Can't help but miss him

[DJBaby]

It's been six months since my breakup. We were together five years, lived together four, and we broke up because of an emotional affair on his part. I didn't know there was anything wrong in our relationship, so kicking him out felt like someone I loved was dying.

 

We have gone through periods of no contact and periods of trying to work it out. A few weeks ago, he asked me to stop contacting him, then a few days later proceeded to blow my phone up... saying he wants to be back together, etc. I did not respond to any of it.

 

I have dated two different guys since the breakup: one, a much younger guy who was a great distraction, and later, a guy that lied to me about everything important in his life. I am no longer seeing either one of them.

 

I found out the other day that my ex is sleeping with someone whom I thought was a friend. I guess I was wrong about that.

 

I know it sounds like he's a terrible person... I'm sure if you go through my thread history, you will find some really interesting stuff...

 

But I can't help but miss him. I still love him so much. I just wish we could go back to before the affair, start that spot again, start communicating better, and go back to being best friends and lovers.

 

Thanks for letting me purge a little.

[90_hour_sleep]

just curious...do you have any interest in getting back together? you said you've spent periods where you tried to work it out together? did those situations grenade?

[90_hour_sleep]

sorry...i glazed over the last line there. obviously you do have that desire.

 

he doesn't have the same interest?

[DJBaby]

It's not that I have the desire to get back with him... besides the things I mentioned that he's done, there have been various other strange behaviors he has engaged in. He's been caught peeking in my windows, and once, I had to call the police because of the way he was threatening me.

 

But, really, all the really bad stuff didn't start happening until a few weeks before I kicked him out- about the time he started communicating with some chick from a dating site created specifically for "discreet" relationships.

 

The thing is, until I found out about him and the girl I thought was a friend, I was still kind of holding out hope that one day we could work things out. Up until about a month ago, we both felt that way and we were genuinely trying to fix things. But he couldn't let go of our past relationship, and I just wanted some space. I couldn't trust him after the affair, you see, and I needed him to prove I could trust him... which he effed up big time with various deeds, including sleeping with the friend then bragging about it to other friends.

 

So, for six months I've been trying my hardest not to have to say goodbye to him, and now I'm realizing I have to... and I can barely type right now because the tears are making it hard to see.

 

Basically, we effed up. Both of us. We have made a mockery of our entire, wonderful relationship... and it feels like crap. I miss him and I just want our life back. But I can never have it... we have made too much of a mess.

[90_hour_sleep]

well...it sounds like the best thing for both of you is to be apart right now. you both have the opportunity to grow from this. it's not easy...but pain is a powerful motivator. you've done the best that you could do with the skills and knowledge that you have. there's no shame in that.

 

for what it's worth...i don't believe that any action is truly unforgivable. there may very well come a time when you've both achieved some personal growth...and be able to reflect positively on this whole chain of events...together. there are many that would suggest that hope is a dangerous thing. i disagree. hope is an acknowledgement of a possibility. it's the belief that profound change is possible...even under the most testing of circumstances.

[DJBaby]

Thanks 90 hour... I agree with you about nothing being unforgivable. I just don't know if we'll ever even be able to be in the same room together again. There's so much resentment there... it's so sad.

 

Thanks for your words

[90_hour_sleep]

i've thought alot about my own relationship in that sense. i have a feeling that my ex would be of the same school of thought as you. i think she might have trouble moving past the unpleasantness of our whole situation. i've found for myself that i tend to invent the most ridiculous possibilities. i don't know what she's thinking...so i think it's pretty unreasonable to expect the worst. from what i DO know about her...i am optomistic that she would at least consider the possibility of us finding happiness together again.

 

it's never something that happens overnight...and it requires a lot of work from both people involved (even if you want only friendship). i can only suggest that you find the things in you that were missing in the relationship.

seek to fill the void. find out what you can about where you went wrong. should the opportunity for you two to meet up again ever arise...you'll be in a position to judge the situation appropriately.

 

it's a long road...full of pain...and tears. but the pain evolves...it turns into something much less intense. it's managable. it becomes sort of a transformative tool.