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Hello

 

Ive never really posted anything personal on a forum before but i just need advice/someone to talk to I guess. Sorry if i rant or this is long..

 

So my girlfriend was my first everything, my first kiss, my first girlfriend, but most importantly my first love. I was her first everything as well. I am 19 she is 18. We did everything together. Saw each other every day, when we weren't together we were texting. Just the feeling of not seeing her smile today completely destroys my heart.

 

We had been going out for just under a year and she broke up with me 2 days ago, because she said she felt like she was pretending to love me..Basically just doesn't feel the way she used to.We had broken up 2 times before this, but this is by far the worst one, mostly because i know we wont be getting back together. We did fight a fair amount but after our last breakup we were doing very good. Always laughing together, rarely fighting, just talking when something would frustrate us. This breakup was completely out of the blue for me..and thats another reason why its so hard.

 

Also on top of me feeling horrible...im more worrying about her. wondering how shes feeling, feeling like its my fault that this is happening, my fault that she is sad... and if i could id feel 2x as bad just so she could feel okay, to bad life isn't that easy.

 

I know its only been 2 days..but i just really need some.. reassurance i guess as pathetic as it sounds.

 

I don't know what to do...I really need some advice..I have never done this before and its already the hardest thing I have ever experienced. We have karate together and she grads in about a week. Just looking at a picture of her makes tears pour out of me. Everything in my room reminds me of her...I just really need some advice or some words of wisdom, and maybe a pat on the back.

 

 

 

Thanks everyone.

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Hey Copper, firstly, a BIG hug for you, mate! A big hug. We've all been in your situation before, a break up is the single most painful experience short of loosing a loved one or family member to death, but it is definitely up there.

 

It always hurts the most the first time around, and it never actually is that much easier to deal with, initially anyway, as we wade through more break ups in our lifetime. She is your first love, but she won't be your last.

 

There is not much you can do to win her back at this stage, for she has to do that on her own terms. For now though, and you being in your fragile state, you should grieve the loss of everything you worked on up to this point. Don't hold onto any idea of false hope... Try not to bother her too much by making too many phone calls or text messages.

 

Let me illustrate a point to you if you carry on with the messaging and constant communications. Picture yourself at a party, and a girl you meet likes you, so the two of you talk, then part ways. Moments later she comes back to you again, and starts chatting, and you make reasons to leave. She then comes back again and is adamant on getting to know you when you're clearly not interested. Again, uninterested you part ways. So she comes back yet again trying to strike a conversation... See where this is getting at? She's coming off as desperate and off putting... you'll appear like this too to your ex, should you decide to make frequent contacts with her.

 

But, gosh, you're making me cry, kiddo.

 

I'm really feeling your pain... I'm so sorry it has to be like this for you to have a better return in your future relationships. Please come by here often if you feel your family and friends have had their share of this. And vent all you want, we're all ears here.

 

If you see her in karate lessons, and feel like you need to talk to her, by all means do so, but try not to remind her of the relationship that went sour. Instead talk about a television program that you know the both of you like and can relate to. In doing so you are letting her know you're getting on with your world but you're also not pressuring her into anything, something she does not need now.

 

The same goes for her grad... wish her luck, and keep it as that. Nice, short and sweet.

 

Hang in there, my man. We're sending you lots of support.

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if you can take any of this in. then i hope you learn quicker than i did.

 

simply dont chase.. straight into no contact, and start re networking with your friends and establishing yourself a s a person again.

 

all the associations of her, like music, places people etc. are going to hurt. thats just time. everything now is time. but how much time is up to you. start wanting to move forward this will only take a few months, keep missing her and fighting and planning to get back in her life. and ur not going to go anywhere. and ur going to do what i did.

 

im only 21, i have had my heart broken 2ce. 2 x 2yr relationships. and this breakup has only taken me 3 months insted of the 7 it did last time. now im soo sorry to hear about how much it hurts, and dont be afraid to be overwhelmed, cry, be upset. but dont let her no. dont txt, or anything. NO CONTACT. make he wonder what your doing and how much of a good time ur having with your life.

