The Truth About Breakups & Getting Over Them...

[rjw524]

I've been here off and on again a little while now, and I just feel so badly for the people here who are going through a broken heart. To be honest, I'm going through one as well. I loved a woman with whom I had a relationship for 3 years that I wanted to see lead into marriage, but obviously, she didn't feel the same way, lol.

 

This is my second major break-up, I survived the first, so I know it can be done. And with this second one, I've healed up quite a bit, but I still have some way to go. I just happen to have the benefit of knowing this time that I'll get over it.

 

My POINT is...I was victim to a lot of "stinking-thinking" and false hopes that I want to help others steer clear of, or get rid of if they're already in too deep.

 

I tried several of those "get your ex back" programs and they're an absolute waste of time. Please don't let to these, the advice they give is commonsense, but they make you think you have some kind of control over your ex. That if you make these changes then the relationship will come back together again. The truth is that you can do all of the improving and changing yourself in the whole wide world and your ex will not notice, or at the very least, notice...and not give a damn.

 

PART 1: THE TRUTH ABOUT BREAKUPS

 

It's best to just get this out of the way now...

 

When one person decides the relationship is not working out for them and seriously breaks up with the other person, that's it. IT'S OVER! THAT'S IT! It now falls upon you to do what you must to get past the ex, and the breakup.

 

IMPORTANT: There are no MIXED MESSAGES...There are only FALSE HOPES!

 

Stop reading into what his/her text messages, or emails to you meant. Stop thinking you can be still be friends with this person. This is impossible at least for the time being. After a LONNNNNNNG TIME when you're both clear of any feelings for each other can you be friends. And most likely when you get to that point, you won't even be concerned about being friends with them.

 

WILL I GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MY EX?

 

The truth is that, with the exception of an astronomically low number of people that's almost similar to winning the lottery...

 

A) PEOPLE DON'T GET THEIR EXES BACK.

B) YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR EX AGAIN EVER!

 

(Yeah yeah...Truth 2 is basically the same as Truth 1, but it puts in a much more personal way.)

 

WHAT WILL THE PROCESS OF GETTING OVER MY EX BE LIKE?

 

Unfortunately going through the loss of a lover especially when you didn't want it, is one of the most painful experiences we go through in life. And it's just something that HAS to be SURVIVED day-by-day.

 

1) You WILL NOT get over this quickly, or easily.

2) It will have you in tears,

3) It will do its best to eat away at your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

4) You may not want to get out of the bed in the morning.

5) It can potentially cause you to fall into a deep depression for a while.

6) You will wonder if you'll ever find love with someone else ever again (you will)

7) You will wonder if you'll EVER get over your ex (trust me...you will)

8) You will most likely think about your ex and ruminate about the relationship obsessively for a while at first.

9) You may have no interest in doing other things (hang out with friends, go to work, etc.)

 

All of this is completely natural.

 

HEALING

 

But then, day-by-day, you'll feel less and less sh!tty (not better, just less sh!tty) and then after you're done going through your "less and less sh!tty days", you'll notice that each day you'll feel more and more better.

 

And then, one day you'll wake up and find that you have not thought about your ex ALL day! And then you'll be at the place where you won't even find your ex attractive any longer. You'll even be able to visualize him or her having sex with someone else and it won't even bother you!

 

But the key words in this are NO CONTACT and TIME.

 

There's no magic bullet that makes this type of pain go away. It can only be worked through.

[vertigoxo]

I understand all of this, but how do you explain people getting back together nearly all the time?

[LilBear]

I don't think people get back and stay together "nearly all the time", and, to be honest it's a good thing most relationships ended when they did.

[rjw524]

I understand all of this, but how do you explain people getting back together nearly all the time?

 

First, I don't hear of people getting back together that frequently AT ALL.

 

There's a definite difference between getting back together and staying together.

 

Also, I am speaking more about the major breakups. We all have that time of separation where somebody claims that they need time to think about things but I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about the major breakups of the relationship.

