Clueless

[stabilo]

I'm just looking for some sound advice really. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me almost 4 months ago. I begged and pleaded in the beginning and realised quickly that this was not the way to go. So I gave her space. She is quite stubborn and I knew that she would be sticking to her decision at least for the first month or two (break up reasons include fear of commitment on her part and being confused about her feelings but I know I wasn't being my normal self in our last month together so we both had our part to play in being broken up). It was out of the blue, and barely any warning signs.

 

I sent her a letter after about 5 weeks to say that I was surprised I hadn't heard from her, that I loved her, and wished we could have worked things out. I guess I was still in a bad frame of mind here and didn't really apologise or empathise with what she was feeling. This is the crux because I know now it is her feelings I need to talk about, not mine. She responded negatively. I asked her to meet me about 3 weeks later and she wouldn't (2 month mark). I want to fight for her so bad but don't know how to because I don't want to burn my bridges.

 

Anyway - in the last 2.5/3 weeks she has been warm to me. She contacted me for the first time on her own accord via text at the start of this month and asked how I was and stuff, and did the same last week. I know she isn't going to phone me and she hasn't been TALKING to me that much, but she has been warm and I think it might be a good time to call her. We are both each others first love and we really did have a special relationship for 2 years - it just went downhill mega fast (space of 3-4 weeks) because I think she expected the butterflies to last forever. I really want to meet her but don't want to be rejected again.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to proceed? I know where I went wrong but am still hurt. Do I just try and be friendly, and perhaps increase the interaction from my end or wait for her next move? I was dumped, but I just feel like everybody has a part to play in reconcilation. She should know how I truly feel - I didn't want us to break up but she is a proud person. I haven't done any hardcore pursuing because I know she didn't want that. I tried to respect her space, without telling her, as much as possible, and I just feel like its crunch time before she meets someone else, unless she already has.

[icemann89]

hello.

Im in a same situasion as you and i just admited to myself that i am a good person i am strong i have confidence in me . I grown in the past months , ya i still am hurt but just **** it i will be nice to her cause i am that kind of person.

Best advice be yourself be better for yourself and she will notice you made her fall in love with you once she will remember why she loved you be strong ...

[moonbug]

You are right. Both parties have a role to play in reconciliation. However, the initiative HAS to come from only one side. The side that called it off in the first place. So unless you are sure she wants to get back together, don't even think about it. Go about living your life and focusing on yourself. I can see that you tried going NC but couldn't go long enough. Try keeping out of the scene for now. If she wants to come back, she will look you up. Don't put yourself in a worse spot than the one you are already in, by doing something stupid.

You cannot hope to win her back by beating some other guy to her. If she loves you, she will turn down all the guys in the world for you. And if she doesn't love you, all your efforts are futile anyway. You can't force someone to love you. You loved her for 2 years. And you clearly love her now. She is the one who fell out of love. So if anything is going to happen with you two, she needs to be in love with you. There is nothing you can or should do. Nothing that will help your cause anyway.

Its going to be hard to do nothing and you will feel utterly powerless in the beginning. I (and a lot of others here on ENA) have been there. But there is nothing else that you should be doing now. You have already tried the usual things that land you in misery (the begging, pleading, moping, crying etc). Getting in that loop again will set you back for another several months to come.

So just lay low. She knows how you feel about her. If she feels likewise, she will initiate contact. Cross that bridge if and when you get to it. Till then, focus on moving on. Tell yourself she is gone and in the larger scheme, it has to be for the better.

I am sure you will pull through. Just, DO NOT do anything you will regret later. In fact, right now, do not do anything about it at all.

