what I'm about to say will help you in some way. I'm going to try to break this down, so please bear with me.

 

Men... are not women. We do not perceive the world as you do. We, in large part, do not value the same things, the same way as you. You married a MAN, and just like men have to deal with largely overemotional, utterly-befuddling women, so must women deal with their largely sexual, utterly- befuddling men.

 

And I keep hearing how disgusting and vile you think he is. Why on EARTH should he feel in any way desire to pleasure you with that kind of attitude? I wouldn't go anywhere near someone who thought I was a.. oh, what was it... lemme go back and look.... Oh, yes, a dirty, disgusting, vile pig.

 

I am not saying these things to hurt you, or to be contentious, but to illustrate your opinions and actions as they likely affect your husband.

 

You cannot expect your husband to be someone that he is not. You cannot expect your husband to have any desire to be close to you when you're frankly acting like a frigid hag. And I'm sure you're not a frigid hag. But that's surely how you're coming accross here.

 

Instead of him having to completely change to accommodate you (and honestly, who said you were the one right in the first place?), why don't you both compromise? You could accept it maybe if it was tasteful and you guys could share it together. Both of you are evolving and growing together instead of throwing down edicts like a harpy.

 

Seriously. Examine your actions and attitudes. You love your husband and it sounds like he loves you. Remember that.