[stranded247]

I get that what you're essentially trying to say is that too many people make the healing process more aggrevating and painful by hanging on to false hopes. BUT you haven't really addressed the fact that people do get back together even for a long time and actually it does happen quite often. Nothing lasts forever, most relationships end at some point anyway. I think that there is hope for some relationships to have a second chance but obviously the two parties usually need time apart and to address the problems that caused them to break up initially

[rjw524]

I get that what you're essentially trying to say is that too many people make the healing process more aggrevating and painful by hanging on to false hopes. BUT you haven't really addressed the fact that people do get back together even for a long time and actually it does happen quite often. Nothing lasts forever, most relationships end at some point anyway. I think that there is hope for some relationships to have a second chance but obviously the two parties usually need time apart and to address the problems that caused them to break up initially

 

Please don't be offended at all by my reply, but this is exactly the kind of thinking that leaves people stranded (no pun intended) on the isle of false hopes.

 

People actually do not get back together very often at all. I would actually love to to hear more of these types of stories. But they're in very limited supply.

 

I would invite anyone to tell me of any completely reconciled relationships of which they have PERSONAL knowledge, where the break-up was LONGER than a month. I'm talking about serious major breakups here.

 

The "two" parties don't need time apart. Only one person needs time apart and person two is basically just waiting for person one to change his or her mind.

 

This is really, REALLY dangerous ground to tread in my opinion.

[iiidioteque]

Honestly, I think everything you've written was true...and if it isn't true in every case, it's what people need to hear when they're going through this.

 

It's like a swift kick in the ass back to reality. The truth hurts, but if you never figure it out...you'll never be able to heal.

[doiiiieeezie]

 

The "two" parties don't need time apart. Only one person needs time apart and person two is basically just waiting for person one to change his or her mind.

 

This is really, REALLY dangerous ground to tread in my opinion.

 

In most cases yes, but in some cases, person 1 wants it to the be way it used to be (friends, no attachments) and person 2 is angry/hurt about how someone could dismiss the relationship as if it never happened. Not a short term romance, but one that has been cultivating in time.

 

Not every case is the same, and it would be dangerous to assume that every person wants to be friends/NC with their ex to get back together. NC should also be used with those who need to know that enough is enough.

[nightw0lf]

i like number 6...how true especially after the breakups iv'e been through

[toni2007]

Please don't be offended at all by my reply, but this is exactly the kind of thinking that leaves people stranded (no pun intended) on the isle of false hopes.

 

People actually do not get back together very often at all. I would actually love to to hear more of these types of stories. But they're in very limited supply.

 

I would invite anyone to tell me of any completely reconciled relationships of which they have PERSONAL knowledge, where the break-up was LONGER than a month. I'm talking about serious major breakups here.

 

The "two" parties don't need time apart. Only one person needs time apart and person two is basically just waiting for person one to change his or her mind.

 

This is really, REALLY dangerous ground to tread in my opinion.

I got back together with someone after 3 months of no contact, unfortunately I think that when people are in that honeymoon stage they forget to post it up on the web site. I know I did. I read the web site daily while I was miserable and going through the break up and once I started talking to my ex again I stopped reading the site.

 

We were happy for about 6 months, went on vacation, moved in together and then guess what? He dumped me for the second time recently, now I'm extremely sad and burdened with all the moving I have to do. I wish I had never gotten back with him. We have to be careful what we wish for sometimes it's short lived and definitely not worth it. It's important not to hang on to false hopes and move on.

[baffled]

I would invite anyone to tell me of any completely reconciled relationships of which they have PERSONAL knowledge, where the break-up was LONGER than a month. I'm talking about serious major breakups here.

 

I can think of 3 off the top of my head.

 

1) One of my best friends and his girlfriend were together for about 5 years or so. They broke up for roughly 5 months. Got back together and were married last summer.

 

2) Friends from college broke up and each dated other people. I think they were apart for at least 6 months. They're married now.

 

3) Two friends from my home town were high school sweethearts. Broke up at some point due to distance. The guy tried to keep in touch but she pulled away at some point because he was being too aggressive. They eventually got back together and have been married for about 3 years now with 2 kids.

