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Has anyone had this happen?


mad rabbits

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I've posted my story here before but I don't have time to look for the thread right now (I'm at work) but I just need to vent!

 

In a nutshell I broke up with my ex because I had too...he was becoming distant...additionally the situation was beset with problems and not going anywhere so I was forced to throw the towel in even though I thought I loved him. It was also LDR by the way...

 

He INSISTED I not delete him from my life. I deleted him off facebook and messenger TWICE and re-added him at his insistence, he said "I understand completely that you want to ends things and I'm not arguing with you but I still think your lovely and smashing and please don't purge me or at least please be my friend."

 

So I re add him. Talk to him on webcam last Sunday. Feel like I'm stong enough to maybe be his friend as I know he is going through a bit right now (financial ruin amongst other things). He says he would like talk again later in the week.

 

Never hear from him again.

 

I feel...angry...duped! Like he's made a fool of me AGAIN. Should I feel this way? Why did he do this? Does he really feel the need to play games with my feelings to this extent? Or is it not about me? Can anyone find a more charitable interpretation of this scenario?

 

I don't want to hate him. I want to let go.

 

I am so tired of the bitterness eating me to pieces. I have had several relationships end in this way now...where I was FORCED to end it by the other person because they were too cowardly to do it themselves and maybe wanted me on a string until they felt completely sure about things...its a crappy way for things to end and leaves you feeling used, and like a right idiot!

 

Any solace or advice MUCH appreciated!

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It may be that he's simply lost interest in friendship. It may also be that now that you're friends, he doesn't feel the need to contact as frequently. It may also be that he's trying to regain some of his sense of power back by 'dumping you back.' Whatever it is, it's a sign that you need to delete him from your life completely (again) and keep it that way so that you can move on.

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Thankyou Ms Darcy.

 

I agree that it is well and truly time to move and put this behind me. Here is my dilemma: I actually promised him I wouldn't delete him again because he seemed to care at that point. Now I know it seems silly, but I am a person of my word. I think my option is to leave him there, but ignore him, right? I don't think I'm going to hear from him for a while, so "ignoring" shouldn't be too hard. I'm getting quite good at not looking at his facebook page.

 

If I really don't even hear from him again then deleting down the track seems a fine thing to do. But If the friendship does matter to him down the track and he can find it in himself to stop playing games and just have a neutral type of online friendship, I would like that. I have left on bad terms with too many exes and I am just kind of tired of it. I reignited a friendship with another ex recently and I have to say it made me feel better...some of the biterness lifted off my shoulders.

 

What do you think?

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I am biased in this since almost the same happened to me, except he dumped me and he begged me to be friends. Really, you dumped him, so why would you worry about talking to him, especially on your terms? Sorry if that's mean or * * * * * y in any way, I'm just currently tired of those who can't handle the fact that the dumpees have every right to reject you... just like the dumpers reject them.

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Well doizee, I do understand what you saying. Although I don't think I am clear-cut the dumper in this situation. I was forced by the situation, and by him, to do this.

 

However, you are right in that I must not concern myself with talking to him, now that this decision has been made, one way or the other, whoever actually made it (me or him)

 

Do you mind explaining briefly what happened in your situation? He dumped you and begged to be friends but then you never heard from him?

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You are clearly not over your ex yet if his actions, or lack of, bother you so much. Send him a message that says that you would like to be friends in the future just not right now as you are still moving forward emotionally. Then delete him for now until you really are ready.

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I am so tired of the bitterness eating me to pieces. I have had several relationships end in this way now...where I was FORCED to end it by the other person because they were too cowardly to do it themselves and maybe wanted me on a string until they felt completely sure about things...its a crappy way for things to end and leaves you feeling used, and like a right idiot!

 

Any solace or advice MUCH appreciated!

 

try not to feel so bad about that last part. the fact that you've been pushed into ending things has nothing to do with you. it reflects on self-rejection...of the guys in question. i know it sounds lame...but i've been that guy on a couple of occasions. it took the most recent instance for me to acknowledge that the problem was with ME. it doesn't feel any better to be on the other side. have to agree...it's a pretty crappy way for a relationship to end. hope you never run into it again.

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Hi 90 hour sleep, can you clarify what you mean by it reflects on self-rejection of the men in question?

 

I really want to try and find a generous interpretation for this guy's behaviour. I find it hard to accept that he did this deliberately to hurt me, but that is what I have been thinking.

