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Reaching the end of my rope.


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Sorry... nothing productive to share, and certainly nothing positive. Just venting a bit about feeling at rock bottom.

 

Nearly 16 weeks out from D-Day, and I feel worse than day one. I know I'll never get the answers, but I still keep asking myself. Why did she keep me in limbo all this time... and why did I let her? Why, when we'd finally settled into some healthy NC, did she suddenly announce the final end... followed just days later by unprovoked vindictiveness? If she wants this all over, why has she suddenly concocted a plan to drag things on in a nasty way? Could I have been so blind all along to not see narcissistic tendencies? Will this ever end?

 

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

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TT, if there's anything I've learned over the years and the breakups, asking questions to which you yourself cannot research and respond is tantamount to whipping yourself. You'll end up turning the blame on yourself because that becomes the only source of info that you can rationalize.

 

Do anything you can to stop those questions. I have resorted to dropping and doing pushups when I start.

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sorry to hear that tiger.

 

i don't have any advice...but i'm a listening ear. i know the 'vomit' feeling all too well.

 

pain has a strange way of becoming the most transformative power. i know that's not at all what you want to hear...but if you ever wanna talk...send me a message.

 

i'll be thinking about you.

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TT...hang in there...it's just withdrawl from her...and it takes a lot longer than we think, as the denial slowly breakups down and the underlying pain and questions finally come to the surface for us to face. In my experience, there never really is closure when a relationship ends as yours (and mine) did. There is only acceptance, and even though we might want to believe there is some piece of information our ex's have that might help us to understand why they did what they did in leaving us, the reality is there's nothing more to be learned or said. Let the feelings come....it will burn itself out in time as you simply get sick of it...hang in there...I'm in a similar spot I think many days...

Coyote

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I think it's because people grab anything when they fall, and when relationships go bad, it usually hurts everyone and not just the dumper. Even if it were her doing, if she was the puppeteer on the actual dumping, she's actually "dumping" on herself as well at the same time. And if you're not comfortable blaming yourself for your own shortcomings then who do you suppose will be the most convenient door #2? You guessed it.

 

So all she knows is that your relationship no longer exists, that she is in pain, and NC in her mind is equal to "well screw you then" whether that's justified or not. Most of us can't see very far beyond our own realities.

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And to think, all I wanted to do was get my things and say goodbye. I'd be okay after that. Who suddenly flips out like that 3-4 months after the fact?

 

I thought I'd seen it all in 45 years. Wrong again.

 

But thanks for the concerns.

 

 

Every one is different, maybe this is the worst before what will become the best next time around? We support you and we're here. Wish we could help with the pain - I was throwing up last week myself from the sheer cocktail of emotions.

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You know, when I look back on the whole thing, I should have more than a little to be angry about myself - in spite of the fact that I was (of course) her relationship whipping boy. I've lost pretty much everything. And yet, I've never lashed out or acted in an immature way - not once. I guess it's too much to expect to be treated in kind.

 

Bah.

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TT, if there's anything I've learned over the years and the breakups, asking questions to which you yourself cannot research and respond is tantamount to whipping yourself. You'll end up turning the blame on yourself because that becomes the only source of info that you can rationalize.

 

 

Whipping myself..do it everyday. Well said.

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I think it's because people grab anything when they fall, and when relationships go bad, it usually hurts everyone and not just the dumper. Even if it were her doing, if she was the puppeteer on the actual dumping, she's actually "dumping" on herself as well at the same time. And if you're not comfortable blaming yourself for your own shortcomings then who do you suppose will be the most convenient door #2? You guessed it.

 

So all she knows is that your relationship no longer exists, that she is in pain, and NC in her mind is equal to "well screw you then" whether that's justified or not. Most of us can't see very far beyond our own realities.

 

As usual, Jettison gives some great insight.

 

The puppeteer reference brings to mind something that was explained to me. The analogy not being the puppeteer but the director of a movie. The director "needs" everyone to play their roles as he sees fit. They have to stick to his script. When the actors (people in their lives) do not, the director gets upset. He throw a tantrum. Telling everyone one how they are ruining his film (life). He may even fire someone. He may go as so far to stop the production, hire a new crew and start a new movie with new actors.