 

if she is CHOOSING to leave. then she has to choose to come back. if not. do u really want a girl u had to drag back and try "prove" that your good enough for her?

 

if you ever want to talk. come on here. make a post. or PM me. im always happy to talk. because i know how much it sucks.

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Thank you so much for the reply, it really means a lot.

 

Let me talk a bit about our breakup history. The first time, I felt the same way she did right now, unsure about how i felt about her. Spending one night knowing we were not together quickly made me realize how much I loved her, I never second guessed myself after that.

 

the 2nd time...she broke up with me..similar reason as this time. I didn't want it, I talked to her and managed to get us back together. And that was a mistake, she said i just opened her eyes, but i feel i didn't do that at all...I feel like i just convinced her to get back with me because i was in love with her, even though she didnt truly love me in the same way. Seems selfish.

 

And now this...I know its how its gotta be. We just aren't meant to be. Its just unbelievably hard, hard not to think about all our memories, hard to think of my life without her, hard to imagine not seeing her every day.

 

I fear that right when i see her at karate I will break down. But maybe not, maybe i can be strong and make it through it..who knows. sorry im ranting. she grads in a week and I have to take pictures of her, and get pictures with her, you might be saying thats not a good idea. But she is the most important person in my life, my best friend, the person i know best, the person who knows me best. I love her and care about her more then anyone.

 

I am reading everywhere to cut off contact, but in this situation it just doesn't seem to work...

 

The most important thing is...I don't want this girl out of my life....I am hoping with all my heart one day this will all be behind us and we can still be close...That is possible right?

 

Thanks again.

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Thanks xplode.

 

I hear what your saying. It honestly just feels impossible to go straight into no contact. Dont get me wrong, i only texted her twice today, good morning and goodnight. Just to let her know shes not alone. Because I know she is hurting AT LEAST just as much as me. She is the closest I have ever been to anyone. I understand that I will never get over her If i am seeing her all the time and talking, its just some things are hard to avoid. Karate being one of them.

 

Thanks again

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nope. not possible.

no contact, then you will find someone. she will find someone. then you can be friends.

until both of you dont have anything to do with eachother. i dont think its possible to "get passed" the i love them feeling.

 

someone correct me if im wrong. but unless you get burnt by them, cheating etc. a small flame will always still be there for them.

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Ah...I better try and get some sleep...please please keep posting thoughts. All of them are greatly appreciated. Its nice to have someone to talk to. It really makes me feel stronger to know first hand and actually talk to people who have truly been through this. So I thank you.

 

Goodnight everyone and thanks again.

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Man, getting over first love is the worst...I'm trying to get over mine now, almost 4 years, 3 years after HS, It's tough.

 

However, this is going to be such a big time for you...you're graduating now, and it maybe be hard to do NC this week...but this summer and (assuming) once you go off to college it will be easier. They say that you'll never get over your first love, ever. And if you're her first love then that will hold true for her too. But it doesn't change the fact that right now she doesn't want to be together. It hurts a lot, and I know it, but be glad that it's happening now instead of years down the line. I know that you're thinking that you'd take the extra years in return for bigger heartbreak...but it becomes unbearable. One day the two of you may be able to remain friends. You're both young, and you both may move on quickly.

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Hi Copper, so sorry to hear you are in so much pain right now. I guess the reasons for the first break up were still there, and it may help a little to remind yourself that they would always be there if you stayed together.

 

Seeing her at karate will be tough, but at least the discipline of it will help and also help you to work though some of your feelings I can sense a 3rd Dan for you in the next few months

 

The timing's not great either is it with graduation coming up, maybe she wanted to make a break before then....have you talked to her about having pictures of her? I know what you mean about this, one school of thought would say hang on in there until grad, text her to see if it's o.k. if you can take pictures 'as well as your other friends' and then take as much of a break as you can afterwards (apart from karate). The other school of thought says don't do it, and pack EVERYTHING that reminds you of her away to stop it hurting too much. Lots of people say this really works.

