Sex problems with girlfriend

[Terry100]

I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 15 months. We’re both in our early 30’s.

The first couple of months we had a great sex life - she was into it, I was into it and then it just suddenly just started dieing from her side. After about 4 months she didn't initiate sex at all and would come up with all excuses not to have sex - tired, headache etc. This went on for about the next 10 months which really hurt me. I'd try and talk to her about it and she'd get massively stressed saying I was being paranoid and would try and turn it back on me to make it sound like I had the problem. Getting through to her was like banging my head against a wall.

 

Anyway, things have now improved ever so slightly and she might now initiate sex once every couple of months, which is still not great but it's better than nothing.

 

One of the big problems now is that there is still little passion from her in the bedroom and she’s just very unwilling to try anything other than just plain intercourse (I’m talking about just normal stuff like touching breasts, kissing, oral sex – me on her or vice versa). Don’t get me wrong, this would not be an issue at all if I thought she’s always been a bit shy in the bedroom/sex not really been her thing. I would never try and pressurise her into doing things she didn’t feel comfortable doing and this is seriously not just me complaining that she won’t give a bl*w job or something.

 

Here’s the problem though. After about 4 months of seeing each other we started discovering more of each other’s past. Because of how she’s been with me in the bedroom e.g not being into sex and very reserved I thought maybe that must be how she’s always been and so it isn’t really a problem just with me. However it turns out she’s been anything but like that before she met me. It turns out she’s slept with a lot of guys (at least 30 but could be much more) a lot of one night stands or just seeing guys solely for sex; she’s had threesomes with guys; she’s seem numerous guys at the same time all for the sole reason of just sex; she goes to fetish/sex clubs wearing nothing but knickers/suspenders type get up where a lot of bondage/S&M live shows would go on where I think she might’ve got involved too; before she met me she would meet guys at these clubs or online just for hardcore bondage/S&M sex sessions where she would be ‘submissive’ and like to be treated like a sex slave and would do literally anything (and I mean ANYTHING – tied up, whipped etc) the guy would ask to please him as this would please her....you get the idea. I’m not trying to sounds crude, I just want people to see where I’m coming from.

 

So the 2 big problems I have is firstly, why if she’s been this into sex before me, why does she seem the total opposite with me? Secondly, it really hurts me that she would be willing to do literally anything with guys she’s seen (that she barely knows) to please them, but is completely unwilling to do/try even just the most normal kind of things with me? It’s totally like why if she was willing to do ANYTHING with guys she barely knows just to please them, will she not really want to do literally anything at all with me when she says she loves me and stuff? If she’d never been like this before she met me, it wouldn’t be as much of a problem at all. It just really hurts me and makes me feel like she doesn’t love me, unwanted and like there’s something wrong with me or that literally she just hates any kind of sexual things with me.

She says she loves me and we’ve actually just found out she’s pregnant. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she just blows up saying I’m paranoid and turns it back on me to the point we can’t talk about it. I’ve said we can try the bondage/S&M stuff if that’s what she likes but she says I’m not aggressive enough and so it wouldn’t work. When I ask her why she’d be willing to do anything for other guys she’s seen she won’t talk to me and just says that in a Dom/Sub S&M relationship they almost have control over her mind and that I wouldn’t understand and so there’s no point talking about it. It’s so patronising and frustrating that I’m doing my best to meet her half way and discuss it all with her and try and understand things but she won’t even give me the chance to do that!

 

So, big question is, am I just blowing this all out of proportion and am acting like a selfish d*ck about it? Am I missing something? Is it maybe some bizarre thing like she doesn’t want to do all stuff in the bedroom because she loves me and doesn’t want me getting a bad impression about her? Or is she being pretty crap towards me and I should properly confront her about it once and for all? Is it more like she doesn’t fancy me anymore and I don’t push her buttons as we don’t do her ‘style’ of sex?

 

Any help and advice much appreciate as this is sending me mad!!!

 

Many thanks in advance!

[Araziel]

I understand why you are upset about this, it would upset me too! Sex is an important part of relationships, and if one or both partners are unhappy it's always challenging. Basically, I don't think you're being selfish really, but it's really hard to say what she's thinking if she won't talk to you. And trying to talk to her about it after just finding out she's pregnant may not be the best idea. I'd wait a bit, then keep trying to talk to her about it so you can understand it. Does she know how much it bothers you?

