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so...i emailed my ex last night i know it's a supposed carnal sin in the NC world...but it's something i felt i needed to do. it was only a brief note...suggesting that i'd like to talk (only talk...no mention of the relationship...or getting back together). i have no intentions of trying to get back together at this point (the possibility of that happening in the future still holds a certain excitement)...but it feels important to at least have some marginal form of contact.

 

we split up in january...after a year that saw both of us slip into depressions of varying degrees. i'm not sure it's relevent...but we were together for a total of six years.

 

since that time...i'm been confronted with the darkest sides of myself. i was in such a despondent state that i considered the idea of just falling off the face of the planet. there was so much pain...so much negativity. i've been doing a lot of ''searching'' (i'm sure there's a better word) into the reasons i have behaved the way i have in the past. and i feel i've come to some very worthwhile conclusions. i've discovered the root causes of my depression. i've discovered, essentially, why i've been unhappy in virtually all aspects of my life. most of it comes from a distant childhood. i've adapted certain patterns that are ways to avoid danger. it's all about self-preservation...protection. it's been an enlightening experience to say the least. it's so interesting to discover WHY you believe things. it's even more interesting to discover HOW those behaviors have affected my personal relationships with people. there has been a radical shift in my perception.

i know that this avoidance of danger has allowed certain attributes to become very dominant...while others that are essential to my own sense of self-worth and happiness have been suppressed. it's been happening for so long that there's never been any reason to question. people DO change. it's well within our power to do that; however, it seems that we must encounter the right circumstance to find the motivation for that. for me, it was tremendous pain...both from the loss of someone i love...and the new awareness

that my own behaviors (which i once believed and defended ruthlessly) were very much a part of creating that loss.

 

i know i've achieved some long-needed growth. i think in the past 2 or 3 years...i've been stagnant in that department. i have a new vitality these days. i feel like i have some semblence of control again. things EXCITE me again. it makes me smile to acknowledge that fact.

 

anyway. i got a reply. i'm a little surprised by that fact...especially because it came so quickly. it was brief...and basically suggested that some small exchanges would be accepted...but that it might be better if the onus was on me to initiate.

 

i only know that there was an overwhelming need for some action...however small. i've been thinking about it alot for the past few days. i know i've accepted the fact that this won't progress into anything in the near future. i imagine she's being cautious...but i think there's also a possibility that she's only being kind. i know i have to be strong at this point...because the thoughts of future potential slipping away still bring a sinking feeling into my gut (but at least it's managable).

 

i'm wondering if anyone has any comments on the whole email situation. i'm only looking for opinions...not so much in the way of advice. any opinions on what your perceptions might tell you about return contact...and the fact that it came rather quickly.

 

thanks for anyone who read through. it's appreciated.

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It's sounds like you are trying to get people to validate your current opinion. Personally, I had a bad experience meeting up with my ex after some months. She just met up to be nice and was dating someone else at the time. It didn't set me back too much, so I'd say go ahead and test the waters a little. In my opinion, however, the best success would probably be after enough time where she wouldn't even know you if she met up with you. Reconciliations seem to work best in these situations where people have reinvented themselves, b/c otherwise you're just the same person that she broke up with. I will validate your thought that a fast response could be good. Of course, then again, maybe not. You know none of us contain the answers.

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It's sounds like you are trying to get people to validate your current opinion. Personally, I had a bad experience meeting up with my ex after some months. She just met up to be nice and was dating someone else at the time. It didn't set me back too much, so I'd say go ahead and test the waters a little. In my opinion, however, the best success would probably be after enough time where she wouldn't even know you if she met up with you. Reconciliations seem to work best in these situations where people have reinvented themselves, b/c otherwise you're just the same person that she broke up with. I will validate your thought that a fast response could be good. Of course, then again, maybe not. You know none of us contain the answers.

 

that's a good point...and one that i agree with.

 

you might be right about the validation. i think most posts contain some desire for that validation.

 

i know i am quite different in many ways (since we split up)...but i'm not convinced that i've allowed enough time to really put those changes into

practice (whereby i will have undergone a transformation of sorts).

 

i can mention that i have no desire for a meeting at this point...so i'm not sure i'd consider it testing the waters at this point. i might be misleading myself there though. perhaps that fact in itself is a sign that it's much too soon to have any kind of serious contact.

 

i'm a little excited to be having this whole experience though. regardless of the outcome...i can see it being a great learning experience.

 

i appreciate your response longdist. i appreciate the honesty.

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i'm wondering if anyone has any comments on the whole email situation.

 

While you are still so besotted with her I would advise you don't have any contact. It will only mean you live in this middle ground for longer than you need to.

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While you are still so besotted with her I would advise you don't have any contact. It will only mean you live in this middle ground for longer than you need to.

 

heh...besotted. i think that stings because there is a little bit of accuracy to it.

 

i appreciate what you're saying, melrich. can you elaborate at all?

 

do you think i'm hindering my period of healing by embracing the possibility of initiating a low level of contact? do you have any personal experience to draw from?

 

where do you draw the line with no contact? it's never been my intent to awaken feelings in her through this period. it's been strictly a neccesity for my own period of growth. are you suggesting that i continue with my progression until i'm in a place where i'm comfortable with it? or are you suggesting that i let go completely?

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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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