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How do you deal with relationship insecurities?


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I'm so not good @ this. I have fallen in love with a woman who lights my fire!! She is a really awesome person who has a lot of attention from a lot of people, and I am the same way. For some reason though, I just feel unworthy.. I just have the hardest time with my own insecurities, being that I have been betrayed and hurt so much in the past.

 

We were friends for a long time online until almost two months ago. This is her first time dating a woman.. I'm her first all around. she had a crush on me for the longest and I did too, but when we decided to start this dating, it started with sex and has grown to us loving e/o. I'm also like one of her closest female friends now, so a lot of people are jealous or making notice of the fact that we are spending a lot of time together.

 

I got out of a really bad relationship a year ago and have been single since now. Wasn't sure what was going to come from this and have been trying to keep my emotions under wraps, but she is very receptive to me and we communicate a lot about what this "is". She told me she wasn't sure she can give me what I want out of this because she doesn't believe in labels. She's like that with men too, not just b/c she's scared since I'm a woman.

 

Well I just got done spending five days with her. It was great. I loved every second of it. Even the down time! We did some going out in the glbt community and at first she wasn't very affectionate, but then she warmed up to it and we held hands and touched a lot in public.

 

We are long distance, but not too far.. just a couple hours drive. We drove back to my residence the other day and I felt there was an awkwardness coming from her. She played a song, which the lyrics had messages such as, "i'm scared of loving you" and "even thought we are in love doesn't mean we are meant to be". She played it like four times.

 

Now I know I read into stuff too much.. like I said, I'm an insecure person.. I'm starting to become more aware of this. I still wouldn't do anything to push her away, or hurt her. I am a lover.. when I say I am a lover, I mean I am a GREAT lover.. I will do anything for my lover. But now I'm starting to wonder, if I did something to turn her off or what not.

 

She's spending time with her family, but I haven't heard from her at all. I've seen her messages online and I just feel like she's pulled away suddenly. It could be that since we spent five days with e/o, she feels like we need a break from talking so much. I just wish it could have been established through convo, because now I'm sitting here with all these thoughts going through my head.

 

* * * is wrong with me? LOL. I haven't really said much to her either, because I don't want to overwhelm her, since it's obvious she is busy with her family. I just like, really want to hear from her and see her again before she leaves. Is that a lot to ask? I'm so silly.. I just got it bad for her. She's on my mind all day long and I wonder if I'm on hers.

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Oh wow, that was sucky about the song she played. Some people can be too scared to say how they really feel and try to tell you with round-about ways. I think I'm guilty of that too. And I read TOO much into things too. I think it's a good thing. I just can't bear the emotional wreckage from hurting feelings. Maybe she just got scared thinking she actually felt love?

 

I knew a woman that was so scared to love me when she met me she pushed me away and told me she met someone else she'd rather get to know. Then a month later she came back to me, saying she did it as a test to see how she really felt about me.

 

People are just weird. Maybe you should just ask and get it out. It's no fun to string you along without telling you what's happened. A couple is 2 people.

 

I hope I made some sense!

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Hi, thanks for replying. Actually I'm glad you replied tonight because I'm feeling really insecure about our connection, today. It changes moment by moment, but tonight I just am feeling a lack of love. Even though I have done things to love myself today. Even though I did text her today and say "I love you".. she replied back hours later saying, "I love you too".

 

Things are just different. We don't talk on the phone like we used to. I don't get random romantic texts anymore. We did agree to back up sexually for a while, because we both shared a yeast infection that scared us both. Also, I think our romance had bad timing due to circumstances we are both dealing with separately in our different lives, plus it's long distance.

 

I'm more than likely moving to the city she's in for school. I was having a hard time making the decision, because I didn't want it to be about her. It took a lot of emotional breakdowns for me to realize it's not about her whatsoever and that when I do move out there, it's just for my school and I will expect that we won't ever get to see e/o anyways. If we do and it works out then great, but for the most part I have to keep putting myself first and foremost.

 

By the way, we saw e/o and talked since the last time I wrote this. I did get a confirmation that the song meant exactly how she was feeling. She also tells me how she feels. There is just a lot going on. I'm just having a hard time with the transitioning from the strong mini-romance we had, to now what this is.. do I keep texting romantic stuff, or just let it die? Etc.

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