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Sewing wild oats


pokesfan

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Hello,

My gf of about 5 months and I occaisionally get into the conversation where we talk about our pasts. I myself have a pretty limited sexual past (less than 10). But, it seems like she has had a pretty extensive past, even though she has not come right out and said a number, or anything like that. She keeps saying that she "took a few years to sew her wild oats", and was "not interested in a relationship, just having fun."

What does this mean? I have my suspicions/assumptions, but, what does this mean to you?

 

Thanks for your response!

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I'm not a fan of talking about sexual pasts, because it always causes some sort of worry or concern on someone's part. And for what? The past is the past, and as long as it doesn't affect what's going on in *your* relationship, it shouldn't matter.

 

The ONLY reason you'd need to be concerned about her past behavior IMO is if you're worried about contracting an STD she might unknowingly have. If you are worried about that, then simply talk to her about it--no need to mention whether or not she was promiscuous, just say it makes you feel more comfortable with sex to be sure. Go get tested together. If you're not worried about it, then just be safe with her and realize that everyone has a past, but we're all only human and suspecting what went on with her past is only going to cause unnecessary concern for you.

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I think she was just young and 'having fun'. Everyone's different though, I'm not into sleeping around, but one of my best friends is a commitmentphobe. I had a short phase at the start of uni, though I only slept with one guy (who's now my boyfriend). But I'm over that now and I doubt I'd ever wanna go back to 'having fun' in that sense! So she's probably got it out of her system too, nothing to worry about.

 

I've only ever heard the expression 'sowing wild oats' in reference to guys, as in literally 'sowing their oats'!

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God, you have a limited sexual past (less than 10) which makes me think its more than 5..

 

If yours in limited.. I must be a born again virgin!

 

But people do ask about there partners past, and some people find it upsetting. Some people suddenly see there partners in a different light, weather its a good light or bad light..

 

How would you feel if she'd slept with heck of a lot of people? Would your view of her change? Or are you just plain interested with no intention of it affecting your relationship?

 

If you think it will effect it, then I wouldn't ask anymore...

 

But if you're going to be cool, what ever her number is, then do what I do.

 

Beat around the bush! I LOVE asking questions, maybe thats just me. But to get informaton about my partner when we first started dating, rather than it sounding like me questioning him... I played 20 questions..

Take her out for dinner, make the alcohol flow... or juice if you dont drink and ask to play the game!

 

Or just come out and say your plain nosey and dying of curiosty

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See, I don’t buy that “The number doesn’t matter” deal. It’s something I personally would rather not know, but let me ask you - what if you just met this wonderful girl/guy, and what you don’t know is that she/he’s a nympho? What if she/he slept with 6 or 7 people in the last 2 weeks before you guys met - hell, maybe in one night? Is that someone with the same moral fiber as yourself? Someone who would give it up to every guy that came along and/or cannot associate sex with love?

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See, I don’t buy that “The number doesn’t matter” deal. It’s something I personally would rather not know, but let me ask you - what if you just met this wonderful girl/guy, and what you don’t know is that she/he’s a nympho? What if she/he slept with 6 or 7 people in the last 2 weeks before you guys met - hell, maybe in one night? Is that someone with the same moral fiber as yourself? Someone who would give it up to every guy that came along and/or cannot associate sex with love?

 

Problem being, if someone slept with 6 or 7 people that close to the time they met their current SO, that means their total number would probably be astronomically high--and they would never admit that actual number to their partner.

 

You can ask for numbers, but is that a guarantee? I had an ex tell me his total number was 4, and I'd bet a million bucks it was at least triple that in reality. But he knew telling me the real number would scare me off, so why woud he admit to it?

 

That's why I just leave the past the past. As long as the person shows they're trustworthy then it shouldn't matter. A nympho who sleeps with 7 people in 2 weeks and then enters a relationship is going to display certain behaviors that show they're not relationship material. There are other ways to tell other than asking for a number.

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A nympho who sleeps with 7 people in 2 weeks and then enters a relationship is going to display certain behaviors that show they're not relationship material. There are other ways to tell other than asking for a number.

 

I stand corrected.