 

Get your friends and family around you if you can. You and she were ultimately not meant to be together but as others have said, each week that goes by will hurt a little less. But don't keep reminding yourself how great it was at the beginning, as it clearly was a lot less than great for quite a while now. The sooner you can accept this and move on a little in your mind (your heart will take longer) the pain will start to ease a little. Take care.

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For the record (if there is such a thing), I am WELL over my first love (10yrs ago), and it feels good to say that. However, a recent love? Not over at all. Funny the way it is...

 

Here is what gets me:

"i only texted her twice today, good morning and goodnight. Just to let her know shes not alone. Because I know she is hurting AT LEAST just as much as me."

 

How can you possibly square that with "she said she felt like she was pretending to love me.."

 

She caused this pain for you. If she's feeling the same pain, she caused that as well. You don't need to be helping her through this. She was selfish with the break-up, and now it's your turn to be selfish with your feelings and emotions. You cannot be there in the same capacity as you were prior to the break-up - you cannot be that supportive person anymore in her life, even if she is hurting at least as much as you (which I think is a suspect statement).

 

Move into NC as quickly as you can.

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Thanks for replys everyone!

 

iiidioteque, it is her graduating not me...which makes it way harder, my mind will not be distracted I will be focused on her. I think that when that is done, I will be able to deal with karate and get through this. Another thing is I dont have any plans (again) this year so i will be sticking around...as will she, being in the same town..ughhh. I honestly feel like I need to move somewhere else. ive been here for 12 years and honestly, right now i just feel like i need something new, especially after this breakup.

 

Pixiedoc, yes your right about karate, discipline could help and keep me distracted, however I always will have the urge to turn my head to the right and see her...I guess ill just have to tough it out. I have been trying to be with friends as much as possible..keeps me distracted and away from crying. I don't really have any friends experienced with this, which is why I came here, and it feels really good to know that im not alone and have people to talk to that have been through this. I did put everything into a shoe box. All pictures of me and her, things she has given me. I am always tempted to go look at them, I am guilty of doing so, and it hurts me so much to look at pictures of her. do you recommend deleting pictures of her on my pc and cellphone? I wasn't sure about that..

 

gottabelieve, happy to hear that you are over your first love, im sure its good for a lot of people to hear. Heres the thing...when she says she felt like she was pretending to love me, she means she wanted to be with me, but the spark just wasn't there for her anymore. And wouldn't she be doing that for me? wrong thing to do i know, pretend you love someone, but she didn't want me to get hurt, in the end i get hurt more, but i do not hold it against her. She is the nicest person i have ever met. Always caring for others and helping. I guess you don't know her and i cant convince you what shes like. But she is not the type of person I could be mad at.

But i agree I need to move to NC...but there is always karate, and i believe if she can deal with it I can.

 

If you guys don't mind I would like to talk about her texting me last night...maybe someone can analyze what she is doing...and I am kinda frustrated about this to be honest. ps shes tod im copper.

 

At 9:00PM I texted her saying, "Goodnight Tod. Sleep well. hope your doing okay".

10 min later she replies "Thanks copper. Hope the same for you. Goodnight"

10 min later she says Can I tell you something?

right now I am thinking...wow what does she wanna tell me? perhaps she made a mistake? im getting my hopes up..when i should be thinking about moving one. anyways I replied "for sure"

she then replies "was just goign to say i had an urge to go to the dock and sit for awhile. So I went. But got lost and couldnt get to it for some reason"

 

To fill you all in the dock is a place me and her used to go. Its where we had our first kiss. Which alone makes it a very powerful place in my opinion..

 

why why why why why after we said goodnight would she fill me with such hope by saying "can i tell you something". Then mention she wanted to go to our special place where we first kissed? She is making this hard. Very hard. But thats not all.

 

I explained how to get there, blah blah blah. just said i was with friends, she told me she was running at the track, I have a feeling she told me that hoping I would go down there to see her, I of course did not for obvious reasons.

 

At 10:00 PM we said goodnight....45 minutes later she texts me saying "one more question if you dont mind?"

right now I am thinking, maybe shes going to say "do you think this is a mistake" or "do you really want this"...filling my mind with hope again I reply "sure what is it?"

