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I am so lost...Need to break up


Mona112

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Hi everyone,

 

I am on this site because I am having a lot of problems in my relationship and there really isn't anyone else I could talk to. No one in my life would understand if I told them, so I hope I posting on here clears up at least a few things for me. Please bare with me 'cause this is going to be a LONG post. My problem is that I want to breakup with my boyfriend but I want to make sure I'm making the right decision and wont regret it afterwards. My b/f and I have been together for a little over 2 years. In The beginning everything was pretty good. He was nice to me, always made me feel like I was very special to him, but over the past 6 or 7 months I'd say, this has all changed. #1, I found out he is a big liar. Sometime around last year I found out that he was actually on probation for assault and attempted robbery!! He never told me that in the beginning and kept that from me. I was so pissed but didn't break up with him when I found out 'cause he seemed to be doing better and was working and in anger management classes. I feel like everyone deserves a second chance, but don't know if continuing to talk to him was a good idea. I mean things these days suck between us. He always claims to be busy, has a horrible temper and never listens to what I have to say. When I try to talk to him about our problems, he wont even listen. He's very rude to me and tells me to "Shut the F**k Up" anytime I try to talk to him about problems in our relationship. Now I'm not saying i'm perfect myself because I used to be busy all the time and not call him for hours or days sometimes and on top of that I have a problem with affection and i'm not a very emotional person which has been a huge problem for us. He has really tried with me and has tried to get me to be more affectionate and things were improving for a while. Things were pretty good for a while, but then it seems like this has all changed ever since he got fired from his job last year.

 

So he became pretty depressed after he was fired from his job, which is understandable but now he is into um shall I say "unconventional" ways of making money (no, not drugs) but what he does for a living is not something most people would agree with or accept. I don't accept it either although I wouldn't tell him that 'cause he would scream my head off and curse at me. I have not been able to have sex with him in about five months because of what he does for a living, it just disgusts me really. On top of that, he gave me a frickin' STD (which was curable thankfully but still it's not acceptable) and I found out about it three months ago. He is only the second person i've slept with and I was previously tested and everything was fine, so I know he gave me this std, but when I asked him how he got it, he barely wanted to answer and tried to turn it around on me and said I was the one cheating, which I was not. I have never and would not ever cheat on anyone.

 

Besides all this, I am just tired of his general underhanded ways and selfishness. Any time we go out somewhere, which we always have to go where he wants to or he complains, he acts suspicious. He'll take calls and make sure that he's far away from me so I can't hear him or he'll lie and say he's going to the bathroom when he's on his phone. He's also very selfish as I said. Even on my damn birthday he still insisted on doing something he wanted to do and never even had the decency to wish my Happy B-day eventhough he did take me out to dinner (after I had pretty much begged him). I am just so unhappy and disgusted with him. I'm no angel, but i feel like he treats me like crap and I don't think I deserve it. For instance, the other day we were out at a clothing store and he told me to "get my f**king ass" over here when we were out at the store so I could give him my opinion on something. He thought he was being funny, but the other men in the shop just looked disgusted with him and he tried to laugh it off, but no one thought it was funny. He is so disrespectful to me and never apologizes even when I tell him he's hurt me. He curses at his mother too all the time and calls her names, so I should not be too suprised he treats me like this. He always refers to women as the B word and just seems to have no respect for women and that's a big problem. I'm really not sure what has kept me around for all these months after we started having problems. As I said, things weren't this bad before and he seemed like a nice guy earlier on in the relationship, but not anymore. Whenever he calls me these days, he'll say he's busy soon after and that he'll call me back in 5 minutes but doesn't call back until hours later or sometimes days. He also stands me up all the time. We'll make plans to go to the movies or soemthing and he'll say he's going to come over to my house and then i'll sit there like a dummy waiting for him for hours and he wont call until hours later and never gives an explination for why he didn't show up. When we go to the movies, i'll wait for him downstairs outside of his house and he wont bother coming down to meet me for almost an hour or more most of the time eventhough he knows i'm waiting. He does this all the time and never apologizes for being late. When I complain, he'll tell me i'm being a nag. The other day I waited for him for almost 2 hours to go out to the movies. I was just outside his house waiting. We spoke about 15 mins before I got to his house and he told me he would be downstairs any minute, but guess what?! He never showed up and said he fell asleep (yeah right). Although he did apologize for that incident which was totally suprising that he even said sorry, it was a half assed apology and he quickly told me to get over being mad.