[Terry100]

Thanks, I suppose a part of this is just trying to work out whether I'm making too bigger deal out of it or being selfish or if I genuinely do have a point. The thing is I more want to make sure she's happy and fulfilled sexually, just as much as me.

To be honest, I shouldn't have probably mentioned the pregnancy thing as this has always been going on before and after we found out she was pregnant. If anything, the improvment that I have talked about came about after we found out she was pregnant.

I don't know if she knows how much it bothers me, I've been kind of bottling it up for ages now. I think she should do as I have tried to talk it loads before and say how it bothers me, at which point she gets stressed and will sometimes just say in a huff "ok we'll try some of these other things", but nothing ever comes of it and I think she just says it to shut me up. So if nothing changes I might bring it up a few months later and I get the "we've talked about this before" as if it's all been sorted and she'll refuse to talk. I just dunno how to get through to her as she has such problems communicating and discussing her feelings, not with just this but most things that means anything to her.

I just hate all the excuses she tries to fob me off with as it makes me not trust her as I know she'll be lieing some of the time because she was so experimental in previous sexual partners. She then makes me feel guilty for mentioning anything. E.g I'll say it will be really nice if you wore some sexy lingerie and say that she's got an amazing body and will look stunning. She'll say she doesn't want to because she feels fat (which is totally fair enough and I respect that - even though she isn't fat at all and has a stunning figure) but then 6 months before she would've worn literally next to nothing or similar get ups to fetish clubs where the whole public can see. And then she would have also told me how she's dressed up/worn sexy stuff for previous partners. I just don't know what to think or do about it!

I dunno, I just don't know where to go with this one and it's building up inside. I just know if I try and talk to her about it again she'll turn it back on me, get stressed and we'll have a big argument and I'll end up backing down for an easy life.

[quirky]

This is a strange situation I find, very contradictory..and I totally understand why it hurts you.

how are you as a guy? Are you quite relaxed, soft and romantic? You mentioned about the S&M she said smth about "controlling the mind". Maybe she needs a more assertive approach. Maybe you are trying to do the civilised thing of talking things through, analysing it and maybe she needs a more aggresive attitude?

[angellight]

Apparently she likes being controlled, (in the bedroom) so take control...buy some handcuffs, a mask and a little whip...Im not into S&M but from what I've heard one "makes" the other do what they desire...So, I guess, you would continue even if she says no??? (dont want to get you into trouble there someone here who knows better should chime in on that one).. But I definitely think you need to be more aggressive with her in bed...Maybe a little biting and spanking??? A little rougher sex?? But be careful now that she is pregnant...

[angellight]

Just reread some of your post....She doesn't want to talk... A little less talk and a lot more action....as the saying goes...

[Terry100]

Hi quirky girl,

 

That's a pretty good description of me. I am pretty easy going and probably am a bit old fashioned in trying to be romantic and stuff (e.g bringing her flowers and chocolates and stuff). And yeah, she she's said I'm not assertive enough for S&M/bondage stuff but I'm not just talking about that stuff. I'm talking about her just doing a lot of 'normal' stuff too now.

I suppose one of the problems is when you start seeing someone, you spend a bit of time finding out what your new partner likes in the bedroom. Obviously the first month or so of having sex you don't just jump into tieing someing up or being massively aggressive in the bedroom.

A lot of the more recent guys she's been with before me, have been S&M kind of understandings where they've met specifically for that kind of sex and nothing else - no romantic involvement at all. The guy already knows she likes it rough and quite often in those kind of relationships the Submissive partner (e.g my girlfriend) will even fill out a bondage/S&M questionaire beforehand saying what activities they've done before and whether they like it or not. Obviously with me, there was none of that so I'm already waaaay behind. I only found out she likes this stuff about 4 months down the line because she never told me about it, even when I asked what she liked. By which time it seems she'd made up her mind that I hadn't been like that with her and so never would and so instead of talking to me about it when I ask her what's wrong, she's just shut me out and gave me loads of excuses like headaches, too tired etc.