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The longer time goes on the clearer reality becomes that things are in fact over. With this comes more anger and sadness that wasnt originally there because the shock of the break up inhibited these feelings. Annoucing the final end may be a way to reassure herself it is over and ensure she made the right decision. Just brace yourself for the worst and ignore all the word vommit

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I think it's because people grab anything when they fall, and when relationships go bad, it usually hurts everyone and not just the dumper. Even if it were her doing, if she was the puppeteer on the actual dumping, she's actually "dumping" on herself as well at the same time. And if you're not comfortable blaming yourself for your own shortcomings then who do you suppose will be the most convenient door #2? You guessed it.

 

So all she knows is that your relationship no longer exists, that she is in pain, and NC in her mind is equal to "well screw you then" whether that's justified or not. Most of us can't see very far beyond our own realities.

 

Couldnt have put it better myself... TT i am in the same situation as you except my ex did some bad things in the end, asked me for space, cheated on me, lied about it and used me all within a week when the week before i was still getting the "i love you's"

 

but here i am 2 months on, finally went NC a week ago, only for her to get angry at my request for NC and then she goes and tries to turn herself into the victim here having seemingly forgotten about sleeping with another guy... but the fact that we cant keep in touch now is apparently my fault and she aint happy... * * * ?!?!?

 

All this after a fair, pleasant and concise email explaining why i need NC now, yet she throws her toys out of the pram now. As jettison says, i think more people than we realise have narcissistic tendancies and cant see past their own reality and cannot empathise... my ex seems to be shutting out her wrong doings as i dont think she can deal with the fact that she did a really bad thing to a good person and turned him into a mess. She is not willing and cant take responsibility for what she did and how she behaved. How cowardly is that? Maybe your ex is the same TT?

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

In a sense, I'm almost embarrassed with myself for being stuck in this way. I'm not exactly a beginner to relationships/break ups, and believe I have at least a rudimentary grasp on psychology. But this one? She's turned out to be an enigma all her own.

 

I think it's safe to say that there could be elements to all this that suggest she's experiencing levels of hurt. I mean, who has 'recovered' and lost all feeling for a 3+ year relationship, living together - engaged - in a few months? And it does seem reactive to break weeks of NC by announcing it's over (again). But hey, I guess it is what it is, and I would certainly respect that at face value. Let me get my things (as she requested I do), and say goodbye.

 

But no... she's not going to let things be as easy as that. I show literally just one sentence of assertiveness about making plans - and she goes off the deep end. So now, instead of just getting the last chapter over with, she's turned downright mean, is trying to extort me, and has left this as a potentially drawn out mess. Does this sound like someone who just wants it over and to move on?

 

Ah well. Just venting. At 4 months out, I should be in a much better place. She just finds new ways to not let that happen... ](*,)

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*shaking head*

 

Finally a reply. On the plus side, I will be getting my things. On the minus side, I'm apparently only looking out for myself, and "confirms what she had suspected all along"... and she feels so "liberated" now.

 

So, I'm the bad guy.

 

She dumps me, leaves me hanging in limbo for months, does a secondary dump, tries to extort money out of me, knows I invested everything I had into this union, and that I lost everything...

 

But I'm the one that's selfish.

 

The thing is, I'm not even shocked or angry. I just feel sorry for her.

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Well, sorry is better than angry. Poor TT. I'd take you out for a beer if you were around. You and I both know that the persectives on either side leading to a breakup are often skewed a lot. Hers seems very misguided, whether her own fault or by friends, but either way nothing you can do about it. Just try to keep her from the extortion thing and accept that it's better to know this now than 5 years down the road

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Thanks, CO. If I were to have any anger, it's towards myself. I'm very much a, "once bitten, twice shy" kind of person. Anyone who knows my history could understand why. I was sure of this one. No doubt at all. Then again, I don't know how anyone could have foreseen this sort of outcome.

 

I'm just going to bite my tongue through the rest of what's left to do. I don't see the point (though it IS tempting to want to defend myself). She's just too 'out there' with anger right now (which I don't understand exactly why this started now, but...), and no counter-arguing or logic would get through.

 

Sigh.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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