 

She replies "karate. Just drive ourselves"....It felt like someone blew up a huge water balloon just for me, then popped it. right in my face...I replied "yep" being quite frustrated. We then talked for a couple minutes about who is going and who isn't, she said she wasn't going to go today, i said i probably wasn't either. I have however been thinking maybe i will go.

Anyways I finally said "well. Whatever its your choice"...she then replied "alright... night" I knew my last comment hurt her. even though im just saying i cant decide if shes going to karate..ahhh.

 

okay...those 2 texts filling me with hope. Am I overreacting. Or am I correct? Id really love some input or advice.. So please post what you think.

thanks for reading.

 

Thanks again for the posts everyone

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My friend, I think she's playing games with you. This "can I tell you something" and "one more thing" are designed to stimulate your emotions and get you to feel attached to her (and it's clearly working) She strikes me as very immature and someone who really doesn't know what she's doing in this situation now, but she still wants you to be around in that same capacity. This is exactly why you go NC and don't have these types of interactions.

 

As for karate, I am in a similar situation - I work with my current ex. Even though we're in different offices, we're often talking, I'm often hearing her name, hearing her voice, etc. For me it's infinitely harder to do NC when you actually can't do full NC, but fact is, you and I don't have much of a choice in the matter unless we're going to make a material change to our schedules/lives. I think we're just supposed to do the best we can under the circumstances - speak to them if necessary but only if *absolutely necessary*. No more texts. No more emails. No messaging. No making up reasons for calls. Nothing. I think that's the only way you're going to be able to move past this girl who clearly just isn't in the right place to be in a relationship with you right now. Maybe in the future, but at that stage, you'll be a different person and it'll be on your terms.

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Thanks for reply gottabelieve

 

I dont think the word immature is the right word, I think inexperienced would be better. Playing games could Also be replaced with unsure of what shes doing. She also has never done this before. I can only imagine how confused she is right now. I know I shouldn't be worrying about her, after all she did cause this and I do need to get over it.

 

thanks again gottabelieve and everyone.

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Hi there Copper

 

I am sorry about your situation mate - I know it is tough.

 

This is exactly why you need to keep away from her as much as you can because if you don't, you will likely be led a right old dance that will just confuse the hell out you.

 

I know you care about her mate, but you have to look out for you right now.

 

Keep your chin up bud.

 

Mark

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thanks for reply clabs, means a lot. Its very hard to not think about how shes doing and worry about her, I am closer to her then anyone else in my life, seeing her every day. Then one day, shes gone. Its a big shock to my life...huge change, but everyone thats replying is helping me, and i greatly appreciate it.

 

I forgot to mention that last night over text she told me that she wanted me to be the one to text her when i needed to, because she couldn't bring herself to, she said that she was doing okay but then when we were texting it made her a mess.

It seems to me that shes the one making things difficult...So I guess im just not going to text her at all. Ill see her one day at karate, just say a quick hi. and thats it I guess. This is how its gotta be.

 

thanks again everyone

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Copper, you seem like a very mature minded guy for your age, that's admirable. I also don't think she is immature, but inexperienced and very much confused, as you've said. A break up takes a toll on both parties, but much more so on the unsuspecting partner.

 

Your ex is unsure of what she wants. She's also afraid of going into the unknown. Much like you are now seeing as the path ahead of you is a dark dank alley way. Being the first love and all, for both of you everything is a complete mess with uncertainty looming, then lingering.

 

I don't believe she's playing the mind game. Her calling you and asking for directions to the secret 'love nest' is perhaps her way of asking you, and indeed herself if both of you are ready for this break up. See, girls have a funny way of asking us guys questions. They want an answer as well as reassurance.

 

What I'd suggest you do is see her one last time -- you haven't started NC and it looks as if you are still searching for the answer -- so ask her what she wants then reassure her that her answer is the right decision and that you respect it. Either way you will do away with the second guessing, which is better in the long haul, but nonetheless an emotional one, but you'll get over it. You putting her on the spot, negates her chances of playing the mind games, and spot them, if any.

