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Is this guy putting enough effort in (long post)


Lana85
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Hi everyone so i've been talking to this guy for about a month. He lives in Brooklyn, Ny and I live in North Jersey, so we do have a long distance thing going on. Well we have hung out a few times already but we haven't done a real dinner or movies type of date. The first time I hung out with him was for happy hour with my friends and his friends and the second time we hung out at his favorite local bar in Brooklyn with my and his friends. Then my friend who is also dating a guy in Bk said we should all have dinner together in Brooklyn on a Sat night. So basically it would be me, my guy, her, and her guy. At first I thought it would be weird but I asked the guy anyway and he said yea. I told him we would just all go for dinner and then go our own separate way after to spend time alone. However, when the time came, he said he was tired and wasn't in the mood for dinner or anything. "His mind wasn't in it" his exact words. Then later he texts me saying if i want to meet for drinks around 11 pm at his favorite local bar. Since I was still going to Bk with my friends, I told him maybe. As the night progressed I ended up meeting up with him for drinks and later hooked up with him (I didn't sleep with him) and then went back to Jersey. Then last Sat I drove to Bk by myself after work to hang out with him. Again we went to the fav. bar and hooked up again. He wanted to have sex but I told him i wasn't comfortable with it yet. I told him I would like to go to dinner or the movies and he's like yea definitely but he never plans anything. Monday night I told him I wanted to go to the movies and I said maybe we should go next Saturday. He says maybe but told me he does not want to make plans with me because he does not want to break them. He told me thats what boyfriends and girlfriends do and said we're not at that stage yet. He basically said he doesn't want to make plans cuz something might come up. Like maybe his friends want to go somewhere or what if he has a chance to go skydiving (yea he said those things) I didn't really agree with him on any of that. So, he's like maybe we can go Tuesday night but he's like no promises though cuz he had to wake up early the next day. Yesterday (which is Tuesday) he calls me at 9:30 pm and asks if i wanna go to the movies. He basically wanted me to drive to bk for a 11 pm movie. I was like why didn't you let me know earlier. I told him straight up I wasn't going to wait around for him and I already made other plans with my friends as well. He told me he called late cuz he thought of going to the movies last minute, he's like I like being spontaneous and not plan everything. I told him he should come to Jersey because I always drive to BK. He's like i don't want to get lost and blah blah even though last week he told me he would have no problem coming to Jersey because he had met me in Jersey. So it seems like he has no intention ever to drive to Jersey and this annoys me. He doesn't take me out to dinner cuz he says right now he doesn't have money but he does buy me drinks at his favorite bar lol so idk and he invited me to come to bk for the weekend cuz his parents are away. He didn't ask me, he bascially said "so your coming to sleepover" as a statement rather than a question. So I dunno know if I should continue seeing this guy? I feel he is not putting enough effort in and kind of being lazy. What should I do? What are your thoughts? Thanks for the help and sorry it's so long

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It sounds like he's not taking this whole thing as seriously as you are. He's down for a hookup when it's cheap or convenient, but doesn't feel the need to do anything beyond that. I'd say he's either not as into you as you are him, or he's juggling other things (possibly other girls) back in Brooklyn and needs to plan his schedule around that. You could always keep seeing him if you're looking for something casual, but I wouldn't consider him dating material at this point.

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i agree with sparkles. sounds like he's not all that interested in pursuing a relationship with you, but doesn't mind meeting up for drinks and more should the mood strike him. but he definitely isn't doing 'boyfriend-like' things, like planning dates in advance, asking you out, making sure he gets to see you, etc.... i would look to date someone else, if you are looking for a serious bf.

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Thanks guys for your advice! Yea it does seem like he wants something more casual and to be honest i'm starting to find out a lot of things about him that makes me not want a relationship with him. To be honest I'm not really looking for a relationship but at the same time I want to be taken out to dinner or movies or anything else creative for that matter. I feel like I always settle with guys and i'm not going to do it anymore.

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Also when I didn't go to the movies with him on Tuesday night, we were texting each other and he's like I'm at the bar(the one he always goes to lol) and he's like you're missing out and saying things like "you could be hanging out with me" and "do you wish you were hanging out with me". I dunno but that kind of annoyed me, he makes it sound like its a privilege to hang out with him or something. I dunno if he thinks i'm wrapped around his finger because that is not the case

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I KNOW THIS GUY!! I was dating this guy for a while and he tried the same thing on me. No way! Not being able to commit to a date is a dealbreaker. It obviously means he is hoping something better comes up and if not he can always fall back on you. And if 'something better' comes up he can go guilt free! If a guy likes you he will commit to a date.

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