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My best friend is belittleling and patronizing


angela89

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Ever since we started going to university together, she's become more and more patronizing, belittling, and aggressive towards me. Whenever i do something wrong, forget something, or just do something minutely astray, she calls me stupid, an idiot, b**ch, and sometime a wh**re. She swears constantly, and says "that's gay" to everything --although i'm not gay, i find it really offensive. This sounds terrible, but i know she doesn't really mean it, its just out of habit that she says those things, and not just to me. She just passes it off as a joke, or playful namecalling.

 

I've hardly called her names before, never to her degree. I just find these things so immature. When i mention this to her all she says is "yes i know i'm like this, you KNOW i do this! you KNOW i make fun of people for no good reason!"

 

One time, i asked her to help me with some MLA formatting on my term paper, she took over my computer and muttered "you're even stupider than I thought...", and fixed my problem. I found that extremely hurtful, but I didn't say anything.

 

She constanly tells me that I'm her best friend, she tells me absolutely everything, and confides in me, etc. Our friendship is pretty stable, but when she gets mean, it really gets to me, and I just want to dump her. But we've know each other for 15 years.

 

I've never confronted her about these things cause i don't want to seem over sensitive. Should i do something about this? Or just let it slide because we're best friends, and I'm supposed to accept her behaviour as who she is?

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she's become more and more patronizing, belittling, and aggressive towards me.

she calls me stupid, an idiot, b**ch, and sometime a wh**re. She swears constantly, and says "that's gay" to everything

 

i find it really offensive.

 

she took over my computer and muttered "you're even stupider than I thought...", . I found that extremely hurtful,

 

I've never confronted her about these things cause i don't want to seem over sensitive. Should i do something about this? Or just let it slide because we're best friends, and I'm supposed to accept her behaviour as who she is?

I'm sorry to hear you have a "friend" like that. Quite frankly, I wouldn't call her a friend at all. Read the above a few times and tell us, does that REALLY sound like a great friend to have around? Seriously?

 

She offends you. She hurts your feelings. She calls you names, etc etc. Is this really what anyone would call a friend?? I don't think so. You're not being over sensitive, imo.

 

By accepting her nasty behaviour, is allowing her to continue to abuse you and hurt you. If you allow her to treat you this way, she won't think she is doing anything wrong. Don't just let it slide.

 

If it were me, I'd distance myself from her. If she ever asks why, I would tell her the truth, without holding anything back. If she gets upset and never wants to speak to you again, so be it. Friends do not treat each other the way she treats you.

 

Wish you well.

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What a biarch!

She ain't your friend!

Tell her what she is doing.

i.e "do you know that you are. . . ."

 

You don't need that kind of demoralization.

You know your'e awesome.

Don't tolerate that kind of putting down.

Maybe she will tell you why later on, but of course she will some out on the defensive for her actions and they will most probably sound irrational.

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I probably should have mentioned this:

 

This whole namecalling business doesn't happen 24/7, more like an average of once a week (if i actually counted). she's a really a decent person, generous, and selfless (there's a reason why we're friends). This is the part that really gets be torn up. We can be great friends, the relationship is never one sided, but as soon as she starts, its the biggest buzzkill in the world, and undoes everything between us.

 

Should i be seeing this as "you get the good with bad"?

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she's a really a decent person, generous, and selfless (there's a reason why we're friends).

but as soon as she starts, its the biggest buzzkill in the world, and undoes everything between us.

If she really is as great as you say she is (other than the really really nasty side she displays all the time), then you need to talk to her about this and she needs to know how bad she makes you feel and how much she hurts you.

 

As long as you keep quiet about it, she WILL continue with it, and you will always be hurt. She NEEDS to know how rude and offensive she is. It's either that, or you put up with it. Choice is yours.

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Doesn't it hit you that you should stop her action everytime she does it? By not doing so, you're giving her the consent to say such a thing 'because' you're her best friend. That's not good. And you're not sending a big enough message telling her not to do it.

 

I'll give you some actionable steps you can take if she ever does it again.

When she says "you're even stupider than I thought..."

Just stop all your actions, look at her like she's the dumbest person on earth but don't say anything, and only after she realizes what she did, you talk back with her.

 

OR

 

You can accuse her of her always wanting to be smart, so she says these stuff.

 

Half the problem is YOU. So change that and make her 100% accountable.

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Guess what? True friends don't act like this. It almost sounds like she's being verbally abusive to you. If its not that dramatic, then at the very least she isn't treating you properly. What she is saying is both demeaning and disrespectful.

 

Some friend.

 

I say its time for a confrontation.

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Guess what? True friends don't act like this. It almost sounds like she's being verbally abusive to you. If its not that dramatic, then at the very least she isn't treating you properly. What she is saying is both demeaning and disrespectful.

 

Some friend.

 

I say its time for a confrontation.

 

I agree there should be confrontation too, but I hated it when people never say anything but burst out all at once.

 

If you can just keep the confrontation at an irritating level every time she exhibit the behavior, it would be much more effective. It's more effective to confront without having to turn a best friend into a friend.

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Given that you've known her for such a long time it seems a bit harsh to just dump her as your friend. Is there anything bothering her? I tend to get snappy with people when I'm upset, worried, or stressed. She may be unhappy or jealous and is taking it out on you.

 

Also she's behaving the way she is towards you because you're letting her. Next time she says something rude or demeaning to you, tell her politely not to talk you that way.

 

It may be long-term you are growing apart as friends. You need to develop other friendships and spread your wings.

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Doesn't it hit you that you should stop her action everytime she does it? By not doing so, you're giving her the consent to say such a thing 'because' you're her best friend. That's not good. And you're not sending a big enough message telling her not to do it.

 

I'll give you some actionable steps you can take if she ever does it again.

When she says "you're even stupider than I thought..."

Just stop all your actions, look at her like she's the dumbest person on earth but don't say anything, and only after she realizes what she did, you talk back with her.

 

OR

 

You can accuse her of her always wanting to be smart, so she says these stuff.

 

Half the problem is YOU. So change that and make her 100% accountable.

 

 

I agree with this...and while you are giving her that look tell her right then and there that her comment was inappropriate, offensive and not the kind of thing friends say to each other. In other words, the minute she acts out, put her in her place...she might get defensive and try to pin the blame on you, but don't tolerate it..be firm and don't back down...ask her if she would like it if you called her stupid (or whatever name she calls you at the time). If she says that she doesn't make the same mistakes you do then simply tell her that by calling her friend names she indeed is behaving in a stupid manner. You might have to put her in her place many times before she gets the message...you might even ask her why she has changed so much and resorts to name calling when she never used to be like that.

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