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Negative feeling/extreme anxiety over possible new relationships! How to reduce it?


brazilgirl21
Do You Need Reassurance? Stop It Li...
Do You Need Reassurance? Stop It Like This

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[this place has become my little diary after my break-up and really saved me some months ago, I feel like posting on times of anxiety. This might be just nonsense but maybe some of you can help]

 

Ok, so it’s been almost 5 months since my ex of almost 3 years and I broke things up for good. Been in NC for the majority of these 5 months with 1 text, 1 e-mail and a call from him on my birthday. Been over 2 months of FULL NC.

 

I’ve come a loooong way and I’m definitely feeling much better, although I still have down moments. Last week was tough since it was valetine’s day in my country.

 

However, I’ve been having a hard time when meeting new people that interests me. I REALLY put my ex on a pedestal so for a few months I believed NOBODY was as good as him. Since I was originally the dumper (turned dumpee), I just felt guilty and horrible about letting the “perfect” man go.

 

As time went by, specially these 2 past months, I have started meeting a lot of interesting people. Really amazing guys. I’ve been going out a lot, having fun with friends, and just meeting and being around great people.

 

I’m extremely picky and do NOT settle for rebound guys… I only had 1 relationship in my life and am definitely not desperate to date someone that does not share my values, ideals and basically is not my type.

 

I always had an extremely hard time to fall in love and meet the right person because I have such high standards. However, I don’t know if life is doing it on purpose, but it’s putting really good guys in my path. It’s like it’s showing me: look, there ARE other people out there you did NOT sabotaged your only chance at love and your ex is NOT the only man on earth.

 

The thing is, I’m falling too hard. It’s almost not me. Basically there’s been 1 guy I’ve really liked in the past 5 months, but he was just really into his banking career and was more interested in spending time at the office than with me, which I admire but ultimately it really didn’t work out and I realized he is, indeed, a smart, committed man but is also immature with woman, etc...

 

That’s when I kind of have setbacks and miss my ex again, nothing too terrible, nothing that makes me want to break NC, but it definetly hits a little hard still.

 

Anyways, this week it was hurting pretty bad since it was Valentine’s day. Instead of sulking, I decided to go to the beach with a couple of friends. My friend told me it would be her, her boyfriend, two of his friends, her brother and 2 of his friends. It was a very conflicting decision because that couple was the couple I double dated ALL the time with my ex, and the guy is one of my ex’s best friends and that beach house is where we really spent a lot of weekends together. But what the hell, something just told me it would be fun and better than staying in the city and witnessing all the happy couples on the streets/malls/restaurants.

 

I got there on Valentine’s day and it was basically one couple and a bunch of single people enjoying the beach on the winter. So yeah, something I never imagined happened. My friend’s cousin was really interesting and we hit it off and we ended up kissing and spending the 3 days together as a “couple”. As a couple in the most innocent way ever. He’s 26, I’m 22 but nothing happened, we just kissed, cuddled, watched movies together, I slept with the girls, he slept with the guys. Everyone spent the days together, it was just fun and an amazing weekend. It was like, having a boyfriend for 3 days, since we were 24/7 together.

 

I hate comparing but it’s like this guy is even better than my ex. Older, more mature, more intelligent, very sweet, great family, better looking… And I mean, it was only 3 days but after these 5 months I haven’t been this close with anybody else.

 

The thing is, I’m SO scared and I’m already 100% sure things are not going to work out. I’m just SO negative about everything. I know this negativity/anxiety will probably ruin things but I don’t know, I’ve just become so neurotic after the break-up I don’t know how to deal with emotions, feelings, dating…

 

Anyone experience something similar after a painful break-up? It’s like we’ve suffered so much heartache that it’s impossible to imagine that we’ll be happy again. It just feels like this is just going to serve to make me believe things can work out for me and then just crash all my hope and throw me back to my karma of “haha, you dumped your ex, you are never going to be happy again. You are going to miss him and your relationship with him forever”.

