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Is it unreasonable for me to ask for this?


frustrated123

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My husband and I have been married about a year but out of that time we have been living together for 6 months. Before marriage, I was given the impression that his parents travelled a lot and didn't own a home because of it. He has 2 older brothers both married. While my husband and I were going out, his parents always seemed to be out travelling, whether it be his brothers or other relatives. This further made me believe that indeed his parents didn't really "live" with any of the sons, but rather visited each for a number of months.

 

After marriage, it seems that they live with my husband and essentially with me as well. My in laws are not bad people, and I don't mind having them over for a few months, but I do not wish to live with them. I want my husband and I to have our own lives, our own place and be able to live independently. Because I think this, by husband believes I want them thrown out of our home and onto the street. His parents are retired and I think it should be the responsiblity of all the sons to take care of their parents, not just my husband's.

 

The middle son's wife does not wish to have the parents over for a visit, let alone to stay with them for a few months. She merely uses them when she needs babysitting. The older son does not own a home at this time and can't have the parents over to stay. Right now they have been living with us since we got married. We were newly weds living in the same home as his parents. We can never get that time back in our lives.

 

Even though my husband owns the home, I don't feel like it is "our" home because his parents were already living with him when he bought the place. I came into his life later and because of this I feel I am moving into my in laws home. It doesn't feel like my home. I feel up tight when they are home. I don't feel like anything is mine or my right to touch or do anything. The only place that feels like mine is our room and I just want to stay in there until my husband is back from work.

 

My husband just doesn't understand my frustration about all this. He says he wants to have his parents live with us because this way he has to do less chores because they are split among 4 people instead of just 2. He feels sorry for this parents because his other brothers don't invite them over to stay.

 

What I don't understand is why his parents can't say that we'll be staying with each son x number of months. Why do they have to stay with us? And why doesn my husband says nothing to change this.

 

He says that I will grow closer to his parents if we stay with them. But I think the opposite. Because of this situation, I feel resentment towards them. I can't get over that feeling and I can't get close to them. I think me and his parents would be on better terms if I knew the situation wasn't so permanent.

 

Am I being completely unreasonable?

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I think you are being a newlywedded wife, that is what I think.

 

I can't fathom your frustration, but if what I am thinking of comes close, it must be awful. I personally don't think you are unreasonable. I think that you need to speak with your husband again. Let him know in a cool, calm and collected way that having his parents there all the time makes you feel like you arent living as an adult couple. Let him know that you want time to be with him and in your home as his wife, not as his wife and as a daughter in law.

 

Suggest to him that its time for his brother to have them for a few months. Remind him that this is really hard for you right now to have him here during this "honeymoon" period of your marriage. Let him know that its hard for you knowing that you really dont have your home to yourselves as a couple, and that as things stand now you really dont feel any ownership of the space you call home.

 

Let him know that you dont want to see his parents on the street, and that you do care for them. However, he does have a brother who could reasonably have them stay with him. Not for forever, but long enough to maybe have absence make the heart grow fonder?

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Gosh, I can put myself in your shoes and conclude that I would feel exactly the same way. I completely understand how you feel like a stranger in someone elses home and unable to relax and how and why this is upsetting you. What i can't understand is how you husband cannot see that your feelings are reasonable and real. They need to be addressed, not just ignored with a "it'll get better". And without accusing you of wanting to throw them on the streets either.

 

Do they have the money to set themselves up in their own home?

 

If not, do you guys have the money to set them up in a small flat or even build a granny flat onto your home?

 

I think it's really unfair of your H to not have explained the situation to you beforehand and to have lead you to believe it was only a few months instead of all the time. I'd feel really upset and betrayed by that.

 

If they are healthy and can look after themselves and can afford to live elsewhere then that's the solution. You shouldnt be made to feel like a stranger in your own home just so your H can do less chores. Thats so unfair.

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There is nothing wrong with the way your husband wants to live. There is also nothing wrong with the way you want to live. The problem is that they are two different things and you were led to believe it would be your way when in reality it was his way. I am here to tell you that you can stop being held hostage in his home any time you choose. He doesn't have you locked in there, does he?

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I do feel really betrayed that I was led to believe that it was only months at a time. However my husband does not think so, he thinks it was miscommunication. And maybe it was but it still does not make it right.

 

His parents are retired and cannot support themselves. Because of this I don't mind having them over for even a few months at a time but I don't think it should be permanent.

 

My husband doesn't see any of this as a problem. He does not even mention/suggest to his parents about visiting the other brothers. He says he doesn't want to force them to do anything. He complains that I am asking him to chose me over his parents, which is so not the case.

 

I have suggested to him about getting them a small place or asking all the brothers to pitch in and getting them their own place, but he refuses. I really don't get him and I don't know how much longer I can take it myself.

 

These living arrangements are starting to have a toll on our relationship and it doesn't seem like he cares what I think. He tells me to make suggestions how to make the situation better, but he doesn't like any of them. Whenever I bring up the problem, he complains that I am always bringing this us and I don't see the other 100 ways he makes me happy.

 

I think this is a huge problem that is not going to get better. We are nearing our 1st wedding anniversary in a few days and are not talking to each because of our recent argument related to this issue.

