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Am I being irrational?


gojane

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I'm a little bit annoyed at my boyfriend right now. Here is what's bothering me. My boyfriend and I were supposed to spend the day together. Then after I LEFT he was supposed to go to his cousin's house to hang out and spend the night. They do this all the time, just watch tv and movies, play cards and drink. I don't have an issue with it because he spends the night if he drinks, he doesn't drive home. Well we were in a restaurant and his cousin called and then he tells me that after were done eating he's going to his cousin's house. It was only 4pm and he previously told me he was going to his cousin's house AFTER I left I usually spend the day with him and leave at like 8pm.

 

I only see my bf twice every week. We have been together for 5 years. We always try to spend as much time as we can together during the weekend. My issue is that my bf usually always leaves me to go hang out with someone else, fully knowing that he only sees me twice a week. The problem isn't that he went to see his cousin, but that he decided to go during "our time" to go hang out him. I feel like if he always ditches me for someone else. I feel like I value my time with him more than he does and this really bothers me, I'm not a priority. He gets out of work at 3pm and can go hang out with anyone he wants (including his cousin cause he doesn't work). I get out at 8pm and I just go home and go to sleep which is why I don't see him during the weekdays. It also bothered me that he noticed I was upset, apologized and did it anyways, knowing that he could just call his cousin and tell him he would be there later like it was planned out before his cousin wasn't even waiting for him. It's like he's telling me, I'm sorry your upset and I know this really is bothering you but I'm going to go anyways. Everytime this happens and someone tells him to hang out with them he ALWAYS ditches me, he never tells them how about another day or later, but he always tells me he's going to hang out with them and I have to go home now. If it were the other way around, which has happened (like once), he would be very upset too.

 

Please let me know what you think and if I'm over reacting.

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It sounds like you're not as much of a priority to him as he is to you. Was he like this earlier in the relationship, too? I ask because you've been together for five years, so maybe he feels that since you've been together awhile, he doesn't have to put in as much effort anymore, or that hanging out with you is getting to be routine. What to you typically do on your days together? If they're mostly spent sitting around, doing the same things or going to the same places, maybe he feels like he's not missing anything by leaving. Try thinking of something new and exciting to do next time you hang out.

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He's 24. No he wasn't like this. He would do whatever he could to see me as much as he can. We do different things, sometimes we stay home and watch movies, go to his families' houses, go shopping, go out to eat. But today we were supposed to go to his house after eating to watch a movie, and 5 min later he speaks to his cousin and completely ditches me.

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Let him know that you are upset and you feel he is trivializing your relationship by saying he is going to spend a certain amount of time with you and then blowing you off when something else comes along. Be very sincere and let him know how valuable you think your time together is, and that you feel like you are being short changed. If he does not sympathize, then you will have to accept that you must learn to cherish and accept the time you get with him, and that he is simply at a place in his life where he needs to have his own life and activities. If this is not okay with you, you may want to consider finding a partner that is more in sync with your needs.

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It seems like the relationship has lost some of its luster for him. At the beginning, people naturally want to spend lots of time together because everything is new and just being in the other's presence is exciting enough. Once this excitement wears off, people run into trouble, because now you gotta work to keep things interesting. It's not so much the quantity of time spent together, but the quality. You may feel you should spend x amount of time together on the weekend, but maybe he doesn't feel its necessary spend four extra hours with you when he could be getting drunk with his friends if all you're going to be doing together is staring at the TV. That's something he could do on his own.

 

That being said, he could be a bit more sensitive about it if he can see you're upset by his leaving. It shouldn't be so difficult for him to tell his cousin to wait a couple hours if he can see that this is something that matters to you. I think you guys should talk about this.

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