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Rebound relationship from dumper's POV


tink0688
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS

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So from reading a lot of the other threads it seems like girls, especially the dumpees, are the ones to get into rebound relationships right after a breakup. But what about guys who are also the dumpers? You can read my story called "ex-bf in long distance rebound relationship"...if you want to post there too it would be greatly appreciated!

 

Basically, my bf and I were together for 3.5 years. We broke up and started dating someone 3 days later. They are now in a relationship, but less than 2 months from when they started dating the rebound girl moved away for the summer.

 

From the dumpers point of view, it makes no sense at all (in my opinion). Especially when one of the reasons he gave was to be single and see what else is out there. I see his actions as being disrespectful to the relationship, or am i off here?

 

I guess I just want to see what people think of this new relationship. Why would a dumper get into a rebound relationship? On top of that, why a long distance one? It seems like people say that it could be love and not to count on the rebound relationship not working cuz what if they get married, but we are talking about 21 year olds here....If anyone reading this has been in a rebound relationship, do you get into it consciously knowing its probably a temporary fix? Also, from the rebound girl's point of view, why would she date a guy who just got out of a 3 and a half year relationship? From what I know, it seems like she was the one who went after him, but they barely knew each other before. I know I would never ever do that. It just seems desperate and needy and has no consideration for other people's feelings...Ugh, I hope this doesn't last long...

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This is just my personal opinion, but...........i think a lot of people get into LDR's because they fear commitment. An LDR gives people the chance to be romantic and say i love you's and basically feel all the wonderful feelings associated with being in a relationship. However, the chances of an LDR working are slim and i think on a sub conscious level, those who get into them are basically hiding behind their own commitment fears. There are obviously exceptions and LDR's that do work where the parties are committed, but they are the exception and not the rule.

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Ya that makes sense. He just wants to feeling of having someone who cares about him without being completely obligated....it's just confusing cuz after our first year together in high school, we went long distance for our first 2 years of college. He always said that he didn't regret getting into a LDR but would never recommend that anyone doing what we did...hmm....

 

Do you think he is using the 3 months apart to do the healing that he never did when we broke up...so then he is ready for a real relationship when she comes back? At first I thought the distance would work against them since they have only known each other for a month and a half before they went long distance, but now it might be working in their favor.

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if it is a pattern in his relationships behaviour, then it suggests there are deeper issues there for him than just luck. He is obviously choosing to get involved in situations that become 'difficult' whether that be LDR or some other reason. When he himself suggested that he wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but yet he still does it, it suggests that his sub conscious fear of commitment is overuling his conscious mind.

 

A friend of mine who had two long term relationships with women who had kids said to me 'whatever you do, don't get involved in a relationship with someone who already has children, it's just too difficult'. His relationship broke up and he told me he would never date another woman with kids. 6 months later he met another woman with two kids and got married.

 

and yes i do think it's a rebound

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i get the impression that people who are likely to rebound do so out of an addictive need for connection. it's probably a big part of the reason they leave in the first place. they need that intense connection that happens when people first get together. when a relationship begins to evolve into something less exciting...they begin to look for that intensity...wherever it may come from (another person, maybe). i don't think it corresponds to a conscious decision.

 

this kind of explains why the majority of rebounds don't tend to last. the lack of intensity is a normal part of any relationship that progresses beyond the initial stages of attraction. so, it's bound to happen again...especially when proper healing hasn't been taken advantage of.

 

i've encountered many serial rebounders. they float from relationship to relationship...always seeking salvation in the next one. they are some of the most empty and alone individuals i've ever met.

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Yes, this is all making sense. He is kinda a mommas boy so he is sorta needy in that way. Even though I wasn't expecting the break up, he did mention that we were losing that "honeymoon" feeling and he wanted to feel that way again. I thought after 3.5 years he would have realized that that feeling goes away and I explained that its normal for it to go away. It doesn't mean you don't love each other any less.

 

I hope he realizes that this girl is not a good person (at least I don't think she is). I saw her facebook and the first time they hung out (3 days after our breakup) was when she took him to her sorority formal event as her date. Her status that day was "journeys end in lovers beginning." The day after the formal she wrote that she was "smiling about fate- everything happens for a reason." Correct me if I am wrong here but that is just flat out mean. I don't know why anyone would be happy knowing they are making someone else die inside. I don't know her but I think it is so b*tchy to post something like that on facebook for everyone to see. It is disrespectful to her new boyfriend's past relationship, and if she really loved him the way she says she does then she should respect his past. He is the man he is today because of me! Aghh! Sorry for my venting, but I hope he sees that she is mean, rude, and selfish! It sucks that he is blinded by his "love" for her.

