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Is it a permanent break or just a break up?


i miss her 2

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My gf and I have been living together for almost a year. We have been together for almost 4 years.

 

The last few months have been very hard for me as I lost my uncle and my dad. J

 

ust a few weeks ago my girl had been getting really stressed out with her school work. She was distant and I got very insecure. I said that I would just move out ( didn't mean it) and then she said that's what she wants me to do. Then we broke up. She said that we need to be independent and know that we can live on our own. She said I can't ever finish things because of her ( haven't finished school yet but I am going back in the fall). I did the usual begging at first but that never works.

 

She has taken no action what so ever to find another place to live. She still wants to do things we did as a couple, just the other day she wanted to get another cat for the one we already have. Does this sound like someone who wants to be broken up?

 

The thing is I don't get the emotional support I need from a relationship right now...just the usual eating dinner, going to weddings together crap. She sleeps on the couch too and I sleep in what use to be our bed. She actually acts somewhat concerned if I don't come home right away and she wants to know where I was. I think she still has feelings even though she might say we are over. What can I do to get her back? She is the love of my life and I seriously want to marry her. Some of my friends are telling me that it sounds more like she just wants space right now. I know that if I talk to her about this it will turn into another break up talk and I don't want that and neither does she. I really do not think that she is into someone else either.

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you need to grow a pair (no offense). Sounds like she's keeping you around until she can find a replacement. You need to put the fear of losing you into the equation.

 

 

That would be hard to do considering that I can't be replaced. So how do I go about this whole putting the fear of losing me into the equation?

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Ask her how she feels about you dating someone else. You don't need to actually have someone else in place. You could just start going out more - places where you might actually meet someone. She's totally taking you for granted here. In my opinion anyway. Maybe get some others advice though

 

 

Yeah, I might ask her that. The truth is I don't really want to. She does know however that I have been going out alot more where I might actually meet someone.

 

I just don't freakin understand her. She does things that would make you think we are staying here for a while...like getting more cats.

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She said that we need to be independent and know that we can live on our own.

 

Isn't that taking a step backwards from the step you took when you moved in together? I think the 3 years you were together before moving in with each other was enough "living on your own" if you're going to continue life as a couple.

 

I do have to say I see this as a bad sign. No matter what her reasoning is, it shows that when times get tough (stress, etc.) her solution is to "be independent." Instead of working with you through this, she's working against you...all the while taking advantage of having someone to keep her company when she wants it and sleep separately from her when she doesn't.

 

I think you need to tell her that you're either together and living with each other, or you're not together and need to be living separately. It's ridiculous to live with someone and talk about getting pets with them if you're not interested in being with them.

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The last few months have been very hard for me as I lost my uncle and my dad.

 

Just a few weeks ago my girl had been getting really stressed out with her school work. She was distant and I got very insecure.

 

I said that I would just move out ( didn't mean it) and then she said that's what she wants me to do. Then we broke up. She said that we need to be independent and know that we can live on our own. She said I can't ever finish things because of her ( haven't finished school yet but I am going back in the fall). I did the usual begging at first but that never works.

 

She has taken no action what so ever to find another place to live. She still wants to do things we did as a couple, just the other day she wanted to get another cat for the one we already have. Does this sound like someone who wants to be broken up?

QUOTE]

 

Hi friend,

 

I am afraid this situation sounds strikingly like mine except I am a woman, was engaged to my boyfriend of 7 years and we were not living together.

 

The common themes I am seeing in your post are that you just went through a very difficult time in your life (death in the family) and your girl was also stressed about her own life. This is the same scenario my ex and I were facing when he broke things off. My ex *was* more distant when I lost my job and I did feel insecure. He was also very stressed out about his own problems and any extra pressure set him off. I tried to give him space but it never seemed like I could give him *enough* space towards the end.

 

Your girl told you she wanted to see if you could live on your own. My ex essentially told me the same thing---that he wanted to be independent and wanted me to be independent too. He wanted to leave school, leave his family, leave his job, and join the Americorps. He suggested I do the same, but without him. I did not want to do that, of course, because that was not my problem. But anyway, he was ONE class away from graduating college, then we would be married...but he decided he wasn't ready and said we were holding each other back! Your girl seems to be saying the same thing...that you are keeping each other from being your "best." My ex said we both got into a "comfort zone" and needed to break out of it.

 

At first he wanted to be friends, but I later found out he didn't want to. He wanted space for sure. I think your girl does too. It sounds like she is thinking along the same lines as my ex.

 

About her not moving out---I think she still has feelings for you but she's being lazy and indecisive, like my ex was. He seemed to not want to be the one breaking up with me, but I guess it got to a point where he was so depressed that he NEEDED to do something--anything to make a change in his life.

 

Your girl may or may not get to the point where she's at her last straw. It may be better for YOU to end it, but I can't say because maybe your ex is willing to work things out. Do you have anything to suggest to her about changing? She might still be in the stage to consider your solutions.

 

If I had known my ex was unhappy with our lives, I would have proposed a solution when he was still willing to listen to me, but by the time I knew, he was on his way out.

 

So I think now is the time to sit down and calmly talk about what you can do to potentially salvage the relationship...by both of you becoming independent!

 

I really hope it works out for you. It's just sad to throw something away that can be worked out and maybe you still have a chance since she seems to be on the fence.

 

Good luck.

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I do have to say I see this as a bad sign. No matter what her reasoning is, it shows that when times get tough (stress, etc.) her solution is to "be independent." Instead of working with you through this, she's working against you...all the while taking advantage of having someone to keep her company when she wants it and sleep separately from her when she doesn't.

 

 

 

This is exactly what my friend said. This happened another time when she was stressed out with school and she actually ended up dropping out completely. She just runs from things and doesn't try to fix them.

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Someone told me that I started the breakup talk and it's my fault that we are not together now. So I need to swallow my pride, tell her how much I love her, and cry. Ok, is this true that it's my fault? I already have so much guilt running through my head. I'm pretty sure she knows I don't want to break up. She did ask me why I said I wanted to move out and I said that I didn't mean it at all and that I love her. I don't know how much more I can do.

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I've decided that I'm going to stay at a friends for a while. I'm going to tell her that I love her but I need to get my head straight right now and I am going to go away for a while. I'm going to tell her that I do not know when I will be back. I will probably leave for a few weeks though.

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