I really feel at a loose end here and don't know that to do. She's said don't ever try being more like that with her as she'll know and it wil be weird and won't work. She refuses to talk about it or make any effort in trying to meet me half way and even listen to me and just patronises me saying I wouldn't understand. That just hurts me deeply as it feels like she's totally insensitve to my feelings.

To be honest I'm kind of worn out by it all now. I've tried so hard to make this work but it takes two.

I do love her and I think she loves me but I suppose it's a guy thing that you want to feel like you satisfy your girlfriend sexually. I feel like I'm not doing that but aren't even being given the chance to try. Maybe I do just need to stop thinking and just literally just grab her 'have my way' with her??

As I said, we've now got a baby on the way and it kind of worries me that if she can't even talk and listen to me about this stuff, then we could have a lot of problems for the future.

[Terry100]

I know what you're saying angellight. She's said you have 'safewords' to use as you could say STOP, but that stop doesn't necessarily mean 'stop'!

I've kind of tried being a bit rougher and trying things but she's says to stop and so I do because it really doesn't come accross as a 'stop' but I really mean keep going'. It does sounds more like a 'stop' what the f*ck are you doing type thing.

Like you say it would be good for someone who knows more about this to chip in. I mean if she says stop but you keep going, at what point are you crossing the line of consensual sex and into rape?!

Like I said in a previous post, guys she's had these relationships with before know that if she says stop doesn't mean stop. Only if she says the 'safeword' does it mean to stop.

[pokesfan]

Dude, after reading your post, I am in the same situation as you are. However, I do not think that my gf was into the whole S&M thing.

From what she says, she was quite the freak just a few years ago. She calls it her "player" phase. She has never said an exact number, but by the way she talks, I think that it is quite high. And, from what she says, it was quite often and some kinky things were involved.

Now that we have been going out for about six months now, I would say we have had sex a total of maybe 12 times. ARGHHHH!!! I ask myself the same question you are asking yourself. "If she was willing to give it to whomever, whenever, without a care in the world, why do I have to work my a$$ off to get anything." And, I usually do not get anything. She falls asleep, or gives the same kinds of excuses as you list. Don't get me wrong, I try to initiate all the time. With her to just "peck" me on the lips when I am giving her passionate kisses. I even set romantic "moods", with candles, music, satin sheets. For her to say, "that is nice", to then just lay down, "peck" me on the lips and watch tv, or fall asleep. With me left feeling frustrated and not being able to sleep.

I am frustrated and not happy! But, do I tell her why and try to talk with her about this, and possibly risk breaking up?

[Applewhite]

I'm sure you've thought of this before, by why don't you out of the blue try and initiate this the way she likes it. Give her orders, and make her do things. (I could be more explicit via PM if you are interested )

[Terry100]

Hi hike14, yes, it would be great if you could pm me with some ideas as I'm a bit lost on this one!

[Terry100]

pokesfan, I know it sounds kinda bad but it's actually nice to here it's not just me going through this. You totally hit the nail on the head with a lot of it. If she's been so willing to give out to all these guys she barely knows and will do whatever to please them, then why is she being so reserved with me??! Sends you mad.

The BDSM thing I suppose is another kind of angle to my story but the general thing is the same.

Thats the big question. If I really decide to have it out with her once and for all about this I do feel there's a risk of breaking up. It annoys me that I feel like this. I feel like I should be able to talk to her about this but instead I feel like I have to bite my tongue and walk on eggshells because she can't handle talking about this. I think this could be because she knows there's a problem and can't face up to it.

Have you tried talking to her at all about it yet?

[pokesfan]

I have not fully come out and said, "we need to talk", but I beat around the bush with comments. She has made comments in return like, "poor guy needs to get laid", "we probably should do it more often", etc. So, I am sure she is aware and she recognizes that I have "moods" and knows why. But, still nothing is being done, or our sex is not any more frequent, and I still go to bed frustrated. I guess I need to seriously think about sitting her down and say, "we need to talk about our sex life and here is what I am feeling ... "

Any suggestions on how to approach this talk or anything else?

[oldenoughtoknow]

Terry100 and pokesfan, you guys have a tough situation here. I did date someone like this a few years ago.