 

I know the best advice is to just “stop worrying, stop thinking” but I just can’t. I’m just so anxious and so negative that it probably affects the way things end up playing out for me with new people.

 

Any advices on how to reduce this stress/anxiety and specially this “impending doom” feeling? I just can't shake the "wow, he's cute, he's amazing, I'm so excited to see him again/ stop thinking about him it's not going to work, he's never going to call you again, let it go". What the hell, can I just find a middle ground and go with the flow??

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brazilgirl, i will be very honest with you and how you take the advice is up to you, but please do not think it's personal.

 

I think you are a very sweet and very intelligent girl who has a lot of fear. I don't think that fear has anything to do with your ex or your previous relationship. I think that fear comes from somehwere else.

 

I think you need a good 12 months away from any relationships. Use this time to travel, study, meet new friends and develop a better sense of who you are away from the pressures of a relationship. You are simply not ready to date. You say in one paragraph that you feel like you are ready to date, yet in the next paragraph you beging to describe the new guy in comparison to your ex. You should never do that with any partner. Simply accept the partner for who they are. When we make comparisons like that, we are responding to our own negative ego and it isn't healthy.

 

What is the worst that can happen if you choose to stay out of a relationship for a 12 months? Your answer will tell you more about your fears than anything else

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I completely understand. I wouldn't mind staying away from a relationship. I'm not actively looking for a relationship, but it's like, life is putting people in my way, you know? I can't really help these feelings. I'm not on an internet dating site or going out to find a partner. It's happening.

 

Plus, I think I'm 22, I'm attractive, it's very hard to be like "ok, won't date for 12 months". How can you do that? When you are young and full of life and with hormones and everything else, how can you just say no to a guy that interests you?

 

I am travelling, I am meeting new friends, I am definetly not in a relationship. However, I'm also a romantic... I mean, it's been 5 months and I've been with 2 guys. Not seriously at all. Not even went on more than 1 date. I'm not pushing anything, you know?

 

However, how can you just say, ok 12 months, no kissing, no flirting, no getting involves. Is that really possible? It would probably be great for me, but at the same time, I wouldn't give my weekend back for anything really. It was so much fun, really the moments that are worth going on for after dark moments.

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About comparing other people to my ex. I will ALWAYS compare.

 

He is my standard for what I want and will always be. Him and my dad. Really. I like specific guys. Good guys, who care about their families, are intelligent, ambitious, preppy. Respect woman. I have a very specific taste.

 

I'm not going to compare the relationship when I have one, but the person, my ex set the standards for all the others and I don't think that will ever change. I'm pretty rational so the guys that are going to interest me, be it for a day, or the ones I can imagine myself having a future with.

 

So it's like at the same time I'm not looking for a relationship, when I like a guy, it's because I think they are really amazing and it's just hard not to get involved. Complext to explain.

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well that's where you need some discipline. Sure you can go out and flirt and date and enjoy the company of men as friends, but leave it at that. Just go out with your friends and enjoy yourself. Most people flirt and need the validation of interest from the opposite sex for their hit of self worth. I didn't say not to kiss etc, but i just don't think you are anywhere near ready for another relationship. You will simply be taking unresolved fears from one place to another. It's no good for you or the next guy.

 

Just use the time to work on developing a better sense of who you are. The time in between relationships is the time we learn most about ourselves and particularly about our fears. Use that information to develop better self awareness.

 

that's my advice and that's all it is, my advice based on what i've read from you in the past few months on here.

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Thank you! I apreciate it! I really do.

 

Although I'm stubborn, I do listen to you guys. Heck, you guys are the reason I have been in NC for months with my ex.

 

I think it's interesting when you talk about swifting feelings. However, this weekend it felt like I made the right decision all along. Of breaking up, experiencing other relationships. My best friend saw me and was like, "see, what hurt you was the fact that your ex is with somebody else and you are not. Im sure that if this works out for you, you are so not going to think about G at all, and if you had been with him, you'd be bored after two months again".

