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Friend is obsessive email checker, panics because I'm not...


Jewelie

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One of my friends is a self-proclaimed obsessive email checker - I, on the other hand, check mine only now and then. Lately she gets "panicked" when she doesn't hear from me, and will send me an urgent message asking if I'm ok. For example, last week I wasn't feeling well, and told her I was going home from work early. The next day she emailed, and I didn't respond because I was vegging out trying to recuperate. She then called me and left me a frantic message saying she was worried that she hadn't heard from me. This past weekend I went out of town with some other friends and she got worried because I didn't answer an email she had sent, so she sent me another one of these messages.

 

I could see if she was really trying to reach me and hadn't heard from me in a long time, but that's not the case. Also, if you're really trying to reach someone, I think a text or phone call is better than sending an email. Bottom line is we just have very different communication styles - she needs to be constantly connected to her email, Twitter, Facebook, etc., and I am the opposite.

 

We've had a conversation where I casually hinted that I don't check email that often and don't find the need to stay constantly connected to outside communication. I also told her I sometimes leave my phone off all weekend if I just feel like chilling and not taking any calls - she said was shocked and could never do that, but didn't seem to get that she shouldn't worry just because she hasn't heard from me in a day or two. Should I say something more direct? Her behavior is starting to feel a little clingy to me, which is a huge turn-off and makes me want to avoid her altogether.

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You two just have two different needs.

One needs to be updated alot while the other just can't be bothered.

You two have to compromise and meet in the middle.

 

It may feel clingy to you but it's more of a sign of a caring than anything else.

 

But then you say she is a friend.

If she is being like this it appears to me she may see you as more than just a friend.

But thats just my opinion.

 

A friend should never be like this.

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I've been dealing with someone like this; a new friend who's new in town and I'm one of her only local friends. She's kind of clingy and needy in general and I'm a lot more independent, but she's a very nice person so I certainly don't want to hurt her feelings if I can avoid it. She sometimes will actually re-send a little email to me if I don't reply in the expected time-frame, apparently thinking that perhaps it didn't go through the first time.

 

I've slowly discovered that her pattern of obsessive clinginess is connected to how busy she is: when she's got other stuff on her plate to deal with, I don't get emails and phone calls of escalating "is everything okay?" panic. But when left to her own devices this girl cannot just chill out. Understanding where she's coming from makes it a little easier to deal with. She needs a boyfriend, basically, someone she can check in with several times a day. Until then ... I get periodic flurries of emails and phone calls.

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I do understand where she's coming from, so I guess I need to just meet her in the middle by putting up with some of it but also mentioning it to her. She has mentioned that her ex-bf complained she was clingy, and for similar reasons.

 

She does tend to be better about it when she has more going on. But the funny thing is, whenever I email her, she usually doesn't even respond!

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She does tend to be better about it when she has more going on. But the funny thing is, whenever I email her, she usually doesn't even respond!

 

Haha my clingy friend is like that too. There's definitely an element of self-absorption in this kind of behavior -- it's all about them, whatever they're feeling/needing/wanting at the moment. If they're busy, sorry but they really can't spare a moment. If they're not busy ... I hope all is well! Just calling again to say hi! Hope you're having a good weekend! Let me know if you want to get a coffee sometime! Etc.

 

Good casual friend, but someone I like to keep a bit of distance from so that she's not overly reliant on me.

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