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Guys: Why do you pull the "friend" card?


Ivory_Tower

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To All Guys,

 

When you tell a girl during a break up that you want to be friends, but that its going to take a little bit of time...what do you mean?

 

I was very calm when my ex broke up with me. He said that he still wanted to be friends, and has not called me since the break-up. I have my pride and I haven't bothered to get into contact with him because he was really unkind to me. I figured, it was his idea, so he can call ME!

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I don't.. I'm more realistic than that. I know better because my feelings will always get in the way.

 

Ah, I see what you mean. I guess their will always be feelings on both sides to some degree.

 

I guess I'm still left to wonder WHY my ex pulled the friend card. It wasn't even my idea.

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Maybe he cares about you, and wants you in his life, but realizes he needs some time apart to figure things out and get over the relationship? I don't believe its possible to go right from being in a relationship to being friends, I do believe it can be done with time however.

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A lot of people throw in the "let's be friends" line after the breakup because it makes them feel less bad. They don't want to feel like they're removing you from their life forever or making an enemy by breaking up with you, so they make sure you know their intention is to be friends, regardless of whether or not its true.

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To All Guys,

 

When you tell a girl during a break up that you want to be friends, but that its going to take a little bit of time...what do you mean?

 

I was very calm when my ex broke up with me. He said that he still wanted to be friends, and has not called me since the break-up. I have my pride and I haven't bothered to get into contact with him because he was really unkind to me. I figured, it was his idea, so he can call ME!

 

 

its usually to keep you as a back up plan, or it could be to lessen the the blow of seperation and hope that it stays quiet.

 

yes let him make the first move, he wants his cake and eat it.

 

this guy is a player, give him the spanish archer for good!

 

its good to see your aware of keeping your dignity, keep it and dont lose sight of it, he wants you as the "break glass for vagina in case of emergency"

 

dont let him do that to you, you seem very savvy so i dont think your judgement will be clouded.

if he was horrid to you, why stick in there???

 

good luck and i hope this helps

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I think the most well-intentioned of people hope for a friendship 'someday' after enough water has run under the bridge. Too soon only means one person will likely manipulate, while the other resents the manipulation. Friendship isn't really possible unless both people are completely over the break and neither senses that the other is going to try to get the relationship back.

 

Frankly, I don't see much value in this unless you're trapped in school with the ex and need to share the same social circles, or unless there are children shared.

 

Anyway, my heart goes out to you, and I hope this gets easier for you soon.

 

In your corner.

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To All Guys,

 

When you tell a girl during a break up that you want to be friends, but that its going to take a little bit of time...what do you mean?

 

I was very calm when my ex broke up with me. He said that he still wanted to be friends, and has not called me since the break-up. I have my pride and I haven't bothered to get into contact with him because he was really unkind to me. I figured, it was his idea, so he can call ME!

I'm not a guy but one of my guy friends says he does that because he's not completely sure he wants to break up with the girl. He still wants the freedom to call, see you and hang out as "friends" but in reality he just wants you to stick around in case he changes his mind and wants to get back with you.

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I'm not a guy but one of my guy friends says he does that because he's not completely sure he wants to break up with the girl. He still wants the freedom to call, see you and hang out as "friends" but in reality he just wants you to stick around in case he changes his mind and wants to get back with you.

 

That is what one of my friends said too. Frankly though, he broke it off with me. I still care about him, but he was kind of cruel to me about the break-up despite the fact that I tried to be as polite as possible about everything. I really think I should retain my pride if he tried anything at all. He lost his chance.

 

Do you agree or disagree?

 

I just feel like if a person really cared about you, then they wouldn't treat you poorly. I know that my friends certainly don't.

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That is what one of my friends said too. Frankly though, he broke it off with me. I still care about him, but he was kind of cruel to me about the break-up despite the fact that I tried to be as polite as possible about everything. I really think I should retain my pride if he tried anything at all. He lost his chance.

 

Do you agree or disagree?

 

I just feel like if a person really cared about you, then they wouldn't treat you poorly. I know that my friends certainly don't.

 

well he really has showed his true colours then, didnt he. what a knob!

 

you are the bigger one here not him, yes keep that pride and dignity and you will find it will get you through the healing a lot quicker and you will be even stronger knowing that he was the * * * * * * * here and not you, a nice place to be really, quite a triumphant split! dont see many of them!

 

he has issues hun, leave them with him, well dodged if you ask me!!

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well he really has showed his true colours then, didnt he. what a knob!

 

you are the bigger one here not him, yes keep that pride and dignity and you will find it will get you through the healing a lot quicker and you will be even stronger knowing that he was the * * * * * * * here and not you, a nice place to be really, quite a triumphant split! dont see many of them!

 

he has issues hun, leave them with him, well dodged if you ask me!!

 

You would NOT believe the * * * * this guy pulled. Would you be interested in hearing my break-up story?

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That is what one of my friends said too. Frankly though, he broke it off with me. I still care about him, but he was kind of cruel to me about the break-up despite the fact that I tried to be as polite as possible about everything. I really think I should retain my pride if he tried anything at all. He lost his chance.

 

Do you agree or disagree?

 

I just feel like if a person really cared about you, then they wouldn't treat you poorly. I know that my friends certainly don't.

Well, I have to admit that I've treated my ex boyfriends poorly and said things I didn't mean when I was angry at them. That's common. I've regretted them later.