 

I'm not 100% convinced of what caused my heartache, the "losing someone great who loved you" or really losing someone you loved. I did NOT feel in love at all last year, that's for sure. It's just so confusing.

 

It's like, sometimes, I actually believe that.

 

I am definetly finding myself and who I am. I've been single for a long time really. Since Feb. 2008. Got back together with the ex from Oct-Jan, and been single for 5 months. It's been basically 12 months.

 

BTW- What is really finding yourself for you?

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use your judgdment, but when anxiety and negative feelings surface when meeting someone new, that is not a positive sign that you are ready. I have lived it and that is a bad sign.......make no mistake. It suggests that your heart is not open or ready to love and be loved. You need to analyse what that anxiety feels like and where the fear comes from.........is it fear that you will be abandoned?

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atelis - no. I don't fear being abandoned. My father is amazing. He is there for me 110%. Have always been. My mom had depression but my dad is like, everything and I'm everything for him so it's definetly not some abandonment issues. My ex boyfriend was 110% there for me too. I know he would never leave me.

 

I think it's a fear of things not working out like my mind knows they can. I'm such a dreamer, romantic that I make up these scenarios on my mind and it just hurts when reality doesn't happen like you dream. I just wish I could dream less and live the present more, you know?

 

It's like, if I had enjoyed the present of my past relationship I might have been fullfilled. But no, I was busy "dreaming" about someone that would make me feel MORE than what I had with my ex. Which I don't really blame myself since it was my first relationship.

 

However, this served me and I should have learned to live the present and stop being soooo anxious!!!

 

So basically I'm already imagining great things with this guy and it just "hurts" to understand that it probably won't happen. I guess it's hard to expain without me sounding nuts. Then all I have is the "past", that's gone, and the "future", that's uncertain. I can never enjoy the present. I'm either nostalgic about the past or impatient about the future.

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it's what i do as well and it has more to do with a fear of commitment than anything else. when we analyse the past and the future so much, we fall into patterns of self sabotage.

 

Perfectionism is also a trait that leads to fear of commitment and it sounds like you have a case of perfectionism. I sensed that when you said that you were very fussy, compared everyone to your ex and almost have this checklist aginst which you evaluate men. What this does is give you excuses to avoid commitment or relationships It makes you create so many doubts in your mind about a partner that you end the relationship or avoid it or can't decide which guy to date. You just keep analysing in your mind without actually living the moment. It is probably one of the reasons that led you to break from your ex, although i note it was your first relationship.

 

when we constantly fanatasise about an outcome in our mind or the way something should be, it stops us from living in the moment as you already know. If the outcome in our mind is not perfect, we won't go on the journey..........so you keep from making a commitment on the basis that you can't see a perfect outcome in the future. This also leads to procrastination.

 

Perfectionism can come from smothering as a child, parents making too many decisions for their children, parents always doting on children and never lettting them make mistakes etc

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Definetly a type A person. Perfeccionist.

 

It's ridiculous. It's so much harder to be happy when you have high standards. I have friends who have easier lives because they just accept what is given to them more. I wish I was more laid back.

 

I guess now it comes down to having learned the lesson with my ex and I just desperately want a chance to enjoy a relationship and value every little moment and not take the person for granted, you know? In a way I am desperately searching for someone so I can "make it up" for myself and NOT make the mistakes I made in my previous relationship. Seriously, I want to be able to be an amazing girlfriend and value every little moment... I guess it comes down to the ultimate guilt of taking my ex for granted.

 

I get anxious that I will never get the opportunity to appreciate a relationship. I feel like I need to be punished even though I know I just really need to forgive myself.

 

 

And I guess it's hard for me to be completely happy alone because love is the meaning of life for me. For some people it's faith, religion,

work, money, partying, culture. For me it's love.

 

Can this be a case of having watched too many disney movies as a child? haha

- "Disney gave me unrealistic expectations about love" - best facebook group ever!

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