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Will it ever be normal again?


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This is going to be a long post...

I have had a terrible childhood (raped when I was 6 over and over, father leaving our family time and again, mother with several affairs, - and all this in a SE Asian country where a single mother is frowned upon, etc). When I was 16, I found my perfect guy, we were together and he helped me through my worst times. We came to the US and were in a long distance relationship (LDR) for about 8 months. I dont know what happened to me and I am terribly ashamed of this, but I had an affair with a guy during the first 3 months of our LDR. This was the time my bf needed me the most as he was suffering but I felt so detached at the time to everything (not that I was really in love with the other guy either, he used to control me to such an extent I couldnt even take a shower for long without his asking questions).

This broke my bf's heart, needless to say, I was such a * * * * * . After this I begged him to take me back and I have tried my best to heal his wounds. His outbursts went from sarcastic to verbally abusive. But when he is loving, he is the most gentlemanly person. This has gone on for 8 years and we are now married. He still has trust issues and says that he has a love-hate relationship towards me. He believes that I would leave him any minute although I have tried to work very hard and tried to be understanding, but am scared of him all the time because of his outbursts.

 

Our relationship is now at cross-roads. He is willing to go to therapy but is not sure if it will work. So we are wondering if it is even worth staying together bruising each other more and more, but we love each other as well. We both have brought upon each other so much pain. I am conflicted. Maybe he deserves someone better, but I dont know if leaving him is going to help him. At the same time I know that he loves me a lot. Please help.

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I have been to counseling a couple of times and my counselor also feels that we should go in for couples therapy.

 

Frankly, he should have let go a long time ago. I bet he is not some sort of a saint, even if he maybe hasn't cheated on you. But a mature person would work on this on his own and not keep bringing it back, except if there was some suspicion about cheating again. This is not a healthy relationship: you being all meek and he taking advantage of your past weakness!

And I'm now speaking from the point of view of someone who has recently found out about her fiance's cheating...I am hurt, I did suffer, but if I do decide to take him back ever I will try to build something with him not put him against the wall like this (and what he did is much worse than your situation was). Cheating is very wrong and I now know the feeling but...some people do deserve a second chance! And his saying he is in a love-hate relationship with you is again unhealthy.

What I see as abnormal here is his behavior - he married you and decided to trust you again (and I think there is no relationship without the trust issues) - sure, he can have his doubts from time to time but this should not be an ongoing process, by no means so!

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What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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