 

If she wants to go ahead with the break up, then fine (well, not really, is it?) Respect her wishes, and cry your heart out all over again (not in front of her though) and keep to NC at all cost.

 

If she needs more time to think about things, then respect her decision and keep to NC.

 

She did the walking and if she's ready, she'll do the talking. So keep to NC. As for the karate, if you cannot control your emotions upon seeing her, then you'll have to either control your composure, by being indifferent, or go to another karate school.

 

Don't feel ashamed for looking at her photos, just don't make it an obsession to be doing so. Do the same with your digital photos, delete them or file them away.

 

Lastly, do not make yourself part of her graduation ceremony, that'll just give you more of an incentive and false hope of an excuse to be part of her life when you shouldn't be in order to heal yourself first.

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Thanks you for the reply kahdeksan.

 

I just finished talking to her, i invited her to my house. I asked her what she wants. She said she wants to be over this. She just doesn't feel the same way as she used to about me. I asked her about the texts and she said she is sorry, wasn't thinking.

 

This is what she wants. And I have to deal with it, I have told her we need to do NC...I also told her I will not be going to her grad. It would be too hard for me and likely for her. It seems like it hasn't hit her yet..that we are done. But it has hit me, and i know what has to be done. No contact, lots of friends and probably lots of time on this forum.

 

Seeing her hurt me, a lot. I tried not to cry and be strong but i couldn't help it and I did break down once... But now i know, theres no turning back, theres no 2nd guessing. Shes not coming back to me. This is happening. The closest person in my life is gone..at least for a while.

Any tips or tricks to make this a little bit easier? please do post.

 

Thank you everyone

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Hi again Copper. Mate - I am so sorry this has happened. I know you must be really hurting right now - hugs fella.

 

Well, at least you know where you are for now - you are not left in any doubt. As easy as it is for me to tap in here, you need to try to use this to your advantage - to walk forward.

 

It is gonna be tough, but you CAN get through it. You will have to give it some time though. Take things a day at a time right now and have a good cry if you need to.

 

Come back here for your supoort system, and try to get yourself really really busy. Going to the gym, going for a run, going for a bike ride is good for you. And lean on your friends and family and your friends and force yourself to go out, even if you don't feel like it to start with.

 

Take care of yourself, eh?

 

Mark

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Aww, Copper, I'm so sorry, mate... big, big hugs, man.

 

Well, I wished I had a really good trick up my sleeve, and as far as I know cryogenic freezing would do the trick. However, upon waking up your automated response would compel you to first ask of her where abouts. Therefore starting this whole cycle all over again, and coming to grips with the hurt, anew, but from an old wound.

 

You might be wondering how odd it is of me to be bringing up the above in that context. But that is pretty much how it would be if you took 'the easy route' by immediately latching onto another partner. Latching and not having to deal with the completion of the grieving process first. Processing your grieve and personal and emotional hurt first and utmost, is vital not only to your well being, but to your future relationships as well.

 

So do not resort to doing that to get her out of your mind, it doesn't work in the long term, and it is not likely to sustain your emotional well being or to propel a healthy relationship. Grieving a break up is about dealing with your emotional hurt and not about hiding your emotional hurt.

 

Yes, as many others have said so here, you need to keep your mind occupied, by keeping yourself busy. But do so by keeping much of the pain out of your head whilst not completely shutting or blocking those emotions out. One way or another, they will come flooding in, and it is better to leave a little gap in the flood gates then to have the gates tightly shut, resulting in a burst which would then completely overwhelm you. And as such, you'll turn to doing stuff you normally wouldn't do by coming off as being very needy.

 

So, all in all, process your emotional hurt by making controlled allowances to have the thoughts - of her and indeed of the relationship - coming in to your frail mind whilst understanding and accepting that it is all but over.

 

Grieve and cry, and try not to look for closure from her... closure comes from within and from acceptance, my friend. And as Clabs, says, come by here too if you feel that you've burdened your family and friends enough. We're all ears.