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You would NOT believe the * * * * this guy pulled. Would you be interested in hearing my break-up story?

 

I remember....

 

He in particular would have said it to avoid as much fall out as possible.

 

Others have a multitude of reasons, some are genuine, some just want Friends With Benefits (or the not so polite way of putting it

 

Generally, the more painful it is for THEM the more they want to be friends (which actually means staying in touch), as some kind of half way house to completely stopping seeing you. Problems arise when either the dumper or the dumpee (and to be honest it's usually the dumpee) just can't cope with that idea - why should they, they thought the guy was for life and don't want to lose them.....in those circumtances, the dumpee ends up in a world of pain for a while then in most cases goes NC as they can't handle it.

 

Others are quite right to say that only when you have completely moved on, and they have as well, do you have the possibility of being proper friends afterwards.

 

Oh yeah, and you're right, friends means staying in touch and caring what happens to the other person. He didn't mean it.

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Well said Pixiedoc. Its very nice having you on this forum.

 

I think in the back of my subconscious somewhere I really must have thought this guy was for life (not that I ever stated that) and he of course had other ideas. And as you put it I really can't handle the idea of being friends anyways. Even if things had ended on better terms (but he was a total jerk) I still would find it very hard.

 

It breaks my heart to say this, but by the time I really "move on" I don't believe I will want anything from him, nor will I expect anything. And really out of respect for my situation and for myself I refuse to be friends will someone who dumps me the very day I need that person most. I keep telling myself this over and over again. I loved him, but that sure as hell makes it easier to cope.

 

And if he tried to pull "the friends with benefits" card I will truly laugh in his face. I am so glad that I put a stop to us both being physical before the break-up. Religion and morality aside, I could sense that something was wrong! I'm really glad that I trusted myself. Clearly, he didn't love me or he would have stuck around with or without the possibility of being physical. I also feel like I could sense that he wasn't REALLY commited before he ever said he didn't want to marry me. I'm glad that I listened to myself even though I'm in pain right now.

 

And as for avoiding fallout...I have politely told some of my friends the situation without even cursing or bashing him. They are extremely angry about the entire thing. In fact, I had to put a stop to some of them trying to haze his house or something this weekend. They even wanted me to give them the exact address and show them where his car would be. WOW. I feel (chuckles) that they MIGHT even be angrier than I am. I don't really know how that happened. I wasn't even spreading rumors or * * * * around. I simply explained that I'm really hurt over what happened. His line didn't work. Now he won't be able to date any of my attractive friends...or their friends...or even their friends...

 

Guys, when you act like a real jerk word gets around in one way or another. It doesn't even mean your ex did it on purpose.

 

=D>\\

 

What do you think pixidoc?

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You know, I was given the friend card, I was also told long ago by my ex that sometimes former lovers end up being better friends only... and after a month of us arguing, I believe he put me in that category. He wanted me to remain friends with him, and I said no. He freaked out, and pleaded for me to stay around, that he was losing his closest friend, etc. But in terms of a relationship... he said it's not like he could turn on old feelings on again... this was after what... 3 weeks?

 

I haven't heard from him since... it's only been less than 3 weeks as well, and while he and i were friends before, he was always trying to chase me, etc etc. So I remain confused... because really this friends thing is truly a cop out.

 

So similar to me! It was my ex's idea to be friends, not my own. Har har. I believe that IF I had refused he would have been very upset. So ironic when he is the one kicking ME to the curb. Dream SO Big.

 

And don't fret, I haven't heard from my ex either. The * * * * if I'm calling that bastard. I hope that word spreads around that I got a job as a face model. He used to tell me I was "no supermodel". I love payback that doesn't involve doing anything but being yourself.

 

Your ex is a liar, just like mine. In the end its ALL ABOUT THEM, it has nothing to do with you. Pure selfishness I believe.

 

Pathetic. [-X

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I think my boyfriend did it because he was able to detatch himself completely emotionally but thought that it would be a good idea to carry on having some "fun"!!

 

Had he really cared about me he would have considered my feelings and would have known that I only agreed to it because I wasn't ready to let go. He should NEVER have asked me. He should NEVER have made me feel so sad. He should NEVER have made out how sad he was. I should NEVER have agreed. It was for his own selfish benefit. He kidded himself into thinking I wasn't emotionally attached and that we were two consenting adults just wanting fun when really he damn well knew how I felt. But how incredibly weak of me.

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Your ex is a liar, just like mine. In the end its ALL ABOUT THEM, it has nothing to do with you. Pure selfishness I believe.

 

Pathetic. [-X

 

 

The thing is that I know it has to do with selfishness, he admitted that he was too immature to be in a relationship etc...however no matter how i contributed to the downfall, no matter how I could have prevented some things, the fact remains that if he really wanted to be friends, he'd know that repair needs to be done. So NC it is until he contacts me, if he ever truly does.

 

He loves/d me, he just simply loves himself more.

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*sigh* what a shame these guys throw something that's good away.

 

Y'know, religion and its more strict adherents have a lot to be criticised for, but in your case IvoryTower, combined with your instincts, it may have 'saved' you from this guy, as you are now stronger and still able to learn from all this.

 

Your posts show you to be getting stronger and stronger, which will attract the right sort of person for you - one who is prepared to meet you in the middle and have principles he stands by, as you have.

 

Have a great weekend and know that you are well on the way to leaving this loser behind

 

*Hugs*

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