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Best friend puting bf above me


Anusha

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My best friend never can go out with me on weekends because of her bf.Every time I ask her she says she cant because she will meet her bf and she never invite me to come along with them too.They are together for 5 years and I never been out with them,to me that is weird.I cant see the big deal in her telling her bf that she cant see him because she will go out with her friends.Im not asking her to do that every weekend,I know that is the time they have to be together but couldnt she divide? Like sometimes she spend with him and other time with me? What are your thoughts about it?

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It is understandable that she wants to spend time with her boyfriend most of the time..but to never spend a few hours with you on a weekend is ridiculous. I have married or attached friends who take the time to get together with friends even without their partner around. I bet if your friend splits with her boyfriend she will suddenly want to hang out with you. I would start removing yourself from this friend and keep interactions with her at a minimum. She wants to be a universe of two then let her...you will find your own way.

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Yeah, how strange that in 5 years you've never had a meeting with them. Not even a meal or drinks or something.

 

Have you ever seen this bf?

 

I guess all you can do really is let her be and do your own thing. That, or talk to her about it. But who knows about that, that's a roll of the die in this situation sometimes.

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It is understandable that she wants to spend time with her boyfriend most of the time..but to never spend a few hours with you on a weekend is ridiculous. I have married or attached friends who take the time to get together with friends even without their partner around. I bet if your friend splits with her boyfriend she will suddenly want to hang out with you. I would start removing yourself from this friend and keep interactions with her at a minimum. She wants to be a universe of two then let her...you will find your own way.

 

She says we can go out during the weekdays but that isnt much good for me because we have to go at night then and I dont like to be walking on the streets and taking buses at night,is kind of dangerous here.And it fells like she just go because she doesnt meet her bf those days.But on weekends when she has to chose between me and him she always chose him.

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Yeah, how strange that in 5 years you've never had a meeting with them. Not even a meal or drinks or something.

 

Have you ever seen this bf?

 

I guess all you can do really is let her be and do your own thing. That, or talk to her about it. But who knows about that, that's a roll of the die in this situation sometimes.

 

Yes I saw him twice.On the day she meet him I was with her and another day that I went to the club with them but they were just dating yet by then.But I never really had a conversation with him.She says that she doesnt invite me to go out with them because his car just fit two persons but even so I think she should still invite me and was up to me to say if I can go where they are by myself or to ask somebody else to drive me there.And not just assume that I wont go.

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If you wanted to give it one more shot, you could host a BBQ or something and invite them. Something along those lines.

 

But she's not really putting effort in, is she?

 

If once in a blue moon though, you extend out an invite for them - if it's worth it to you - at least it leaves things open.

 

Sometimes friends lose themselves in relationships. I don't agree with it, and maybe it's reason enough for you to not want to be friends with her anymore.

 

But if it's not, then looks like you'll have to throw the rope every once in a while. One day she might wake up out of it and regret what she is doing now, maybe not.

 

Anyways, it is totally up to you.

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There are other things bothering me about her too.I need somebody to go to clubs with me so I can start dating again(just had a broke up 6 months ago) but she said she cant go now that she has a bf.But when I had a bf and she had broke up with her ex bf I went with her.Actualy I was with her when she meet that curent bf in a club.And I asked her to go with me when I will meet the guy Im chatting with and she said that her bf wont like it much.I said she can bring him too but she said she doesnt fell much like going cause will be boring to her.But I did that for her when she meet a guy that she was chatting some time ago too.Is just like she cant do the things I did for her.

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I understand your frustration in regards to her not putting in much effort into your friendship.

 

However, (i don't agree with that type of behavior, but it's something you will have to deal with) many people find it hard to maintain a relationship and their friendships at the same time.

 

I also seem to remember from an earlier post (apologies if i got it wrong) that you neglected your friendships while you were in a relationship.

 

As to your friend 'owing' you to go out with you in order that you can start dating - i think you are on dangerous grounds if you make your dating dependable on other people.

 

Yes I understand that it's easier/safer to go clubbing with friends, but you can't make your friend responsible for not having an active dating life. These things should not be a 'duty' but something that friends want to do for friends.

 

In a friendship you shouldn't be at a point where you start counting who is doing what for whome

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Yes I did negleted my friendships on the beginning of my relationship but that was years ago and I already admited that to her and said sorry.But even so I still did went out with her a few times on weekends even having a bf.I agree it shouldnt be a duty,I just wish she would do it for me.She could help me on dating but I fell she isnt.Not that she has the obligation to do it but is just would be nice if she did and something I would like her to do.I never been to clubs or bars on my own and I dont think is much funy that way too,I mean who you will sit with and talk to all night?

 

Maybe Im wrong but to me it does fell like she is taking her bf too much in consideration and leaving me aside.Honestly what is the big deal in saying to him "Im going out with my friends this Saturday so I will see you just on Sunday this week ok?" Is just one day,really what is the problem to not see your bf just one day?

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I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you feel she is letting you down.

 

And you know, I'd probably feel the same way.

 

A good friend is there for you regardless, (within limits of course).

 

Yes that is how I fell.

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You don't have to end the friendship, but it sounds like you need more friends besides this one person. While I don't think it's healthy for her to conduct herself the way she does with her boyfriend, it's really not our place to say either way. If you had more friends to choose from this wouldn't be nearly as much of an issue.

 

Also, you shouldn't need someone to help you date. If you are meeting guys online, then meet them for coffee or something on your own. It doesn't have to be a meeting in a club or bar where you'd need a friend with you.

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I dont think its a big deal.

 

If my friends want to do something I tell my boyfriend a couple of days in advance and hes fine. I wouldnt cancel on my boyfriend if we already had plans, but if we didnt have official plans, Idont see why its a big deal.

 

I'd never cancel on the girls for my guy either.

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I would probably blow her off too then. I don't want to hang with someone that doesn't want to hang with me.

 

It is normal to spend less time with your friends when in a serious relationship, but to blow them off completely? Those are the types of people that eventually find themselves alone.

 

Is her boyfriend a manipulative controlling jerk that doesn't like her to have friends?

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I dont think is him who forbids her to go out with friends.I think that most of the time they just meet on the weekends so that is why she let all weekend for him but I think she should divide it between friends too.Like go out with her friends on saturday and see him on sunday, I dont think that is such a big deal.

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