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Need Advice ASAP


jhcutt

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Ok, here's the bottom line. The whole story...

 

I am 22 years old, My girlfriend is 18. I have been at junior college for 2 years, and she just graduated high school. We are both getting ready to start our first year at KU. Me as a junior, her as a freshman. We met in April of this year.

 

Things went really really fast in the beginning. Sex all the time, PDA and Messing around constantly. It went like that for a while until we started to finally make a connection. Before we decided to start dating, we had time apart due to school and finals coming up and work. We got to see each other like every friday, sometimes saturday and sometimes sunday.

 

After school got out, we were hanging out all the time. THings were moving very fast and we didnt even know it. May 7th came around and we decided to start dating. It was everything that we wanted, I asked her out, and she was hoping I was going to ask her out. THe moment we started dating, we talking about having good communication, good space, our ex relationships and how we would do whatever we could not to make the same mistakes we have in the past. ANd of course, age difference. We came to an agreement that the age difference didn't bother us what so ever, and it was not a factor.

 

Things went GREAT for the first month. It was just like how it was when we first locked eyes with each other. We enjoyed spending time together, we glowed when we were with each other, we had sex a lot. Everything was perfect. We were talking all the time.

 

However a month down the road, we ran into our first conflict. Things were changing, sex stopped happening, and the passion we used to have had started to slow down. I could tell by the way she looked at me that something was wrong. So knowing we had good communication, I asked her if she wanted to talk about it in person. I came over to her house one night and we talked for about an hour or so. We took turns addressing what was wrong. She said that things were moving too fast, and it was starting to look like exactly how her last relationship started. She was scared pretty much, because she didnt want a repeat of it.

 

It looked like things were dim, and were about to end. However, when I talked about my side of the story, I simply listened to everything she said, and I brought upon the idea that maybe we should slow things down a little bit and see if we can make this work. She agreed that that is what she wanted to do. After the talk, we hung out with each other byourselves for a little bit, and I could already tell things were getting back on track. Communication had improved that very second. After I left her house that night to go hang out with my friends and she went to hang out with her friends, I could tell by the way she was texting me and looking at me as I left her house, that she really wanted to hang out with me that night. But she didn't want to contradict what we had just agreed upon.

 

From there on out, until this day. We have been dating since May 7th. It is now June 16th. Everything slowly started to get back on track. Yeah, the PDA hasn't been high lately, and we havent had sex still. However, I haven't been pressuring her what so ever to do any of that stuff, because I know thats the last thing that I want her to feel, is pressure. And I know if she wants to have sex, she will tell/show me. I can still tell that the feelings are there, because she still continues to show me that she wants me around. She still wants to hold hands, and kiss from time to time. We aren't 100% all over each other like we were inthe beginning, but things have still been good.

 

We text each other every day, however the other night after we went to a 311 concert together and had a great time. The very next day when I went to my car afterwards, she goes "Text me when you get home, and Ill call you when I get off work tomorrow"

 

I texted her letting her know that I got home safe. But the next day, I waited and waited for her call, no response. It was the first day that we had gone without talking... ever.

 

I know relationships has there ups and downs, we havent gotten in a couple arguments and dissagreements since we have been together, and shortly afterwards looked each other in the eyes, talked about it and made up like nothing was wrong.

 

Right now, at this time though, she doesn't seem to be too happy with me. I texted her the day after we didnt talk, and asked her what was up. She blandly responded back with "Hey, nothin really, whats up with you?"

 

It was a really boring, short, plain conversation. Something I had never seen from her before.

 

I remember a few weeks ago, after we had the talk about slowing things down, I slowed things down by not texting her as much and letting her take the lead, aka letting her text me first for a week or so. One night at 11:30 PM, she texted me asking "Hey, how come we havent talked so much? Or today even.. Im just kind of confused"

 

I simply responded back by explaning that she asked me to slow things down, and Im treying to respect her wishes and give her a little bit of space so im not smothering her. After a short conversation I asked her if everything was ok, and she said yes, I hope so. Things quickly once again, for the second time we have had an argument, got back on track.

 

So back to the present. Tonight, I texted her and said "Remember when you texted me that night? And asked why we werent talking so much and said you were confused? Well, i'm kind of feeling the same way right now.. is everything ok?"

 

She goes "Yeah well phones go both ways" meaning that she was upset I havent been texting her

 

I went on the explain I didnt text her because I was sick that whole day, and she said she was gonna call me after work. I told her that I just wnted to make sure everything was ok.

 

She said Yup, everything is fine

 

and not trying to be so pushy or smothery I respond "Alright, well I know your probably exhausted from work, so i'll let you go. I just wanted to tell you good night, and that I miss you.." (This conversation happened around 11:30 pm, same time she addressed me the last concerning argument about keeping in touch)

 

She responded "Kay goodnight. I miss you too"

 

Bottom line... This is the 3rd kind of argument we have gotten in. I have gotten past the last 2 and gotten things back on track. But what I am trying to ask you all is this... Things just kind of seem like they have been fading a little bit lately. I know she still has feelings for me, and I know she is happy that we are together. She has just been kind of in control of this relationship for the past 2-3 weeks. What Im wondering is... I know it takes two to make this relationship work.. but what can I do to make things better and get her to start missing me, and to start realizing how good of a guy I am? I have done so much for her... I have never treated her with disrespect, I have always treated her like a special person... a princess basically. I know you dont know the whole story... but what do you think I can do to help get this relationship back to the way it was, where we couldnt stand to be away from each other. Where she couldnt get her mind off me... What can I do to get her to be obsessive again? Because I feel like I need to get this relationship back in my control. I needd to know what I can do to improve this.. because I know we were meant for each other, and I havent done anything wrong. I have been doing everything right...

