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Ex with issue problems - am I doing the right thing?


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Short background: ex dumped me for the 2nd time due to having alot of issues. We had over one month NC and just recently gotten back in contact with each other. He is currently in therapy and even though his therapist said it wasn't the right idea to have seen me, we both agreed we needed it. Anyway, a few days ago, he wanted to shut me out completely and deal with it on his own. Fast forward 4 days later, he is now willing to let me in to help him in anyway because he realized how much he misses me and loves me but ultimately I do realize it all has to come from him. I will just be here if he needs to talk or whatever.

 

Now he's not promising me anything because he doesn't know what will happen in future, he has promised me however that he will try very hard to work on his issues and we both hope that when he gets better, that he does come back to me. However, we are 2 very different people - he likes to go out and socialize more than I do and he even admitted me today that he might go out every 6 months or so and do a line of coke or something because he likes it. I am totally against drugs so for me, that was a hard one to hear but am I being totally irrational in thinking that "no, i don't want him to do that" or is this something that I need to work on in terms of my control issues (I'm also going to see a therapist about all of this). Everyone thinks that we are totally different and wrong for each other and I think this is something that he has to work on also as he believes that too sometimes. However I said to him that in a relationship, not everyone is the same - it's just whether or not both parties are willing to compromise and work at things. I am but it's up to him now whether or not he is prepared to work at it.

 

Anyway, even before getting to the relationship side of things with us, my ultimate hope is that he gets his head and issues sorted out. We've decided to not bombard each other with emails, txts or phone calls but I have told him that if he ever needs to talk or whatever, he can contact me. And we've decided to go with the flow and have dinner occasionally - sort of like "dates". This is going to be so hard because we've been going out for 3 years already and now we have to go back to the very very beginning now. Sometimes I think this is for the best because how it was obviously wasn't working. Now he's facing his demons so he can be a better man.

 

I've just decided I am just going to keep doing what I've been doing when I was NC with him but I guess it's a tiny bit of comfort knowing that he hasn't shut me out completely.

 

Am I doing the right thing here? I don't want to pressure him - I want him to go at his own pace to try and really really work himself out but am I setting myself up for heartache down the track? I know it's my choice - I'm so confused.

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While I think his therapist was right in saying you shouldn't see each other, I don't think it's being controlling if you don't like that he likes drugs, and I take issue with that.

 

If someone you love does drugs, what are you supposed to do - accept it? I mean sure - everyone needs to make their own decision, but using drugs can be a life-altering and unhealthy choice. Some people call it looking out for a loved one's well-being, others consider it controlling, and I don't understand that. If someone you loved was standing on the train tracks and you pushed them out of the way, is that controlling? Or are you going to let them act on their own free will and get run over? We're not talking about telling him not to go out period, that would be controlling. Drugs are a more serious issue. I think it means she is a caring individual.

 

My cousin was dating someone who relapsed into a heroin habit. She said she'd leave if he didn't clean himself up. He did, and they got married and have been happily married for 15 years. Would that have been considered controlling?

 

I think some of this psychology stuff has people thinking they've got problems where they don't. You stay too long with someone showing red flags in a relationship and try to tell them you won't stand for those red flags, you're being controlling or trying to "fix" them. You leave as soon as the red flags are present, and you have commitment issues.

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thank you for everyone's input but I don't want to call it a day with this guy. I think what we have is special - however I'm not living in fantasy land thinking it's all going to be perfect straightaway. I realize there is alot of work that needs to be done, more from his side than my side though and it's going to be very very hard. But he knows that I am here for him if he ever needs to talk or vent to me. In regards to the drug thing, yes I have made it a point to tell him that I do not like drugs but I just wanted to point out that he is not a regular user though. At the moment though, all I am hoping for is for him to work himself out and to know what I am doing is the right thing - by standing back and letting him deal with his issues but to be there for him if ever he needs me?

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i think you are compromising your standards/values. you said you are against drug use, but i think you are hoping he quits, which he might not! and he broke up with you twice. why settle for a guy who isn't crazy about you. he hasn't even promised getting back together with you.

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i think you are compromising your standards/values. you said you are against drug use, but i think you are hoping he quits, which he might not! and he broke up with you twice. why settle for a guy who isn't crazy about you. he hasn't even promised getting back together with you.

 

This guy is crazy for me - he truly does love me but being as he has issues he needs to deal with (childhood upbringing etc), I want to give him the time and space to sort himself out. He can't promise me anything yet because he doesn't know where this journey will take him BUT what he has promised me is that he will try very hard to work through his problems so that he can be the man he wants to be for me. Although it might not be enough for you, at the moment that's all I need. I am trying not to pressure him into anything - I am just trying to be here for him if he ever needs me. I don't know what is going to happen about the drug thing, yes, he may, maybe he won't. We don't know what is going to happen in the future and I guess for me, that's where I take my chances. When he does get better, I have asked to do relationship counselling as well as it's not like none of this hasn't affected me at all. Yes, he broke up with me twice, not because he didn't love me but because he has these issues. In the past, he swept them all under the carpet and never dealt with them and we jumped right back to how we left things off. Now he finally wants to face them once and for all and get help so we are trying to do things differently this time. We are not back together - I'm trying not to even think about an actual "relationship" with him right now. All I'm trying to think about is being there for him. Is that so bad?

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