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How to deal with evil mother in law who loves drama!


USCG4life

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Ive been with my husband for 4 years and we've been married for one. Our relationship is great no problems with him. Just his MOTHER I cant stand. I actually stopped going over there for a while because she tries to push my husbands ex-girlfriend on us all the time in sneaky discreet ways. Like she put his ex's graduation pictures on the mantle on the highest point in the house..his ex has more pictures up than all her children combined (5)!!

 

the ex got pregnant (by someone else) and his mom let her live there for awhile! she doesnt live there anymore but his mom invites her to every single family function. The ex doesnt have any ties to the family..they don't have children together. Actually it ws his MOM who tried to get my husband to stay with the ex and tried to convince him that he loved her when he didnt! She even said that she wouldn't have chose ME for his life partner she would have preferred HER!

 

The final straw was when she allowed his ex to ride in the family car for my grandpa in-law's funeral and WE couldn't even ride in it (my husband was VERY hurt). My husband told his mother that he felt she is being disrespectful and he would appreciate if she didnt parade his ex around all the time...but she basically said she didnt care! so I decided to stop going over there and then she complains that I dont come over enough!!

 

She always acts so nice to me infront of my husband but when we're alone she always says something rude to me! how should I deal with all this? we have a BBQ to go to with his family next weekend and I need some advice..should I just grin and bear it?

 

oh and his ex is SO disrespectful to us. she rolls her eyes whenever she see's us, never speaks I always have to speak to her first! and she wont acknowledge me as his wife! she always refers to me as his girlfriend! this is driving me mad!! HELP!!

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I would invite her out to lunch. You know, neutral territory. I would tell her first how much you love her son and how you respect the fact that she raised a great man. She raised a man who was strong and independent. A man who knows his own mind.

 

I would say to her, that you chose to be with her son, just as he chose to spend the rest of his life with you. The way you see it there are two options here, that the two of you can try to get along and be happy or she can keep things are and have everyone, including her son, be miserable.

 

Let her know you want the opportunity to enjoy the relationship that the two of you have. Let her know that you do not appreciate her rude behavior, especially flaunting the ex, and that causes you to not want to come over more often. Let her know that you would like things to change, and ask her if she would like to have a closer relationship with you.

 

You are his wife, you arent going anywhere. Someday you are going to want to have grandkids, better to get this sorted out sooner than later.

 

All the best,

 

owb

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So it sounds like your MIL has developed a great bond with this girl and they are great friends now? Or almost like a surrogate daughter?

 

Just curious - why is that? What's so great about her (in your MIL's eyes?)

 

Anyway I don't really think you can (or even should) do something about their relationship. I think all you can do is be assertive when your MIL is rude to you, and let your H know.

 

On occasions where you have to see the ex, if she refuses to acknowledge you as the wife, make sure your H knows its important to you that he corrects her.

 

It's such an unfortunate situation but I think this is all you can really do about it. Try not to let it get to you. You have a happy marriage and that's the main thing.

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ah I do think she feels she is the ex's surrogate mother. I think the ex's mother died and that she just attached onto his family. I mean its not her being around that I have the problem with, dont get me wrong, it's the fact that she is so RUDE to us when we see her. If we walk into the house and the ex is there she wont acknowledge us at all...she'll just act like we didnt just walk in. We always have to be the bigger person and say hello. I personally think my MIL likes her so much because she is pretty gorgeous... I mean she is mixed ethnicity with these really pretty green eyes. I used to be very jealous of her and I told my husband this and he totally reassures me her attitude makes her ugly in his eyes and he could never see himself being

with her again.

 

Like I said he was never in love with her in the first place.. he said he was with her because he just "wanted" a girlfriend (this was his freshman year of highschool) they only lasted 3 months together and after he broke it off with her she became friends with his sister and mother. I think she has always been determined to be apart of his life one way or another. Early in our relationship she tried to contact him so they could talk as friends again and he didnt want to. I think thats another reason why she is so bitter... do you think she is still in love with him?

 

and I tried talking to his mom about it. She just told me not to be so insecure and that she's just like family... well she's not part of MY family!!!

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he totally reassures me her attitude makes her ugly in his eyes and he could never see himself being with her again.

 

Damn the mixed-ethnic charm

 

Onewithbook's advice was very good, and I will add two things:

 

With the whole "surrogate daughter" thing, you may have to accept, galling that it is, that the ex is part of the MIL's family.

 

Your husband's mum might also be using his ex to show displeasure with him, if she thinks he should have "done (in her eyes) better".

 

It's gotta be difficult for all three of you (it should be easier if/when the little tart gets a new serious bf/hubby), so just ignore the wench, and make sure that your husband never makes the first move, and defends you when you two are with her in a group situation - he has the power when it comes to the ex.

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Well this may be a bad idea.. but here goes.

Considering how the MIL flaunts the ex and acts like shes a princess how would they both like it (especially the ex) if your husband flaunts you around! If he is extra affectionate and considerate of you when they are around. Saying things like my wonderful beautiful wife etc. And maybe he can even push it a little bit saying to the ex: hey why are YOU still single? Maybe it will drive the ex nuts and she will get tired of lurking around

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"make sure that your husband ... defends you ... he has the power when it comes to the ex."

 

I took bits of that quote from Dragun apart to illustrate my point. I think it's really up to your husband to step up and speak to your mother-in-law. Does he know about and understand your distress with his mother?

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Damn the mixed-ethnic charm

 

LOL that's exactly what I was going to say

 

That must be very frustrating. I wonder if she (MIL) thinks she's protecting this girl by ignoring you when you all together. Protecting her feelings, I mean?

 

It is a very weird situation though. As long as your H sticks up for you and doesnt tolerate any rudeness directed solely at you - that's the important thing

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