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it's just that initial chemistry and lust that they are acting on. It's new and shiny for them both, but it sounds like your ex has a lot of maturing to do. He doesn't seem to be terribly aware of his emotions, whereas you sound very emotionally mature and you will move on from this. It is likely he will make contact with you again at some point in the future when the new relationship fizzles out, but i'm sure you will probably be past your ex by then

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thanks atelis! you have a lot of good insight and was wondering if you could read my other thread if you don't mind. It has the story there in some more detail and I'm just so confused about the whole wanting him back/NC/long distance rebound thing going on. I was having trouble posting the url but I think you can find it from my profile or its listed under this same category called "ex-bf in long distance rebound." I'd appreciate if you could help me out some more cuz I think you have a lot of good things to say, but of course you don't have to cuz the other one is longer.

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I wish I could be happy for him because I love him very much, but I just can't. I hate how it happened 3 days after we broke up. I hate the things rebound girl posted on facebook. I keep telling myself that it is just a rebound and he will realize what he left. I hope this doesn't last, but I'm scared it will. From her facebook this girl is seriously obsessed with him (I don't even want to get started on that) and I think he likes that attention he is getting from her. But at the same time she is far away so he has a chance to live a "single life" by not being totally obligated to her. By the time they start school again he will be ready to dedicate all his time to her. I dont know! That is my theory, but I hope I am wrong...

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I hate the things rebound girl posted on facebook.

 

I can see why reading those things on her Facebook page would be upsetting to you, but you shouldn't assume they were intended to get back to you, or even intended as commentary on your relationship with your ex. I mean, it's possible she was trying to dig at you I guess, but what seems more likely to me is that those messages were intended for someone from her recent past -- her ex, a guy she'd been crushing on, whatever. Are you even her Facebook friend? If not ... why assume that you were meant to see the posts?

 

But of course you're totally going to feel hostile towards her -- I completely understand. No point in trying to fight it, and I agree with those who guess that they won't last.

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No I'm not friends with her on fb. I've never even met her, but her profile wasn't private. I don't think the updates were meant for me to see, but it looks like she is one of those people who updates her status 10 times a day so she clogs up everyones news feed. She would always write everything they did together and felt compelled to add "with (his name)." She makes updates that are meant for him like "missing you" "counting down the days to see you" "you and me together we can do anything." ...I definitely think she meant it as a dig at me and just to show off to everyone that she is happy with her new boyfriend.

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  • 1 month later...

hey tink.. i'm just now reading this thread. i remember you gave me some good advice with my situation. anyways, i have a theory about this girl and her facebook.

 

1. ppl use facebook as a "ooo look at me and how great i am" device. most things on facebook are complete bull. like ppl posting photos with just their head because they are ashamed of their bodies

 

2. i think she DID put those statuses up there on purpose. why? probably because she's insecure. she has to compete with someone who was with this guy for 3.5 years. no matter what happened in the end, she cannot erase all his memories and feelings. i think she's scared. she's trying to prove to you that they are happy (prob honeymoon stuff though.. not true happiness). he's going to constantly be comparing her to you. i hope you are staying NC and not letting him have his cake and eat it too.

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Tink, my god I cannot believe the similarity between your situation and mine, apart from the LD thing. I wrote another post about when this happened to me a few years ago, history seems to have repeated itself with me unfortunately. Well my current ex, we had a really good relationship, but he started to get friendly with this girl at work and then suddenly broke up with me and a day later, he booked a hotel and they went to have sex there (on what should have been our anniversary, yeah pretty heartless). When we broke up he tried to say 'i just want to be single blah blah' and tried to blame me for everything going wrong, but i knew he was lying so i found out the truth. And it was not pretty.

 

I saw emails he wrote to this girl and they already had pet names for each other, 3 days after our almost 4-year relationship ended! I do not understand how people can do that at all, I know I am going to be single for a long while but I don't really mind that. Oh and I also get to see what she writes on facebook about him, which is horrible but in a way I find this is making me realise he was not the person I thought he was at all. And with each thing I read I become more distant from him emotionally. She has put 'in a relationship', but he has not.

 

It has only been a few weeks since we split and I miss him dearly (I'm only on day 6 of NC tho), even after everything! She is also the complete opposite to me, its very weird. When the last bf who did this to me realised he had majorly screwed up (took him bout 7-8 months) it was way too late. Eventually these types of guys wake and up and realise they have lost you. When he tries to get back in your life, you will find the tables have turned, and then it will be YOU deciding if THEY are good enough for you! Obviously I cannot say this will happen for sure, but this is what I believe.

 

Feel free to pm me if you feel the need. I really know what you are going through, and am going through the same, it is a complete * * * * * to deal with!!

 

Take care and always be the better person.

 

x

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Ok, people really need to log off stupid places like Facebook and Myspace. I can't believe how often different people get messed up because of these things. Facebook is far from essential for anyone, in my opinion. It is something that people do when they have idle time. Yet, when you are emotionally vulnerable, these things can mess your mind up like little else. I have learnt it the hard way and have not logged in there for over a month now. I am not missing anything.