 

He has always been very much about control. There was evidence during this relationship that he enjoyed pushing my buttons because it made him feel powerful, and he is really very insecure underneath it all. I believe he did this partly because he is moving on, partly because he no longer cares, partly to spite me. That last part is what is hard to swallow. I can sort of accept the rest.

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Bad, I wasn't trying to blame you in any way. My ex tried to get me to break up with him because he saw a dead end when really, life sucks, and everyone goes through issues. I refused to break up with him after he was short with me for a few weeks. But I did confront him after our last stupid fight and he basically gave me the cop out break up excuse. He begged to remain in my life, I decided to stand up and say no, since it was on his terms and really, he should have known that I am not the person that can be walked over. For the first few days, I did the stupid posting a message on my board apologizing etc... but I have been NC ever since. He checks my myspace, blog, and youtube often yet does not contact me.

 

What I want to say is that regardless if you dump or you're the dumpee, no one should expect anything from the other since the relationship is over.

 

90 hr, if you could also explain the self rejection part, that would be beneficial for many that are facing this situation

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Hey doizee, I think our situations are very similar. We are neither quite dumper nor dumpee. We lose the benefits of dumper, because we did not decide. We lose the benefits of dumpee, because the they pretend it is our decision and absolve themselves of guilt.

 

But at the end of the day, it is over, so we must stop caring. I know he is not here posting about how messed up he feels!

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to badhabits and doiiiieeezie:

 

i apologize if this is a little long-winded...

 

i won't suggest that this issue is affecting the guys in question. i only know what i've discovered about myself. keep in mind that this is fairly new for me, and i've still got a long ways to go. i'll try to explain as best i can in reference to myself.

 

i've been doing some relationship reading of late. the book in question jumped out at me because of it's title: ''receiving love''. there is undeniable evidence in my case that this has been a problem for me for a VERY long time.

 

the basic premise suggests that when we are young, we are very prone to wounding. it talks alot about childhood nurturing (or lack of) and how early experiences with caretakers shape the way we will behave throughout our lives. still working on discovering some of the specifics, but what i've discovered so far has proven to me that i was wounded when i was young. this isn't to suggest that my parents were negligent, or that what they did or didn't do was intentional. i know it wasn't; but, that's beside the point. there were times when i needed specific nurturing, and i just didn't get it.

one specific example has to do with receiving love from my parents. i am consciously aware of being very hesitant about this from the time i was about seven years old. anyway, the book describes the result of this as creating a ''split''. it's basically a part of me that i've repressed, or discarded because i feel it opens me up to future wounding. over time, it's become very engrained. i've actually come to feel sorry for the women i've been with, because it's greatly impaired my ability to receive what they have offered, and, consequently, my ability to REALLY give back in return. it's not a good feeling, trust me.

 

getting back to the ''split''. basically, every time i have been wounded, i've moved the particular skill or emotion that is being threatened into an unconcsious place within me. they're still there, but i no longer draw from them in a proactive way. there are certain behaviors that have become habitual for me that act as substitutes...or more accurately, ways to avoid the original behavior that i associate as dangerous...or having the potential to wound me further.

 

specific behaviors i've adopted: defensiveness. this has been one of my strongest allies (or so i used to believe). it's made me very reluctant towards confrontation. i'll defend my beliefs, however irrational (and MANY of them were...still are). the book describes three specific defenses: controlling, self-absorbed, and symbiotic (i'll explain this one). controlling doesn't need any explanation. for myself, this came in the form of micromanaging pretty much all aspects of my life. it turned me into a perfectionist. i would almost have described myself as mortally afraid of criticsim. i think others would agree that when you're in a state of control, you're much less susceptible to being hurt. i've gone to great lengths to control the details of relationships in an attempt to avoid confronting the things that hurt me. becoming self-absorbed is a bit of a side-effect of this kind of behavior. i stopped seeing the potential for growth within my relationships. i didn't perceive them as safe to do so. it's really unfortunate, because i'm quite conscious of how much this has hurt the people i've been with.

 

symbiosis: my interpretation of this is the process of integrating another person's thoughts, behaviors, and actions into something in-line with my own.

it can be just about anything. it's like assimilation. the more you become alike, the easier (in the mind of the one who is symbiotic) it is to control

the situation...the less likely you are to be confronted with issues that may threaten you...or potentially hurt you.