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Any other thoughts? I am not too disturbed about numbers. She has never told me hers, but based on her comments, I am assuming it is a large number. We are in a serious, commited relationship, and I keep telling myself, whatever her number is, it should not bother me because that was her past, before me. But, I think that I am only fooling myself. Maybe it is an insecurity I have and not having faith that she is 100% committed if she has been with so many guys. You know what I mean? How can I have faith that I am the last guy she will ever be with, etc?

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See, I don’t buy that “The number doesn’t matter” deal. It’s something I personally would rather not know, but let me ask you - what if you just met this wonderful girl/guy, and what you don’t know is that she/he’s a nympho? What if she/he slept with 6 or 7 people in the last 2 weeks before you guys met - hell, maybe in one night? Is that someone with the same moral fiber as yourself? Someone who would give it up to every guy that came along and/or cannot associate sex with love?

 

Good example is that couple that was about to get married, but the bride to be found out the groom was in porn.

 

 

I agree that if someone asks you should tell them, but I don't think you should ask unless you really have concerns about their health history. And that would usually be if something tips you off. Barring any of that, ignorance is bliss. Especially with how many partners many women have these days. Girls being with 5+ guys a month is not unheard of in college these days.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you all for your comments!

Southern, I have taken your comments, put them in a MS Notepad file and have it up on my laptop all the time to remind myself. I feel much better after reading the comments from time to time.

Unfortunately, today, I am not feeling all that confident and comfortable.

Last night, at dinner, she was asking me questions about my past. I answered all of the questions, without hesitation. After I was done, I said, "why is it we always talk about my past, not anything about yours?" She then started going on about her past, starting with her divorce, back in 2005 and then listing the guys she dated. She named off about a dozen guys and things they did together. She mentioned that she went to Hawaii with a girlfriend and two guys. She did not know either of the guys, but she went. I asked if she got to know either of the guys and if when they got back if they dated. She said no, they never dated. So, then I asked what happened in Hawaii, how was the trip. She said that it was fun, "you know, four single people hanging out, drinking a lot, being together .... " I asked if sex was involved and she said, "heck, yeah, we were all single, with no strings attached." She said that she never saw either guy after that trip. That really put a bad taste in my mouth. She then wrapped up her converstion with, "of course there were quite a few one night stands along the way, but I will not go into those, because I know you have an image of me being sweet and innocent and I do not want to ruin that image."

How do I have that kind of image in my head after all she has told me in the past and what she shared last night? And, dating a dozen guys in less than five years, plus freely going to Hawaii with strangers to drink a lot, have sex, etc. Then, to wrap up her part with telling me she had quite a few one night stands ....

What am I suppose to think?

One thing I did bring up was I asked her why we do not have sex very often. I mean, we have been exclusively bf/gf for about six months now and we have sex maybe once every other week. She said, "yeah, I have noticed we don't have sex often ... but what are you going to do ... "

I am totally not in a good place right now ... and she has asked me a few times today why I am being so distant, but I cannot seem to tell her that I am bothered.

 

ARGHHHH!!!!

 

Thoughts?

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It sounds like she has a problem with TMI. There is certain information that should be disclosed. The big, important stuff. Married? How many times? Do you have children? How many significant relationships have you had, ie, lived together? Etc. To bring up something like going to Hawaii with someone she had never met for a sex-fest sounds like over disclosure to me. A normal person would state that they had a wild period - end of story. This sounds like it is designed to hurt you. I would ask myself why she's doing it.

 

That is why I am very ambivalent about the whole number question. I agree with what is in the past is past. But I also think it can be an indicator or your moral fiber - whether it was a temporary wild period or not. Of course, people take differing paths in their lives, but you should be on close to the same page with certain issues. Would you want to enter into a relationship with an otherwise wonderful person, who you found out was a prostitute for a few years? I'm not judging, but I personally wouldn't be strong enough for that one.

 

You can search around for other threads on ENA. I've learned a lot about commitment phobia, fear of engulfment, fear of rejection, and how these things cause some people sabotage their relationships (like by over disclosing). Essentially, they create their own ready made excuse as to why yet another one didn't work out. Just some things to think about.

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