 

I don't mean to take this thread on a different track. But I think 'Logging off from Social Networking sites' should be an essential inclusion in all post breakup advice. Thats the cause of many-a emotional trauma. Hell its the cause of man-a breakup in the first place.

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There was a time when I really liked my friend and she started dating another guy. Even though I knew she really liked me, I told her that she could date her guy and I'd date another girl. Three weeks later she broke up with him while I stupidly stayed in the new relationship.

 

Here's where it sucked. I kept thinking about the first girl wanting to be with her while I was with the new girl. I wanted to go back to the first girl but I didn't think it was fair to the new girl because she hadn't done anything wrong. I found out later that the first girl was devastated by my actions. So there I was...stuck. I stayed with the new girl for 4 yrs while the girl I really liked met and married someone else.

 

Here's a good lesson for all the dumpers. Go with your heart. Don't waste time with someone if you like someone else more. I wasted 4 yrs of my life in a with a girl I never loved. Take action and go..it's not about preserving your significant other's feelings....it's about what's best for you. Only you can know who you should be with and with that, take action today. Don't make the mistake I did.

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Why would you stay with some one you didnt love just because they hadnt done anything wrong?

 

Because I didn't want to hurt her. I was young. I did not know what I know now. You cannot date without pain. For every person you date and break up with there will be pain. You cannot find love without pain for pain is what makes us appreciate how rare and special love is.

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Because I didn't want to hurt her. I was young. I did not know what I know now. You cannot date without pain. For every person you date and break up with there will be pain. You cannot find love without pain for pain is what makes us appreciate how rare and special love is.

 

Well said my brother, well said

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  • 2 years later...

People don't want to deal with the issues of the relationship or their own personal issues. Jumping to a rebound makes it seem like they are "fine" and they are able to distract themselves from really having to deal. I agree that people like to feel like they are in love when they are just telling themselves that because they are scared to be alone.

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Omg the OP's story is fairly similar to mine! my ex (we were together for 4 years and then we went into an LDR) gave up on us 10 weeks into it because he freaked out about us having minimal contact when he went into the military for two years. So he panicked and broke up with me because he started questioning everything and whether he wanted to be in a relationship or not, saying things like 'i don't see myself settling down for 10-15 years.' A couple of weeks later he contacted me saying how much he loved and missed me, yet he still dithered so we agreed to go into 'limbo.' I expressly told him that if he decided that we would no longer be together than I would NOT be his friend. I know this freaked him out. So what does he do? A week later he jumps into a rebound with someone completely inferior to me! So it's obvious why he's in one.

 

My point is some people run from their problems straight into another persons arms because instead of looking at themselves, they rely on anothers comfort and validation. I can just imagine how much she is boosting his ego right now, especially because he'll be the good looking one. She's probably congratulating herself on what a catch he is (LOL!) But it always backfires on these types of people. He really loved me and i was an exemplary gf. I would be surprised if I never heard from him again.

 

Also I found out via fb because the rebound posted a picture of the both of them. I didn't jump to conclusions initially because if all the stress of his moving and the break up, etc wasn't going on she'd be friendzoned. I doubt he would have looked at her twice. I very much suspect that she posted that photo to let me know. It's such an insecure thing to do. I've obviously got a lot more going for me than her but seriously? What a lame thing to do. It makes me laugh now because she's with a guy who's JUST gotten out of a four year relationship who a week previously was telling his ex that he loved her! Yup, what a catch

 

Dumper's who head into rebound's are just entangling themselves in more problems and definitly have issues. My ex is now with an older, single mother. I am young and childless. Smart move? I don't think so!

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Mm, how about exes who say that they've stopped loving you towards the end of the relationship then? But after you break up(mutual), she keeps dropping breadcrumbs, putting you on a string with "I miss you"s and "I still love you but you know we can't be together" and tries to meet up with me for a month or 2, then out of nowhere, she says that she's moved on with someone else. Someone she met while she was dropping you breadcrumbs for a friggin month or so.

 

Moving in with the new guy a few days after they get together, fighting with her mum, making bad friends, planning to quit her job to be a "party planner"???

 

How do you assess such a situation?

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I'm going through a really similar situation and yeah my ex's new gf is posting pics etc but I honestly doubt she is doing it to spite you at the end of the day even if she is it is our own fault for falling into it by checking their social media sites so stop blaming the new girl. Blame him. What has she done besides fall for your ex? Nothing.

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^ I wasn't checking his media, it showed up on my newsfeed with no warning and we were supposed to be working it out. She probably would have done it because there were numerous pictures of us up on his profile anyway. People do warn other people off due to insecurity. I don't have anything against her though. I just feel sorry for her, lol. She get's to deal with his unresolved emotional bs, lol.

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