 

They were only split up for a month, but another one is my ex's sister and her boyfriend broke up after being together for like a year. They got back together and have been married for almost a year.

[VerdeShimmer]

I think that this is a great post. But that darn heart doesn't have a brain and it won't listen! lol

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend. But it was only after 3 months. I think the main problem was that I simply didn't know him, and our communication was off. It's been 2 days and yeah I am at least trying the no contact for a bit. See what he does (my logical side says he has already checked out =( ) but my heart hopes that he calls...

 

I also have the "I will never find love again" only because it took me years to find this guy and I am very picky with few options in my college town. I am a mess. boo!

 

Also my friend broke up with her boyfriend for about a month or two because he was very whiny, and immature but they started back up again and have been together now for 4 or so months now. She says that the relationship has really changed for the better. Lucky her.

[girl_meets_boy]

This is a great post - it sucks the bs, airy-fairy crap that society wants us to believe... we are allured by the attractive notion that effortless relationships exist...the happily-ever-after effect

 

I don't mean to be the pessimist here but it seems that your indicator of a successful relationship is that all these couples ended up married...

 

1) One of my best friends and his girlfriend were together for about 5 years or so. They broke up for roughly 5 months. Got back together and were married last summer..

 

Couple 1 - after 5 years they weren't sure if they wanted to be married, then break up, then decide it's right, and get married? Repost in 5 years time - see if they are still together...

 

 

2) Friends from college broke up and each dated other people. I think they were apart for at least 6 months. They're married now.

 

Couple 2 - how long did they date? how long have they been married?

 

3) Two friends from my home town were high school sweethearts. Broke up at some point due to distance. The guy tried to keep in touch but she pulled away at some point because he was being too aggressive. They eventually got back together and have been married for about 3 years now with 2 kids.

 

Couple 3 - A couple who didn't know they wanted to be together and then have 2 kids in 3 years? If this couple stays together, it will be because of the kids

 

 

OK, so I am being pessimistic! But why settle? I do agree with OP. It is difficult to move on (and it has been no different for me - as you can tell from my posts) and I am only in day 6 of NC.

 

Since the breakup, I struggle everyday as I see the man I want my ex to be, and sometimes think he is or can be that man, but in reality, it never happened in the year we were together, so why would it be any different in the future?

 

It's not that the relationship just suddenly becomes perfect or that the people in it become compatible, it's that one or both parties compromise, thus changing what they will accept in a partner...but once again this can change - thus break ups/divorce... don't go back - endure the heartache and move on if it's not right

[AmandaB]

My ex seems to be enjoying being single. Out and about all over town not coming home until sunrise. I really see he's hurting here. I have to except the fact that its over but its very hard. We were together 6 years and friends for 8.

[D_Lish]

I think that people get back together all the time. I know of loads of couples who split and got back together and they are still together. I know of couples who got back together and then split again.

 

Reconcilliations happen all the time and I guess it depends on why you broke up, if you get back together again or not. People split for all kinds of reasons, ranging from a silly argument, to a real bad breakup, to falling out of love, to having a partner cheat.

[Sandie_Cali]

I was hurt too, after five years and 1 daughter he decided we were not fun anymore... Sooooo can someone please tell me how I can have this no contact with a 3 year old involved. How can I get over him and move forward when I have to see him??? I have full custody and he only has 5% visitation.

 

I wish I could do the no contact, he wont and will throw in the I have rights, but when he sees his daughter all he ever does is hit on me. What a loser.

 

Any advise??

[D_Lish]

I was hurt too, after five years and 1 daughter he decided we were not fun anymore... Sooooo can someone please tell me how I can have this no contact with a 3 year old involved. How can I get over him and move forward when I have to see him??? I have full custody and he only has 5% visitation.

 

I wish I could do the no contact, he wont and will throw in the I have rights, but when he sees his daughter all he ever does is hit on me. What a loser.

 

Any advise??

 

Any family near you or a really good friend? Drop your daughter off at their home and get your ex to pick her up from there and drop her back off there. Or get a family member/friend to be at your place, when you know he is arriving and let them take her to your ex.