 

so, basically, the process of wounding and ''splitting'' creates an unconscious void...where the parts of myself that i've rejected are pushed away. for myself, my daily life in the past year or so has been lived in an attempt to fill the emptiness (the missing, rejected parts). those attempts were most focussed on my work. i also started smoking at that time. these were the things that gave me temporary reprieve from the empty feeling. my own tendency was to become obsessed with anything that would make me feel better (self-absorbed). i'm starting to learn that these behaviors lead to the whole self-absorbtion phenomenon. it's a constant battle to just feel good. these things DON'T make me feel good though. it's almost like by embracing more self-destructive behavior, i'm making it more possible to deny the things that are REALLY missing, and that will REALLY make me feel better. these behaviors also lead to a moderate depression (which i won't get into at this point).

 

in short, i became so intent on defending the rejected side of myself, that i was very much incapable of receiving anything (from anyone) that would threaten my defenses. most particularily for me, taking compliments of any kind was a huge thing. accepting that another person could LOVE me just for ME...seemed crazy. essentially, anything positive that i was offered was either manipulated or shot down entirely. it was rejected because it threatened to awaken the parts of me that i'd been working my whole life to push away.

 

i don't know if any of this makes sense...but the guys you are both describing seem to be acting very much like i've acted in the past. they want desperately to be with you, but at the same time they feel very threatened by that. they'll go to great lengths NOT to be rejected by you...but at the same time they reject the most prescious gifts you have to offer (it sounds totally CRAZY...i know). i should note that for me (and what i've gathered from others) this rejection tends to be unconscious. there might be an awareness that something just isn't right...but to accpet that is to allow the rejected side to surface.

 

that's the general gist of it. there are many things i've missed. if you have any questions...or if something needs clarification...let me know. any feedback is appreciated...as i'm still trying to figure this out for myself.

 

cheers.

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Thanks for clarifying 90 hour sleep. That does sound indeed like a few men I have been involved with. I am not sure why but I have always attracted men who are either "distancers" or "engulfers"...and strongly one way or the other. Usually I can't tell this about them at the start. But I have had two relationships ending with the guy stalking me. The ones I have had subsequently, I have been isolated and neglected by the other person. It was this type that did the "projecting" game. They behaved worse and worse towards me until I was forced to do "the deed." I believe it is because they don't want to face the reality that they are letting myself and themselves down in the relationship by not putting their all in, nor having the strength to get out. I grew up with a very absent father by the way. He has bipolar and for many years was unmedicated. I understand these things now but I didn't as child. You can't blame someone who is sick.

 

As it happens, this morning out of the blue I received an email from the ex. First time I have heard from him in over a week. He said he is on his last 50 pounds and has no work. He didn't mention or explain his absence but he is making clear that this is not about me. His life is falling down around him and I must forgo my selfish attachment to him and let him get on with rebuilding. I feel a lot better.

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the projection phenomenon is interesting. i'm developing a vague understanding of it myself. in reference to my reading...it's suggested that the things we reject in ourselves have away of coming out as projections on another person. with my most recent ex, i had a way of critisizing her dependence on her family. i'm beginning to understand that this was very much because of my own rejected desire to feel close with my own family. we're somewhat estranged at times. we don't share the close loving bond that my ex's family shared. this is something i was conscious of to some degree...but never really connected the dots with. it's starting to make sense to me though. there is a lot of support to back up this particular belief.

it's also shed some light into the difficulties i've had in expressing my love. again, my most recent ex always had a strong desire to express herself verbally. i've NEVER placed much emphasis on that aspect of love (very much an engrained pattern of behavior). i always had the overwhelming urge to defend my beliefs....always critical of that which didn't fit into my own realm of thinking. i've struggled with the idea that this may have been a conscious choice....an attempt to push because i simply wasn't feeling the love. but that's the catch...the love was very much apparent to me throughout the relationship (six years all together). i dont' believe myself to be capable of that kind of deliberate (intentional or conscious) behavior. i don't know what person would consciously choose to be in misery that way.

 

i also find it interesting that you reference your father...and the fact that you choose partners who may share similar behaviors to him. this is apparently very common as well. we unconsciously choose people who will be able to heal our childhood wounds...people that mirror problematic caretakers in some way. i find the whole idea interesting.

 

i'm beginning to look forward to new relationships...and the potential they offer. the greatest healing power comes in the form of intimate relationship.

it comes through meaningful dialogue that allows us to feel safe. in this way...wounds as old as we are can be mended. i've already put this to practice in other non-romantic relationships. it's a process of validation and empathic connection. i think i'm starting to understand what it means to have another person complete me. it's not in the sense that i can't live without that person, but more that there is the potential to become emotionally whole again. it gives me a warm feeling inside to know this potential.

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