 

Does anyone have any other suggestions?

 

Thanks.

-frustrated123

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Someone mentioned earlier about an "in-law" studio/apartment for your home? I don't know how large your home is, or what you are able to do as far as additions, but it may be a solution.

 

Other than that, I have to agree with the others that your husband is being narrow minded about all this. I do have a question. What nationality is your husband?

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Someone mentioned earlier about an "in-law" studio/apartment for your home? I don't know how large your home is, or what you are able to do as far as additions, but it may be a solution.

 

Other than that, I have to agree with the others that your husband is being narrow minded about all this. I do have a question. What nationality is your husband?

 

Unfortunately a studio/apartment would not work in our home because our home is not that big to begin of with.

 

My husband and I are both Indian. And I know that traditionally, families did live together, however we are now living in 2009 and in this day and age everyone wants independence.

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That explains a lot to me, thank you.

 

As it seems your husband is rooted in the traditional values of his culture, I'm not sure there's anything I can suggest. I feel for you. It's a tough situation that doesn't have a clear cut answer.

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My husband and I are both Indian. And I know that traditionally, families did live together, however we are now living in 2009 and in this day and age everyone wants independence.

 

That's my ethnicity too. My H is not indian - but is asian and gosh there are a lot of commonalities in different asian countries/cultures!

 

Look this is not about what you could have done in the past but rather what you need to do in the future - but please forgive me I just have to say it WHY didn't you get the specifics on this before you got married? I sat mine down and said that if in years from now our parents cannot look after themselves I'd want mine to live with us and his to live with us (rather than in a home - unless that kind of constant care is necessary of course). But not just because one of them is lonely for example. Not just because they want to. Only if its no longer safe for them or physically possible to live alone. It's important for us to have time for ourselves, just our as our own family.

 

I think if you can't agree on that there's a real question as to whether you should get married.

 

I think you should sit him down and let him know that you don't feel like your concerns, frustrations and hopes and dreams for your future family life together are being heard or taken seriously and suggest some counselling so that he can hear it from a third person if he's not hearing it from you.

 

It sounds like it would be possible for all the family members to pitch in and buy them a little unit. That's the solution. Tell him that you are happy for them to stay with you for months at a time if they like provided they have their own home to go to for the majority of the year.

 

And tell him that you think the marriage is on the line - NOT because of his parents but because he's ignoring you and your concerns and what's a marriage if you're going to be ignored on big important issues like your home environment!?

 

I think the only other solution is to get some individual counselling and let the counseller know the situation and tell him /her that the goal of your counselling is to help you become more comfortable in this environment and reclaim it as your own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You just have to talk about the specifics of this stuff, hon.

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It used to be the norm for newlyweds to live with or take care of their parents, even in this country. I don't know what has happened to this family centeredness. I guess it has been replaced with self centeredness. Sad. I lived with my mom for years when she started getting older. I was her daughter, I never thought it was a chore or a bother. My brother and his wife raised a family while living with his mother-in-law. What's wrong with taking care of the elderly? I am not Indian, I am an American of German descent and was born in Los Angeles!

 

I think the problem is you feel insignificant and unimportant in your own home and that has more to do with your husband than his parents. Talk to him about that, as it may very well be the real problem.

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It used to be the norm for newlyweds to live with or take care of their parents, even in this country. I don't know what has happened to this family centeredness. I guess it has been replaced with self centeredness. Sad. I lived with my mom for years when she started getting older. I was her daughter, I never thought it was a chore or a bother. My brother and his wife raised a family while living with his mother-in-law. What's wrong with taking care of the elderly? I am not Indian, I am an American of German descent and was born in Los Angeles!

 

I think the problem is you feel insignificant and unimportant in your own home and that has more to do with your husband than his parents. Talk to him about that, as it may very well be the real problem.

 

A lot of the "elderly" don't actually want to be taken care of. My grandmother's sister and husband refuse to live with their kids because they value their independence.

 

But what I just said is off-point.

 

There's nothing wrong with "taking care of the elderly" but there's also nothing wrong with not wanting to live with your partner's parents when they are perfectly physically capable (just not financially able) to live by themselves. I don't think OP should feel guilty about those feelings.

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Thanks for the support indigo777.

 

My husband and I talked about it again and have finally come to a compromise. Right now is the best time to buy a home especially in the area we live. We were thinking that we would ask the other brothers to pitch in to help buy a small home for his parents. This way everyone has their privacy and independence. Hopefully this goes through with the other brothers. *fingers crossed*

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  • 1 month later...

Unfortunately, it still hasn't gone through. They are still living with us. My husband and I had another major fight because he changed his mind about getting his parents another home. He says that it doesn't make sense to buy another house. What if we need to sell our house and move? Its already so hard to sell a home in this market. He says we can give it to his parents. He says that there is no way out from his parents living with us unless either of us finds a job in another city, state, country.

 

He's blaming me for making him choose me over his parents. I really don't think that's fair. We're married now...we're our own family unit now. I can't take the stress anymore so I'm going out of town for a while until his parents leave for their trip.

 

I don't understand why he can't mention the tension we have between us because of them to his parents. Maybe they just don't realize the wedge they are creating between us.

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