 

Lots of hugs, once again.

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thank you guys so much for your words of wisdom and support. Sorry i was at karate which is why i didnt reply

 

Being around friends helps me a lot, keeps my mind off this whole thing...but its good because im not blocking it, im just distracting..if that makes sense.

 

Clabs- Thanks for coming back and showing your support, it means a lot. Your right, I do think i have the right mindset, and i will try my hardest to move forward with this momentum. Even though it seems like i cant..i do know deep down that i can make it through this.

I think I will do some running...we will see how karate goes, but to be honest...i really don't think its going to work out, I was getting teary eyed without her there...cant imagine her being there, but with time it should get better, im going to try it though, we will see. Thanks again man.

 

Kahdeksan- Thanks a ton for the support...deep down i know theres no tricks haha...though I wish there was. Interesting examples you have, another perspective, but they do make sense to me and get the point accross. Thank you

I do know that a rebound is a bad idea, and to be honest, there is no way I could be with another girl and not feel guilty for quite some time. I really loved this girl, with all my heart. And i know another will come along one day, but not for quite some time my friend.

Like i said before friends help, I will take your advice and not hold in my emotions but rather distract them...

Thanks again.

Anyways im off to go skate with a couple buddies. gotta do something to keep my mind off this...

 

I will be posting updates if you guys don't mind, because this really helps having people to talk to, I don't have very many friends that have gone through something like this... and even if you haven't posted yet please post your opinions, all are welcome and all are appreciated. Im looking forward to getting over this one day and helping others like you all are helping me.

 

Thanks again everyone

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Hey copper, so sorry you had this response, I had a feeling it would go that way and hugs from me as well

 

I agree that you should hide (probably not delete) phone images etc for the moment and keep yourself as busy as you can as much as you can. Nights are usually the worst but then again if you do karate and go out with friends, hopefully you will fall into bed exhausted much of the time!

 

This will be a fairly long process of recovery as you know, but you're doing really well so far. Stay on the site if you like and see if you can comment/help others from your perspective - it's amazing how healing that can be for some as well. Take care and let us know how you are going.

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Pixiedoc- thanks for another reply, your right about nights, they are the worst. And no matter how tired I am, I feel like its impossible for me to stop thinking and fall asleep. I did hide all images of her, changed my facebook relationship status and all that jazz...I will not be deleting her pictures. Trying very hard not to look at them, it is very very hard. Thanks again for the reply, means a lot.

 

First night of not saying goodnight to her in almost a year...makes me feel very lonely. I can only stay with friends so long, and when i am alone, I feel so helpless and just cant stop thinking about all the great times we had together, and why this is happening. Its almost hard to believe, never really thought id see the day, but these days do come...goodnight to you all.

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Pixiedoc- thanks for another reply, your right about nights, they are the worst. And no matter how tired I am, I feel like its impossible for me to stop thinking and fall asleep. I did hide all images of her, changed my facebook relationship status and all that jazz...I will not be deleting her pictures. Trying very hard not to look at them, it is very very hard. Thanks again for the reply, means a lot.

 

First night of not saying goodnight to her in almost a year...makes me feel very lonely. I can only stay with friends so long, and when i am alone, I feel so helpless and just cant stop thinking about all the great times we had together, and why this is happening. Its almost hard to believe, never really thought id see the day, but these days do come...goodnight to you all.

 

 

Just take it day by day honey, try and put a DVD on - anything to make you think of something else. Go and buy some ones with tough plots or long series if you can and fall asleep while watching them.

 

I know it's tough but you're being strong and doing so well - keep it going. Another hug.

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thanks pixie ill try that. Every time i turn the tv off i end up having to turn it back on because i cant sleep..

 

Man, I know that feeling all too well, back when I was down. Night times and mornings were the hardest. Going to bed brokenhearted only to wake up even more shattered realizing the reality of never seeing them again.

 

The pains felt like ulcers... I can still remember it... ugh. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Copper. But keep yourself busy. I did a lot of writing and found that time just flies. And of course coming here helped, heh.

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