[quirky]

Hi stabilo

 

What were the reasons you guys split up?I know you mention fear of commitment from her side but you were together for a while so I don't know how valid that is unless something about you doesn't inspire the right trust in her...? What kind of dynamics were in the relationship? For example are you the more chilled out, maybe sometimes passive guy? Is she quite decisive or submissive? I'd like to know before I give any advice

[stabilo]

Hi Quirky Girl

 

Well, she always talked about moving out with me, and how she couldn't wait for that but in February an opportunity came for us to buy a house later this year and she went off the idea straight away or at least got scared. It really upset me and I wasn't understanding at first because it felt like everything was changing. It was weird for about a week but then we were okay, it seemed. The fear of commitment thing struck me too - because it was contrary to all her talk about getting married one day, and how much she wanted to have kids with me (she is 21 and I'm 27). Even a few days before I talked about the opportunity she was looking at houses for us!!!

 

We had kind of the same personalities. I guess I was chilled out, but I could also be quite serious. We both were. I would probably say I'm passive but I also bubble with energy and was generally very enthusiatic about most things, and am very adventerous. She is very shy, and naturally stubborn, and can be unreasonable, therefore submissive but a very sweet and kind girl. Towards the end, I guess we were in a rut. We were not doing as many exciting things and I blame that to the aftermatch of Christmas and bad weather, but we still hang out everyday, or as much as we could. Our first 18/19 months were phenomenal.

 

She also said she didn't want to be in a deep relationship (a bit late for that!!!) and that I wasn't making her happy - that she no longer saw us getting married! This hurt, because I can't imagine how anyone can make her happier. I wasn't very nice to her during our last few weeks together, in that I was spending more time on my own, or just being aloof with her - BUT not always. Even a few days before we broke, I gave her a really passionate kiss by the side of the road, and she told me how much she loved me. We kissed and cuddled everyday. But then the day after that, I said some things to her which I think hurt her feelings - nothing major, and nothing out of anger but I knew they upset her (don't want to go into details because she didn't mention any of these breaking up with me - I just feel like they pushed her over the edge). Perhaps she just didn't think we'd ever go through a rut...

 

Thanks for your responses guys - I know I'd probably screw things up if I contacted her but she is my best friend and its been too long. I want her in my life. It just feels so wrong. But I guess it really has to be her to iniatiate it.

[quirky]

If she is the type of person that wants a lot of reassurance and attention then I understand her behaviour if she felt you were pulling away (what made you do that by the way?) Do you wanna get back together with her, do you feel your issues can be resolved? Do you know what issues she had with you? Since you are not in strict NC and she seems to be making some attempts I personally would appreciate a phone call.

[stabilo]

Yeah she is. She is not attention seeking but does expect attention. So in a way she is quite clingy, but I liked that. I used to dote on her, and perhaps gave her far too much so when I backed off, she took it the wrong way. But I didn't really back off. I never went a day without speaking to her, or 2 days without seeing her. I was just hugging and kissing less (and we used to kiss loads LOL) because I suspect she 'emotionally cheated' on me about a few weeks before Christmas and it hit me hard. She insisted it was totally innocent (not from the other person it wasn't), and we dealt with it, but it really, really hurt. In all fairness, and after giving her the benefit of the doubt, she did make amends but I needed space and everytime she frustrated me, I'd go home annoyed with her more than I should be, and it would affect my mood the next day. I couldn't bring myself to say I needed a week off to cool down coz I knew she'd be devastated. This was very immature of me...and especially so coz a few months later she finished with me, when all my bad behaviour was a reaction to her bad behaviour!!!

 

I'd do anything to be with her. And I have so many romantic ideas, but I need to be in contact WITHOUT rejection, before I can pursue again and put these ideas into practice. I need more signs from her, because I feel like the issues can be resolved. We only ever had 1 fight/argument (over the above). It was 95-99% bliss.

 

But if I call - do I try to patch things up, or just be friendly? Do I just see what vibe I get, and then see what would be worthwhile talking about? Should I be slightly mysterious? Do I say the break up was a good thing, coz it made me realise things...or will this scare her off again coz she might not be willing to discuss? I feel like I shouldn't discuss the relationship yet, coz its been so long, but I don't want her to think that we can just sweep it under the carpet. At the same time, I know I have to wait for her to make the first contact about 'us'.