 

I am just disgusted with him. I care about him but he is not the right person for me. He has no respect for me or anyone for that matter. He talks to everyone in his life, especially waiters and service people like crap and I hate it. The only person he cares about is himself and has no respect for anyone else. He calls me names like b***h, sl)ut,he even called me that disgusting C word the other day for no absolute reason. He said it was a joke, but I didn't find it funny. He also loves to call me a piece of s**t and tells me I look like crap on top of that constantly. He makes fun of my body and calls me fat. I thought being in a relationship was supposed to relieve some stress and I thought the person you were with was supposed to be loving and understanding? But that's clearly not the case here.

 

The thing is just that we have been through a lot together and I have spent many nights crying and agonizing over this relationship but I am just not happy anymore and tired of him being so mean to me and so disrespectful. I don't need this. We don't have a healthy relationship at all. We hardly see eachother these days, when we do talk it's only for a few mins at most and then most of the time it's spent arguing or him calling me names and telling me to shutup or him saying he'll call me back, but never does until hours later. WE also NEVER say I love you anymore to eachother and haven't in months probably. As I said though, when we do talk it mostly results in arguments and he always insists on talking over me and never lets me talk so I have never gotten many chances to tell him how I was feeling. Now for the past two days, he's being nice and wanting to spend time together but I think i'm over this relationship but i'm scared of being alone I guess. I've gotten so used to him and I still care about him as a person, but i'm worn out and tired of this whole thing. I'm tired of being so unhappy.

 

I know I need to break up with him but I keep putting it off. Everytime I try to end it he starts trying to talk to me about how things are my fault and how i'm not putting in any effort to make it work and then he starts to joke around with me and tries to make me laugh and I never end up telling him. The next day though, it's the same crap. It's him talking down to me again for no reason, and being extremely vulgar/rude. Ugh, I just want it to be over but don't know what to say to him to end it and i'm afraid I'll want him back If I do end it. I just don't want to regret this but I'm so unhappy and confused. I don't know what to do anymore.

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I think the only way for you to gain respect is by dumping him and ignoring him. It will be hard and it will hurt like hell, but you must do this. He gave you an std and then accused you of cheating... OMG,,, that is so uncool. You deserve better and will be treated better, right now you are just addicted to the relationship. It is difficult for most people to break up with anyone they have developed a relationship with, but it must be done.

 

It is not going to get better in time.... Hang in there....

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You both have a lot of learning to do. He is clearly too immature for a relationship with any respectable woman and you need to understand that what he wants is a submissive, naive girl to demoralize so that he can feel better about himself. Even though you do not think it is funny, you need to be able to make the distinction between when he is joking and when he is trying to be cruel. If you find his attitude toward you unacceptable, there is no reason to stay in the relationship. You obviously have some growing up to do, and being with this misogynistic person will only stunt your growth as a person. Your environment and whom you choose to expose yourself to dictates who you are and who you become. Do you want to be called the c word? Because if you stay with him, not only will you be called all of these bad things, these words will actually describe you.

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Thank you for the feedback everyone. I know I have growing up to do, i'm not just blaming him for the problems we've had, trust me I know I am too blame as well. I was willing to work on things before though because I thought the relationship was worth saving, but he is just getting nasiter to me day by day. I don't see anything funny about being called the B word constantly or the C word among other things or being talked down to in public or lets not talk about the times he's pushed me and kicked me----these were all jokes too he claimed of course. Not funny to me, even if it might seem like i'm being overlysensitive, I don't think I am. I can take a joke as good as anyone else, just don't see the humor in all these things. I don't think I can do it anymore but it's so hard and i'm hurting so much right now. At the very least, I need a break from him. He has issues to work out, as do I. I don't think we are good together, at least not right now. I really hope for him that he can become a better person and work out his anger issues and hate towards women. If it's meant to be then things will work themselves out I guess, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him right now. The sooner I get the courage to break it off with him the better, but I am not going to lie, I am a bit afraid of him. I need to find a way to go about this without being too nasty or mean because he is a very spiteful person. I know he'll do something to get back at me, so I need to be careful about how I go about it. I just don't want to be with him right now though. I hope he'll understand, but I know i'll feel sooooo much better once I end things with him.

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Ummmmm..... this is abuse. Sorry to say that. I only needed to read the first half of your post to come to that conclusion. Absolutely nothing funny about this situation, and you need to be strong and get out while you're relatively unharmed.

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I couldn't see one reason from your post for you to stay with him, and I saw lots and lots for leaving him. Please leave him. But try to do that in a way which doesn't enrage him and put you at risk, because he sounds like he could be violent. You'll have to be somewhere safe when you tell him. You might want to just focus on the STD thing as your reason, ie concern for your health, so as not to hurt his ego, purely for your own safety, not because his ego needs tender care, but in case he turns on you violently. Maybe even pretend to feel regretful about leaving (you might not have to pretend). I just feel concerned that he sounds nasty, and feel you should be careful as to how you put it to him, as to the fact that you want to leave, so as not to stir him up (until you're far away ,at least).

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