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OOOhhhh. . . . .

 

Not this again. . .

I have been in your exact same shoes.

I wish I knew the answer myself.

You want her, you treat her right, you do everyting right, but fights and arguments appear out of nowhere.

One little squabble makes a giant impact and are ten times more memorable than the good times which I'm sure there are more of.

 

 

I wish you good luck becasue thats all I can offer.

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It's possible that she's burned out, but communication is a big problem here. Let's briefly recap what you said:

-You both had a LOT of sex BEFORE dating

-While dating for a month, you both still have a lot of sex, PDA, so forth. This is considered the "honymoon phase" of dating.

-After a month things fall apart. She wants to take it slow, she doesn't call you, keeps a distance through the use of texting, and it's seldom you both see each other (the concert, once at her house).

-Now she's aggravated that after you're respecting her boundaries, but doesn't make any effort to reconnect with you. Talk about sending mixed signals here!

 

First things first... stop with the texting. I'm seeing she texts... you text... she text and doesn't call... you text... it goes back and forth and ends up in an argument! 13 year olds do this. This is not effective communication in a relationship. Your phone comes with a dialing feature; start calling. Texting should be kept to small, simple things like emergencies, picking something up at the store, or a quick, "hey I miss you call me" (what you're been doing). If she tries to contact you through texting, discourage it by telling her to talk to you. She shouldn't be on the phone while she's at work... tell her to call you after work. Let anticipation drive her into making calls instead of texting.

 

What I'd be concerned if I were you is that she lost the "spark" after a month of being in a relationship. Sex before a relationship isn't a good idea... sex brings a relationship closer and causes people to become serious (which I'm sure you already figured out). It's possible she was after the sex and when getting into a relationship, she may want out because she's scared of commitment. I don't know about you, but if someone said they want to take things slow after being in a relationship for a MONTH, that would red flag and I would question the SO's commitment. Again, I don't know the details you both discussed and can't fully help you on this. All I know is that she wants to take things slow all of a sudden and gets aggravated when you do as she says... within a month of being together. That to me doesn't make any sense because she's giving mixed signals.

 

She needs to know what she wants out of the relationship instead of sending you mixed signals. This is something she needs to work out for herself and for you to make it clear to her that you want a straight answer if she's for the relationship or wants to break. As much as I hate using assumption, it sounds like she's not into commitment and is looking for a fling. Again, I don't have a lot of information and can't give you the sharpest advice.

 

Try talking to her one more time and tell her she needs to figure out what she wants instead of stringing a person along because she can't make up her mind. No more texting please.

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Quite honestly it's becoming a game, and you currently appear to have more concern about the relationship than she does.

 

She's 18 first time in college

your 22 3rd year in college.

 

I would bet she's getting cold feet because of all of the new experiences.

 

I would just say good bye

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Kumatora, this question is directed to you again, oncenagain thank you so much for the advice. I realize what I should be concerned with, and trust me I'm going to have that talk with her. The last time we had a talk about our relationship, it went really well. But at this point in time, what do you think I can do to make things better between us? Communication wise, physical wise, everything wise. What can I do to show her that we can make this work? I'm def done with the txting, that's for sure. But what else?

 

And how should I politely ask when she texts me to instead call me on the phone... without putting off the impression that something is wrong? And putting off an impression that we should communicate verbally

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Kumatora, this question is directed to you again, oncenagain thank you so much for the advice. I realize what I should be concerned with, and trust me I'm going to have that talk with her. The last time we had a talk about our relationship, it went really well. But at this point in time, what do you think I can do to make things better between us? Communication wise, physical wise, everything wise. What can I do to show her that we can make this work? I'm def done with the txting, that's for sure. But what else?

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I think Kumatora gives good advice, but the age gap belies a huge difference in mindset. I would walk away like Budman says.

 

By the way, it sounds like the mixed signals stem from her frustration that she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore and wanting you to 'step up' and make her attracted to you again.

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Kumatora, this question is directed to you again, oncenagain thank you so much for the advice. I realize what I should be concerned with, and trust me I'm going to have that talk with her. The last time we had a talk about our relationship, it went really well. But at this point in time, what do you think I can do to make things better between us? Communication wise, physical wise, everything wise. What can I do to show her that we can make this work? I'm def done with the txting, that's for sure. But what else?

 

I did not see the last posts you made since they were deleted.

 

Honestly I think you did all you can. You shown her respect by abiding her boundaries she AND you both agreed on. That's a major plus into ANY relationship established.

 

Unfortunately, this is all on her. If you want to try and encourage her to call you, you can try and say "Hey, I would really like to hear your voice again. It's been awhile since were really talked." If she's still texting... you know where her maturity level is. The work excuse doesn't flow... she can always call you after or while on break for a few minutes. Trust and communication are big factors of a successful relationship. The fact you are having trouble with her on a communication... when it's been a month of a relationship is not a good start. Anything bad happening on the first month of dating is a bad sign.

 

Sit her down and have a heart-to-heart talk about your concerns and her concerns. You can start by finding out where she is coming from and vice versa. Do this calmly without fighting, demanding, or whining. The goal is she needs to sort her priorities out... otherwise she is not ready for a committed relationship and is not on the same page with you.

 

As for the concern on age-gap... honestly, 18 and 22 is not that big of an age-gap/maturity level. However, the college experiences will play itself out since she is starting. Does not mean she will end the relationship over that, but you do need to talk out the commitment and communication issues with her and where she stands on them.

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