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My Unsure Situation >sexual content<


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Ok, this is my first thread so I will start with a brief intro of myself. (Preapology- sorry for the lenth of this thread)

 

You all can call me TJ, I'm 24, grew up and live in a small town in Pennsylvania. I have very stong opinions but I'm very open minded with people and ideas. My hobbies include working on muscle cars and jeeps, gun collecting, fishing, kayaking, rock climbing, hiking, and swimming. So I would venture to say I am just some average guy, with the exception that I am gay. I am out to my friends and family but most people don't know (it doesn't involve them so they don't need to know.) Thankfully my family is very accepting along with my friends which are composed of mostly straight males. If I don't say anything about myself people never know. I don't mean to offend but I don't really dig the "fem" boys, if I wanted a girl I would date one. Ok that's enough about me, if you would like to know more then just pm me.

 

Onto the "issue."

 

I am in a relationship with an individual we will call S. He is 21, very straight acting, we have very similar interests, and we have dated for nearly 2 years before actually making it official on Christmas Day last year (long story, not the time or the thread for this.) I moved back in with my mother this year for employment reasons and S still lives with his parents while attending college. His family doesn't know about us even though we are fairly sure they have an idea. When we dated we saw each other about 1-3 times a week and once we made it official our visits went up to near daily. Our sex life has always been active throughout the last few years. After the relationship started, his sex drive appeared to diminish and he said that it only seemed like it started to slow because we were seeing each other more often. So my initial fears were calmed. I understand that my sex drive is a lot more prominent than his, so I make sure that I never force anything onto him and was understanding when he didn't want to do anything. We usually withhold any type of sexual activity for a few days so that we are both in the mood when the moment comes along. We started doing this because S isn't always "horny" like I am but when he doesn't do anything for a few days he really gets in the mood. It has been working well, but the first true issue we had was even though we are with each other everyday and S knows I am essentially "on-call" if he ever gets aroused, he still had a strong want to masturbate. S would forgoe sex with me so that he could masturbate after I left. When I found this out I wasn't really angry, just kind of confused and frustrated. I related it to be like a separate sex drive when I explained how I felt. I was worried that S had lost attraction for me (a similar event happened in my past) and he couldn't get aroused by me very often, only when it was a couple days since he had "gotten off." So I told him how I felt and my worries about the situation. I told S "I didn't understand when you have a bf that obviously wants to have sex, why you would rather masturbate?" He genuinely felt bad and told me that his attraction for me has not faltered and that he didn't even notice what he was doing. S figured that it was just before he knew me he didn't ever have anyone so all he had was masturbation and even when we were dating he was alone most of the time so it was something that he did often. He told me that it was just something that he was accustomed to and that he liked doing it. The only problem I had with it was that it did affect our sexual relationship when he did it because if he would do it, he wouldn't be aroused for like a day afterwards. So if we had been saving up for days and he was browsing some sites and accidentally came, it was pretty much a kill for any sexual engagements later on in that day. S did feel bad when I brought this up because he was afraid I was disappointed in him, which I wasn't, I just didn't understand. He offered to completely stop masturbating for me but I am extremely against anyone changing because someone wants them to, I don't like controlling any aspect of him. So I explained that to him.

 

In order to fix our first issue, S only does it after we do stuff. But for some reason I am still very distraught over this. I have offered to "help him out" with that before I leave or even just do the same beside him while we look at porn so that we both are pleased. In a way I do understand why he still has a strong urge for it but I still want to be a part of it. He says if I am around then it isn't the same. It does seem like a separate sex drive because having sex with me doesn't stop S from doing it, but if he gets off then it does negatively affect our sexual experience the next day or two. This topic is really the only issue we actually have, the rest of our relationship is perfect. It probably seems so minimal to people reading this but this has been causing large amounts of frustration on both of our parts and I don't know what to do. I am starting to feel like I am the wrong one in this matter because with the arrangement we have now with him doing it after we have had sex, it doesn't really hamper our sex life. It is just I still would like to do stuff and when he jacks off instead of having his offering bf to do it for him I start to feel like the attraction for me isn't there and that he is unsatisfied which makes me feel inadequate. I have had a few relationships before and when similar situations occur it is always bad for me, and even with this past I still try not to compare S to them. I do believe what he says about his attraction still strong for me, I just am having such an issue getting over and understanding this for some reason. Is this something normal? Does anyone else have or has had an issue like this? I feel like I shouldn't really mind being as we still have sex often, but I still get frustrated. Do I have any ground to be frustrated? I feel so greedy and self centered right now. I don't really have anyone that I feel comfortable discussing this about with, so that's why I came here, searching for help. I don't know if I should feel wrong or not, and either way, does anyone have ideas about how to come to amends on this? So please if you can give any advice, let me know. I will greatly appreciate it. Again, sorry for the novel.

 

Thanks for your time,

TJ

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no experience to comment properly, but some suggestions:

 

1. try mutuals,

2. if he says its not the same when you are there, maybe you could sit away in the room, and he does his stuff, and you watch, at first, then later get closer and help him out

 

good luck sorting it out

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Thanks Chief,

We tried mutual and being in the same room, that is what caused him to say that me being there is different. We have an arrangement now that when he does stuff he will send me a pic and visa versa. I am slowly working towards him wanting me to be a part of it. I like to see it get closer to that point but it does make me feel somewhat inconsiderate of what he wants. I have been making sure that he understands how I am feeling and planning all the time so that if he feels I am overstepping his wants and needs he has the availability to stop.

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TikTok Advice For Relationships Sucks

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