 

I had same problem with my ex H. I'd have preferrred to have him fall off the planet, but when you have kids...you have to stomache them lol

[Sandie_Cali]

he is not allowed to take her anywhere. So I guess I will have to have someone standby

[atelis]

Please don't be offended at all by my reply, but this is exactly the kind of thinking that leaves people stranded (no pun intended) on the isle of false hopes.

 

People actually do not get back together very often at all. I would actually love to to hear more of these types of stories. But they're in very limited supply.

 

I would invite anyone to tell me of any completely reconciled relationships of which they have PERSONAL knowledge, where the break-up was LONGER than a month. I'm talking about serious major breakups here.

 

The "two" parties don't need time apart. Only one person needs time apart and person two is basically just waiting for person one to change his or her mind.

 

This is really, REALLY dangerous ground to tread in my opinion.

 

 

my mate from uni........broken up six months, now engaged to be married.

 

my brother, broken up 3 months, married for 11 years and two kids

 

a close friend broken up 12 months, married for 3 years with 2 kids

 

there are a lot out there that i know of, but they are one's closer to me.

[DaveTrump]

Good post, OP!

 

I'd just like to add that if the dumper changes their mind and asks the dumpee back into their life after a break, then the dumpee should think long and hard about doing it.

 

If the dumpee is still suffering from heartbreak then they'll go back at a drop of a hat. Bad move. You're setting yourself up for a short bout of love/lust re-attachment that will fizzle and burn out quicker than a $1 firecracker.

 

However, if your mind is clear and you're healed and happy in your new life, why go backwards into the past...? You've healed, become a better version of yourself and you're moving on with positivity. It's a natural, no brainer to keep moving on with your new and improved version of yourself.

 

New horizons are what it's all about. Be the master of your own destiny.

[D_Lish]

Be the master of your own destiny.

 

First time I've seen that phrase and I like it

[baffled]

I don't mean to be the pessimist here but it seems that your indicator of a successful relationship is that all these couples ended up married...

 

What other criteria could possibly be better?

 

 

Couple 1 - after 5 years they weren't sure if they wanted to be married, then break up, then decide it's right, and get married? Repost in 5 years time - see if they are still together...

 

They've been back together for 5 years. They just got married last summer. People generally don't get married until they are ready to get married, even if they want to be with the person.

 

 

 

Couple 2 - how long did they date? how long have they been married?

 

I'm not exactly sure how long they dated before the breakup. I want to say it was 4 years or more though. They've been married almost 5 years now.

 

 

 

Couple 3 - A couple who didn't know they wanted to be together and then have 2 kids in 3 years? If this couple stays together, it will be because of the kids

 

What on earth makes you think this? Every indication is that they are crazy about each other.

 

I'm honestly struggling to think of a single couple I know that is married or in a significant LTR that didn't go through a breakup or intense rough patch at some point. It's just how these things work. If you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with you don't just "click" and never have to work on things. There are going to be tough times, and luckily there are people out there who aren't willing to give up at the first sign of trouble. And yes, as you can tell by my stories, sometimes these troubles can lead to a breakup. Breakups don't have to be permanent.

[iiidioteque]

I agree with baffled! my boyfriend's (who I am on a break with now, not broken up.) brother and his wife met when they were 16 and 15, respectively, and started dating. Dated until a year or so into college and broke up (but my bf can't remember how long it was for) saw other people, and got back together while still in college. Dated all throughout their 20's, lived together for a year or so, and then got married when they were 30 and 29. That, my friends, is proof that you can break up after years, see other people, get back together, be completely sure of each other, and get married.

[ratfreak]

I understand all of this, but how do you explain people getting back together nearly all the time?

 

 

 

ah but how long do they stay together after getting back together.

very few people actually WORK on the problems and try to make things better. the rest just hopes for miracles that just don't happen.

[ratfreak]

i think that people who get back together are settling and are scared to be on their own.

 

if someone broke your heart, why would you go back for more?!