 

Here's what I think: your GF's are into BDSM. They probably want to be the submissive partner. You guys are, well, too nice. You're both afraid to even talk to them about the subject. That's not going to work. So they are having to take the dominant role, which they don't like. They aren't happy with this situation either. This isn't going to be fixed by talking, or saying "gee, sweetie, can we please have sex more often?" In the sex department, you have to change your position to one of dominance. Forget about an equal, love-making partnership. Don't ask if they want to have sex. Just take them. And I remember walking the thin line around when no means no, or when too rough is too rough. It is exceedingly difficult, and not much fun. You're either into this stuff, or you aren't.

 

I'm afraid I don't see this working out for either of you. Dominance and submission goes beyond a simple fetish. These women aren't the usual soccer mom who likes to be tied up and blind folded once a month, in an attempt to spice things up or feel naughty for a day. This has much deeper psychological ties. You've both already established yourselves as the submissive partner. All four of you aren't getting what you want. Your GF's like to be overpowered by their partner. Once they've spent this much time being in control, they will always know that they can control you. So even if/when you try to become the dominant partner, it simply won't work for them. The mold is cast, and the spell is broken.

 

Sorry I don't have better news, but that's been my experience.

[angellight]

okay guys...no tongue biting or walking on eggshells and beating around the bush...Like I said earlier, Im not into S&M but being a female, I can tell you I definitely like a guy to take control in bed...I'm not a china doll and romance is nice but when it comes to sex Im not looking for romance. I want hot and heavy, sweaty sex..lol...I dont want to be roughed up but I don't want to be touched gingerly either like I'm gonna break.. a lady in public and a wh### in the bedroom I guess.....

 

Seriously, we need to talk and Im not happy is exactly what is in order here... or.."Man, Im getting blue b@@lls here!!!!!"

 

Yeah... I guess you chance breaking up but you also chance getting your needs met..Do you really want to live the rest of your life frustrated and monk-like if your SO is not willing to try to rectify the situation???

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.....

[quirky]

I think this is spot on.

[diabolik]

You've both already established yourselves as the submissive partner. All four of you aren't getting what you want. Your GF's like to be overpowered by their partner. Once they've spent this much time being in control, they will always know that they can control you. So even if/when you try to become the dominant partner, it simply won't work for them. The mold is cast, and the spell is broken.

I think this is right with respect to terry100. pokesfan's gf isn't into BDSM, but she probably is also used to more dominant partners, in which case this applies to him too.

 

And I think it would be naive of you guys to assume that women whose buttons you clearly are not pushing are not having their sexual needs satisfied elsewhere.

 

Ideally, you find women who get turned on by you form of sexuality, so you don't have to adopt a different sexual persona that doesn't feel right to you.

[Terry100]

I appreciate peoples honesty on here. I think richpart makes some pretty valid points and I reluctantly agree. It's annoying when being a nice guy ends up working against you!

All I can do ist take on peoples comments and see what comes of it. I've kind of thought the dominance and submission thing has been an issue for a long time. And yeah, as richpart says I think the BDSM things my girlfriend has been into goes a lot deeper than getting put in pink furry handcuffs once a month. I think it's been pretty full on from what I can tell. She's assured me it isn't an issue as she's seen guys who haven't been into that either and it hasn't been an issue. when she's been seeing them. Whether she's just saying that or not, your guess is as good as mine.

I'm not afraid to talk to her about it as I have done before in the past. The problem is we just don't get anywhere as she can't handle talking about anything that's remotely personal to her, whether it's about BDSM or anything else and she just gets stressed and starts getting really nasty towards me.

I love my girlfriend very much but it's getting to the point where the sexual problems and the unable to communicate about anything issues are getting too much. It feels like there's only so much effort you can put into it. She also seems to have a real bitter outlook on life too which I always end up bearing the brunt of when she wants to let off steam.

The much bigger issue than this is that we now have a baby on a way (that's a another story). I really want to get everything sorted as much as possible so we can be together for the baby. I get a feeling I might just be kidding myself. The way things are going though, I'm not if that's going to be possible.

Thanks again for everyones input though folks. It's been great to get some other honest views.

[Applewhite]

So does that mean what we talked about didn't go so well?!