[ironman]

DAamn Moon,for a minute, i thought you were talking to me...i dont know why i can't let her go, how can she manage to be happy like our relationship didnt even existed

[journeynow]

stabilo,

 

She's 21, been with you for 2 years, since 19. You're older, 27. She might need more time growing up, getting a stronger sense of her self. Speaking from experience, sort of. I was with my husband for 30 years, I was 21, he 23 and he already had a mortgage and was self-employed. We married when I was 22, he 24. In some respects I NOW wish I'd not rushed into marriage, I think I would have been stronger IN the marriage if I'd had a stronger sense of self first, been able to put myself first rather than the relationship first. Hindsight, for what it's worth.

[ironman]

stabilo,

 

she's 21, been with you for 2 years, since 19. You're older, 27. She might need more time growing up, getting a stronger sense of her self. Speaking from experience, sort of. I was with my husband for 30 years, i was 21, he 23 and he already had a mortgage and was self-employed. We married when i was 22, he 24. In some respects i now wish i'd not rushed into marriage, i think i would have been stronger in the marriage if i'd had a stronger sense of self first, been able to put myself first rather than the relationship first. Hindsight, for what it's worth.

my story its kinda the same,my girl brike it off cause ,she doesnt know what she wants in life yet.surprisingly, it sound it to me that she knew what she wanted when she was in a past 5 year relationship,and the guy just didnt commit to her.right now iam 29 she is 24,with the other guy she was 19 he was 25.what do you think about that??

[stabilo]

I understand that she is young, and I respect the fact that it probably had a big influence, but only in the last few weeks it seemed to. I personally think something was bothering her but she kept it from me, and coupled with the fact that we were in a rut, and had a atmosphere after discussing buying a house, she panicked. Only a week before she told me how much she loved me, and we were making plans for the future. I don't know what to do guys. I want her in my life. I might have to call her soon. How shall I approach it? Or shall I really just go NC and let her miss me? Its almost 4 months now

[quirky]

how has the contact been so far? How frequent, quite light chit chat? Have you discussed anything about the relationship?

[stabilo]

No discussion yet...we haven't spoken on the phone in 3.5 months. All contact has been through text message and only in the last 3 weeks she has been friendly to me. The first 1-2.5 months she did not want to talk about it, and basically it was like as if she wanted nothing to do with me. Her contact this month each time has been asking how I am and stuff...so quite light.

[digifreak100]

one of my friends was dating one of my other friends and he spent barely any time with her and practically ignored her so i hung out with her and he got jealous and broke up with her i mean i have feeling for her but i treat her like a sister and dont flirt with her often

 

 

am i the bad guy for braking them up and what should i do(ask her out or contenue to flirt sometime and contenue to act like a brother) but we like each other and wont admit it she shows it by when she gets mad when i talk to other girls i knew

[quirky]

one of my friends was dating one of my other friends and he spent barely any time with her and practically ignored her so i hung out with her and he got jealous and broke up with her i mean i have feeling for her but i treat her like a sister and dont flirt with her often

 

 

am i the bad guy for braking them up and what should i do(ask her out or contenue to flirt sometime and contenue to act like a brother) but we like each other and wont admit it she shows it by when she gets mad when i talk to other girls i knew

 

Digifreak100 what has that got to do with stabilo's situation? Did you post it here by mistake?

 

If you have something to discuss, by all means post a thread and I'm sure we'll help as we can

 

Stabilo how can we know if she's just missing your company or if she wants you back. I'd respond lightly and see how it goes, maybe she's acting tentatively as well? I gotta say though that at any time and with anyone there's the chance of rejection, that's the risk..

[stabilo]

Its hard to say. I responded to her last text, last weekend, but there was no response from her, and I honestly expected one, at least the next day. So I'm confused, why she would be in touch. I know time will tell, but I'm aching to speak to her. I would have to be very very careful, not to burn my bridges.